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How to Have Impossible Conversations: A Very Practical Guide

Peter Boghossian (Goodreads Author),

James A. Lindsay (Goodreads Author)

3.94 · Rating details · 1,236 ratings · 178 reviews

"This is a self-help book on how to argue effectively, conciliate, and gently persuade. The authors admit to getting it wrong in their own past conversations. One by one, I recognize the same mistakes in me. The world would be a better place if everyone read this book." -- Richard Dawkins, author of Science in the Soul and Outgrowing God

In our current political climate, it ...more

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Paperback, 272 pages

Published September 17th 2019 by Da Capo Lifelong Books

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Sep 28, 2019 Mehrsa rated it liked it

There are some really helpful hints in here but most of them are pretty obvious to anyone that has empathy or a little bit of emotional EQ. Don’t shoot people down, don’t assume your opponents are evil, don’t be an asshole. But I had some issues with this one: first of all, the book is pretty biased. The authors try not to be, but most of their examples are about how to convince liberals that they are wrong and how to convince religious folks that they are irrational. Which would not be a proble ...more

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May 30, 2020 Darwin8u rated it it was ok

Shelves: 2020, nonfiction, writing

"Conversations that remain civil empower you, and change even the staunchest of minds are possible--even across deep divides."
- Peter Boghossian and James Lindsay

description

My first take on this book was it was "a pretty good practical guide. Not perfect." But the more I read, the more the message of civility grinds into the walls of debate technique and manipulation. I don't think this book was written with good faith. It isn't about patching the divide between the right and the left, the godless and Jes ...more

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Nov 30, 2020 Sleepless Dreamer rated it really liked it

I'm looking at the reviews here and wondering if I read the same book as everyone else. Yes, Boghossian and Lindsay use anti-liberal and anti-religious examples throughout the book but as someone who is both liberal and religious, I didn't feel like the usage of examples was the most important thing here.

Instead, the authors dig into ways to have impossible conversations. By impossible conversations, they mean discussions about highly contested topics. We're living in such an age of political p ...more

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Jun 01, 2020 David Buccola rated it did not like it

If you're looking for a book written by Mansplainers, this is for you! Peter Boghossian and James Lindsay have apparently spent a life-time trying to mansplain better and they've learned a few things they want to share with the class. I honestly went into this book thinking I might learn a few things but again and again I was just struck by how shallow and ignorant the authors were. If you've never thought about anything for more than few seconds you might find some insight here, but for a norma If you're looking for a book written by Mansplainers, this is for you! Peter Boghossian and James Lindsay have apparently spent a life-time trying to mansplain better and they've learned a few things they want to share with the class. I honestly went into this book thinking I might learn a few things but again and again I was just struck by how shallow and ignorant the authors were. If you've never thought about anything for more than few seconds you might find some insight here, but for a normal well-adjusted human who has basic empathy there isn't much to learn here. I'll briefly highlight some of the rather myopic ideas espoused here.

Let's just start with the fact that our Mansplainers are really only addressing a very small part of the population. They make it clear that they are not addressing what they call "extremists." Extremists are people who don't buy into the false dichotomy that the population is divided between "liberals" and "conservatives." This book is primarily aimed at people who believe the two factions of the Business Party (Democrats and Republicans) are somehow diametrically opposed. It's a minority of the American population at best.

For instance, the authors equate people who oppose fascism (anti-fascists) with actual Neo-Nazis. It's hard to imagine a more ridiculous point of view. Fighting fascism is not an extreme position. It's one that most of the civilized world understands and supports. We literally fought a global war against fascism. Yet the authors see opposition to fascism as extreme.

Here's another great quote from our Mansplainers, "Did protestors for a cause you support turn violent and vandalize property? Did they create massive societal disruptions that inconvenienced innocent people?" As an aside, I just love the ridiculous phrasing "turn violent." It just sounds so ridiculous. Here the author conflates actual violence, like a group of police officers kneeling on a mans neck until he's dead, with acts of defiance, like destroying property that can easily be replaced.

In other words, our authors confuse radicals--those who seek the root cause of societal ills--with actual extremists, like neo-nazis. If you take a stand against Nazis our police brutality you're an extremist in the eyes of our authors.

In another part of the book the author's show their true inclinations when they write, "You may have heard that American society is a patriarchy from the extreme end of the feminist spectrum. You might find this statement bizarre." They go on to split hairs and present us with other societies that are even more patriarchal! Somehow they never actually mention what patriarchy means: A social system where men hold primary power. This seemingly bizarre statement aligns quite well with our reality, which brings me to one of the strangest views espoused by the authors.

Our mansplainers are very emphatic that we should not bring facts into our discussions! No facts! How else can you maintain the delusion that the statement "American society is a patriarchy" is bizarre if you allow facts like the tiny percentage of women who hold position of power within our corporate and political institutions? Once we bring up the facts that a paltry 37 of the Fortune 500 corporations are women the statement seems much less bizarre.

I could go on but this book really doesn't merit it. It's awful. It's clearly written by two men who have probably spent a life-time trying to mansplain their repugnant views to people and had an epiphany that being less of an asshole might be a good thing. In order to carry this new view forward they had to relegate the majority of the population as extremists and focus on people who essentially agree with them on every major point: support for state terrorism, support for mass-incarceration, patriarchy and the white supremacy that sits at the core of all this violence. Any one who opposes this state violence is simply an extremist that should be ignored. I'll continue to stand with the extremists. ...more

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Nov 17, 2019 Alex Railean rated it it was amazing

Shelves: audio, social-dynamics, ethics, behaviour, religion, social-engineering, self-improvement, relationships, philosophy

This was a very practical and very helpful book. As in the case of "A manual for creating atheists", I noticed some negative patterns in my ways of building an argument. Now I am a better person and I strongly recommend this book to anyone who often engages in discussions about controversial subjects.

If you want to get the most out of this book, take notes as you go through it. Mine are here: http://railean.net/index.php/how-to-h... ...more

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May 25, 2020 Hoolia rated it it was ok

Shelves: reference, audiobooks

Oof.

Part of this is my fault for picking books up from the library by only their titles and not even bothering to read the description. Part of it is my fault for not keeping up with Internet drama and not realizing that some Twitter people have a problem with contemporary feminism because [insert Apache helicopter joke x infinity]. About 10% of the way into this book, after the third or so not-so-subtle example using a token feminist/evangelical Christian/conservative Muslim/pick-your-bro-poli Oof.

Part of this is my fault for picking books up from the library by only their titles and not even bothering to read the description. Part of it is my fault for not keeping up with Internet drama and not realizing that some Twitter people have a problem with contemporary feminism because [insert Apache helicopter joke x infinity]. About 10% of the way into this book, after the third or so not-so-subtle example using a token feminist/evangelical Christian/conservative Muslim/pick-your-bro-politics-strawman, I sighed, put the book down, and did exactly the thing that this book was marketed to do: I Googled the authors. And then I said "Okay, yeah. This all makes sense now."

The bulk of this is some common-sense debating and negotiating advice, which packaged up all together is decent, I guess. However, I came into this thinking that this would actually be a guide to "hey here's how to approach difficult conversations with people you care about," and this is actually more along the lines of "how to persuade people who are on opposite sides of the ideological aisle that YOUR position is correct." There is some vague talk about how to think about your own beliefs, and what to do when you think your beliefs might not actually be correct/supportable, but the authors wrote this book from the position of I Am Right And You Are Wrong, And Whether Through Pop Psychology Or Pure Attrition, I Will Make You Realize It. Yeesh. Combine this approach with their Twitter presence, and the fact that the hypothetical conversation partner is always female is suddenly not so innocent. There's no real desire here to truly engage and learn about people, or about how their cultural contexts might differ so radically from yours that perhaps one conversation might not be enough to hand you the rhetorical victory you crave.

Also, I gotta say, the specific examples the authors use are actually unintentionally hilarious. In one example, he claims to have "altercasted" his son's teacher so she would agree to teach "the other side of gentrification"--um, sir, that interaction clearly indicated that she thought you were an idiot and wanted to get rid of you like the other 5000 busybody parents she has to deal with. In another example, the author gets wound around the axle about his female colleague joking that she wouldn't believe a white man even if he told her 2+2=4, and proceeds to lecture her about the logical conclusions of her argument, until she clearly just says something to make him go away. Who would ever have guessed that two men in academia might be so radically lacking self-awareness? Oh wait that's right, literally every woman in academia.

There's a short afterword here where one of the authors, Peter Boghossian, explains that he wrote this book from a place of regret; apparently, he lost many friendships because he wasn't communicating well with the people around him. Looking at his online presence, you can color me unsurprised. But looking back at this book, you can also color me unbelieving--this is not a book written by someone who's truly concerned about how he's hurt people in the past. In one of the examples, he claims to be close friends with a conservative Christian, while regularly insulting some of his core beliefs and comparing his religion to a cult. There is no regret about this behavior; he actually holds it up as an example of how open-minded and mature he is. By the time I read to the end of this book, and to that purportedly contrite afterword, the truth was saddening: this is not a man who actually has friends. He might have people around him who tolerate his presence for one reason or another, but despite his claims on the importance of deep, meaningful friendships, this is not someone who actually walks the walk. If it wasn't such a bad-faith book, I might actually feel sorry for him. ...more

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Apr 11, 2020 Matthew Colvin rated it liked it

Contains some helpful tips, but is mostly just common sense. The authors really do not understand religious people, and they direct a fair amount of obtuse condescension at them. The epistemology is surprisingly naive, considering one of the authors has a PhD in philosophy.

It’s also amusing to follow James Lindsay on Twitter and see that he takes almost none of his own and Boghossian’s advice from the book. He is snarky, engages in put downs and dismissive remarks, and generally is an amusing je ...more

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Aug 15, 2020 Marcus rated it really liked it

Unlike other difficult conversations books that cover things like how to give bad news or ask for a promotion, this one is specifically about how to have political, moral, or religious conversations. Despite what some of other reviewers assert, and despite the author’s opinions elsewhere, it does not take any specific viewpoint on what the outcomes of the conversations should be. It’s a pragmatic, slightly repetitive, guide on how to talk to people that you don’t agree with.

Here’s a dump of my ...more

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Dec 30, 2020 Moh. Nasiri rated it really liked it

Shelves: criticism, communication-media, psychology-self-help, blinkist, audiobook

Piratical tips for a well established conversation and argumentation.
Read Summary here:
http://railean.net/index.php/how-to-h...

...more

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Oct 14, 2019 Lord_Humungus rated it really liked it

Recommends it for: anyone with the slightest interest in controversial topics

Shelves: self-improvement, e-copy, diplomacy

A superb book about how to have socratic dialogues with other people.

Good points:
-There is no fluff. The book is brief and readable; and at the same time one of those books you'll keep rereading. Such is the quality of the advice.
-It is quite well ordered, from easy techniques to difficult ones.
-Probably the authors know what they are writing about: they have a lot of experience.

Bad points?:

-The book is about conversing with a willing partner face to face. It doesn't deal with written conversati ...more

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Sep 20, 2019 Harald Groven rated it really liked it · review of another edition

Shelves: debunking, e-books, philosophy, politics, psychology, education, religion

A useful and much needed manual on how to discuss with someone who disagrees with you. Most advice are fairly socratic and common sensical. Most of the recommendations discuss all the things you shouldn't say, because they will heat up the discussion and is counterproductive. Eg.
— "Think of shaming someone as being like a live hand grenade (...) “There is no such thing as a diplomatic hand grenade.” Hand grenades damage or blow up bridges; they don’t build them."

One of Boghossian and Lindsay's ...more

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Feb 11, 2020 Sebastian Gebski rated it it was amazing

In my case, it was a follow-up after "The Righteous Mind" (mainly) & "Predictably Irrational" (minorly).

In contrast to the explicit title, it's not 100% focused on the hardest of conversations - it starts with more "basic" cases, but to be precise: it's NOT about merit-based/fact-based conversations, but situations where beliefs or feelings overcome everything else. The book is surprisingly ... practical & dense - the initial set of chapters was very informative & packed with useful techniques. ...more

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Jan 08, 2021 Jason Rodriguez rated it really liked it

3.5ish stars.

I do not consider myself as a particularly strong conversationalist. As the culture around us seems to become more and more divisive, I figured I could gain some helpful information and tips for engaging friends and family members who do not share my worldview. Overall, I am glad I picked this book up (i.e. listened to the audiobook). I think almost anyone could gain something out of this book.

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Sep 17, 2020 Farah Chamma rated it liked it

“You’ll need to overcome the urge to say everything that’s on your mind.” p.10

“Parallel talk is taking something someone says and using that to reference yourself or your experiences.” p.18

“Someone might say, for instance, “I hate the government,” when they mean they hate intrusive government, corruption, bureaucracy, concentrated political authority, or regulations that don’t comport with their values.” p.41

I find this advice quite narrow-minded and needs context in order to be given. This is ...more

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Nov 25, 2019 Fred rated it it was amazing

YOU MUST READ THIS BOOK!
I don't care who you are.
What you believe.
What you don't believe.
What you . . . whatever.

You must read this book.

I'm formally college-trained in Logic and Rhetoric, have years of debate under my belt, and have worked in advertising as a copywriter, but I have never gained as much practical experience in civil discourse, discussion, debate, and persuasion as I did by reading this book.

I say in all seriousness, that if everyone I knew read this book our society would ...more

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Nov 20, 2019 Jasper Burns rated it really liked it · review of another edition

Shelves: leadership, life, business, psychology, models

I've had the pleasure of having many contentious conversations over the past couple of years. This book dissects many of the problems and cognitive distortions present in these types of arguments and poses solutions to all of them.

All of the best techniques I've accidentally stumbled upon over the years (Rappaport's Rules, understanding falsifiability, etc) are here, plus more. I particularly enjoyed its focus on epistemology: understanding why someone holds a belief gives more leeway to challen ...more

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Feb 15, 2021 J.J. rated it liked it

There are some valuable insights in this book and a book of this kind is much needed in the current political climate. That said it kind of reads like someone mansplaining how to be a good listener which is kind of a weird vibe.

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Nov 19, 2020 uosɯɐS rated it it was amazing · review of another edition

Shelves: education, political, psychology, critical-thinking, to-re-read, textbook

This one would be worth reading again. So much info! I need practice to remember it all - there is, fortunately however, a podcast: Street Epistemology ...more

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Oct 30, 2020 Danielle Cumberland rated it it was amazing

This book is terrific. Honestly, the year 2020 is beginning to feel like one interminable Impossible Conversation. Marriages are dividing. Best friends are quitting one another. And nobody can even count on the soothing rituals of Thanksgiving meals or weddings to smooth over the bumps. What to do? What to do? It feels like none of us knows.

Peter Boghossian seems to know though, at least, a bit. Learn and practice these interactions and watch the tone of civility increase in your life. It works ...more

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Oct 24, 2019 Pete rated it really liked it

How to Have Impossible Conversations: A Very Practical Guide (2019) by Peter Boghossian and James A Lindsay is an interesting guide on how to discuss politics, religions and other general issues in a better way.

The authors write about how to have good conversations about non-personal topics. The list of seven fundamentals of good conversations is valuable, the discuss goals, partnerships, rapport, listening, shooting the messenger (which is don't deliver your truth), intentions and the value of How to Have Impossible Conversations: A Very Practical Guide (2019) by Peter Boghossian and James A Lindsay is an interesting guide on how to discuss politics, religions and other general issues in a better way.

The authors write about how to have good conversations about non-personal topics. The list of seven fundamentals of good conversations is valuable, the discuss goals, partnerships, rapport, listening, shooting the messenger (which is don't deliver your truth), intentions and the value of walking away when things get heated.

They then talk about how to change minds by asking questions, defining terms, acknowledging extremists on your own side, not ventinig on social media, being careful to avoid blame, focusing on how people come to their conclusions and the value of learning and looking at mistakes people often make.

Predictably the book both mentions and quotes Socratic dialogues while leaving out the question of whether these dialogues were in fact real or written later with a sort of straw man used to show how clever Socrates was.

There are then chapters on how to improve your 'interventions', contentious conversations and how to engage the 'close minded' and on master level techniques for convincing people.

While it's valuable and interesting it's also profoundly lacking in humility. The idea that your own ideas might in fact be wrong is little explored. The phrase 'physician - health thyself' comes to mind. Also the fact that Boghossian and Lindsay both have PhDs and presumably move in circles where most of these friends take these topics seriously while many of us move in less illustrious circles where people live their lives and are far more interested in sport or entertainment than political questions is little discussed. Many, perhaps most of us, have various beliefs we've picked up from our parents and friends and actually don't read any, or many books about what we believe should perhaps be given more attention. It's also valuable to realise that people you can have as good friends are free to believe things that you think to be quite nuts and you're better off like that isn't really considered.

How to Have Impossible Conversations is a good, earnest and serious book. It's worth thinking through a lot of what is discussed but it's a pity the authors were not a bit more self-aware about it all. Nonetheless, if applied with a little care the techniques all seem worth a go. ...more

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Apr 04, 2021 Aurora M rated it liked it

In non-political settings, the advice here is mostly sound but also rather obvious unless you're very young or naive.

In political settings, the advice here is not only moot but rather dangerous given so much of the contemporary right engages in bad faith arguments. (And yes there are some people on the far left that are like that, but they don't have nearly the power or platform that the mainstream right wing does due to funding.) Also, some of the author's arguments are illogical to the point o In non-political settings, the advice here is mostly sound but also rather obvious unless you're very young or naive.

In political settings, the advice here is not only moot but rather dangerous given so much of the contemporary right engages in bad faith arguments. (And yes there are some people on the far left that are like that, but they don't have nearly the power or platform that the mainstream right wing does due to funding.) Also, some of the author's arguments are illogical to the point of hilarity. One great example is his combating the argument "asking women to dress more conservatively to avoid rape is asking the rapist to rape someone else is like asking people to clutch their purses more tightly to avoid mugging is like asking the mugger to mug someone else". Yes, Peter, those two arguments are indeed actually the same because rapists and muggers don't go "oh that person is an easy target therefore I will not mug or rape -- I think I'll just go home". The main idea is that we as a society and our values create depravity and inequality, and that increases the likelihood of certain criminal behavior. Just because crime is motivated by ease of opportunity does not mean lack of opportunity will obliterate or even decrease crime.

Perhaps the nadir of this -- and also the most hilarious part of the book -- is when Boghossian and Lindsay give the example of his university colleague who said "If a straight white man told me 2+2=4 I wouldn't believe it." Boghassian's solution: asking the woman "would you board a plane if the pilot was a straight white man?" "What if a straight white man was saving your life?" LMAO.

The cluelessness of the authors in this regard, taking this woman literally and offering these up as solutions, show that they not only are deaf and unwilling to change *their* minds about how marginalized women of color are in society, so much that this woman would make this quip, but that they see their condescending arguments as some kind of solution shows they are indeed a part of the problem. Honestly, if I were that woman and they asked me those questions, I'd troll them and tell them no I would not board a plane flown by a straight white man nor would I let one save my life and see how far I can mess with them.

Lordy.

At the end of the day, understanding someone with a completely different and sometimes volatile world view is not about unlocking how they reason, but how they feel and what their life has been that has led them to have such feelings. And if you don't care how other people feel, including the weird, ugly, bizarre, irrational things those feelings lead them to believe, all you're going to do is come out of a conversation feeling better about yourself, not that it led to genuine interaction with another human being and seeing life through their eyes. ...more

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Nov 01, 2019 Justin Norman rated it really liked it

I'm a bit torn about how to feel about this book. It focuses on a topic that I think is one of the most important issues in America at the moment: how to talk to people across political divides. The majority of it would seem to be great advice, but I was disappointed to discover that the book did not cover much on communicating through social media. This came as a surprise because I found out about both authors' writing through social media.

The book states that because no techniques have been pr ...more

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Jul 12, 2020 Martin Petersen rated it really liked it

This review has been hidden because it contains spoilers. To view it, click here.

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Dec 29, 2019 Wesley rated it really liked it

On a scale from 1 to 10, how certain am I with my 4 on a scale from 1 to 5 for this book?
Probably a 9. I would say it's very unlikely to disconfirm my opinion.
On a serious note. This is a very practical guide to have impossible conversations. Like the title says.
Why not a 5 then? Well I would have giving 5 start when it was the first of it's kind. And since Boghossian literally cites some of these books in this one, it isn't the first.

The mistake I made is buying the audio version. It's good ...more

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Oct 06, 2020 Janna rated it really liked it · review of another edition

“No one cares how much you know until they know how much you care”

Listen to the audiobook review on the Audiobook Reviews in Five Minutes podcast: https://podcast.jannastam.com/

Would you like to have more productive conversations with people who think differently than you or strongly disagree with you? Hint: it’s unlikely to happen online. While many fear that conversations about politics, religion, and values are a futile endeavour these days, this audiobook may encourage you to persevere in yo ...more

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Apr 17, 2020 Ideas Sleep Furiously rated it really liked it

A desperately important book for our times. The extent to which you find some of the advice "obvious" might well vary with your emotional intelligence, but there's something for everybody here and it never hurts to be reminded of useful approaches. Their highly systematic approach is beautifully articulated. I whacked the book on 1.4 speed and finished in 5ish hours. It's a perfect audio book and feels like a long, but brilliant, podcast. ...more

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Jun 05, 2020 Mish Bryant rated it it was amazing

What an absolutely great book. this was something that as soon as I started reading it made me see the mistakes I make when talking to others or even when responding to other people. I have been actually telling those I know to read it, especially now with the current climate like it is as far as politics and social media.

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Nov 09, 2020 Noah rated it it was amazing

This book serves as an excellent tool/reference book similar to how I found "Never Split The Difference" by Chris Voss. It has practical and strategic principles for personal and professional conversations; understanding and negotiating. I am queueing it up for a second read while taking notes to revisit over again in the future. ...more

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Oct 11, 2020 Shawn rated it it was amazing

I found myself highlighting so many times, I needed to just summarize each chapter and all the bullet points in to a Google Doc. Here is the link:

https://docs.google.com/document/d/1z... ...more

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Oct 08, 2019 Jamie rated it it was amazing

Shelves: philosophy

A useful guide for how to influence people, have more civil and productive conversations, and how to be more humble and intellectually honest yourself. I would recommend revisiting this book periodically, even rereading every now and then (I plan to). We can all use a reminder that there is a better way to be. In today's political environment, this is a book that can potentially make a real difference if enough people read it (or listen) to it. 4.5/5 ...more

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About Peter Boghossian

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