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Is It You, Me, or Adult ADD? Stopping the Roller Coaster When Someone You Love Has Attention Deficit Disorder
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Is It You, Me, or Adult ADD? Stopping the Roller Coaster When Someone You Love Has Attention Deficit Disorder

4.07  ·  Rating details ·  589 ratings  ·  61 reviews
Everyone involved with AD/HD will find the information in this book invaluable, especially people with AD/HD and couples therapists, who often mistake AD/HD for "communication problems" or "personality differences." Meticulously researched and presented with empathy and humor, _Is It You, Me, or Adult A.D.D.?_ offers the latest information from top experts, who explain the ...more
Paperback, 369 pages
Published August 1st 2008 by 1201 Alarm Press
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Average rating 4.07  · 
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 ·  589 ratings  ·  61 reviews

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Darren Standar
Jun 28, 2010 rated it it was amazing
I'm the one with ADHD, not my boyfriend. And I wouldn't have a boyfriend without this book.

If you have ADHD, this is THE BEST book to read first. Lots of books talk about medication or therapy, but they never warn you that lots of therapists are screwed up in their understanding of ADHD and how to find therapists that DO get ADHD. Same with medication. This book lays it out: if you're gonna take meds, here's how to approach it the right way, so you don't get bummed out by the side effects. If yo
Aug 04, 2011 rated it it was amazing
Oh my heavens. If you're married to someone with ADHD, BUY THIS BOOK!!!!! It is so validating! It's changing my life! I finally have hope again, and I'm not even finished reading. This book is so right on - with both sides: the person WITH, and the person WITHOUT, ADHD.

Finally, a light at the end of the tunnel. If there's someone close to you (particularly an adult) with ADHD, this book will EMPOWER you more than you can comprehend.
Mar 16, 2012 rated it really liked it
Shelves: non-fiction, brains
NOTE: this is a slightly abridged version from my own site, which focuses on creative and/or gifted adults with ADHD. You can read the full story and other reviews at

If you don't read the whole review, know this: Stopping the Roller Coaster is an absolute must for anyone in a long-term relationship where one or more partners have ADHD.

When I was in art school, a professor I respected deeply warned us that as artists, having a marriage fall apart was going to be more likely for
Jan 22, 2009 rated it it was amazing
Very well researched; not given to hype or incomplete analysis of this difficult topic. When I have some money, I plan to buy copies of it for my counselor and others, as it is very helpful. I know Gina through an online support group for spouses of ADD folks, and she is very thorough in her work, and has gathered solid experts to contribute as well. If you are married to someone with ADD...go get this book. Immediately.
Aug 29, 2012 rated it it was amazing
Great one. A real eye opener for me. Thought I knew about ADD but I was totally ignorant to it. This book needs to be read by all couples.
Lady Jane
Feb 12, 2010 rated it it was amazing
Written for partners of p/w (people with) AD/HD, by an award-winning journalist whose husband has AD/HD, Is it You, Me, or Adult A.D.D.? describes AD/HD symptoms; thoroughly explains AD/HD based on current brain research; communicates with anecdotes how AD/HD symptoms practically manifest in real life and their devastating and frequently annihilating impact on relationships; and provides success strategies for partners of p/w AD/HD for self-care, supporting their AD/HD partners in obtaining trea ...more
Michaela Johnson
Jul 14, 2010 rated it it was amazing
This is a critical must read for people who are in a relationship with someone with adult ADD. Takes a technical approach to answering some of the most difficult questions, citing various journals and research case studies. The book includes references to other popular books on the subject and addresses common ADD partner issues such as "denial" and "losing identity during medical treatment."

Other approaches for the non-ADD partner to conflict resolution are included, like "hot spot" approaches
Juliana Haught
Aug 26, 2011 rated it it was amazing
Shelves: non-fiction
A must-read for anyone who thinks their spouse, parent, or other adult relative might have ADD or ADHD.
Oct 26, 2008 rated it it was amazing
This is a complete book for someone who has ADD or someone who lives with someone who has ADD. Helps to unravel the myths and facts about ADD and how to cope. Encouragement and support for those diagnosed with ADD and those whose partners have ADD.
Dec 22, 2011 rated it it was amazing
Shelves: self-help
Though it reads like a textbook at times, this book is invaluable for partners of those who have ADHD. I would give it six stars if I could, based on how helpful it has been in shedding light on how ADHD works, affects on relationships, medication/therapy and other ways to manage together.
Jul 18, 2012 rated it really liked it
I purchased about 5 books on adult ADHD and this one has been the most successful in keeping my attention haha it's very informative and has great ideas.
Dec 09, 2012 rated it liked it
I decided to read this book because I recently started dating someone with A.D.D. and wanted to learn if his behaviors (not paying attention, lateness, not hearing from him for weeks at a time) are part of his disorder or if he's "just not that into" me. This book provided a lot of information and, quite honestly, scared the crap out of me.

Some of the stories were quite horrific, such as fights, outbursts, financial ruin, and needing to act like your partner's parent. Aren't there any good stori
Jul 16, 2012 rated it it was amazing
Shelves: non-fiction
This book is eye-opening , containing stunning information gathered over the past decades on the devastating effect that A.D.D. disorder can have on relationships. It explodes the myths and misunderstandings of A.D.D. and brings to light new information that can literally change lives !
Highly recommend it !!
Jan 24, 2010 rated it it was amazing
Shelves: nonfiction
This is the first book I've found that deals with the problems of living with a partner who has and possibly refuses to admit s/he has ADHD. A must-read if you or someone you love is living with this condition.
Sep 27, 2011 rated it it was amazing
Shelves: kindle-books
This book helped me understand a lot about what my husband has been going thru. It made me feel better about how I was feeling about his ADD and how I wasn't dealing with it very well at the time. I highly recommend this book.
Oct 22, 2012 rated it it was amazing
It was an eye-opener to the world of Adult ADD. I think this is an excellent resource for anyone with Adult ADD or anyone in a relationship with someone who has Adult ADD.
Aug 30, 2012 rated it it was amazing
A great read for those with ADHD or for family and partners. This book is filled with lots of great information and research to back it up.
Jan 03, 2011 rated it really liked it
Great. Full of practical advice that eliminates the drama. Great strategies for any couple or any relationship, but especially for ADHD.
Sep 16, 2012 rated it really liked it
Deep breath...pretty enlightening. Might even say life changing.
Kyle Wendy Skultety (

Review originally posted at my blog

After I read The ADHD Effect on Marriage, I searched for similar books. This one kept popping up and seemed to be highly regarded, so I gave it the highest compliment I could: I purchased a copy.

This book is put together very well, and operates under the premise that ADD is not “so much of a disorder of attention as it is a disorder of self-regulation”, according to psychologist Russell Barkley, who wrote the foreword. The theme of the bo
Michele Cacano
This book has the distinction of being informative and entertaining at the same time. I actually gave it to my husband to read first, since he is the one living with an adult with ADD, which this books focuses on. He dog-eared every other page, and ran a yellow highlighter through every third paragraph... "What'd you thiink?" I asked him. "I could've written that book!" was his answer.

As I read it, I found myself laughing aloud at the humorous anecdotes (Most of which I could comPLETEly relate
Jun 08, 2014 rated it really liked it
If you are trying to find a diagnoses, this maybe a good reference....alot of testimonies from spouses/friends/relatives
on partner's issues....but if you already know ADD is the issue, then, I would skip to the second half of the book. There
one will find strategies for dealing with ADD in you life...maintaining sanity for the non-ADD partner, keeping healthly etc.
But, the book stresses the use of medication. What if the ADD person does not want to be on medication?
Ashley Butterfield
This book is a fantastic resource for couples and families where ADD is present, as well as for the professionals who provide treatment for this condition. Truth be told, I was a bit skeptical about the quality of the book, as the author does not have credentials related to the mental health field. However, I think Pera really researched this topic very well and laid out the information in a consumer friendly format. I definitely learned a lot from this book and I highly recommend it!
Aug 20, 2013 rated it it was amazing
This is an incredible book. I would highly suggest it for anyone who lives/works with, or knows someone who has ADHD. It has been an enlightening read for me and taught me valuable lessons about communicating with others, and how perceptions of situations can differ based on individual brain function.
Doranne Long
Jul 19, 2013 rated it it was amazing
Of all the ADD books I have read, including books by Dr. Amen and Dr. Hallowell, this book has been the most helpful. It added insight to not only the characteristics of ADD, but how best to live with them. This book have been most helpful personally, and professionally.
Dec 08, 2012 rated it really liked it
This is a useful book for adults who find themselves diagnosed with AD/HD as adults (rather than as children). For many of us, interacting with others can be a struggle and the ways in which people react to us may be baffling. This book helps explain all of that.
Tamara Dever
May 04, 2013 rated it it was amazing
A phenomenal book for anyone living with ADHD in their home or family. Written by a true expert in the field who cares deeply for the well-being of people.
Jerry Robinette
Mar 27, 2012 is currently reading it  ·  review of another edition
A great deal of specific information, easily the most comprehensive and accurate book on the topic I've seen so far. Dry in spots but a lot of invaluable information.
Oct 19, 2013 rated it it was amazing
After reading so many of these types of books over the months, this is the clearest, most comprehensive and fortunately, very very comforting. One to buy...
Kayla Perry
May 15, 2012 rated it did not like it
Shelves: abandoned
For the moment I have to stop reading this book since it's actually making me very depressed.

Based on the reaction some people have to negative reviews of this book on other parts of the internet I'm cautious to be honest about my feelings, but I have to say that I found this book very hard to get through because it is very damning of the ADHD person. Now, don't get me wrong, I understand why and the author says herself that the person with ADHD won't necessarily have all these traits nor do I r
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Gina Pera is an Adult ADHD expert based in the San Francisco Bay area.

She is the contributor of the first chapter on therapy for ADHD-challenged couples appearing in Dr. Russell Barkley's "gold standard" clinical guide, Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder: A Handbook for Diagnosis and Treatment.

Gina is the co-author, with psychologist Arthur Robin, of the first evidence-based guide to couple
“it requires deep love to coax effective treatment from our mental healthcare system for a partner who is convinced that nothing can improve or, worse, that nothing is wrong, when it obviously is.” 1 likes
“ADHD is really not so much a disorder of attention as it is a disorder of self-regulation,” 1 likes
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