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The Princess Beard

(The Tales of Pell #3)

Delilah S. Dawson (Goodreads Author),

Kevin Hearne (Goodreads Author)

4.06 · Rating details · 1,074 ratings · 206 reviews

Shave the princess? Inconceivable! The hilarious bestselling authors of Kill the Farm Boy and No Country for Old Gnomes are back with a new adventure in the irreverent world of Pell.

Once upon a time, a princess slept in a magical tower cloaked in thorns and roses.

When she woke, she found no Prince Charming, only a surfeit of hair and grotesquely long fingernails--which was ...more

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Hardcover, 384 pages

Published October 8th 2019 by Del Rey Books

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Nov 20, 2019 Hidekisohma rated it it was ok

Shelves: fantasy, adventure

The biggest thing I can say about this book was that it tried too hard. I found this in the library in the new section, and as i don't normally read books that JUST came out, I decided to give it a read. The first few pages looked interesting and i like fantasies that treat themselves differently than the normal Tolkien fare. However, this book... well... the best way to describe it, is that it GRAZED the marks, but didn't really hit any of them.
So the first and most glaring problem with this b The biggest thing I can say about this book was that it tried too hard. I found this in the library in the new section, and as i don't normally read books that JUST came out, I decided to give it a read. The first few pages looked interesting and i like fantasies that treat themselves differently than the normal Tolkien fare. However, this book... well... the best way to describe it, is that it GRAZED the marks, but didn't really hit any of them.
So the first and most glaring problem with this book are the out of place, cultural references and anachronisms. The authors of this book don't seem to understand that a reference in and of itself, is not funny.
Here is a short list of "quirky" references
- they meet a guy named robin and they introduce him to his son as robin's son crusoe.
- one of the characters for really no reason goes "life uh, finds a way"
- their cannon is called the "tampoon" named aunt flo' and is fired by a pirate named Mo Tryn
- a pirate's name is Quort Quobain.

These things..they're not jokes. they're not funny. they're literally just references. they're references to things that don't even exist in this universe so that makes it even stranger. One of the main plot points is even that there's a chain of restaurants called "Dinny's."

The best way i can describe these references is like you're driving in a car, going about 40 but every few blocks you have to hit the brakes because a red light pops out of nowhere.

You're reading a relatively decent fun story about pirates and magic and then it comes to a SCREECHING halt because they feel the need to make a 3 page joke about how hogwarts is silly. Yes i'm dead serious.

There are other problems too. The other biggest one is the pacing. It's hard to describe but it's both rushed and very slow at the same time. There's 5 main characters all with different motivations and story arcs to go through. So they're trying to introduce these characters, have us feel for them, send them on a journey of self discovery, and wrap all their storylines up in 360 pages. That's not nearly enough time.

And therein lies the problem. While the characters were somewhat interesting to START, I didn't care enough about their journeys because i didn't get to know enough about THEM. This needed to be at LEAST another book for me to actually care about any of them.

I didn't really get ANYBODY'S inner workings or their motivations, or anything like that. I just kind of..guessed what they wanted as their motivations were very...simple and boring.

Intersperced throughout the story there were also very juvenile jokes. the afformentioned period joke, jokes about butts, balls, poop, etc were abound in this book. Which really left me the question of WHO this was written for. I don't understand the target audience for this book. It was trying to be risque yet childish at the same time with no real direction. it was written by two people and it really feels like it. Everything really seems haphazard about the writing and it just doesn't work.

It makes me sad because i liked the idea and the characters were cute as well at first, but they don't really develop or grow, they get stale, and i don't feel like they're ALIVE. Like, i couldn't get into any of their heads and everything seemed very quickly resolved and yet boring. When you use the word "Swole" to describe your medieval centaur for the 37th time, it gets very frustrating. I wish i had kept track on how many times they called him Swole. needless to say, if i got a dollar for every time they said it, i could have bought this book several times over.

Overall, i SEE what they were trying to do, but the execution just wasn't there. it needed more time to flesh out the characters, give some of them more likable or at least DEEP personalities, and for the love of GOD drop the references. they're NOT FUNNY. I wanted to give this book a 2.5/5 but since Goodreads doesn't do 1/2 stars i have to round it down. it doesn't deserve a 3 to be honest. 2.5/5 rounded down to a 2. ...more

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Nov 09, 2019 Taylor Leasure (McCoy) rated it did not like it

I don’t know that I’ve ever been so mad at a book.

Dear reviewers, never link another writer to Terry Pratchett unless they live up to the name.
Terry Pratchett means the world to me because he knows how to make a person feel like they need to be better purely through character, story, and witty jokes. This book is the most unsubtle, annoying attempt at satire I’ve ever experienced, and I wish I hadn’t purchased a $30 book for a pretty cover and the promise of Pratchett-Esque writing.

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Nov 10, 2019 Kay rated it it was amazing · review of another edition

Shelves: overdrive-audio

Another fun romp through Pell with another great cast of quirky characters and a few infrequent nods to characters from Kill the Farm Boy and No Country for Old Gnomes. If you aren't familiar with those two stories, The Princess Beard can be enjoyed as a stand-alone; it may be slightly less enjoyable but any fantasy geek will enjoy the many references to various tropes and characters from popular fiction and fairy tales.

Despite the title, this is not a straight pastiche of Goldman's The Princess ...more

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Sep 29, 2019 Liz (Quirky Cat) rated it really liked it

Shelves: 2019-reads

I received a copy of The Princess Beard through NetGalley in exchange for a fair and honest review.

The Princess Beard is the third novel in the Tales of Pell series, which is a joint project by Delilah S. Dawson and Kevin Hearne. Together these two authors have created a truly inane and amazing world.
The Tales of Pell is a world full of fairy tales flipped on their heads, with dozens of stereotypes warped into the funniest ways imaginable. They stretch plots to their extremes, and have oh so I received a copy of The Princess Beard through NetGalley in exchange for a fair and honest review.

The Princess Beard is the third novel in the Tales of Pell series, which is a joint project by Delilah S. Dawson and Kevin Hearne. Together these two authors have created a truly inane and amazing world.
The Tales of Pell is a world full of fairy tales flipped on their heads, with dozens of stereotypes warped into the funniest ways imaginable. They stretch plots to their extremes, and have oh so much fun along the way.
There once was a princess who fell to sleep thanks to a magical rose that cursed her. It was her second curse, which resulted in some interesting side effects. Now that she's awake, she's determined to change her destiny. And maybe save some otters along the way.
This novel is full of unique and brilliant characters, all quirky, silly, and utterly lovable. Morgan is the princess who woke up from a cursed slumber...and she wasn't too thrilled about the massive amount of hair and nails she grew during that time. Though she's cool with keeping the beard. And with becoming a pirate.
Vic is a centaur with a specific gift. He can summon tea and biscuits on a whim. But he doesn't want that power – he wants to be all swoll and tough. And ideally, have everyone know exactly how manly and macho he is.
Tempest is a dryad, and now that she and her sisters have been newly freed, she has big plans for her life. That is, she's got plans on how to spend the part of her life before she turns into a giant and blood hungry tree. That part is already set in stone for her, and the rest of her kind for that matter.
Albartalus, aka Al, is the world's worst elf. He doesn't look or act like any other elf out there. Unless you count his talent for taking advantage of rubes. But he wants better for his life. He wants something new and better.

“Everyone loved dryads and drynads when they lived as slightly leafy humans, looking beautiful and healing folks of any ailment, but no one wanted to tolerate them when they were living the part of their life cycle that required them to be bloodthirsty trees.”

The Princess Beard was an amazing followup in the Tales of Pell series. It was so much fun – lighthearted, chaotic, and just a tiny bit crazy. Just the way I like it. I adore what Dawson and Hearne have created together here. And it has left me hoping to see more author collaborations in the future.
The sass and satire were strong in the third novel in the series, as it continued to warp and twist stereotypes and expectations left and right. And it was glorious. Some of this I had been expecting; fun twists on the classic fairy tales. I still loved those moments.
But then there were some surprising twists and moments. Such as the voyage and seas they were on – a surprise which I will not ruin by talking about in too much detail. The other surprise? Taking a massively popular novel series and just having a blast warping it all over the place. It was absolutely hilarious.
As always, I loved the chaos in this tale. I also loved some of the undercurrents and messages. It's hard not to adore what these two authors are doing here. And it's hard not to keep hoping for more. Though even I have to admit that if the series ended here, they did so on the perfect spot. So I couldn't complain – except to say that I miss it.

For more reviews check out Quirky Cat's Fat Stacks ...more

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Nov 05, 2019 Tim Hicks rated it did not like it

Shelves: fantasy, adventure

Ugh. DNF.
I gave the first two 3 stars. Of #2 I wrote, "The humour seemed to be aimed at a slightly younger audience than last time, and some of it just seemed to be trying too hard. This would have been better with a third of the jokes removed."

Unfortunately that comment stands this time. Now it's aimed at kids who will laugh if you say "booger," no matter how many times you say it.

Tales of Pell? I lasted quite a few pages and saw no evidence that this was Pell, or anywhere other than Generic ...more

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Oct 02, 2019 Lauren Stoolfire rated it really liked it

Shelves: humor, fantasy, fairy-tales

I received an ARC from NetGalley in exchange for an honest review.

The Princess Beard by Delilah S. Dawson and Kevin Hearne is the third hilariously entertaining installment of The Tales of Pell. Think Sleeping Beauty decides to start a new life for herself after she wakes up and become a pirate on a ship with quite the ragtag crew. Doesn't that sound like fun? For the most part, it really worked for me. I love how the authors are so successfully able to turn classic fairytale elements on their e ...more

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Dec 29, 2020 Sarina marked it as to-read

I’m sold by the BookRiot synopsis:
“Once upon a time a princess woke up from a long sleep in a magical castle, and…honestly, it wasn’t great. She was hairy and gross and she’d been asleep for a while. At least no creepy prince had come by. That was a relief. So the princess decided to take off on her own, trim her nails, keep her beard, and become a pirate, as one does.”
Where can I find this absolute treasure?

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Sep 21, 2019 Kelly rated it it was amazing

Shelves: ebooks, read-in-2019

Oh, man. These adventures in Pell just keep getting more wonderfully ridiculous. No, wait. I'm wrong. The level of ridiculousness has remained constant in THE BEST WAY. They're just a rollicking ride from beginning to end.

The Princess and her beard are no exception. Because waking up after a cursed sleep to find yourself crusty and overgrown is only the beginning of Morgan's journey. I mean, the lady definitely finds herself along the way. And a cause. A cause that strikes her in the deepest par ...more

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Oct 30, 2019 Athena (OneReadingNurse) rated it really liked it

Thank you so much to Del Rey and NetGalley for the eARC in exchange for an honest review! All opinions are my own!

I have really enjoyed reading this entire series. Book three, The Princess Beard, picks right up in the world of Pell with more puns, more great characters, an epic adventure, and closure for some of my old favorites.

I think my favorite character in this one was the pirate captain. Filthy Lucre and all the ridiculous pirate rules in the manual were just hilarious. He was also a good ...more

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Oct 02, 2019 Dee rated it really liked it

This review was originally posted on my review blog Deanna Reads Books

The Princess Beard is the third and final installment of the Tales of Pell fantasy parody series from Delilah S. Dawson and Kevin Hearne. I adored the first book Kill the Farmboy and was a little lukewarm on the sequel No Country For Old Gnomes, but the final book is a good marriage between the two.

I think what made me like the final book better than the second one was that the main characters in this book are ones we have me ...more

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Jun 27, 2020 Jacqueline rated it liked it

I found that I preferred (enjoyed) it better when I was reading out loud. So, i read this to my kids. Maybe not the best choose for a bed time story lol, there were things i skipped just cause, pirets and their swords and such. But i enjoyed it. I loved how it ended, but I was sad that it took so much to get into it. It's so funny and heart felt. Maybe I just wasnt in the mood for it when I picked it up. But I will be rereading it in the future. Definitely 😁 ...more

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Jan 03, 2020 ScrappyMags rated it it was amazing

Shelves: fantasy-or-sci-fi, reviewed-by-me, kindle-read-done-finito

Scrappymags 3 word review: Punny as hell.

All my reviews available at scrappymags.com

Genre: Fantasy/magical/humor

A short summary: This is a crazy summary but here goes: there’s a princess who wakes with a beard (and some really long nails!) but instead of waiting for a prince, she escapes and runs away, becoming a pirate under the captainship of a one-eyed pirate. Oh, and the pirate? Is a parrot. Mix in a myriad of other characters - a misogynistic centaur who is also a magical tea and cake make ...more

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Nov 28, 2019 Beth rated it really liked it · review of another edition

This was such a *satisfying* ending to the trilogy. More cohesive, I think, than the first book - but the story was great. Few of the characters from books one or two show up, though there are occasional references to them. Still many puns, and a few literal LOL moments - which always get me a few strange looks as I'm driving or sitting on the train. The tale was fun and interesting, the characters were great, and as I listened to the audiobook - Luke Daniels was a master as always. I will miss ...more

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Aug 26, 2019 Donna rated it it was amazing

The Princess Beard is a puntastic laugh out loud gigglesnort of a good time read. This adventure of self-discovery is not without the occasional mishap but what doesn’t kill you … This tale is filled with epic wordplay and the occasional shout out to various adventurers past, present and future. I heartily recommend.

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Nov 01, 2019 Karrie rated it really liked it · review of another edition

Back to Pell with another ragtag group of fantasy tropes with a twist. Led by a bearded princess pirate in training this adventure finds its sea legs early. There are otters, elves, dryads and centaurs. I groaned out loud at a couple of the word plays.

The narrator does a great job at many characters but his take on the parrot was over done and grating.

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Jul 18, 2020 Walt rated it it was ok

Shelves: fantasy

This review has been hidden because it contains spoilers. To view it, click here. I really enjoyed Kill the Farm Boy. The original created an unlikely fellowship of traveling companions who set out on a mission and braved a fantasy world that targeted and lampooned well-known fantasy tropes. The Princess Beard tries to recreate that formula with a new cast. Unfortunately, the magic was just not there.

The book begins with a cursed princess waking up without the aid of a prince. Why did she wake up? Did everyone else in the castle wake up? Those questions are not answered. I c I really enjoyed Kill the Farm Boy. The original created an unlikely fellowship of traveling companions who set out on a mission and braved a fantasy world that targeted and lampooned well-known fantasy tropes. The Princess Beard tries to recreate that formula with a new cast. Unfortunately, the magic was just not there.

The book begins with a cursed princess waking up without the aid of a prince. Why did she wake up? Did everyone else in the castle wake up? Those questions are not answered. I can ignore this obvious conundrum because, this is a humorous take on the fantasy genre. She "escapes" her town and....wonders aimlessly(?). Dawson and Hearne introduce the next characters in the fellowship. It is an admirable fellowship: a frumpy elf; a muscle-head centaur, and a dryad. Each have their quirks or stereotypical traits - flower child, sullen and introverted, jock-ish, and pollyana. None of them know what they are doing. They just wonder. It takes half of the book before readers can tell that what appeared to be a side joke, is actually the focus of the story.

A chance encounter in a Dinny's 24-hour, 365-day restaurant binds the companions together under the banner of the pirate captain Luc, who is a parrot. An off-hand remark about the meat served at Dinny's leads the crew not to treasure; but to determine the source of the meat. It is a weak story. Each of the key characters has their own story arc, so the book alternates between rapid and slow movement on each arc and then reconnects with Dinny's meat. Unlike Kill the Farm Boy, this book shows that there were two different authors writing two (or more) different story lines that are forced to come back together. One author tried to be funny. The other tried to be more serious.

There is good humor in the book. The heroes lambast ghost pirates. They have plenty of jokes against Dinny's restaurants. Each of the individual story arc tends to end in a humorous and enjoyable manner before each character is brought back to the mystery meat. But....more often than not, the jokes are silly to be the point of being unfunny: canons called tampoons; a pirate named Qurt Qobayne; a clean pirate named Filthy Lucre; a god obsessed with elf butts; two survivor's on a deserted island named Robin and his son, Cruso. Really? Why? These jokes are less than silly. A child will not understand Kurt Cobain, much less why there is a pirate joke hung on him. I do not understand it.

The book has / had so much potential. However, this appeared hurried; as though the authors lost their interest and rushed something for an arbitrary deadline. This story of Pell is overall, not enjoyable. It is ok. Or, as the uber manly Centaur would say "Oh man, this is not good. This is intense." And the reader goes "ah, well, that was clever....moving on." ...more

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Oct 06, 2019 Allie Gerard rated it really liked it

I liked this entry in the Tales of Pell series better than Kill the Farm Boy, but not as much as No Country for Old Gnomes (which actually moved me to tears). The authors’ signature offbeat humor remains intact, and I loved the links (some subtle, some less so) to previous books in the series. The pop culture references felt fresh and relevant, and all in all The Princess Beard was exactly what I expected, in the best possible way.

I was particularly interested in the character of Tempest, a dry ...more

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Jan 06, 2020 Sonja P. rated it liked it

The Princess Beard is a satirical take on a lot of things: fantasy, fairy tales, pop culture, the patriarchy...you name it. It’s the third of a series of a books, (all more or less stand-alone) from Pell.

There were parts of this I LOVED and had me laughing out loud: a pirate named Queefqueg (dying in English Lit major), a whole section about Hogwarts, clever puns, and just ridiculous jokes. This was entertaining to read, BUT, and here’s the but, I felt the individual puns and jokes they wanted t ...more

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Jan 10, 2020 Deborah Ross rated it it was amazing

This is the third “Tale of Pell” I’ve read, and by far the most entertaining. It is, of course, a pirate story, complete with a beard-sporting princess, a dryad in the process of transforming into a carnivorous tree, a pudgy elf, and a centaur whose secret magical weapon involves pelting his enemies with hot tea and sugary pastries. Oh, and the captain – Filthy Lucre – is a parrot in search of the ideal shoulder perch.
For me this novel had more structure and cohesiveness than the earlier two, w ...more

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Oct 08, 2019 Brian rated it really liked it

Thank you to NetGalley and DelRey for providing me an eARC of this book in exchange for an honest review. I really enjoyed the previous books in this series (Kill the Farm Boy and No Country for Old Gnomes). I knew what I was getting myself into here and knew it would be some much needed levity after reading some heavy non-fiction, fantasy and science fiction titles. The Princess Beard follows the title character, a dryad, a centaur swoleboy, and an un-elfly elf on a piratical journey to buried ...more

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Oct 12, 2019 Karin Gorham rated it it was amazing

It is true that if you combine Kevin Hearne's writing and Luke Daniels' narration I am there for it, but these Pell books are particularly wonderful. They have large casts of varied yet complete characters, plots that cover important current issues, in this case mostly environmental and terrible/terrific (it is a very fine line) puns.
I love them all. I will probably reread them all frequently.

READ THIS! ...more

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Dec 01, 2020 John rated it liked it

Shelves: 2020

Fell in love with this series and its sarcastic story telling during the house cup. When a talking goat is your MC what can go wrong? Actually, this story has a new set of characters and the goat man only makes a minor appearance. Thanks for the joy, Gustaf. There are parts of this story that are totally laugh out loud, but sometimes it pushes the line and can be too much on the border of annoying. But all in all it is a fun story.

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Aug 08, 2020 Jessica rated it really liked it

Ridiculously punny, heart-warming, entertaining. It took me longer than usual to read because I wasn't always in the mood for the tone of the humour, but I kept coming back to it. Extremely satisfying ending. ...more

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Oct 23, 2019 Avidan rated it liked it

This reminds me a lot of the Piers Anthony "Xanth" series but somewhat more up to date. But much like Xanth, the plot is really just a loose framework to serve up puns and pop culture parodies. If that's your thing, great. If you really want a solid plot, this book probably isn't for you. ...more

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Dec 31, 2019 Laine added it

Shelves: abandoned

This was too punny even for me.

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Feb 28, 2020 Elise rated it it was amazing

A hilarious adventure with lessons in morality and just generally being a decent human - even if most of the characters aren’t actually human.

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Mar 19, 2020 Emma Roe rated it it was amazing

This amazing book that I’m reviewing is called The Princess Beard by Delilah S. Dawson and Kevin Hearne published in the year 2019. This book is about Sleeping Beauty waking up with no prince to wake her and she escapes the castle and joins the Fuzzy Peach pirate crew to find herself. Without these te princess escaping I believe the princess would have never truly found herself. The princess feels lost mentally which I feel. It isn’t the type of exaggeration that most books have it makes peopl ...more

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Apr 27, 2020 Shirley Eiswerth (Quackenbush) rated it it was amazing

Shelves: sci-fi-fantasy-read

All the innuendos, puns, and parodies Of everything was epic.. I almost choked on my lunch when he asked if she was divergent and I adored the HP and SW references!! Is book 4 out soon?!? Lol

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Nov 03, 2020 Marie rated it it was amazing

Yes another set of characters, different from the first two tales of Palm and embarking (pun intended) on new adventures as apprentice pirates and a quest of self discovery and friendship building.

Oh and the puns!! And the double entendres !!! So much fun.
I hope the series continues

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Jan 08, 2021 Aundrea rated it it was amazing

Shelves: books-to-buy, female-led-fantasy

I just found out this was the third book in a series. I didn't read the first 2, just this one, but it was AWESOME! ...more

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About Delilah S. Dawson

Delilah S. Dawson

1,466 followers

Delilah S. Dawson is the New York Times-bestselling author of Star Wars: Phasma, Black Spire: Galaxy's Edge, and The Perfect Weapon. With Kevin Hearne, she writes the Tales of Pell. As Lila Bowen, she writes the Shadow series, beginning with Wake of Vultures. Her other books include the Blud series, the Hit series, and Servants of the Storm.

She's written comics in the worlds of Marvel Action: Spid ...more