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Burnout: The Secret to Unlocking the Stress Cycle

Emily Nagoski (Goodreads Author),

Amelia Nagoski (Goodreads Author)

4.01 · Rating details · 18,130 ratings · 2,205 reviews

This groundbreaking book explains why women experience burnout differently than men—and provides a simple, science-based plan to help women minimize stress, manage emotions, and live a more joyful life.

Burnout. Many women in America have experienced it. What’s expected of women and what it’s really like to be a woman in today’s world are two very different things—and women This groundbreaking book explains why women experience burnout differently than men—and provides a simple, science-based plan to help women minimize stress, manage emotions, and live a more joyful life.

Burnout. Many women in America have experienced it. What’s expected of women and what it’s really like to be a woman in today’s world are two very different things—and women exhaust themselves trying to close the gap between them. How can you “love your body” when every magazine cover has ten diet tips for becoming “your best self”? How do you “lean in” at work when you’re already operating at 110 percent and aren’t recognized for it? How can you live happily and healthily in a sexist world that is constantly telling you you’re too fat, too needy, too noisy, and too selfish?

Sisters Emily Nagoski, PhD, and Amelia Nagoski, DMA, are here to help end the cycle of feeling overwhelmed and exhausted. Instead of asking us to ignore the very real obstacles and societal pressures that stand between women and well-being, they explain with compassion and optimism what we’re up against—and show us how to fight back. In these pages you’ll learn

• what you can do to complete the biological stress cycle—and return your body to a state of relaxation
• how to manage the “monitor” in your brain that regulates the emotion of frustration
• how the Bikini Industrial Complex makes it difficult for women to love their bodies—and how to defend yourself against it
• why rest, human connection, and befriending your inner critic are keys to recovering and preventing burnout

With the help of eye-opening science, prescriptive advice, and helpful worksheets and exercises, all women will find something transformative in these pages—and will be empowered to create positive change. Emily and Amelia aren’t here to preach the broad platitudes of expensive self-care or insist that we strive for the impossible goal of “having it all.” Instead, they tell us that we are enough, just as we are—and that wellness, true wellness, is within our reach. ...more

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Hardcover, 277 pages

Published March 26th 2019 by Ballantine Books (first published March 14th 2019)

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Mar 27, 2019 Elyse Walters rated it did not like it

Audiobook... read by the author.

When I first saw this perky pink- book - with the title
“Burnout”.... I was kidding - but not completely when I said... “Paul, I have a book for you”.
Paul looked at the title and said.... “stresses me out just looking at that book”.

I thought I would be nice and download it and see if I had any words of wisdom to pass on to my husband who is experiencing different degrees of burnout associated with his tired aching body, paperwork, and the state of our country. ...more

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Jun 12, 2019 Ginger rated it did not like it

As the authors would say, “ugh.”

No really, I counted about five “ughs” in the initial skim through of the book.

This felt not only whiny and unprofessional, but also as if they were setting me up not to take it seriously. Beyond that, it was hard to.

Everyone is talking about this, so while I don’t particularly relish giving something a poor review, I just don’t want you to rush out and buy it like I did without knowing what you’re getting into.

Firstly, the research presented throughout was... thi As the authors would say, “ugh.”

No really, I counted about five “ughs” in the initial skim through of the book.

This felt not only whiny and unprofessional, but also as if they were setting me up not to take it seriously. Beyond that, it was hard to.

Everyone is talking about this, so while I don’t particularly relish giving something a poor review, I just don’t want you to rush out and buy it like I did without knowing what you’re getting into.

Firstly, the research presented throughout was... thin. They deliberately conflate their subjects, on the basis of making for a better story, but this highlights their faux dialogue and made me wonder, if women really are asking these questions, why they couldn’t quote the actual subjects? Why make up a make-believe narrative?
Secondly, the conclusion is that the cause of women’s stress is... the patriarchy. I’m serious. That’s their conclusion. Ok, even if I can buy into that. That does not explain why men would have stress. If the cause of our stress is that women are expected to give “every drop of your humanity” (and for the record, this feels like a lazy characterization of the male-female dynamic they’re getting at. There is nuance here. I know no man who expects the women in his life to give “every drop” of her humanity in support of them, no matter the cost). It felt cheap and capitalizing on the very real #metoo/#resist/#shepersisted moment, agenda-driven as opposed to actually dealing with stress problem. If you wanted to write a book decrying the patriarchy, fine. Do that. Just don’t disguise it as a book on how to deal with stress.
Finally, the tl;dr: sections. Call me old-fashioned, I just don’t really want cutesy stuff in my book when you’re touting a PhD on the cover. Not to mention I’m never here for your suggestion a reader might not read your own book.

Actually, I take it back. I’m glad those were at the end of each chapter because what they did well was to actually summarize their points there. So well, in fact, you really could drive yourself to the bookstore, stand in the aisle, and read those sections and you really would get the gist of the book.

I’ll save you the time for even that and tell you their best secret for dealing with stress. Get ready; it’s groundbreaking: exercise. Not that we’ve all known for years, decades, that moving your body is great for stress. That’s their big secret.

A few of their other secrets: plan problem-solving measures for what you can control. I know. Really groundbreaking stuff here. Stay positive about the things you can’t control. Or, give up! (I’m really serious here... I’m not making any of this up.) Find a larger meaning in life (but don’t be a “giver”—that’s where your stress is coming from!). See yourself as hot. (Again, I feel compelled to tell you I’m literally not making any of this up for comedic effect.) Connect (but remember, don’t give to much). Create a “bubble of love.” Don’t feel guilty about sleeping (exercise and sleep... groundbreaking). Keep a calendar. Deal with the cause of stress.

I am so sorry I’m seeing this book everywhere. I don’t think it will be helpful to women. It’s very discussable. It’s very enraging. It will sell well and be all over Instagram. And I just don’t think it’s going to do any good for any real women experiencing real stress. Their causes are flawed; their solutions are anything but groundbreaking. A dance party to Whitney Houston in your living room won’t change your stress. This read like the worst cliche of the genre. If The Onion had written a book about women’s stress, this would have been the result. ...more

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Jan 08, 2019 Trin rated it it was ok

Shelves: american-lit, 2010s, science, psychology

This is a really well-intentioned book, and I think/hope it will be helpful to a lot of people. I think the authors' advice is generally very good. However, nothing in here was particularly new to me, nor presented in a way that especially resonated. In fact, I found the sort of Tumblr-y, fandom-lite writing style--"feels"! "tl;dr"! quoting Cassandra Clare, good god--to be a little too cutesy. Like, it was just a half-beat off rhythm from the kind of humor and #relatablecontent that does resonat ...more

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Feb 15, 2019 Meagan rated it it was amazing

Shelves: edelweiss, science, nonfiction

This book is filled with so much information, and I’ve been obsessively recommending it and quoting it to just about every woman I know. It’s got so much good and general information about the stress cycle, and how to deal with it. (And anxiety, and burnout, and loneliness, and and and.) A lot of the information applies to all humans, but this book addresses the unique stress related to being a female-type person. None of that stress will be surprising to women, but this is the first time I can ...more

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Dec 26, 2019 Khurram rated it really liked it · review of another edition

It might be a feminist book but the idea do work for both genders

I would have given this book 5 stars, except Emily and Amelia are only talking to half the population. Yes many women have had life and choices (or lack of choices) and experienced hardship more then man over the year. Things are getting better but are not perfect yet, but as the ladies says everyone's experience is different and a whole gender should not be judged by the few or the worst examples of it.

I disagree with the premise ...more

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Jan 06, 2019 Leigh Kramer rated it it was amazing

Shelves: nonfiction, favorites

Someday I will look back on this time in my life and point to this book as when it all changed. Yes. It’s that good. I'm a huge fan of Emily Nagoski's Come As You Are. In it, she briefly explored unlocking the stress cycle and it gave me so much to think about. A whole book co-written with her sister dedicated to the topic? Music to my ears and boy, did it deliver.

The introduction and first chapter blew my mind, right from the get-go and it only got better from there. There are so many takeaways Someday I will look back on this time in my life and point to this book as when it all changed. Yes. It’s that good. I'm a huge fan of Emily Nagoski's Come As You Are. In it, she briefly explored unlocking the stress cycle and it gave me so much to think about. A whole book co-written with her sister dedicated to the topic? Music to my ears and boy, did it deliver.

The introduction and first chapter blew my mind, right from the get-go and it only got better from there. There are so many takeaways that I don’t even know where to start. The beauty of this book is the way the Nagoskis lay out their insights. The chapters build on each other in a way that allows you to digest the information but also figure out how to incorporate it in to your life.

I wish this book had existed 15 years ago! I don’t know if I’d still be a social worker but I would have managed my career differently. This book helped me see how it didn’t matter how airtight my self-care practices were and why burnout happened anyway. It also showed me why I’ve been exhausted the last few years, even though I have more margin than ever—I did not know to label my current experience as burnout but it makes so much sense. I have not done a good job of completing the stress cycle and now I have more ideas and tools on how to do that.

I also appreciate the way they name and call out the patriarchy. It’s a huge layer of what women experience and I hadn’t thought about the specific and pernicious ways it impacts burnout and my sense of well-being. Yes, I can point to the ways the patriarchy has negatively impacted my life and the complicated emotions I carry or are dragged up by the news. But since this is how it’s always been, even if the #metoo movement is starting to bring about some changes, I never thought about the year after year toll. It was so helpful and validating to read those sections and be reminded that it’s not okay.

One chapter I want to mention is The Bikini Industrial Complex, which taught me that the Body Mass Index (BMI) is complete junk. It was created by a panel of nine people, seven of whom were employed by weight loss clinics. WEIGHT LOSS CLINICS. This was infuriating to read about. I haven’t stopped railing against the lobbyists who sold us out and and every doctor who took junk science at face value and used it against their patients. Screw them all.

Clearly the book made me angry in places—stupid patriarchy. But it was also extremely moving and engaging. I laughed and I cried. Burnout was not just a game-changer. It was life-altering. Every person who identifies as a woman would benefit from reading it. I’m so grateful to Emily and Amelia for writing it. ...more

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Jul 10, 2019 Emma rated it it was ok

I was left feeling a bit confused after finishing this book. The title implies the book is about burn-out and how to solve your stress etc, but in reality the book was only about burnout and how to actaully handle stress for 10%, while the other 90% was filled with feministic chatter about how the patriarchy has caused your burnout or stress if you are a female-identifying person.

In my opinion there is absolutely nothing wrong with books about feminism, the patriarchy and how they may or may not ...more

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Jun 24, 2019 lov2laf rated it it was amazing · review of another edition

Shelves: nonfiction-mindfulness, nonfiction-psychology, nonfiction-self-help, nonfiction-body-positive, nonfiction-body-education, audiobook, nonfiction-gender, borrowed-scribd, 250-300-pages

Emily and Amelia Nagoski are talented enough in their chosen fields but they missed their calling as professional audiobook narrators. They pack a lot of info and wisdom into their "Burnout" book but, very importantly, they are *really* fun to listen to.

This book is basically for any and every woman making their way through life and shoveling the shit that comes with it. I wouldn't say I'm burnt out but stressed? Hell, yes. This, along with Emily Nagoski's "Come As You Are" should be required re ...more

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Apr 06, 2019 Lorilin rated it it was amazing

Shelves: wellness, own, food-health

The only reason I picked up this book is because I went to the bookstore to pick up a different book by the same author called Come as You Are: The Surprising New Science that Will Transform Your Sex Life (a truly outstanding, mind-blowing exploration of female sexuality and the female orgasm. #yesplease). While I was there, though, I saw that Emily Nagoski (and her twin sister, Amelia) just released a new book called Burnout: The Secret to Unlocking the Stress Cycle. Whaaaat?! A book on how to The only reason I picked up this book is because I went to the bookstore to pick up a different book by the same author called Come as You Are: The Surprising New Science that Will Transform Your Sex Life (a truly outstanding, mind-blowing exploration of female sexuality and the female orgasm. #yesplease). While I was there, though, I saw that Emily Nagoski (and her twin sister, Amelia) just released a new book called Burnout: The Secret to Unlocking the Stress Cycle. Whaaaat?! A book on how to calm the eff down? Sold!

I read Burnout in two days, and holy smokes wow, what a game changer. Probably the most important thing I learned about was completing the stress cycle—how even if you eliminate your stress trigger (e.g., your kids aren’t yelling at you anymore because you are letting them watch a movie), you still have to deal with the stress that’s floating around in your body. It literally, physically needs someplace to go. You have to workout, cry, laugh, breathe deeply, or create. Whatever it is, that pent up energy has to move through and OUT of you for you to actually feel calm again. And if you don’t allow yourself to complete the stress cycle, you basically just walk around all day every day with that constant frantic hum of electricity buzzing through your body. We’ve all been there, and it’s maddening.

Though the advice above is applicable to both women AND men, be warned that the Nagoski twins spend a lot of time talking about “The Patriarchy (ugh)." They argue (and use scientific studies to prove) that women have been conditioned to ignore cues from their bodies; push themselves too hard to serve everyone but themselves; hate themselves for not being docile, emotion-less helpmates; and then accept blame when the world tells them they’re crazy for not being able to meet every impossible demand made of them. This section is hard-hitting but incredibly freeing, I’ve got to say. Men might have a different take on it, though…

The last and most practical section is all about how to change this stress mess we’re now in. I won’t mention all of their suggestions, but some of my favorites are:

*** Sleep 8 to 9 hours at night AND make time to rest during the day.
*** Connect with people who get you. (The small section here on gaslighting was so eye-opening for me.)
*** Acknowledge and accept the “madwoman in the attic” who constantly tells you that you aren’t measuring up. Find a way to become her friend.
*** Show yourself some compassion, even when (especially when) the healing hurts.

In short, I loved Burnout. It was the perfect book to read at this particular moment in my life—a breath of fresh air that helped me, well, breathe. I’m recommending it to every woman I know (and even a couple men…). ...more

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Jun 22, 2019 Katherine Pershey rated it it was amazing

THIS BOOK IS SO GOOD. EVERYBODY SHOULD READ IT. YES I AM ALL-CAPS YELLING.

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Apr 07, 2019 Anna Shelby ☕ rated it did not like it

Shelves: at-your-own-risk

This book is such a disappointment. Buckets of crazy feminist bs in it. This sucks as a help book.

It started out pretty good but turned into an annoying tirade about patriarchy and an obesity glorifying mantra.

I was stressed out just reading it. The messages are a copy&paste from girls magazines: find joy, not happinness, connection and passion are key, etc. etc. The villain is the patriarchy only, and being overweight is awesome, because we are all such special snowflakes. I hear you, dear auth ...more

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Nov 30, 2019 Ashley Brooks rated it it was ok

Shelves: health

I'm in the minority here, but Burnout was just okay. The writing style made it hard for me to take the information seriously, or to even understand the information at all. Things like writing "(ugh)" every time they talked about the patriarchy or using cutesy, made-up words because the real science is just too hard to understand made me feel condescended to and a little rage-y. For two authors who are all about feminism, they underestimate the intelligence of their audience by a lot! That kind o ...more

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Jul 18, 2020 da AL rated it really liked it · review of another edition

Shelves: non-fiction, audio-books

Excellent insights into everyday challenges & practical tips for navigating everyday life. The authors do a great job reading.

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Oct 18, 2019 Veronica rated it did not like it

I'm too old for this. ...more

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Aug 04, 2019 Amy rated it it was amazing

Shelves: _own-home-library, non-fiction, recommended-friends-or-blog, read-in-2019

It isn't every day that I say that a book has truly changed my life but this one did. This is a book that every woman should read. EVERY WOMAN. I found it to be revolutionary ... it explained so much to me about why I was feeling the way that I was feeling. And, even better, it gave me information about how to deal with it. I only wish I'd had this book when I was in my 20s & providing counseling to domestic violence and sexual abuse survivors every day and slowly burning out. I sometimes wonder ...more

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Apr 11, 2019 Molly Ferguson rated it really liked it

Shelves: aspirational

This is the feminist book on stress I never knew I needed! I would never have picked up this book if I were judging its cover, first for the "breast cancer ribbon pink" of the cover and then for the title. I blame the publishers rather than the authors for this, though, because once inside the book is searingly feminist and offers excellent examples and tips for how to "complete the stress cycle" so that you live to smash the patriarchy another day. I don't think of myself as someone who is "bur ...more

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Sep 06, 2019 Tess Malone rated it it was ok

The first chapter of this book is amazing at giving you all the tools you need to break out of burn out and stop it before it even starts. The rest is rather basic heteronormative feminism disguised as self-help with a corny writing style that tries to be hip and fun but makes it hard to take the Nagoskis seriously.

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Aug 27, 2020 Meredith rated it it was ok

Telling me to exercise and practice gratitude to fight my soul crippling burnout is not exactly groundbreaking. Also, too many Disney references.

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Feb 11, 2019 Megan rated it it was amazing

All women should read this book.

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Aug 19, 2019 Kelly added it

Shelves: read-in-2019, boldness-bravery-and-authenticity, audio-book

I'm not burned out, nor have I been at that point in any time since leaving libraries, but this is a damn good book, whether or not you experience burnout. There's no groundbreaking knowledge conveyed here -- we all know exercise is good for us and so is rest -- but the context the Nagoskis offer, as well as their research, offers up the why behind it. Exercise completes the stress cycle. Resting allows our brains to do a ton of work. I was kind of blown away by the fact we're to rest 40% of our ...more

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May 10, 2019 Lisa Butterworth rated it it was amazing

Shelves: brain-books

Much better than the average self-help book. It has all the usual good advice bits, and a few that were even new to me, specific advice for finishing the stress cycle, getting lots of rest, what self-care really looks like. I loved the "human giving" vs. "human being" discussion. The place where this book really stood out for me though, was is the acknowledgement of systemic inequality, so many self-help books want to sell the idea that you can fix all the problems in your life, and that makes m ...more

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Apr 03, 2019 Taryn rated it really liked it

Shelves: nonfiction, audio, 2019-release

I’m skeptical when it comes to self help books, but after hearing the Nagoski sisters on Smart Podcast, Trashy Books and being totally charmed by them, I knew I wanted to hear more of their ideas. The title to me is a little limited for what the book actually is: an exploration of not just burnout but the stress that causes it, with a specific focus on how stress affects women and what we can do to release some of the pressure. Some chapters will resonate more or less with different readers, but ...more

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Nov 30, 2018 Shannon A rated it it was amazing · review of another edition

Everyone is burned out these days. Most of us (especially women) are brought up believing that you must be pretty, happy, calm, and generous at all times: Failure is not an option.
This book blows the doors off all that, by uncovering the true elements of and causes of burnout (with help from Star Trek!) and gives the tools and techniques needed to combat burnout.
This book is the much needed and urgent answer to a desperate call from all of us.

This is the book we have all been waiting for. Ama ...more

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May 17, 2019 Kaytee Cobb rated it it was amazing

Shelves: library, non-fiction, audiobook

I need a copy of this book. Need.

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Mar 01, 2019 Amy rated it really liked it

Shelves: read-netgalley

*** 3.5 rounded up to 4 Stars ***

Let me start by saying I am not a fan of self help books that feel like cheerleaders. I don't want to be cheered on in life. So then why did I request this book? I requested this because this is NOT that kind of self help book. Burnout is something we all fear and unfortunately happens to all of us. These ladies did their homework regarding the scientific evidence behind burnout and how to prevent it, which I was extremely interested in. There's some graphs and e ...more

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Oct 23, 2019 Valerie Blanton rated it it was amazing

I am fascinated by the Goodreads denizens who seem to think someone is going to offer them a spontaneous honorary degree in literature if they are just disappointed enough in every book and criticize it in excruciating detail. Hating everything just makes you sad, not discerning. Onward: I loved this book. I think it covers this very important topic at a critical time, when thoughtful, achieving women are feeling a lot of despair about the world and our places in it. I found the science interest ...more

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Jul 08, 2019 JoAnna rated it it was amazing

Shelves: summer-of-solidarity

Crucial reading for overwhelmed, under-resourced women who want to be healthy and joyful people, despite the barrage of negative voices in mainstream culture.

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Feb 23, 2020 Kate rated it it was amazing

Shelves: nonfiction, adult-nonfiction

If there is a book that I think most women should read, it would be this book. I haven't written a lot of reviews late, but I'm going to for this one because I'm so excited about this book and it resonated so deeply with me. I know that my Christian faith plays a huge part of how I interpreted this book, so that will impact my review even though the book is not written from that perspective at all.

Emily and Amelia start out by describing the stress cycle and how it plays out in traditional stre If there is a book that I think most women should read, it would be this book. I haven't written a lot of reviews late, but I'm going to for this one because I'm so excited about this book and it resonated so deeply with me. I know that my Christian faith plays a huge part of how I interpreted this book, so that will impact my review even though the book is not written from that perspective at all.

Emily and Amelia start out by describing the stress cycle and how it plays out in traditional stressful situations such as being chased by a lion. They then compared how the stress cycle changes when the stressful situation is no longer a lion but the jerk across the board room table. The most important take-away from that section for me is that current stressful situations rarely complete the cycle, and I as a person must take steps to complete it myself.

I also appreciated the chapter on how to complete the stress cycle. Looking back at my life, when I would journal and do a quiet time, that was me completing the cycle. The most obvious way to complete the cycle is exercise, but I really appreciated alternative methods to complete the cycle. It is so important to process through the emotions of what you are feeling to make sure that you are the healthiest you can be.

The next chapter that really stood out to me was the chapter on weight. I have never heard the research before that being overweight isn't that big of a predictor of poor health or that being underweight is more dangerous than being overweight. But I am in recovery from disordered eating. (I firmly believe that like being an alcoholic, you never really are free from your demons. You just learn to manage them.) When I went to the gym, they asked me to pick what I wanted to look like off a chart, they then used that to set my "BMI Goal". I found this unhelpful as I am not and was not exercising for weight loss. I want to be the best me that I can be and that involved trying to make healthy choices around food and activity. Looking back at my body through the years, the "look" that I wanted was underweight for me. I have achieved that, but it was actually at the expense of my health. I went home from the gym and told my husband that the whole goal setting process was ridiculous.

Another element of the weight chapter that I have seen in my own life was the idea of your own normal. According to weight charts, I should weigh a certain amount for my height. In general, I weigh about 5-7 pounds more than that magic number. If I work very hard, I can achieve my goal weight, but I have never been able to maintain it. I always pop back up 5-7 pounds above it. I mentioned that to a health coach, and she replied that that was probably my personal ideal weight. Giving myself permission to not strain to achieve a number that I probably can't sustain long anyway was freeing in my weight journey. Emily and Amelia will also give you permission to find your normal and be OK with it.

My absolute favorite chapter was the chapter on rest, and I believe this is the chapter that aligns most closely with the Bible and what I have been learning. According to Emily and Amelia, the average person needs 10 hours per day of rest. Rest includes sleeping, letting your mind wander, and doing nothing. As an introvert in a socially demanding job. As a working mother of a toddler, rest time is something that I have to fight for. I was raised to complete the work before resting. I was raised to give of myself no matter what it cost me and rest later. I was raised that "idle hands are the devil's workshop." I am fighting all those lies. 20 minutes spent reading alone in my room gives me more energy to tackle the dishes. Also, the dishes can wait. I am slowly learning to put my mask on before helping others. If I know that something will be difficult for me, I'm learning to say no. My health and well-being is more important to me as it directly impacts those around me. I'm a higher sleep needs introvert who is currently pregnant. I value my sleep right now above all else. My bedtime is non-negotiable. I'm learning to guard my downtime with the same valor. I really appreciated the way that this book encouraged getting the rest that you need and acknowledged that sometimes just scrolling mindlessly on your phone gives you that moment that you need.

So, like I said at the beginning, I'm excited to share this book with my friends. It was written specifically for women, but I think it could help anyone. I've told my boss and husband about it and both are interested in reading it. I won't say that it changed my life, but I will say that what I learned has been lining up with what I have seen in my life and given names and permission to practices that I already do. ...more

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Dec 02, 2020 Alex rated it it was amazing · review of another edition

Shelves: mack-bookclub

Reading the negative reviews for this book was the most stressful thing about it. From the introduction, the authors of this book let you know what it's going to be like. They explain that this is all basic stuff (you probably know about it, but it's helpful to know why it's true). They explain that they are going to talk about the patriarchy (this should tip you off if you're not interested in a feminist perspective). They explain WHY they use stories and simple language and tl;dr and examples Reading the negative reviews for this book was the most stressful thing about it. From the introduction, the authors of this book let you know what it's going to be like. They explain that this is all basic stuff (you probably know about it, but it's helpful to know why it's true). They explain that they are going to talk about the patriarchy (this should tip you off if you're not interested in a feminist perspective). They explain WHY they use stories and simple language and tl;dr and examples from pop culture instead of copy-pasting from scientific journals (People like stories! The science backs it up, you will learn more if it's relatable!). These all seem like good reasons to me. If they don't seem like good reasons to you, then you are not the audience for this book.

I did, in fact, know most of what was written in this book. But this book was helpful in it's simplicity and it's reaffirming attitude. Not all of the analogies and stories were helpful to me (I didn't get the madwoman in the attic and I hate Jane Eyre). But sometimes some things really stuck. Headwinds/tailwinds as a new way to explain privilege. Being grateful for who and how instead of what. Explore/exploit as a way to assess if you should make a life change.

Now for the two sneaky chapters in the middle. There is overwhelming data about discrimination against women (and people of color). There is overwhelming data that shaming people for their weight makes them MORE unhealthy. In general people do not read the journal articles with that data. Now, those same people are angry at this laid-back, unaggressive little book for suggesting those facts in a "cutesy" way and not being scientific enough (not true, check the 20 pages of references). Those chapters were the most reaffirming for me. Maybe if I wasn't already interested in patriarchy smashing and fat activism, they would have been harder for me to engage with. But I found these chapters well-reasoned and well-organized. If you want to know what us feminists are so fired up about, this might be a good, non-aggressive place to start. (Note: there are passing references to racism, LGBTQ+ discrimination, etc. but my one complaint is that there is not enough intersectionality in these two chapters with other kinds of oppression, not just sexism.)

As the authors explain, reactions of anger towards others for allowing themselves self love and self care is often borne out of the (subconscious) belief that all of the time I spent on self loathing, and dieting, and smiling at a sexist boss, and making dinner for a spouse even though I work 50 hours a week, too... is somehow wasted. I think that's at work in a lot of the angry reviews for this book.

All of that time is not wasted. We're all doing the best we can! But it's also not worth it to keep doing things that exhaust us and make us miserable. I think this book has a very clear point of view, and makes its case with science, data, and Moana/Star Trek references.

If a cutesy, sciencey, feminist rant/pep talk sounds good to you, this book is highly recommended. ...more

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Feb 17, 2020 Allison Parker rated it it was amazing

Shelves: nonfiction, adult

I'm growing uncomfortable with the phrase "must-read." How dare I suggest you MUST read this book? No one NEEDS to read any one particular book. It's a rather personal choice, no? - what you're going to spend your precious free time on. YOU READ WHATEVER YOU DAMN WELL PLEASE.

So instead I will say I VERY STRONGLY RECOMMEND this book, especially if...
1. You identify as a woman.
2. You sometimes, often, or almost always feel a sense of hopelessness, frustration, or exhaustion because there is a deep I'm growing uncomfortable with the phrase "must-read." How dare I suggest you MUST read this book? No one NEEDS to read any one particular book. It's a rather personal choice, no? - what you're going to spend your precious free time on. YOU READ WHATEVER YOU DAMN WELL PLEASE.

So instead I will say I VERY STRONGLY RECOMMEND this book, especially if...
1. You identify as a woman.
2. You sometimes, often, or almost always feel a sense of hopelessness, frustration, or exhaustion because there is a deep and impassible chasm between your current life and the life you feel you ought to be living, be it in your physical appearance, career, relationships, civic engagement, housework, or health.
3. You care about someone for whom #1 or #2 is true.

Some major takeaways:
1. Stress is different from stressors. You can release your STRESS by completely the stress cycle today, even if your stressors are still going to stress you out tomorrow.
2. The stress cycle can be completed in many different ways, including exercise, rest, breathing, and connection.
3. Basically everything in our Western society is set up to make you feel unworthy, lacking, and unable to trust yourself. Human Giver Syndrome is a condition of our contemporary world that "Human Givers," i.e., women, are expected to give up their bodies, their careers, their self worth to the true "Human Beings," i.e., men. Human Giver Syndrome affects everyone.
4. Ending the patriarchy will mean creating a world of only Human Givers. So when you feel like a failure, everyone around you will be eager to support and love you. And when someone else in your life feels like a failure, you will be eager to support and love that person. Because that's what makes us true Human Beings - connection.

This book is...
1. Inspiring, but not in a schmaltzy way. In a real, hold-the-sugar-coating way, an evidence-based, meaning-and-connection-are-proven-to-be-good-for-you way.
2. Entertaining. I deeply appreciated especially the Disney references, personal stories, and warm friendly tone that Emily and Amelia generously employ.
3. Gentle, forgiving, and approachable. This is not a self-help book that is going to make you feel pumped up for change and then hate yourself for not sticking with it in two weeks. The authors give flexible, easy-to-try strategies to start feeling better now, even if the patriarchy (ugh, as the authors would say) doesn't spontaneously collapse tomorrow. And more importantly, they promote a message of self compassion so even if you fail to make time, for instance, to complete the stress cycle today, you know that you are still worthy of love, rest, and care.

I can't say it's a must-read for you. But it was a must-read for me. ...more

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"Emily Nagoski has a PhD in Health Behavior with a doctoral concentration in human sexuality from Indiana University (IU), and a master’s degree (also from IU) in Counseling, with a clinical internship at the Kinsey Institute Sexual Health Clinic. She has taught graduate and undergraduate classes in human sexuality, relationships and communication, stress management, and sex ed ...more

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“Most of us have spent our whole lives being taught to believe everyone else's opinions about our bodies, rather than to believe what our own bodies are trying to tell us. For some of us, it's been so long since we listened to our bodies, we hardly know how to start understanding what they're trying to tell us, much less how to trust and believe what they're saying. To make matters worse, the more exhausted we are, the noisier the signal is, and the harder it is to hear the message.” — 12 likes

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