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All the Rage: Mothers, Fathers, and the Myth of Equal Partnership

4.16  ·  Rating details ·  1,142 ratings  ·  218 reviews
Picking up where All Joy and No Fun left off, All the Rage sets out to understand why, in an age of so-called equality, full-time working mothers still carry.

The inequity of domestic life is one of the most profound and perplexing conundrums of our time. In an era of seemingly unprecedented feminist activism, enlightenment, and change, data show that one area of gender ine
ebook, 352 pages
Published May 7th 2019 by Harper
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May 28, 2019 rated it it was amazing
This book literally makes me want to get divorced, buy one of those body pillows and a dog, and live alone forever. I also want to punch every man i know in the face, even the good ones, even the ones I really like.
Apr 26, 2019 rated it really liked it
This book will, in fact, fill you with ALL THE RAGE. Darcy Lockman’s nonfiction is the feminist text I didn’t know I needed. She breaks down the ways in which working mothers are drowning in the unshared task of parenting.

It genuinely changed my perspective on planning for motherhood in the future.

So many of us assume that our version of parenting will look different than that of our parents’ generation. We expect that we will have an EQUAL partnership in child rearing. Well, it turns out that p
What a bracing read. The penultimate chapter, titled "Successful Male Resistance," discusses the ways men avoid stepping up to the plate in their marriages. Toward its conclusion, Lockman asks one Joshua Coleman, a clinical psychologist, father, contributing editor of a magazine about parenting, and author of a book called The Lazy Husband: How to Get Men to Do More Parenting and Housework, "what makes it easy for men to be so lazy." Lockman quotes Coleman at length for two substantial paragraph ...more
Dec 10, 2019 rated it it was amazing
Relatives of mine were planning a birthday party for their toddler. The boy's mom had reserved the space, invited the friends, bought the decorations, and prepared the food, all while caring for the child. The boy's dad had ordered the cake.

Evidently, the cake order caused some strain for the dad. Let's call him Grant. Grant complained about it to his mother-in-law.

His mother-in-law said to her daughter, "Poor Grant, he's so stressed!"

Her daughter said, "Poor Grant? Why poor Grant? Because he's
Before I started this book, I was worried that it would fill me with fury and the desire to seek a divorce. It didn't, but it really came off as preaching to the choir (dual-employed couples with child/ren), and I skimmed much of the second half because I just could not take it anymore. There were a lot of citations, including books I've read before, but it was tedious and repetitive.

Author has a bunch of anonymized case studies/interview participants but they're spread out all over the book, so
….women who work outside of the home shoulder 65 percent of child care responsibilities and their male partners 35 per cent. Those percentages have held steady since the year 2000. In the last twenty years, that figure has not budged...

It is the year 2019 and women are still shouldering 65% child care responsibilities. On one hand I am not shocked because women tend to do a lot on the other hand it is sad that this is what is currently happening. I read this book in shock and awe. A lot of the
Jul 21, 2019 rated it really liked it
I feel like this is very important for everyone to read, honestly. This is how stuff worked with my parents and obviously so many other parents. I don’t want it to be me. I think I noticed that men do way wya less and women do so much more and that’s one of the reasons why I wasn’t interested in marriage starting at like, thirteen. It seems so exhausting to be married to a straight cis man unless he’s like 1 out of fifty men in this book who make an active decision to make their marriage and par ...more
Aug 07, 2019 rated it it was amazing
Abandon hope, all ye who enter here.

I mean, not really. But reading books like this (and let me stress, this book is EXCELLENT) brings slamming home the casual sexism of living with (and loving, because why else would you do it?) a man in 20-fucking-19. I'm not a mother, so the childcare stuff isn't even a factor in this for me, and yet I still saw myself in these women. The chapter on HOW men avoid giving up their privilege was absolutely mind-blowing, in its familiarity.

I can't recommend this
Brittani Lenz
May 20, 2019 rated it it was amazing  ·  review of another edition
Accurate title is accurate.
This book is premised on the progressive father with egalitarian values who nevertheless oppresses his wife through strategic incompetence. As such, it’s actually a very practical, useful, empathetic book that every man who plans to become a husband and father should read, but instead will be read by his resentful wife. God bless her and free her.
Jun 06, 2019 rated it it was amazing
Shelves: feminism
if I could excerpt the whole book, I would

A few weeks ago, I was chatting with some friends about existential career questions when the topic of children came up. All of us are childfree 30-somethings, and we threw around many, many thoughts on why have (or not) children. I wish I had read Lockman's book before the conversation since she articulated all of my thoughts--and then some!--so much better than I did.

I couldn't highlight the whole book, but I wanted to remember these passages and thei
Aug 28, 2019 rated it really liked it
This book makes you think HARD about gender inequality as it relates to parenting (and the rest of the world). So many different aspects of the problem are tackled, and I found myself wanting to talk about the book to so many people. She does a great job of illustrating the problem and really spelling out the roots of it. It was scary as a non-parent and at times made me second guess ever wanting to become one at all (as a woman)! But, I think nice to read before kids to really think about the c ...more
Jul 08, 2019 rated it really liked it
All the Rage: Mothers, Fathers, and the Myth of Equal Parenting is one of a couple recent releases about the division of labor within the home and how women married to men are still doing the bulk of housework and childcare—regardless of whether both parents work, whether just the father works, whether just the mother works, etc. So far every book and article I’ve read on this topic has felt worth my time investment, enlightening me as to how sexism can still play out even when couples want to o ...more
Scary stuff. I am so happy that I am raising my child with a woman because I have no time for the bullshit dynamic typical for heterosexual parenting. Like, in what world do you live if you don't have the feeling that you are responsible for your children 24/7? That's what being a parent means.
Not to most heterosexual couples, apparently:

- Parity of childcare tasks is most likely when the mother works full time and the dad is unemployed and at home. PARITY.
- Couples believe that household cho
Jul 05, 2019 rated it really liked it
It will make you angry. She does an excellent job providing detailed research on the current situation of inequality of domestic unpaid labor. If you are a mom under the age of 40, your head will probably get sore from all of the nodding in agreement. You will probably shout "Amen!" more than once. Only four stars because there are no practical steps to improve equality; mostly just a reminder of where we are and keep the conversation going. ...more
Jul 02, 2019 rated it it was amazing  ·  review of another edition
As a Millennial mother of three currently going through a bitter divorce, this book hit all the notes for me. So many of the things I struggled with in my marriage are illustrated here as issues other women are facing in their own relationships. I found a validation for my feelings, a better understanding of why my ex did the things he did (or didn't do), and felt better in the knowledge that I wasn't alone. Also depressed and, yes, rage at the current state of gender inequality in households ac ...more
May 22, 2020 rated it really liked it
This book makes me so happy it’s never been my dream to have children lol.

As the proud aunt of seven nieces and nephews though I was inspired to pick this book up after observing the frustrations of my older sisters with their spouses post-kids and the dreaded “martyr mom” syndrome.

While men are no longer expected to be traditional breadwinners and most people readily endorse a sense of basic egalitarianism, women (even working moms) are still performing the vast majority of household and chil
Jul 06, 2019 rated it really liked it
Before I started reading this book, I was gnashing my teeth in frustration at my husband's utter detachment from scheduling social activities for us as a family or a couple, despite regularly hanging out with his guy friends. Yet I also realized that we have a much more equitable partnership than many parents, and after reading the book, I can identify some concrete reasons why: 1) I am the breadwinner; 2) I travel internationally and he has no additional help while I'm gone; 3) We never fell in ...more
Jul 17, 2019 rated it liked it
Shelves: 2019
(@morganreadsalot on Instagram for more reviews)

This book title is extremely indicative of how you will feel reading this book. True to its title this book examines the myth of equal partnership in parenting, and definitely does so in depth. That’s where it went a little sideways for me. I definitely wanted the in depth examination, but I would have liked to see it balanced out with more first hand accounts, rather than just studies and statistics which made it feel dry.

After all the anger and
Sara (onourshelves)
Sep 16, 2020 rated it it was amazing
Shelves: nonfiction, feminist
I wasn't convinced I wanted to read this book, even though it was on my list, but I am so glad I did. This book is all about the gender dynamics of parenthood, and how women tend to take on more responsibilities in the house after they have children, while men tend to take on less. Genuinely, it was a really enlightening, yet frustrating read. Some of the important points are that
1. Women are not biologically more likely to be a nurturing parent
2. Women and men tend to overestimate the amount of
Rivka Uster
Jun 05, 2019 rated it it was amazing
There is so much to unpack and reflect upon in this book. It definitely allowed me to finally “put my finger on” what and why some of my frustrations exist. I have begun reflecting on my own behavior and how some of it might be implicitly giving my husband a pass in areas that are problematic. I listened to the audiobook book and the narrator was fantastic, though, I think I’ll go back to the physical book itself to take another look at the data.
Charlotte Pearson
Dec 03, 2020 rated it it was amazing
this is a horror novel and has made me question the value of pursuing male partnership entirely ,, I would like to unread this thanks
Okay, have not finished, do not anticipate finishing, willing to be surprised by self. Not much in the mood for "do you like to be mad" genre in isolation, plus the gender inequality fury has seemed less relatable than ever over the past month of my being incapacitated by two broken wrists and my spouse picking up literally everything. All library checkouts are indefinite, tho, so you never know! ...more
I rarely give 5 stars. I recomend this to every parent.
Oct 06, 2019 rated it really liked it
There is a lot to think and get angry about in this book; seeing it all laid out in a few concise chapters is powerful stuff. I hope, but am not at all optimistic, that more dads will get their hands on this and really let it sink in. And I'm also glad it doesn't lay the blame for the problem solely at the feet of dads; the author investigates how U.S. work culture/public policy and women's acceptance of ever higher parenting standards contribute in big ways as well.

I was a little worried that
Aug 18, 2019 rated it it was amazing
This book has helped me to understand myself. Sixty years old, with 30 years of marriage under my belt - I still get so peeved to see a morning cereal bowl in the sink waiting for me to wash it every day. I am now working full-time while my husband has been retired for two years. We've always divided duties and we survived the parenting years - yet that bowl. He has done more around the house since retiring but almost expects a gold star for doing so, or at least acknowledgement. This book has r ...more
May 23, 2019 rated it it was amazing  ·  review of another edition
I would recommend this book to anyone, not just current and prospective parents -- as evidenced by the fact that I, a twenty-four-year-old with no immediate plans of starting a family, got a lot out of it.

Be prepared to be distressed and depressed by the facts that Darcy Lockman lays out so methodically. She writes plainly and compellingly, using the results of sociological and psychological studies, countless interviews with parents, and her own personal experiences to make her points.

I'd be ve
Jun 15, 2019 rated it it was amazing
My husband was one of the equal partners interviewed in this book. Even as part of a couple that pushed unusually successfully against many of the deeply rooted structural problems described in Darcy’s book, I was surprised and enlightened to see some experiences I had interpreted as more individual struggles around housework, career and childcare contextualized and framed as part of the bigger problem of gender inequality.
Oct 18, 2019 rated it really liked it
This should be required reading for all parents, or even all adults. Heck, we need a children’s version!! It’s simultaneously relieving to know that some of what you’ve been feeling isn’t “all in your head”, while also enraging that it is actually reality. Hoping that this new and more full awareness of the systems and culture that create unequal relationships in the home will help us find our way to more equal footing.
Sep 30, 2020 rated it liked it  ·  review of another edition
Shelves: nonfiction
Men don’t do more because the world has made it difficult for them to do so.

I don’t normally write a book and a half for my reviews, but oof this book lit a quiet rage inside of me. I like to think that I’m pretty luck with my husband – he does the dishes and laundry without complaint and he lets me sleep, in on a Saturday morning and takes the lead with our son. HOWEVER, this book highlights SO MANY things that I couldn’t put into words.

Parental consciousness is the awareness of the needs of ch
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Darcy Lockman is a former journalist turned psychologist whose writing has appeared in The New York Times and the Washington Post, among others. She lives with her husband and daughters in Queens.

Articles featuring this book

Last year, Buzzfeed culture writer Anne Helen Petersen struck a chord with her viral article “How Millennials Became the Burnout Generation.”...
110 likes · 17 comments
“Joan Williams at the Center for WorkLife Law said "My strongest advice to young women: Don't just try to find a man who's supportive of women. That's a threshold. But consider, what is his attitude toward himself and ambition? That's what determines your future. If he's ambitious and feels entitled to that ambition, you're going to end up embattled, marginalized, and divorced.” 0 likes
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