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The Book You Wish Your Parents Had Read

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This book is about how we have relationships with our children, what gets in the way of a good connection and what can enhance it

The most influential relationships are between parents and children. Yet for so many families, these relationships go can wrong and it may be difficult to get back on track.

In The Book You Wish Your Parents Had Read (and Your Children Will Be Glad that You Did), renowned psychotherapist Philippa Perry shows how strong and loving bonds are made with your children and how such attachments give a better chance of good mental health, in childhood and beyond.

She'll help you to:
- Understand how your own upbringing may be impacting upon your parenting style
- Contain, express, accept and validate your own and your child's feelings
- Understand that all behaviour is communication
- Break negative cycles and patterns
- Accept that you will make mistakes and what to do about them

Almost every parent loves their children, but by following the refreshing, sage and sane advice and steps in this book you will also find yourselves liking one another too.

240 pages, Kindle Edition

First published March 7, 2019

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About the author

Philippa Perry

31 books312 followers
Philippa Perry, author of How to Stay Sane, is a psychotherapist and writer who has written pieces for The Guardian, The Observer, Time Out, and Healthy Living magazine and has a column in Psychologies Magazine. In 2010, she wrote the graphic novel Couch Fiction, in an attempt to demystify psychotherapy. She lives in London and Sussex with her husband, the artist Grayson Perry, and enjoys gardening, cooking, parties, walking, tweeting, and watching telly.


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5 stars
6,870 (38%)
4 stars
7,018 (39%)
3 stars
3,109 (17%)
2 stars
637 (3%)
1 star
159 (<1%)
Displaying 1 - 30 of 1,714 reviews
65 reviews8 followers
April 10, 2019
I really hated this book. I can't relate at all to the author's assumptions that everything you find difficult about looking after a kid (even a baby) goes back to the way you yourself were neglected as a child. Honestly, babies are just a LOT of work, and it's completely reasonable to get fed up, even if you had a perfect upbringing! So that background irritation made it a lot harder to sift the text for possibly useful advice on how to handle those frustrations. There was some, of course, hence the two stars; but I didn't find it nearly as helpful or readable as the classic How To Talk So Your Kids Will Listen, which Perry references. (And which approach in any case doesn't work for one of my two. Just saying.)

Further irritations: the immense privilege in advice such as: spend 24 hours to a weekend one-on-one with your kid, either in a hotel or by shipping the rest of the family off to relatives. Wow. Not an option for everybody, is that? Also the examples of how to seek support when you have a baby: "Maybe your mum can pay a year's rent! Maybe your sister can cook your meals!" Cue guffaws. Sure, maybe that'll work for a lucky few. Not a hugely helpful idea for most, though (and while we're on the subject, what's with passing the burden onto specifically the women of the extended family?).

And then there's the guilt-heavy attachment parenting philosophy. I lean towards AP myself, but yeesh. Perry insists that she doesn't want to judge, yet she draws a direct line from parents using their phone in front of kids to the kids' possible drug addiction in later life. Yes, seriously. There are certainly plenty of reasons to limit your phone use, but that's a Bit Strong.
Profile Image for Khansaa.
153 reviews117 followers
January 10, 2022
I’m not reading this as a future parent, but solely for figuring out why I feel what I’m feeling.

Being in my mid 20s sometimes made me realized that “I am not supposed to be treated this way” by my parents. It’s a fact that I find it hard to accept, since I have been seeing them as a perfect pair. I always believed that I should’ve been grateful for all the supports they have provided, and the endless love I never have to wonder.

But this book made me realized that apart from being parents, they are also humans. Perry helped me to answer most of my questions, how parenting & inner child trauma made me do what I do and made me feel what I feel. She helped me to validate my feelings, provided clarity, and gave me warmth I never knew I needed.

Yes, I wish my parents had read this book.
Profile Image for Paromjit.
2,540 reviews24.6k followers
January 18, 2019
Psychotherapist Phillipa Perry provides sound common sense advice for parents on how to improve their relationships with their children, much of which will be familiar to professionals that work with children. It is easy to understand, with highly accessible material and ideas on how to improve home life and make it a significantly happier environment. Perry puts a necessarily strong emphasis on parents putting in the effort to understand themselves and the nature of how they themselves were raised, which often plays a major influence on how they parent their own children. Key to everything is communication and pertinent advice is offered on how to handle problematic behaviours and patterns, the need to accept mistakes and supporting children in positive ways. Widening and shifting perspectives on situations and understanding a child's point of view provide opportunities for better parent and child relationships. This is a great book for parents with plenty of useful advice on how to improve family life. Many thanks to Penguin UK for an ARC.
Profile Image for Yara Yu.
529 reviews420 followers
October 3, 2021
كتاب جميل .. حكيم .. عقلاني

للوهلة الأولي ستشعر أنك تقرأ بديهيات في أسس التربية لكن إذا نظرت حولك ستجد الانحدار الأخلاقي الذي يملئ الأجيال الحالية وكله بسبب سوء التربية .. إذا فما بالكتاب أمنية نتمني أن تحدث
معالجة نفسية عن العلاقة بين الأباء والأبناء علاقة الصداقة والحب واللين ..كيف تكون صديقا لطفلك وكيف تتواصل معه حتي لا يشعر بالوحدة الشديدة ويتجه إلي طريق غير سوية للفت الأنظار
كتاب عن أسس التربية السوية لاخراج جيل يحترم نفسه وأبائه ويلتزم بالأخلاق
كتاب أتمني أن يقرأه كل أب وأم
Profile Image for Hilary .
2,190 reviews398 followers
January 24, 2020
This is a lovely book for anyone starting a family. I skimmed some as my children are virtually adults and from what I've read I completely agree with Philipa. Give your children loads of patience, attention, be there for them whenever they need you and they should grow into happy independent individuals. In short, the more time, attention and care you give them when they are small the less time you will have to spend sorting out problems when they are older. I agree with Philipa, I think it's hugely important for children to have a parent around when they're small and have the option to get in your bed if they need it, it doesn't last for ever, I wish I could enjoy some of those times again. This book has some lovely, kind and sensible advice. Sadly though it might be one of those books you are more likely to read if you already have those views. I really hope this helps some people and their children.
Profile Image for Laura.
596 reviews59 followers
July 19, 2019
This was an interesting read insofar as it pushes the boundaries of how useful a parenting guide can be without considering patriarchal power. Unlike the vast majority of parenting guides, Philippa Perry's The Book You Wish Your Parents Had Read gives mostly sensible, empathetic advice for how to relate to people (most of the things she says could apply to relationships with anybody, although are especially relevant to your own children because of how much time you spend with them and how much influence you have over them). As she is a psychotherapist, I was expecting the inevitable section on attachment theory, which as usual was a mixture of common sense and unnecessary rules (why does a child have to form close attachments to exactly one or two people? Is co-sleeping and skin-to-skin contact really necessary for bonding given decades of doing it differently? etc.) But on the whole, Perry manages to be remarkably undogmatic given the genre she's writing in.

My problem was, then, that even though Perry is very careful to address her advice to 'parents' rather than 'mothers', she does ignore that fact that, inevitably, more mothers than fathers will read this book, and that the huge investment of time and emotional labour she suggests parents put into their children will, on average, be borne by women. I agree with Perry's view that children deserve this time and attention, and I'm conscious of the fact that children don't choose to be born and so choosing to have children is choosing to put in this commitment. However, Perry's parenting style seems to me to be only possible if both partners are doing an equal share of the work, which is still very far from the norm in Britain today in heterosexual couples. Otherwise, I feel like her advice might leave the parent doing the bulk of the child care (usually but not always the mother) feeling burnt out and mentally unwell. She doesn't seem to have much sympathy, for example, for what she calls 'altered sleep patterns' (!!) that result from night waking, and is pretty condemnatory of anyone who dares to steal some leisure time for themselves while spending time with their child. She seems to also forget about parents who have more than one child to deal with at once.

Children definitely deserve to be taken seriously, and I totally agree with how Perry talks about children's feelings and needs. However, this book should have recognised both that primary caregivers have needs as well, and that, in the real world, putting such a huge load solely on one person is bound to lead to struggles that will impact the child as well as the parent. While she obviously can't change this situation, she could have framed her advice differently.
Profile Image for الزهراء الصلاحي.
1,365 reviews400 followers
October 27, 2022
بدأت قراءة هذا الكتاب بالأمس وأنا في العمل خلال فترات الراحة، وحينما بدأته وجدت أني في حاجة لعزلة، وفي حاجة لالتهامه كوجبة دسمة على مرة واحدة!

وضعني الكتاب وجهاً لوجه مع ذكرياتي، ومشاعري السلبية خلال مرحلة الطفولة.
بالرغم من أني سأقول كما يقول الأغلب أن طفولتي كانت سعيدة وكنت فتاة مدللة ووو
لكن، هناك بعض المواقف التي لا تُنسى، وبالتأكيد ما يصاحبها من أحاسيس لن تُنسى أيضاً!

انعزلت بالفعل، وقرأت الكتاب، وأنهيته وأنا بداخلي فيض من المشاعر والذكريات والسعادة والألم وخليط غير متجانس من كل شيء!

بالفعل، هذا الكتاب إذا تم تطبيق ما فيه وليس قراءته فقط سوف يسعد أبنائك لأنك قرأته لأنهم سيلاحظوا التغير الإيجابي في طريقة التعامل معهم ومع مشكلاتهم.
وبالطبع أيضاً ستتمنى لو كان آبائك قد قرؤوه أو حتى سيقرؤوه في المستقبل.

من الكتب التي آلمتني، وأفادتني في نفس الوقت!

كم كبير من المعلومات والتطبيقات المفيدة في التعامل مع الأبناء.
والتعامل مع النفس أيضاً!

سيظل هذا الكتاب بداخلي دائماً،
وسأعود إليه مرة ومرات بالتأكيد.

٢٧ أكتوبر ٢٠٢٢
Profile Image for Sarah Watt.
35 reviews1 follower
September 12, 2019
Has some sensible but not earth-shattering advice about listening to and validating feelings. Overall it advocates a very intensive parenting style that in my view we can't possibly have evolved to need (it's telling that the author only had one child). It comes across as more opinion than evidence-based psychology, steeped in a particular sub-culture, and some of the assertions border on the ridiculous.
Profile Image for Caroline.
216 reviews110 followers
January 21, 2021
DNF 50%. I don’t like parenting books that focus on what not to do and use extreme examples of “when things go wrong!” This was clearly written by a privileged, middle class mum with just one child. Some working class families, both parents have to work to pay the bills! Some of her examples made me cry. The example of the ten year old trying to kill himself by jumping out the window because both his parents were working full time and he felt ignored reallly disturbed me. I don’t need that in my head right now.

The Silent Guides is a much better parenting book that’s positive and helps you understand your children rather than blaming your parents for everything.
Profile Image for Philippa.
507 reviews
January 29, 2019
I am not a parent and I got SO much out of this book. Philippa Perry is one of my favourite psychotherapy writers and frankly I'd read a book about paint drying if it had her name on the front cover.

I feel like I understand the children in my life - and myself when I was a child - better after reading this. On the whole, society doesn't encourage us to see things from a child's point of view - we are quick to dismiss their feelings as "being silly" and so on. I will never do that again after reading this book! I also liked how Perry eschews the idea of good and bad behaviour - preferring to call it "convenient" or "inconvenient", which is far less judgmental.

Even if you are not a parent, if you are curious about how you were raised and would like to reflect on your own childhood, or perhaps feel you have a few issues unresolved, I'd recommend reading this.
Profile Image for Hestia Istiviani.
878 reviews1,395 followers
November 21, 2021
What one thing your 90 years old self would be grateful of with yourself today?

Working on my childhood trauma.

Judulnya memang menarik. Kalau baca sinopsisnya, bisa ditaksir buku ini membahas tentang pengasuhan anak. Tapi kan aku nggak akan punya anak, why did I read this?

Jadi penyintas dari relasi toksik memaksaku untuk menjadi "chain breaker." Hidup dalam keadaan yang tidak sehat bukanlah sesuatu yang pernah aku bayangkan. Agar aku tidak mewariskan hal itu, maka aku harus belajar bagaimana berdamai/menyelesaikan "my childhood issue."

Philippa Perry pada bab awal langsung mengatakan bahwa relasi orang dewasa adalah akumulasi dari pengalaman hidup, sebagian besar berasal dari masa kecil. Sebelum terlambat, ada baiknya untuk membenahi terlebih dahulu hubungan kita. Baik itu ingin dikomunikasikan kepada orangtua atau kita mau menyelesaikannya sendiri (salah satunya dengan konsul ke psikolog).

Tidak perlu (menunggu) punya anak (sendiri). Kita bisa melakukannya sekarang. Mengaplikasikannya ke dalam diri sendiri & supaya relasi dengan orang terdekat (partner hidup, misal) menjadi lebih sehat + berkualitas.

Aku pribadi belajar banyak sekali dari buku ini. Alasannya sederhana. I want to treat my partner (& people around me) better. Apa yg ditulis oleh Perry dengan "children", aku ubah menjadi "partner." Membayangkan bagaimana menjadi individu yang merupakan "emotional container", suportif, & menerapkan "rupture & repair." Menjadi manusia yg hangat & tidak menyakiti orang lain. Memutus rantai kekerasan (verbal dan/atau fisik).

It's really a good one. Aku bahkan memberikan rating 5/5. Sayangnya, buku ini belum tersedia dalam bahasa Indonesia. Padahal aku rasa, siapapun wajib fardhu ain baca buku ini.
Profile Image for Amy Alice.
420 reviews15 followers
April 10, 2019
Fantastic. I'm going to listen to this every year. My strong and personal belief is that relationships rule all. Parenting, teaching, being a good friend...and this bottles that idea and gave me all the reasons why the author think this too, and the science to back it up. It's therapy heavy, it's probably going to make a lot of people mad or guilty, but I loved it.
Profile Image for Hafsa Yusuf.
257 reviews76 followers
April 14, 2020
كتاب جيد جداً، ولكنه يفتح جروحاً قديمة! فعندما يعلمك كيف تربي أطفالك، يكشف لك ماذا افتقدت أنت عندما كنت طفلاً فمراهقاً فراشداً.
Profile Image for Negin Hdzdh.
85 reviews41 followers
August 25, 2020
It was thoughtful, but the title was much more interesting than the book.
Profile Image for Nada.
140 reviews74 followers
November 24, 2022
كتابٌ عظيم، اسلوبه بسيط و مفهوم يناسب الجميع، انصح به جميع الآباء و الأمهات، يُغني عن قراءة غيره من كُتب التربية، لم أجدّ ان عنوان الكتاب مبالغ به كما خمّنت..

"إذ إنّ الامومةَ أو الابوّة تعني أن تكونَ أُماً /أباً لاطفالك، ثم تصبحون راشدين جميعاً ، وأخيرا ربّما تصيرون اولاداً لهم..
فإن كُنا مَرنين ومُتساهلين مع هذه الادوار فإن من شأن ذلك ان يسهّل الامور على الجميع"
Profile Image for لميس محمد.
503 reviews293 followers
February 16, 2021
الشرط الأساسي للكائنات الإنسانية - كبارها و صغارها، أنا و أنت - يتمثل في رؤية مشاعرنا و تفهّمها من قبل الأشخاص الذين يحتلّون مكانة مهمة في حياتنا .
إقتباس من الكتاب .

أستغرقتُ في قراءة هذا الكتاب أكثر من ١�� يوماً بسبب كميّة المعلومات الكبيرة فيه و الذي يحتاج إلى وقتٍ و تركيز ..
كتاب جداً ثريّ و مُمتع و كُتب بأسلوب سلس بسيط يُناسب كلّ الفئات العمرية ولا يقتصر على الآباء و الأمهات و المربّين بل لجميع فئات المجتمع لأهميته..

يحتوي الكتاب على ستة فصول ..
أول ٤ فصول كانت جداً رائعه و مهمه لكن فصل ٥ و ٦ وجدت فيهم بعض التكرار لبعض الأفكار ..

إنّ خُلاصة الكتاب أن الأطفال هم بشراً لهم مشاعرهم الخاصّة و رغباتهم قبل أن يكونوا أطفالاً و على هذا الأساس يجب التعامل معهم لا تجاهلهم أو محاولة إلهائهم و إسكاتهم و منعهم من التعبير عن مشاعرهم و رغباتهم ..
و بداية الطريق لهذا المشوار أن نتخلّص من الماضي السلبي الذي قد يعود و ينتقم منّا من خلال أطفالنا ..لذلك تنوّه الكاتبه و التي هي بالأصل مُعالجه نفسيّه أنهُ لابدّ أن يتخلّص الآباء و الأمهات من كلّ شعورٍ سيء و ذكرى سيئه مرّت بهم في طفولتهم .. ليتمكّنوا من تربية و تنشئة أطفالهم تربيةً صحية سليمه خاليه من العُقد ..في صفحات هذا الكتاب الكثير الكثير ممّا يتعلّق بالتعامل مع الأطفال بأساليب تُناسبهم و تُلائمهم لا تُلائمنا نحنُ ..

أنصحكُم بقراءة هذا الكتاب لأهميته حتى لو لم يكُن لديكم أطفالاً ،لأنه سيغيّر تعاملكم حتى مع من حولكم ..
كتاب مُهم جداً جداً و يجب قراءته..

إقتباس من الكتاب:
الأطفال لا يفعلون ما نقوله لهم بل يقلّدون ما نفعله نحن .
Profile Image for Haidy Adel.
39 reviews100 followers
February 6, 2023

ماذا لو علم الآباء المعارك التي يخوضها ابناؤهم من منظور أطفالهم وليس من منظورهم هم؟
ماذا لو استطاعت كل أم وكل أب أن تترجم صرخات ابنها للسبب الذي يزعجه، وليس مجرد مصدر للإزعاج وأنه سوف يسكت متى ينتهي من هذا؟

2012 bmw x6 0 60

الكتاب عبارة عن رحلة طويلة مليئة بالمعلومات القيمة والطرق المثلى للتعامل مع الطفل حتى من قبل ولادته إلى أن يصبحوا هم آباء وأمهات وتتبادل الأدوار..

"إذ إن الأمومة، أو الأبوّة، تعني أن تكون أمّاً/ أباً لأطفالك، ثم تصبحون راشدين جميعاً، وأخيراً ربما تصيرون أولاداً لهم. فإن كنا مَرِنينَ ومتساهلين مع هذه الأدوار فإن من شأن ذلك أن يُسَهّلَ الأمورَ على الجميع."

2012 bmw x6 0 60

يظن البعض أن الأمومة بالنسبة للأطفال هي أن نُلبِسَهم، ونطعِمَهم، ونغسّلهم، ونُنَيّمهم، ولكن في الحقيقة هذا لا يمثل إلا جزء بسيط. فالأساس هو أن تبني علاقة قوية بأطفالك. أن تجعل بينكم لغة تواصل فعالة، إن لم تفعل ذلك فأنت تعرضهم للإحساس بعدم الأمان.

2012 bmw x6 0 60

"يكمن جوهر التربية في العلاقة التي تبنيها مع أطفالك. فلو كان الناس نباتاتٍ لكانت العلاقة بمنزلة التربة. فالعلاقة تدعم وتغذي وتحض على النمو، أو تقف عائقاً في طريقه."

"الأم التي تهز السرير بيمينها، تهز العالم بيسارها حقا."

من أهم القضايا الغريبة بالنسبة لي التي تم مناقشتها في الكتاب هي:

"الماضي يعود للانتقام منك ومن أطفالك."

هل حقا يمكن لطفولتك أن تُشكل صعوبة في طفولة أولادك؟
هل يمكن لما تعرضت له في طفولتك أن تفعله بدون وعي في أطفالك؟

في الحقيقة نعم .. فالطفل لا ينتبه لما تقولوه ولكنه بالتأكيد يقلد ما يفعله أبواه. فإن كانت أمه قادرة على التعبير عن رأيها عندما تكون غاضبة فكذلك سيكون الابن.
إن كانت الأم دائما ما تكون قلقة من مظهرها أمام الناس فكذلك سيكون الابن في أغلب الأحيان.
هذا يعني أنه يجب أن نداوي جراحات الماضي حتى نستطيع أن نجلب إلي العالم طفلاً سوياً ناضجاً.

2012 bmw x6 0 60

"أن تكون لطيفاً لا يعني أن تكون الضحية أو ضعيفاً. أن تكون لطيفاً لا يعني عدم التعبير عن مشاعرك عند الغضب. ما يعنيه هو أن تعبر عن مشاعرك وعن الأسباب التي ولدت تلك المشاعر فيك من دون إلقاء اللوم على الطرف الآخر أو إهانته."

2012 bmw x6 0 60

كثيرا ما يكون مربكاً للأهل بكاء الطفل المستمر.. تأكد الكاتبة أنه شيئاً عادياً جداً. يختلف درجة البكاء من طفل لآخر ولكن الشيء الوحيد الثابت هو أنه إن كان الطفل يبكي، هذا يعني أنه بحاجة لشيء ما. اهتمام - أكل - أمان - نوم.....
تتعدد الأشياء التي يحتاجها الطفل ولكنه يعبر عن جميعها بالبكاء. فإياك وتجاهل بكاء طفلك لأن هذه هي الطريقة الوحيدة التي يعبر بها عن مشاعره واحتياجاته.. إن تجاهلت مشاعره فهذا بالضرورة سيؤذي صحته العقلية المستقبلية.

"فالسبب الأكثر شيوعا للاكتئاب عند الراشدين ليس ما يحدث لهم في الوقت الحاضر ولكن لأنهم في طفولتهم لم يتعلموا في علاقاتهم مع أهاليهم كيفية التخفيف من الألم"

2012 bmw x6 0 60

الكتاب ملئ بالنصائح الت�� تخص التعامل مع الطفل حتى قبل ولادته. ذُكر أيضاً نصائح عن اكتئاب ما بعد الحمل وكيفية التعامل معه، كيفية خلق بيئة صحية للطفل وغيره من التفاصيل البسيطة والمهمة في حياة أطفالنا.
ولكن في النهاية ...
ماذا إن كنت أباً أو أماً ولم أفعل كل هذا؟ هل هذا يعني أن طفلي ضائع؟

من التأكيد أنه أن كان يوجد خلل فمن المهم أن نصلحه حتى وإن كان ذلك متأخراً. لن يفت الآوان أبداً لإصلاح أخطائنا، حتى وإن كان ذلك سيستهلك قوة أكثر وقت أكثر ولكن ستظل نتائجه مضمونة ومفرحة.

وأخيراً ...

2012 bmw x6 0 60

"ليس هناك أي ضمانات على أن طفولة محرومة مريعة ستؤدي بالضرورة إلى مشكلات عقلية لاحقا، أو أن طفولة مثالية كفيلة بحماية شخص من الجنون."

فإن كنت من الآباء المحظوظين الذين صادفهم هذا الكتاب قبل أن يرزق بأطفال فأعمل به ،وإن لم تكن من المحظوظين فلطفاً بنفسك لا يوجد تربية مثالية بأي حال من الأحوال.
انت فعلت ما تعلمه، فإن كان هناك خطأ فأصلحه، إن لم يكن فلا تندم على شيء.

الكتاب ثري جداً واعتقد أنني سألجأ له لاحقاً حتى يكون مرشداً لي في تربية ابنائي المستقبليين.
كتاب مهم جداً وضروري لكل أب وام أن يقرأه.

The Book You Wish Your Parents Had Read
ده لينك لفيديو جميل جداً بالرسوم بيتكلم عن الكتاب لو حد حب يتطلع عليه الأول

2012 bmw x6 0 60
Profile Image for Margarita Garova.
417 reviews161 followers
September 19, 2022
„…за да се научат децата да се съобразяват с чуждите чувства, трябва и към техните чувства да е проявявано разбиране.“

Преди време попаднах на едно интервю в „Гардиън“ с британската психоложка Филипа Пери, която има своя редовна колонка със съвети като agony aunt, и бях впечатлена от размислите й за отношенията родители-деца, от цветните рамки на очилата й и от цялостната й персона. Българското издание на книгата й е добра новина за родния читател.

Както личи от заглавието, замисълът на книгата е да е бъде в помощ на (младите) родители, учители и възпитатели. Но след като я прочетох, си мисля, че би могла да е полезна за абсолютно всеки. Защото всеки е бил дете и вероятно като дете е изпитвал мъка, гняв, обида и разочарование, към които е излишно да се прикачва прилагателното „детски“. Чувствата са си чувства и са валидни, независимо от възрастта. Капанът, в който можем да попаднем като възрастни, е да третираме чувствата на малките хора със снизхождение или пренебрежение, само защото децата плачат за счупена играчка, а ние заради уволнение, например.

Много от съветите звучат контраинтуитивно спрямо това, което знаем и с което са ни възпитавали като деца. Методи от типа „остави го да се наплаче“, „ще го разглезиш“, „лошо го свикваш, ще ти се качи на главата“, се оказват напразни страхове и вредни модели, които „възпитават“ децата да са прилепчиви, несигурни и тревожни. Бебетата не умеят да манипулират, съответно няма как да бъдат разглезени, а отказът на родителя да се отзове на бебешкия плач, за да го възпита уж в самостоятелност, провокира токсични нива на адреналин, които забавят мозъчното развитие на детето. Разгле��ани са и отношенията с порасналите деца и тийнейджърите със съответните особености на тяхното развитие и възможните неща, които можем да оплескаме и с тях.

Въобще, вероятността за издънки е огромна и неизбежна. Но надежда има и тя е в това, че родителството е задача в перспектива, предоставящо многобройни възможности за корекция. Перфектен родител няма и Филипа Пери със сигурност не се смята за такъв, като с готовност споделя опита и грешките си с единствената си дъщеря. С много примери, казуистика и упражнения, книгата е в най-пълния и в най-добрия смисъл на думата „приложна психология“.

За мен идеите на Пери са просветляващи, тъй като провокират към постигане на осъзнатост за това какви сме били като деца и как вече като възрастни оценяваме опита и преживяванията си от това време и отношението, което сме получавали от най-близките си. Тази осъзнатост е в основата на емпатичното родителство, в което чувствата на децата се признават и взимат насериозно, като в същото време се поставят ясни граници на поведение.

Днес попаднах на съкрушителната информация, че всяко трето дете у нас е подложено на някакъв вид насилие. И ако изключим патологичните и токсични случаи на родителство, има много други, не толкова явни начини, по които добронамереният, но недотам наясно със себе си възрастен може да травмира и уязви малкия човек. Последиците са за цялото общество.

„Само защото ние и децата ни се разстройваме от различни неща, не означава, че техните чувства са по-малко наситени и истински от нашите.“
„Това е истина, която трябва да бъде световно призната: когато се опитваш да блокираш някакво „негативно“ чувство, ти премахваш и позитивните чувства заедно с него.“
Profile Image for H.A. Leuschel.
Author 5 books249 followers
September 19, 2019
This was a good read with some very useful tips to think about for anyone who either is a parent or questions the way they have been brought up, written in a compassionate and clear style.
Profile Image for Rachel H.
162 reviews4 followers
January 27, 2020
I saw so many five star reviews for The Book You Wish Your Parents Had Read that I had to see what all the hype was about. I had high expectations and I was disappointed.

The book starts well with a section about your parenting legacy. This encourages the reader to unpack one's childhood experiences and traumas and see how they can affect one's parenting. I found this fascinating and it would be good to see this topic expanded into a full book.

The following chapters went downhill. Perry starts with pregnancy and goes through from babyhood to adulthood with her parenting advice. Much of this has already been published by other authors and there isn't much new advice here. As I have already read other books and articles about parenting (covering topics like being responsive to your baby, validating your child's feelings, etc) I felt like I had read it all before. Perry's writing style is weak and uncaptivating compared to other parenting books.

However, what shocked and disappointed me most were her sweeping statements and strange theories that seemed to place a lot of unnecessary guilt onto the mother (or parent I guess). For example, she states "a baby cannot survive without you". This is a standalone sentence. It is clearly incorrect. If I died tomorrow, my baby wouldn't automatically die too! She also writes about screen time and phone usage. She claims that if a parent uses their phone a lot, it could cause their child to become an alcoholic or a drug addict. Seriously?! Unfortunately, Perry does not cite sources for any of her claims.

I've given two stars for the first section on parenting legacy, which is the only part worth reading. There are many far better books about parenting available.
Profile Image for Elaine Mullane || At Home in Books.
870 reviews318 followers
January 16, 2019
3.5 stars

I often try to read books on parenting, more for insight really, but if I can take some tips from it - great! This relatively short book is broken into sections, each detailing how to engage with your child and approach various situations. I found it to be both interesting and practical, and I really appreciated Perry's approach of trying to understand things from your child's perspective before you act.

I particularly enjoyed the section on socialisation and the qualities children (and adults!) need to behave well, namely:

1. Being able to tolerate frustration;
2. Flexibility;
3. Problem-solving skills;
4. The ability to see and feel things from other people's point of view.

It is important to support your children in learning these qualities, but Perry also suggests that you should employ these qualities when handling situations with your children. I think that's a great way to approach things.

The Book You Wish Your Parents Had Read... suggests ways of addressing things in your own childhood and putting them aside; creating a harmonious home environment; helping children to express how they really feel so their feelings are validated and understood; setting boundaries; accepting mistakes and making efforts to repair situations. Perry encourages you to treasure your relationships with your children and work every day to improve the bond your share.

I am really glad I read this book. Thank you to Netgalley and publisher for the opportunity.
Profile Image for Lauren Beckett.
68 reviews9 followers
September 4, 2019
This is perhaps the most important and life-changing book I've ever read. The first half felt like therapy for me to work through how I was parented and for me to realise the generational patterns I have been repeating when raising my little girl that are not innate, accidental or just the way I am (as I thought) but can be changed and worked on. It has made me much more mindful of my words and behaviour with my daughter and indeed everyone. Since reading this I'm now an avid listener of Janet Lansbury's 'Unruffled' podcasts that put the philosophy of this book into action with practical tips on how to parent respectfully. Thank goodness I found this book; it has changed my summer and my life. Whether you're a parent or not, this book has the power to improve all your human relationships, at any age. I'm so grateful I came across it.
Profile Image for Rachel.
99 reviews4 followers
July 2, 2019
Update: NO STARS. The more I reflect on this book the more fed up I actually get, because even though I skim-read the baby and toddler chapters since they don’t apply, the tone was disparaging and critical of any parenting method that contradicted the woman’s opinion. The woman causes self-doubt. Avoid.
169 reviews
June 12, 2020
There is some good stuff is here but it’s largely philosophy you can find in any gentle parenting/positive discipline book. I loved the image of being a container for your child’s emotion—it’s evocative and it honestly works. But the junk outweighs the good stuff. So...the stuff I hated: Perry reiterates “the ruptures don’t matter, it’s what you do to mend that matters” but her tone is so patronizing and condescending that you know she’s not so secretly judging you. God help the woman who happens to read this during post partum depression (if that’s you, just throw this book in the fire). I don’t think my kid will try and jump out a window because I made the mistake of trying to hard to make them happy, or grow up being ashamed on needing another person because they were sleep trained, or become a drug addicted because I look at my phone. Honestly the majority of this stuff is totally absurd and I’m fairly sure the “evidence” she talks about sleep training is from that study fo Romanian orphanages where children were neglected for months and abused. And one last thing: I had a very happy childhood but GASP I still manage to find my children annoying sometimes.
Profile Image for Paul.
2,113 reviews
June 28, 2019
Parenting is never easy. There is no right way to do it, but there are plenty of wrong ways and for those that are interested there are a plethora of books out there that claim to provide all the advice that you will ever need in raising your genetic heritage. This, however, comes with the by-line, this is a parenting book for people who don’t buy parenting books, which is quite a bold claim. Psychotherapist Philippa Perry is well placed to make this claim with two decades of experience of case studies and her own experience of being a parent. She concentrates on the bigger picture of being a parent rather than the minutia, concentrating on the relationship and how important that is to their well being.

We have successfully managed to get our firstborn all the way through to adulthood as she was 18 earlier this year. Not totally sure how we managed that, but we did. We were never perfect and reading this has highlighted some errors, but I wish this was around all those years ago when she was first born. If you are starting to hear yourself saying the things that your parent did then it is probably high time that you read this. It is full of sensible advice, but I wished it had more on teenagers, as it is mostly toddler focused. It does have sensible suggestions though and she re-iterates all the way through that these are suggestions and you sometimes need to go with your gut instinct.
Profile Image for Vanya Prodanova.
674 reviews26 followers
May 12, 2021
Заглавието на книгата си казва всичко. Как с такова заглавие да не любопитства човек да я прочете? :)

Дори да нямаш деца и да не ти е в плановете, всеки един от нас би спечелил от прочита на книгата - по една или друга причина всички имаме някакъв вид комуникация с деца и не вреди да се образова малко човек по темата. Поне ще научиш някой и друг трик как да успокояваш изнервени родители. :Р Отделно, книгата е чудесна да се опиташ да задълбаеш в собственото си детство и да видиш как точно са те повредили твоите родители.

Книгата е разделена на няколко големи теми (поведение, отношения и т.н.) и разглежда всяка една поотделно, което прави доста лесна информацията за възприемане и после за референции. Но няма да крия, че нещата винаги звучат много лесни на хартия, обаче знаем, че на практика не е винаги така . Но! Осъзнаването, че имаш проблем е първата стъпка към решаването му. Нали все така казват? Та, идеята да прочетеш такава книга дори целта ти да е просто да се опиташ разбереш малко по-добре себе си и демоните си, е достатъчно добра причина, дори ти самият да не си родител. А и съветите в книгата могат спокойно да се отнесат и за отношения възрастен-възрастен без проблеми.

Бъдещи родители и настоящи родители могат да спечелят още повече от прочита на книгата. Най-малкото, намаляването на врещящи деца из магазини и самолети, ще е чудесен плюс за всички замесени. :)
Profile Image for June.
590 reviews20 followers
April 10, 2020
First of all, I'm not a parent, but I work with kids. If neither of those are true for you, there's not enough here to make it worth your while--get a book on attachment theory instead if you want to understand your latent anger at your lousy parents.

I found myself muttering, "OK Boomer" at all the anecdata and groundless assertions. Seriously, there's a dramatized argument between a 60-year-old man and his 22-year-old son over a leather jacket that is the most Boomer-vs.-Gen Z thing ever. And of course, the two recognize and vocalize their feelings and save their relationship (though who will get the jacket?! Inquiring minds want to know). Perry truly believes that "all you need is love" and doesn't have much scholarly research to back her recommendations up. There is a bibliography at the end of the book with a few peer-reviewed articles, more mainstream parenting books, and several sketchy self-published sources. Her advice seems most applicable to people like herself--well-to-do urban dwellers who don't have to do shift work and can hire au pairs and babysitters to help. She only alludes to abuse once in the entire book. And her solution to financial problems caused by high housing costs? "I believe that, while we wait for the politicians to rectify this unfairness, perhaps the previous generation could help out new parents financially as well as emotionally." So.... new parents can expect a check from you, Philippa?

Three stars because I don't wish my parents had read this book, but I don't wish they hadn't either.

Thanks to the publishers and NetGalley for a digital ARC for the purpose of an unbiased review.
Profile Image for Claire Hennighan.
115 reviews10 followers
January 19, 2019
I don't normally read self-help books, but I'd recently had a training session about the use of psychotherapy in schools, a lot of which spoke to me as a parent, and I was keen to find out more. This book is a game-changer. I'm glad that I've read it now, as a parent of a 10 and 7-year-old, but I really wish I'd read it earlier. I'll be buying it for pregnant friends in future!

This is not a book providing quick fixes and solutions, but rather one which will increase your understanding of what your child thinks and needs. After finishing reading it two weeks ago, I wanted to work with some of the ideas before reviewing it. All I can say is that our home has been much calmer recently and that we've enjoyed more hugs than we have for a while. Perry's approach makes complete sense to me.

I'd particularly recommend this for new parents, but it's also a valuable read for those with older children.

Please can Ms Perry next write a similar book for teachers?
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