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The Legend of Yaotl
Long ago an evil man named Yaotl opened an interplanetary portal in search of a magical power. The portal released monsters and magic so dangerous that Earth was almost destroyed This is what happened thousands of years ago. Now he's back to do it again.
24 pages, Paperback
First published January 23, 2007
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Displaying 1 - 4 of 4 reviews
November 7, 2016
There comes a time in every parent's life when they encounter a children's book that fails to achieve any semblance of quality whatsoever. Ladies and gentlemen, it's my displeasure to inform you that The Legend of Yaotl is such a book.
To put it mildly, the prose in this book is abysmal, the plot ridiculous where it exists at all, and the characters would make cardboard cut-outs seem full of wit and verve. The best that could be said for it is that the illustrations are...mostly adequate. But even that is hamstrung by the fact that, despite being featured prominently on the cover, the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles hardly show up in the book at all. I mean that literally--the turtles are present only on the last page, with Leonardo in the foreground and the darkened outlines of two more in the distance, with the text only referring to them as "mutant turtles with ninja powers."
I mean, really folks, this is not rocket science. My son is five. He loves anything having to do with Ninja Turtles. No matter what you put in this book, he would have loved it, as long as the content was actually related to the Ninja Turtles in some way. How do you fuck up a Ninja Turtles book so badly that you forget to include the titular characters in the actual goddamn story?
Ahem. Sorry. Let's backtrack a little. I spoke already of the (lack of) quality of writing on display here, so I feel it's necessary to substantiate my claims with some examples. Hopefully the copyright police won't come after me if I end up quoting the vast majority of the book's text, but in my defense it's rather difficult to find a single sentence which doesn't deserve to be ridiculed.
Speaking of which, the first sentence:
"Nearly three thousand years ago an evil man opened an interplanetary portal in search of a magical power he'd read about in ancient books."
Ohhh..kay. A rather wordy opener for a picture book which sports an average of 2-3 sentences per page, but I guess it would have to be, since it's actually summarizing most of what follows. Incidentally, this line is meant to be delivered by "Observer Levael-3.14," a humanoid robot who, in a scenario which is definitely not ripped off from any comic book, has been watching Earth from the moon for "eight thousand four hundred sixteen years." As mentioned, Levael-3.14 (what the hell is with that name?) exists only to summarize things we'll find out on our own soon enough. She performs no actions and provides no useful information, and the book would have worked just as well without her in it (not that it works at all, anyway).
So let's cut to the real story beginning on page 4, with this (re-)opener:
"Long ago, before the ancient Mayan, Aztec, and Olmec civilizations existed, Central America was made up of separate states that together made up one nation, known as the Paxmec."
I mean, wow. Is "textbooklike" a proper adjective? Does this excerpt not just scream "Ninja Turtles book for kids"?
Our robotic narrator informs us that the Paxmec lived in "peace and harmony" until:
"One day, about five thousand years into my observation, four South American warrior generals walked through the Paxmec world. Together they traveled through the land."
Note all the super-important information on display, here. Five thousand years into the observation? Who cares? What are we supposed to glean from the fact that the generals are "South American"? Why does the sentence "Together they traveled through the land" even exist? Holy fuck we're only on page six there are sixteen more pages of this shit.
Anyway. The generals are led by someone "even more powerful and evil than they were" named "Yaotl." Again, what's with the terrible names in this book? I mean I get it, it means something in ancient Mayan or whatever, but it sounds like the name of a poofy dog breed and not a fearsome villain. We are told that "within days," Yaotl and his goons "destroyed the entire Paxmec nation," and after accomplishing this feat of horrifying genocide they set their sights on a nearby culture called "Xalica," which this pile of tripe informs us:
"It is considered the last great culture ever to be found on Earth."
It is? I mean uh...weird tense change notwithstanding, why did they throw so much strange, random crap in this book?
Here are, no joke, the very next sentences:
"Yaotl couldn't resist taking over this great civilization. He decided to call on the magical power from the portal to help him do so..."
Wait. The magical power from the portal? What portal? There's no mention of a portal previously in the story. Well anyway, after some ponderously long preparations involving stars aligning and dark magic and "powerful stones," Yaotl opens the portal, and:
"With a loud roar the sky parted and everything we knew about space and time changed."
I just...I can't. I can't discuss how ridiculous this sentence is. It's taking all my self-control just to continue with the review.
To make a lame story short, a bunch of monsters come out of the portal and attack everything they see, with the result that:
"Yaotl had unknowingly destroyed the greatest culture man would ever know, and he had to be punished for this."
So having wrapped up the second appallingly dreadful genocide in a book which is presumably targeted at 7-year-olds, we're informed that Yaotl now needs to be punished, because wiping out the first civilization was something of a mulligan. The burden for which falls on "Siba-Noor," another weirdly named character who is "the most powerful Xalican shaman of all time" (?), and who has just "returned home from her journey" (What journey? Never mind). Following the tradition of this book to gloss over anything interesting while spending pages on tedious nonsense like building portals, Siba-Noor instantly wins the battle by calling "on all of the magical powers to help her." (??)
The four generals (remember them? Yeah, they didn't really do much) get turned into "living stone," which means "They were alive but unable to move and unable to die" (natch). Furthermore, "They were trapped alone forever with the thoughts of the crimes they had carried out." Yow. Then we're told:
"She cursed Yaotl with a never-ending life of pain, forced to feel the loss of love over and over again."
OK. Putting aside how gruesome the idea of a "never-ending life of pain" is, let's linger for a moment on the phrase, "forced to feel the loss of love over and over again." At this point, the reader of this review might think, "Huh. 'Loss of love?' There hasn't been any 'love' mentioned so far...it must be in the book itself though, and he just didn't put it in the review."
Nuh-uh. Dear reader, please believe that the above is a very detailed description of everything that has transpired in the story thus far. There is no "love," "loving," or "lover" anywhere which could possibly make the above sentence make any sense. And thus we are left to conclude, as astonishing as it may seem, that the people responsible for this miserable dung-heap somehow managed to leave a giant plot hole in a 22-page children's book. The mind boggles.
But it's not over! We flash forward, with our old friend Levael-3.14 telling us that she knew Yaotl and his generals would return some day (how??). According to her, thirteen monsters have recently appeared in New York. All right, cool. No, wait. It goes on:
"These are the monsters I have spotted: Bigfoot, the Yeti, Lupa the werewolf, the slothlike Lethargo, the monkeylike Jersey Devil, the giant vampire bat Succubor, the llamalike Spitex, Vixx the fox, Azooli the puma, the wild boar Pict, the coati mundi Arkadin, [I can't believe I'm still typing this] the froglike Weeb, and the giant crocodile [sigh] Cretaco."
You can see here again how this book accomplishes the remarkable feat of failing on many levels simultaneously. Sure, it's ridiculous to name all the monsters on the fourth-to-last page, as if anyone gives a shit, and the names and descriptions themselves are typically ludicrous. But even beyond that, how does this make any sense at all? These are the monsters which supposedly haven't been summoned in three thousand years, so how can one of them be named after the Jersey Devil? Maybe there was another portal in the Pine Barrens somewhere...ah forget it. Let's continue:
"There can only be one explanation [really?]: The monsters and generals have been brought together by one man. [That wasn't going to be my guess] He is the one who now holds onto the Shadow Gate. [Holds onto?] He is known to the people of Earth as the rich and mysterious Maximillian Winters. So what does this all mean?"
I'll tell you what it means. It means this is by far the worst children's book I've ever read, bar none, and that's saying a lot, because I read a shitload of children's books, and many of them are not good at all. So congratulations, Legend of Yaotl, for achieving that dubious honor, whatever it's worth.
P.S. Did I mention the Ninja Turtles are barely in this book? Because I still can't get over that. Seriously.
To put it mildly, the prose in this book is abysmal, the plot ridiculous where it exists at all, and the characters would make cardboard cut-outs seem full of wit and verve. The best that could be said for it is that the illustrations are...mostly adequate. But even that is hamstrung by the fact that, despite being featured prominently on the cover, the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles hardly show up in the book at all. I mean that literally--the turtles are present only on the last page, with Leonardo in the foreground and the darkened outlines of two more in the distance, with the text only referring to them as "mutant turtles with ninja powers."
I mean, really folks, this is not rocket science. My son is five. He loves anything having to do with Ninja Turtles. No matter what you put in this book, he would have loved it, as long as the content was actually related to the Ninja Turtles in some way. How do you fuck up a Ninja Turtles book so badly that you forget to include the titular characters in the actual goddamn story?
Ahem. Sorry. Let's backtrack a little. I spoke already of the (lack of) quality of writing on display here, so I feel it's necessary to substantiate my claims with some examples. Hopefully the copyright police won't come after me if I end up quoting the vast majority of the book's text, but in my defense it's rather difficult to find a single sentence which doesn't deserve to be ridiculed.
Speaking of which, the first sentence:
"Nearly three thousand years ago an evil man opened an interplanetary portal in search of a magical power he'd read about in ancient books."
Ohhh..kay. A rather wordy opener for a picture book which sports an average of 2-3 sentences per page, but I guess it would have to be, since it's actually summarizing most of what follows. Incidentally, this line is meant to be delivered by "Observer Levael-3.14," a humanoid robot who, in a scenario which is definitely not ripped off from any comic book, has been watching Earth from the moon for "eight thousand four hundred sixteen years." As mentioned, Levael-3.14 (what the hell is with that name?) exists only to summarize things we'll find out on our own soon enough. She performs no actions and provides no useful information, and the book would have worked just as well without her in it (not that it works at all, anyway).
So let's cut to the real story beginning on page 4, with this (re-)opener:
"Long ago, before the ancient Mayan, Aztec, and Olmec civilizations existed, Central America was made up of separate states that together made up one nation, known as the Paxmec."
I mean, wow. Is "textbooklike" a proper adjective? Does this excerpt not just scream "Ninja Turtles book for kids"?
Our robotic narrator informs us that the Paxmec lived in "peace and harmony" until:
"One day, about five thousand years into my observation, four South American warrior generals walked through the Paxmec world. Together they traveled through the land."
Note all the super-important information on display, here. Five thousand years into the observation? Who cares? What are we supposed to glean from the fact that the generals are "South American"? Why does the sentence "Together they traveled through the land" even exist? Holy fuck we're only on page six there are sixteen more pages of this shit.
Anyway. The generals are led by someone "even more powerful and evil than they were" named "Yaotl." Again, what's with the terrible names in this book? I mean I get it, it means something in ancient Mayan or whatever, but it sounds like the name of a poofy dog breed and not a fearsome villain. We are told that "within days," Yaotl and his goons "destroyed the entire Paxmec nation," and after accomplishing this feat of horrifying genocide they set their sights on a nearby culture called "Xalica," which this pile of tripe informs us:
"It is considered the last great culture ever to be found on Earth."
It is? I mean uh...weird tense change notwithstanding, why did they throw so much strange, random crap in this book?
Here are, no joke, the very next sentences:
"Yaotl couldn't resist taking over this great civilization. He decided to call on the magical power from the portal to help him do so..."
Wait. The magical power from the portal? What portal? There's no mention of a portal previously in the story. Well anyway, after some ponderously long preparations involving stars aligning and dark magic and "powerful stones," Yaotl opens the portal, and:
"With a loud roar the sky parted and everything we knew about space and time changed."
I just...I can't. I can't discuss how ridiculous this sentence is. It's taking all my self-control just to continue with the review.
To make a lame story short, a bunch of monsters come out of the portal and attack everything they see, with the result that:
"Yaotl had unknowingly destroyed the greatest culture man would ever know, and he had to be punished for this."
So having wrapped up the second appallingly dreadful genocide in a book which is presumably targeted at 7-year-olds, we're informed that Yaotl now needs to be punished, because wiping out the first civilization was something of a mulligan. The burden for which falls on "Siba-Noor," another weirdly named character who is "the most powerful Xalican shaman of all time" (?), and who has just "returned home from her journey" (What journey? Never mind). Following the tradition of this book to gloss over anything interesting while spending pages on tedious nonsense like building portals, Siba-Noor instantly wins the battle by calling "on all of the magical powers to help her." (??)
The four generals (remember them? Yeah, they didn't really do much) get turned into "living stone," which means "They were alive but unable to move and unable to die" (natch). Furthermore, "They were trapped alone forever with the thoughts of the crimes they had carried out." Yow. Then we're told:
"She cursed Yaotl with a never-ending life of pain, forced to feel the loss of love over and over again."
OK. Putting aside how gruesome the idea of a "never-ending life of pain" is, let's linger for a moment on the phrase, "forced to feel the loss of love over and over again." At this point, the reader of this review might think, "Huh. 'Loss of love?' There hasn't been any 'love' mentioned so far...it must be in the book itself though, and he just didn't put it in the review."
Nuh-uh. Dear reader, please believe that the above is a very detailed description of everything that has transpired in the story thus far. There is no "love," "loving," or "lover" anywhere which could possibly make the above sentence make any sense. And thus we are left to conclude, as astonishing as it may seem, that the people responsible for this miserable dung-heap somehow managed to leave a giant plot hole in a 22-page children's book. The mind boggles.
But it's not over! We flash forward, with our old friend Levael-3.14 telling us that she knew Yaotl and his generals would return some day (how??). According to her, thirteen monsters have recently appeared in New York. All right, cool. No, wait. It goes on:
"These are the monsters I have spotted: Bigfoot, the Yeti, Lupa the werewolf, the slothlike Lethargo, the monkeylike Jersey Devil, the giant vampire bat Succubor, the llamalike Spitex, Vixx the fox, Azooli the puma, the wild boar Pict, the coati mundi Arkadin, [I can't believe I'm still typing this] the froglike Weeb, and the giant crocodile [sigh] Cretaco."
You can see here again how this book accomplishes the remarkable feat of failing on many levels simultaneously. Sure, it's ridiculous to name all the monsters on the fourth-to-last page, as if anyone gives a shit, and the names and descriptions themselves are typically ludicrous. But even beyond that, how does this make any sense at all? These are the monsters which supposedly haven't been summoned in three thousand years, so how can one of them be named after the Jersey Devil? Maybe there was another portal in the Pine Barrens somewhere...ah forget it. Let's continue:
"There can only be one explanation [really?]: The monsters and generals have been brought together by one man. [That wasn't going to be my guess] He is the one who now holds onto the Shadow Gate. [Holds onto?] He is known to the people of Earth as the rich and mysterious Maximillian Winters. So what does this all mean?"
I'll tell you what it means. It means this is by far the worst children's book I've ever read, bar none, and that's saying a lot, because I read a shitload of children's books, and many of them are not good at all. So congratulations, Legend of Yaotl, for achieving that dubious honor, whatever it's worth.
P.S. Did I mention the Ninja Turtles are barely in this book? Because I still can't get over that. Seriously.
September 11, 2013
As others have said, this book is a prequel to the TMNT movie book. The turtles are only featured on the last page. It's entirely one long narration by a robot on the moon who recounts events from Earth's ancient past. The story is boring. The characters are flat. And the writing is full of vagaries, which underestimates the minds of child readers.
In addition, the female characters are grotesquely portrayed for a kids book. They have the same proportions as super models with implants. Why does stuff like this show up in picture books?
It's hard for me to imagine any audience being satisfied with this book.
In addition, the female characters are grotesquely portrayed for a kids book. They have the same proportions as super models with implants. Why does stuff like this show up in picture books?
It's hard for me to imagine any audience being satisfied with this book.
Read
April 7, 2008I convinced mama to buy this book for me on a Barnes&Noble run, and she can not STAND the book. She says it's just a back-story set up to the movie that the book goes to, and it makes no sense, especially to a 5 year old. And the turtles don't even get a mention in the book until the very last page. But whatevs.
September 4, 2013
Lame back story of the bad guys from the 4th TMNT movie... Which was good
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