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A Dirty Word: How a Sex Writer Reclaimed Her Sexuality
Steph Auteri is a sex writer. In her 15 years as a journalist, she has reviewed sex toys, attended sex parties, researched sexual health, and even participated in "cuddle parties." There's only one small her sex drive is in the gutter.
A beautiful and hilarious mixture of cultural essays and poignant personal stories, A Dirty Word shines a light on what it's like to feel broken, only to realize that there is no right way to be sexual. From her earliest sexual experiences, Auteri felt there must be something wrong with her. As an adult, her career in sex writing was meant to be a type of shock therapy--a way to fix her "sexual dysfunction." But her career, exciting as it was, could not provide a roadmap through her struggles with a low libido, painful sex, fertility problems, negative self-image, marriage woes, and the aftermath of sexual assault.
In A Dirty Word , Auteri boldly exposes her own stumbles and triumphs as she explores topics like consent, body image, sex-negativity, and the seeming impossibility of raising a daughter in a culture that is constantly twisting female sexuality to fit its own needs. In the end, Auteri has found peace through one startling she doesn't need to be "fixed" after all.
A beautiful and hilarious mixture of cultural essays and poignant personal stories, A Dirty Word shines a light on what it's like to feel broken, only to realize that there is no right way to be sexual. From her earliest sexual experiences, Auteri felt there must be something wrong with her. As an adult, her career in sex writing was meant to be a type of shock therapy--a way to fix her "sexual dysfunction." But her career, exciting as it was, could not provide a roadmap through her struggles with a low libido, painful sex, fertility problems, negative self-image, marriage woes, and the aftermath of sexual assault.
In A Dirty Word , Auteri boldly exposes her own stumbles and triumphs as she explores topics like consent, body image, sex-negativity, and the seeming impossibility of raising a daughter in a culture that is constantly twisting female sexuality to fit its own needs. In the end, Auteri has found peace through one startling she doesn't need to be "fixed" after all.
258 pages, Paperback
First published October 9, 2018
About the author
Steph Auteri
3 books20 followersSteph Auteri is a writer and editor who has written about women's health and sexuality for The Atlantic, the Washington Post, VICE, Pacific Standard, Salon, Undark, and other publications. She lives with her husband, daughter, and three cats in Verona, NJ.
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Displaying 1 - 13 of 13 reviews
July 25, 2018
Steph Auteri has a complicated relationship with sex, as most of us do, but for her it expands across her personal and professional life. When she began writing about sex professionally, her colleagues were unaware that she had limited personal experience with sex, and a lot of lingering trauma from a bad first relationship. This is the story of how she used sex writing and the experiences it provided to empower herself, explore and reclaim her own sexuality, and ultimately fight for a better world for her daughter.
This book is wonderfully honest, sex positive, and unafraid to approach difficult topics. Auteri explores female desire, trauma, consent, and pleasure in a way that is personal and also applicable to many readers. Let's talk more about sex, female sexuality, personal boundaries, and consent! We need more books like this!
This book is wonderfully honest, sex positive, and unafraid to approach difficult topics. Auteri explores female desire, trauma, consent, and pleasure in a way that is personal and also applicable to many readers. Let's talk more about sex, female sexuality, personal boundaries, and consent! We need more books like this!
September 9, 2018
Cross posted from my blog
I reviewed this book which was provided for free by the publisher. However, I do not receive any compensation for reviews. All book reviews are my personal and subjective opinion.
An interesting mix of memoir, sex education, recovery, and self-advocacy, A Dirty Word is a book for the modern female. Written in a very easy-going manner, Steph Auteri's words flow like a conversation with a friend and feels much like a shared piece from a survivor's group. Auteri takes us on a journey from her initial trauma, to how she healed herself, finding renewed purpose along the way. A Dirty Word describes the emotional journey of a survivor coming to terms with their body and discovering their sexual agency.
Auteri describes the struggles of the average female, having found she is not alone on her journey of self-discovery. Very much campaigning for change, Steph calls out the #metoo movement; "yes means yes"; the conditioning of women to be "nice", and of men to be deserving of women's bodies; that men are ignorant of their sexually aggressive actions; and how women are put on trial when they call out a male offender. The very fact that Auteri has to cite her sources when writing on everything from statistics down to her own pain during intercourse is an example of women bearing the burden of proof when speaking out.
The reader is put in the moment with precise descriptions of feelings; I also felt her pain as she mentioned her experiences. For the men, this may be an awakening as they may not realize what women and survivors go through. One of the common themes that Steph comes back to is that "women can't prioritize their own sense of comfort and self agency without forfeiting their safety." As Steph quotes Maragret Atwood, "Men are afraid that women will laugh at them. Women are afraid that men will kill them."
One may want to look up the articles and studies Auteri cites for further reading, however, I feel the more practical information is in the ample appendix provided. As I am also a proponent of self-education the appendix was definitely one of my favorite sections of the book, rife with information on everything from self-pleasure to self-defense. Steph shares her resources that the reader may accompany her on the journey of healing, both of herself and society, so that our daughters may grow up without needing to walk with their keys between their fingers.
You can buy A Dirty Word here .
About the Author
Steph Auteri is a writer and editor who has written about women's health and sexuality for The Atlantic, the Washington Post, VICE, Pacific Standard, Salon, Undark, and other publications. She also volunteers for the Center for Sex Education, the national education division of her local Planned Parenthood. She lives with her husband, daughter, and three cats in Verona, NJ.
I reviewed this book which was provided for free by the publisher. However, I do not receive any compensation for reviews. All book reviews are my personal and subjective opinion.
An interesting mix of memoir, sex education, recovery, and self-advocacy, A Dirty Word is a book for the modern female. Written in a very easy-going manner, Steph Auteri's words flow like a conversation with a friend and feels much like a shared piece from a survivor's group. Auteri takes us on a journey from her initial trauma, to how she healed herself, finding renewed purpose along the way. A Dirty Word describes the emotional journey of a survivor coming to terms with their body and discovering their sexual agency.
Auteri describes the struggles of the average female, having found she is not alone on her journey of self-discovery. Very much campaigning for change, Steph calls out the #metoo movement; "yes means yes"; the conditioning of women to be "nice", and of men to be deserving of women's bodies; that men are ignorant of their sexually aggressive actions; and how women are put on trial when they call out a male offender. The very fact that Auteri has to cite her sources when writing on everything from statistics down to her own pain during intercourse is an example of women bearing the burden of proof when speaking out.
The reader is put in the moment with precise descriptions of feelings; I also felt her pain as she mentioned her experiences. For the men, this may be an awakening as they may not realize what women and survivors go through. One of the common themes that Steph comes back to is that "women can't prioritize their own sense of comfort and self agency without forfeiting their safety." As Steph quotes Maragret Atwood, "Men are afraid that women will laugh at them. Women are afraid that men will kill them."
One may want to look up the articles and studies Auteri cites for further reading, however, I feel the more practical information is in the ample appendix provided. As I am also a proponent of self-education the appendix was definitely one of my favorite sections of the book, rife with information on everything from self-pleasure to self-defense. Steph shares her resources that the reader may accompany her on the journey of healing, both of herself and society, so that our daughters may grow up without needing to walk with their keys between their fingers.
You can buy A Dirty Word here .
About the Author
Steph Auteri is a writer and editor who has written about women's health and sexuality for The Atlantic, the Washington Post, VICE, Pacific Standard, Salon, Undark, and other publications. She also volunteers for the Center for Sex Education, the national education division of her local Planned Parenthood. She lives with her husband, daughter, and three cats in Verona, NJ.
June 20, 2019
I enjoyed this book and definitely could empathize with the author's using writing as a way to understand herself and her past experiences. The essays at times seemed a bit out of order or would mention events from other essays in the novel that made me confused more than I felt that it added cohesiveness. All in all, enjoyable though.
October 19, 2018
More than a decade ago, Steph Auteri began writing about sex as a way to heal her own aversion to it. Now instead of writing to fix herself, she says, she writes to fix her daughter's future. As a mom to a young daughter myself, that’s one of the things I loved most about this book: the kind of awareness that Auteri brings to issues like consent, female health and body image.
In this linked collection of loosely chronological essays, Auteri takes the reader on the journey of her own life after a sexual assault. From bad sex and bad boyfriends to an eventually steady relationship with her husband, we’re given a window into the world of cuddle parties and sex product testing. But this book is so much more than a romp through Carrie Bradshaw’s world. Auteri delves into subjects like PTSD, anxiety and depression. She discusses how we’re sexualized against our will as women. She opens up about infertility. Body hate. Learning how to raise a strong daughter in a threatening world. She asks: Am I normal? Is my pain legitimate?
And, I kept saying, "me too" over and over again.
A Dirty Word is the book I didn’t even know I needed when I first picked it. It’s vulnerable, bold and fun. You definitely need this one on your bookshelf!
In this linked collection of loosely chronological essays, Auteri takes the reader on the journey of her own life after a sexual assault. From bad sex and bad boyfriends to an eventually steady relationship with her husband, we’re given a window into the world of cuddle parties and sex product testing. But this book is so much more than a romp through Carrie Bradshaw’s world. Auteri delves into subjects like PTSD, anxiety and depression. She discusses how we’re sexualized against our will as women. She opens up about infertility. Body hate. Learning how to raise a strong daughter in a threatening world. She asks: Am I normal? Is my pain legitimate?
And, I kept saying, "me too" over and over again.
A Dirty Word is the book I didn’t even know I needed when I first picked it. It’s vulnerable, bold and fun. You definitely need this one on your bookshelf!
November 21, 2019
What drew me to this book was the subtitle: “How a Sex Writer Reclaimed Her Sexuality.” What kept me invested was Auteri’s nothing-held-back voice and compelling journey. In what she describes as a reported memoir, Auteri shows how she went from feeling sexually broken from a disastrous, coercive first relationship, to writing about sex as a form of “shock therapy,” to discovering wholeness and acceptance along with a healthy relationship. In between candid scenes of testing out sex toys for review, laying bare struggles with painful sex, low libido, infertility (and the resulting strains on her relationship), she intersperses truth bombs uncovered in her research on female sexuality and empowerment. Funny and inspiring, this is one Dirty Word you’ll want to hear.
October 10, 2019
The title and cover image of this book implied something more playful and provocative, but the content in this book is really a raw, honest, non-glossy story of struggling with sexuality. The narrator, who is a writer specializing in writing about sex, wrestles with questions about if she is having enough sex, enjoying it enough, why does it hurt... The structure of the book is unusual, sometimes feeling like an essay collection and then more like narrative memoir for a large chunk of the book. This is a vulnerable exploration of the narrator's experiences and the willingness to be real and unvarnished is what made the book work for me.
July 27, 2020
I read DIRTY WORD in an afternoon. I found it well-written and deeply researched. As someone who struggled with sex for many years, I identified strongly with the main character's journey trying to understand why sex doesn't work for her. I think the author does a great job of exposing the ways that women's sexuality is not understood, even by ourselves. I appreciated her brutal honesty here, and her empowerment accepting her body and erotic nature as is. I learned a tremendous amount from this book and I recommend it.
October 8, 2022
I started reading this book to see if it had useful insights about navigating low interest in sex for a client who enjoys memoirs, but I don’t feel like this book was what I was looking for. This reads like the author was trying to process her own trauma, which is valuable for her and probably for other people going through similar trauma but was ultimately not what I was looking for.
January 21, 2019
Interesting but sad.
May 2, 2024
Read like a 1st draft rather than a final - did not flow and was redundant. Didn't care to finish it.
February 14, 2026
the first half was really good, but I felt like the second half meandered a lot.
April 30, 2024
not only a personal memoir but many good insights and analyses re our cultural attitudes and gender roles 're ex
February 2, 2019
A Dirty Word is like a detective novel-the author searches for the fix to her brokenness, only to discover she isn’t broken. Distracted by the “shoulds” in her head (who to be, how to be, what to want-you know the drill), Auteri dissects those misconceptions. When I was done with this astounding book, I felt grateful for her wisdom and insight and peaceful knowing I can stop squabbling with myself now.
Displaying 1 - 13 of 13 reviews