To the River: Losing My Brother

by Don Gillmor

An eloquent and haunting exploration of suicide in which one of Canada's most gifted writers attempts to understand why his brother took his own life. Which leads him to another powerful question: Why are boomers killing themselves at a far greater rate than the Silent Generation before them or the generations that have followed?

In the spring of 2006, Don Gillmor travelled to Whitehorse to reconstruct the last days of his brother, David, whose truck and cowboy hat were found at the edge of the Yukon River just outside of town the previous December. David's family, his second wife, and his friends had different theories about his disappearance. Some thought David had run away; some thought he'd met with foul play; but most believed that David, a talented musician who at the age of 48 was about to give up the night life for a day job, had intentionally walked into the water. Just as Don was about to paddle the river looking for traces, David's body was found, six months after he'd gone into the river. And Don's canoe trip turned into an act of remembrance and mourning.
At least David could now be laid to rest. But there was no rest for his survivors. As his brother writes, "When people die of suicide, one of the things they leave behind is suicide itself. It becomes a country. At first I was a visitor, but eventually I became a citizen." In this tender, probing, surprising work, Don Gillmor brings back news from that country for all of us who wonder why people kill themselves. And why, for the first time, it's not the teenaged or the elderly who have the highest suicide rate, but the middle aged. Especially men.

Genres: Nonfiction, Memoir, Canada, Biography Memoir, Mental Illness

257 pages, Hardcover

First published December 31, 2018

About the author

Author and journalist Don Gillmor was born in Fort Frances, Ontario in 1959 and presently lives in Toronto, Ontario. Don possesses a Bachelor of Arts degree in English Literature from the University of Calgary. He has worked for publisher John Wiley & Sons, and has written for a number of magazines including Rolling Stone, GQ, Premiere, and Saturday Night.; where he was made a contributing editor in 1989.

Reviews

[Gillian Deacon · Rating 5 out of 5]

I loved this book. It seems hard to believe that a book about suicide could be described this way, but To The River is compelling and laugh-out-loud funny and beautiful and thoughtful and heartwarming as a book can be.

The exercise of exploring a chosen death leads to much consideration of life, what it means, the struggles we all share and the ones some find harder to overcome. So this personal story of loss and mystery and mourning feels universal, even if suicide hasn’t touched your life.

I’m so glad I read this. Highly recommend.

[Petra · Rating 4 out of 5]

Don Gillmor starts this book by trying to make sense of his brother's death. The book becomes a strong blend of memory, nostalgia, facts and contemplating the human condition. I thoroughly enjoyed this book, and sympathized with the author and his brother.
The author's study of suicide shows the intricacy of such an act. It's also a study of life, it's struggles and meanings.
A calm and interesting look at death by our own hands.
I feel for the author and his family, and for all families affected by a suicide.

[Amber Daugherty · Rating 4 out of 5]

"When people die from suicide, one of the things they leave behind is suicide itself. If becomes a country. At first I was a visitor, but eventually I became something like a citizen." Don Gillmor's brother David walked into the river, leaving behind a family and friends baffled that they didn't realize he was unhappy, depressed, looking for relief. So Don went to Whitehorse, where he had lived, to try and reconstruct his brother's life - one he admits he wasn't as aware of as much as he could have been in recent years - to get a better understanding of what was plaguing him, how it led to this.

This is a heartbreaking book because the farther Don gets into his journey, the more he's aware of the shared past between him and his brother and the more he realizes his brother is not that different from a lot of other people. The second half of the book is an investigation into who commits suicide and artists, musicians, middle-aged white men are prominent in the statistics, some of them actually rising in recent years.

Read this only if you're ready for a study on death, on what causes someone to seek their own. But also if you want an interesting snapshot of a family growing up tight, together, happy memories of boys playing together (until someone gets hurt), the picture of a childhood exploring and roaming free. It's devastating and potentially also cathartic for Don, an act of loyalty to his brother who he never got to say goodbye to. Well written, painful, beautiful at times.

[Oakland · Rating 5 out of 5]

To the River is at once a prodigious feat of remembrance, an intensely personal expression of love and sorrow, and a level-headed exploration of a deeply-rooted social problem. The tone is appropriately mournful overall but manages to be funny in places, too -- and that's a magical feat in itself. I read it in about two sittings and will probably read it again before long, drawn back for the description and the writing. The writing is sublime.

[Joanne · Rating 5 out of 5]

This book came out a decade after the author’s brother David waded into a half-frozen river in the Yukon and ended his life. The first section is a poignant memoir of David as a child and a reflection on the life he led in Whitehorse. David never settled into an ordinary life. He played music for a living whenever possible, drank too much, did too many drugs, pulled away from the persons who loved him the most. He left no note behind on that final day.
The larger part of the book surprised me. It isn’t more about David, although he’s never very far off stage. It’s an amalgam of empirical data about suicide and personal remembrances by the author of other suicides he had encountered among his peers. He focuses on middle aged white men, because, as he says, that is the demographic with which he is most familiar. If this sounds rather pedantic, that’s on me, because it was utterly compelling reading. It made so much sense.
Everyone knows, whether they’ve experienced it first hand or not, that the suicide of a loved one creates mountains of pain and regret for those left behind. It doesn’t always come right away. It can wake you up in the middle of the night a decade later. A song, a smell, an unintentional drive by a place that mattered, and boom! You’re back in that “what-if” zone. It is this emotional toll that the author explores and shares with the reader. This book was painful but so very, very authentic and meaningful.

[Tina · Rating 5 out of 5]

Although I’ve turned the last page, this book will stay with me for a long time. Having studied sociology, I appreciated Gillmor’s research as much as his beautifully told story of his brother’s life and death. This book is both heartbreaking and hopeful, a captivating read.

[Deborah Sowery-Quinn · Rating 5 out of 5]

This is a beautifully written book in which the author describes his journey to find out more about his brother & his death by suicide, describing their lives as children & the different paths they chose. Alongside his personal journey he writes about suicide & current research on the topic.

[Sandra Vornbrock · Rating 5 out of 5]

Well-written

Gillmor has a beautifully told personal story but has also researched the subject of suicide well. This book is very informative and the issue handled with sensitivity. It is a must read for those living with at risk individuals or who have lost someone.

[Norma]

Engaging book about a family dealing with the suicide of a brother and a son. A quick read, but it lingers in one's thoughts.

[Steph M · Rating 5 out of 5]

First book of 2019 - very heartbreaking, and overwhelming, but informative and valuable.

[Dd · Rating 5 out of 5]

Incredible.

I was really taken by the author's ability to brilliantly write a novel that was a combination of a heart wrenching and tender narrative around his brothers life and death, a journalistic exploration into suicide, and a very astute analysis of our current social climate.

This book was so touching that I was often moved to tears. There were passages that were so insightful and heartfelt that I found myself reading them over and over again.

For anyone who's not afraid to read about suicide (and addictions) and the harsh statistics surrounding it I would highly recommend this.

I'm very curious to read other books by Gillmor.

[Josh Maclellan · Rating 3 out of 5]

Definitely an interesting read. It is an eye opening read about suicide, the aftermath, and thoughts and regrets from the perspective of surviving family and friends. My ratings are for the topic, and how the book resonated with me. It's an honest and insightful book, but not what I expected. I'd rate it an honest 3.5 stars, but not any higher.

I would like to encourage anyone who is contemplating suicide, or family and friends who've lost someone to reach out for support. Please remember you're never alone, maybe just lonely. God bless

[Becky · Rating 3 out of 5]

5 stars for the opening half, personal to the author, and an interesting, somewhat nostalgic view of the town I live in. I wasn't as appreciative of the suicideology chapters.

[Coralie · Rating 4 out of 5]

This book has taught me a lot about suicide: what a complex topic it is. Suicide is different for everyone and we are not quite at a point yet where we can completely understand it. Although this is a hard topic to talk about, Gillmor does it in a way that is calming and reassuring. Gillmor’s brother committed suicide himself which creates a different feeling for the book. This is not a book sharing solution for those affected or families of people who have committed suicide or contemplated this book. This book simply and powerfully recounts many stories that Gillmor has had with suicide and how in most cases, we, the observers do not have that much power other than opening up a discourse and hopefully creating a prevention.

[Paula Dembeck · Rating 5 out of 5]

In this heart breaking, honest and very personal book, Don Gilmore talks about losing his younger forty-eight year old brother David to suicide in December 2005. It is a book filled with past memories, longing, poignant sorrow and questions about what happened and why. This is a well written memoir by a man baring his soul, sharing his thoughts, exposing his sadness and trying to answer the question that always surfaces by those left behind when a tragedy like this happens: Why did he do it? What made life so untenable that this talented young musician felt he could no longer take any more steps in his own shoes, who felt the future to be so bleak he could not possibly go on.

Don Gilmore is one of Canada’s award winning writers, a man who has earned prizes and nominations for his books, novels, newspaper and magazine articles. This book brought him his most prestigious win, the 2019 Governor General’s Award. Given its contents it was a difficult book to write and a bittersweet win, but Gilmore hopes it will continue the conversation about this difficult topic, one still wrapped in social stigma. It was also the way Gilmore worked through the grief of his brother’s death.

Six months after his brother was reported missing and before his body was discovered, Gilmore went up to Whitehorse where David lived to find out what he could and find a way to mourn his loss. What he eventually discovered was that David had juiced up on large amounts of alcohol and cocaine, swallowed a bottle of sleeping pills and walked into the Yukon River, never to be seen alive again. The winter ice formed over the river and his body did not surface till the following June, the day Don arrived in the North.

Don talked to everyone he could about his brother’s life, work and relationships. What emerged was some of what he already knew, that his brother was a talented musician who struggled much of his life with addictions and relationships with women. As he talked to David's former employer's, bar tenders, band mates, wives and former girlfriends he heard many different versions of his brother and the life he led.

Gilmore goes back to memories of his brother when they were growing up, times that were easy and fun. As children they enjoyed an easy middle class life and Don tells stories of the mischief they got into as kids. They were very different boys, their differences becoming more evident as they grew older. David was accident prone and had a mishap filled childhood, he was smart but not academic and rebellious in a middle class way. Eventually the two boys took different life paths. David decided on a music career and Don went to college hoping to become a writer. David never liked being alone and always surrounded himself with people. He got into pot early and smoked lots of it, married and had a daughter named Ivy. The marriage didn’t last and after the couple divorced, David moved to the Yukon where he spent the last twenty years of his life. As Don and David grew older, they saw each other rarely, separated by the different paths life had taken them and the distances between the places they had settled, Don in Toronto and David in the Yukon.

Gilmore considers the incidence of suicide among middle aged white men and why they are especially susceptible to suicide. Sociologist suggest it may be the fact they have never been tested by world wars or a long recession, adversity that challenged the resilience, coping and adapting skills of the generations that preceded them. The boomer years were also a time when long held institutions and traditional values were questioned and left behind. Couples chose to live together openly rather than marry and more couples chose to split up as divorce became easier to obtain. Churches stood empty as the ritual of every Sunday attendance was no longer considered a social standard. The one company career became a thing of the past as families moved around the country, pulled by job offers or the requirements of their jobs. The structures that had provided support and a feeling of community in the past were being discarded with nothing to replace them. Technology became a bigger part of domestic life with the use of cell phones, DVDs and video games. People immersed themselves in social media and became more isolated, interacting increasingly with the technology rather than in direct contact with their neighbours and friends.

Gilmore notes the gender based patterns that evolved as young people began to cope in this different kind of world. Women who have always bonded more easily with others, establishing long held friendships, discussed problems and comforted each other, continued with these established patterns. Men who have always tended to be more solitary beings, isolating themselves in their silence with their issues, problems and concerns and socially conditioned to appear strong to the outside world, became even more isolated, unwilling to admit difficulty coping.

Technology also had an impact in the workplace and expertise in these fields became a requirement for employment. Those middle aged men already in the workplace were often pushed out, made redundant by the new jobs created for new more technical savvy, younger workers.

The boomers who had faced the world with such optimism found themselves floundering. As they aged they faced many loses including the unfulfilled dreams they had carried from their younger days of what their life would be like.

Gilmore reviews some of the recent research on suicide and finds some less known facts and many theories but very few hard truths. Most of the questions raised were some version of the same question: why did he do it? Among his findings were that addiction is a marker for suicide, the clear links between creativity and suicide and a surprising finding that suicide rates go up when things are going well, the opposite of what most people would think. That finding has generated a theory that suicide has less to do with people's circumstances than their expectations.

Survivors of loss have also been studied in detail, leading to a consensus that mourning a death from suicide is more complicated than mourning other deaths, complicated not just by grief but by the struggle to understand why and the realization that those left behind may never know.

Suicide has surrounded Gilmore much of his life. Apart from his brother, he knows acquaintances who have ended their lives and many others who think about it and carry dark thoughts as part of their lives. Gilmore also notes it is not always easy to identify who these people are or the depth of their despair from their outward appearance.

This is a compelling and brave book, one which will inform and move readers and gain praise for the intelligence and sensitivity of this very fine writer.

[Chris Woodheaf · Rating 5 out of 5]

It feels strange to say I enjoyed a book about suicide - but I did! Fillmore tells a very personal story with great objectivity. He also covers current research on the subject, research he sought out to help provide him with information that might help this all make sense. But t there is no sense to be made. Try as we might, we can never really know another’s mind.

An important story and very worthwhile read.

[Rick Weiler · Rating 5 out of 5]

But, no solutions

For me this was a highly evocative, wonderfully rendered portrait of what it is today to be an old white boomer - both from the perspective of the author and his late brother. Lots of resonance but no solutions. For those we turn to Jordan Peterson.

[Jeanne Bank · Rating 4 out of 5]

Loved the mix of memoir, nostalgia and facts. I felt like this was written for me and my brothers. I hope I never have to deal with this type of loss.

[Enid Wray · Rating 3 out of 5]

The first half of this book had me enthralled - often simultaneously smiling and tearing up, if not in tears - as the author ‘reminisces’ in his attempt to try to understand - and come to terms with - his brother’s death by suicide. The ‘scenes’ - albeit tinged by nostalgia - are heartwarming and heartbreaking, but ultimately so normal - making the reader contemplate/(re)assess their own family circumstances through a different lens.

The second half, which is essentially an academic exercise in understanding the ways in which suicide today differs from suicide in the previous generation, while of interest and appeal to the demographer/statistician in me, did not captivate me in the same way. That is likely more a fact of, once again, my expectation as opposed to a failing on the part of the author. But this section does get bogged down in it’s - repeated - descriptions of toxic masculinity and middle aged despair. I also found it odd to have spent so much time discussing the statistical tendency for artists/writers/poets to commit suicide, and then, much later, to discuss the same with respect to musicians - of which his brother was one - almost as an afterthought.

I was thankful, at the end, for his coming back to memories of earlier times with his brother, and recent times with his own daughters. A fitting close.
(3.5)

[Susan Black · Rating 5 out of 5]

One of the most beautifully written books I've read in a long time. From the dust jacket, praise from another writer which articulates my feelings perfectly...

“Don Gillmor offers us far more than a portrait of his lost brother—he invites us to contemplate our own hidden interiors. To the River is a clear-eyed, unsentimental journey to the edge of an oblivion so many of us quietly skirt. Deeply personal, broadly researched and beautifully, beautifully written.” —Daemon Fairless, author of Mad Blood Stirring

And a quote from the book that spoke to me personally ...

"A study shows that suicidal people experience time differently. They fear the future, don't want to examine what may be an unhappy past, and as a result are mired in an endless, grim present. They see time the way the very bored see it : something that moves too slowly, a relentless presence that is oppressive, even sinister."

[Ngaio · Rating 3 out of 5]

As one might expect this is a contemplative and reflective read. Gillmor shifts between anecdotes of his brother and their childhood, and the research surrounding suicide. He offers examples of others who have died by suicide-- both people he knows personally and famous cases-- as he seeks to find some kind of pattern that might shed light on the phenomenon. It's a smoothly written book. By interspersing the drier research with his lyrical musings on his brother, Gillmor prevents the story from becoming either too technical or too sad. Indeed, many of his anecdotes are hilarious (the Irish mother hockey story had me chortling for example). Overall, it feels like a celebration of a life as well as a memorial to a death. 3.5 stars

[Victoria · Rating 5 out of 5]

Although the catalyst for this book may be the heart rendering story of his brother's suicide, it broadens and deepens into a discussion on suicide in middle-age men, suicide in general and the expectations and illusions that come with the Baby Boom generation. He discusses the rates of suicide in the artist community, provides credible sources and evidence to support the arguments This book, deservedly, won high praise with its recognition, but Don Gilmor delivers many insights that are obvious and elegant in their simplicity. "When it comes to memory, everyone is an artist."

[Pam · Rating 4 out of 5]

Don Gillmor has written a compelling memoir about the suicide of his younger brother David.

He reminisces about their childhood in Winnipeg and Calgary, and describes how his brother rebelled against a conventional lifestyle, preferring a life filled with music, bars, women, and drugs.

Gillmor also talks with experts in the field about the enormous growth rate of suicide in white male boomers, and extrapolated this information to make sense of the reasons for his brother’s death.

[Christine · Rating 5 out of 5]

To The River is a beautiful and meaningful tribute to one man, and a thoughtful look at a growing social issue. It is touching, it is informative, and it is powerful.

Full review:http://bit.ly/2TcQNYa

[M.A. · Rating 5 out of 5]

The author succeeded in drawing attention to the experience of the high rate of suicides among the demographic of the white boomer male by examining in depth the suicide of his brother. This was a beautiful read; thought provoking, and heart wrenching.

[Teya Z · Rating 4 out of 5]

Some really wonderful teachings in this one. Very well written. Respectful, probing, and written with love.

Are boomers the suicide generation? The evidence is interesting and gives credence to the statement.

[Mel Williams · Rating 4 out of 5]

To the River is part chronology of what led to the suicide of Gillmor’s brother David and part investigative journalism on the topic. Gillmor’s writing is at times visceral and at other times fact-based, statistical. Perhaps there are no concrete answers left for survivors.

[Andrea · Rating 4 out of 5]

Memoir, biography, and a journalist exploration of suicide in males of the boomer generation. This was heart wrenching, eye opening, and so beautifully written. A painful topic for certain, but absolutely worth the read.

[Karrie Killoway · Rating 4 out of 5]

Tough subject to write about and even more with it being his brother. Very well written enjoyed reading about their childhood antics. Laughed a few times and reminded of some of the things we got into as kids.

[Jason Schreurs · Rating 5 out of 5]

Beautiful. Stunning. Heartbreaking. Hopeful.