The Sibling Bond

by Stephen P. Bank

Examines the relationship of siblings and presents a theory on how siblings create each other's identities and affect each other's adult lives

Genres: Psychology

363 pages, Hardcover

First published April 1, 1982

Reviews

[Socrate]

Relația dintre frați este cea mai îndelungată, depășind cu un sfert de veac, pentru cei mai mulți dintre noi, legăturile cu părinții noștri. Durează mai mult decât relația cu propriii noștri copii, cu siguranță mai mult decât cea cu partenerul de viață și, cu excepția câtorva norocoși, mai mult decât cea mai lungă prietenie. Când ne-am hotărât inițial să scriem această carte, cu mai bine de cinci-
sprezece ani în urmă, aproape nimeni nu vorbea despre acest subiect și foarte puțini erau cei interesați altfel decât accidental de ideea că există o legătură între frați. Cercetarea noastră a reprezentat un apel de trezire pentru psihologi și psihoterapeuți, ca și pentru cercetătorii universitari care se ocupă de studiul dezvoltării copilului și adultului. Mesajul nostru — că relația cu frații are o putere emoțională distinctă, pătimașă, dureroasă și reconfortantă, care modelează povestea devenirii noastre și că frații nu sunt actori episodici pe scena dezvoltării umane — a fost
auzit mai clar decât ne putusem imagina vreodată. Cu cincisprezece ani în urmă, cuvântul frate era aproape sinonim cu acela de rival. Știm astăzi că în relațiile dintre frați rivalitatea este arareori singurul ingredient; dorul, idolatrizarea, rușinea, tandrețea și sentimentele de datorie se întrețes
adesea cu rivalitatea și cu verii săi emoționali, invidia și gelozia. Un frate poate fi dușmanul cel mai de temut sau cea mai plăcută companie. Acum cincisprezece ani se credea că părinții sunt principalii modelatori ai personalității. Astăzi știm că frații sunt parte a unei istorii mult mai complicate și misterioase despre cum se dezvoltă oamenii.

[Beth Dupre]

I read this book decades ago and thought it was great. Reading it again was difficult. It did not keep my attention at all.

[Carol]

Fascinating reading for anyone whose parents had siblings, who has brothers and sisters themselves, and/or who has more than one child. One instantly recognizes oneself and others (often in a sharply unflattering way). The authors are psychotherapists and focus on decades of case studies of clients for whom sibling relationships have factored strongly in the issues that brought them to therapy. The authors use these case studies to make astute observations about types of sibling relationships and how they evolve through the life span.

Eight patterns of sibling relationships emerge, broadly grouped into three classes: close identification, partial identification, and distant identification. The closest type of relationship, called "twinning," may occur in identical twins or in other sibling pairs with high access to one another, generally close in age, and often with other factors such as parental neglect; siblings in this type of relationship feel that there is no difference between oneself and a sibling. The authors (perhaps reflecting a Western, U.S. bias) find that sibling relationships characterized by "partial identification" are the healthiest, In this type of relationship, siblings feel "alike but different," and address their differences in constructive ways. The most distant type of relationship is "disowned," in which the sibling feels very different from a brother or sister and has no wish to see him or her again. These latter, unfortunate, rifts happen for various reasons and become "frozen" over time until the sibling bond is unlikely to be repaired.

One of the most fascinating passages in the book recapitulates earlier research by the authors on the family of Sigmund Freud, and his favored position in the eyes of his parents as compared to his younger siblings. He was given his own room in a crowded, three-bedroom home, and his less-favored sisters were not permitted to practice piano in another part of the house because the noise "bothered" young Sigmund!

This book reflects decades of clinical experience and is rightly considered a modern classic. That being said, some of its conclusions are anecdotal and require further research; some of the writing reflects rather strongly the background and culture of the authors. For example, this reader is acutely conscious that both authors are male and were reared in an environment in which "working" women were not the norm and women were not the social equals of men. Also, the authors do not "come clean" about their own sibling histories, but one suspects that they were eldest or only sons with favored positions in their families. One of the authors in particular seems harsh in his judgments of "weak," and "neglectful" parents and "failed" siblings.

Despite the above-mentioned shortcomings, this book is a key work in our understanding of the bonds between brothers and sisters, and is highly recommended.