#1 Amazon New Release ─ Transform your relationship with your motherThe best news on the planet is that your mother doesn't have to change in order for you to be happy. In fact, author Karen C.L. Anderson will take it a step further and say, your mother doesn't have to change in order for you to be free, peaceful, contented, and joyful.
You can emotionally separate without Inspired by her own journey, Anderson's Difficult Mothers, Adult A Guide For Separation, Liberation & Inspiration shows women how to emotionally separate from their mothers without guilt and anxiety so they can finally create a life based on their own values, desires, needs, and preferences. Not to mention being able to like and respect themselves during the process.
Learn through the experiences of Through personal stories and experiences, practical tools that can used right away to feel better, and journal prompts, Anderson compassionately leads women who struggle in their relationships with their mothers through a process of self-awareness and understanding. Anderson's work with hundreds of women and her own personal work have resulted in profound growth and transformation. Anderson knows the results are nothing short of miraculous.
Funny and This book is about Anderson discovering and accepting the whole of who she is (separate from her mother), and making her discoveries accessible to women struggling to redefine their challenging relationships with their mothers. Her writing is relatable, real, funny, and compassionate.
What you'll learn inside this
Why mothers and daughters tend to have difficult relationships How to heal and transform your mother "wounds" from sources of pain into sources of creativity and wisdom How to tell your stories in a way that empowers you, rather than making you powerless How to handle the uncomfortable emotions that seem inevitable when it comes to your relationship with your mother The art of creating, articulating, and maintaining impeccable boundaries How to stop "shoulding" when it comes to yourself and your mother How to "re-mother" yourself and acknowledge, honor, and meet your own preferences and needs And much, much more
Karen C.L. Anderson is a master-certified life coach, author, and blogger who makes sure adult daughters know how to create autonomy, resilience, and empowerment in their lives by helping them redefine who they are in relationship to their mothers.
Prior that? She spent seven years as a freelance writer and before that she spent 17 years trying to fit her right-brained self into a left-brained career as a trade magazine journalist in the field of plastics (and if she had a dime for every time someone mentioned that line from The Graduate…).
Karen is married to the love of her life, Tim Anderson (a left-brained engineer), and they live in New London, CT, with their two cats, Bella and Starla. Karen is child-free by choice, has three step kids, and now gets to be Booboo to her stepdaughter’s two children.
This is a horrible book that is NOT trauma-informed or empowering and in fact it retraumatizes victims. The author seriously says that a mother's emotional abuse of her children only becomes abuse when the children internalize it and let it affect them. Umm, no. If a mother physically hits or otherwise physically abuses her child (or anyone else), it doesn't become abuse just because the child "lets" her hit them and internalizes the abuse. Instead, the very act is clearly abusive, whether it's emotional/psychological or physical abuse.
The book is full of lots of excuses for mothers and says they are only emotionally abusing us because they are suffering and hurt. The same excuse would not work (or at least I hope not!) for physical abuse or molestation etc. so it should not be used for emotional abuse either. Once again, the very act is clearly abusive, no matter the intention or reason.
Instead of empowering us to stay away from people who abuse us, the author tells us to just not take it personally when people do that and she cheers herself on for telling her mother "I understand" in response to an emotionally abusive email. This is not the kind of attitude I want my own daughter to have; I want her to stand up for herself and refuse to be around people who treat her badly, and it's a shame that this author chose to write a book advocating such responses to abuse. Luckily, the author says she does not have children. So at least the generational trauma and abuse will stop with her and not be passed down to another poor daughter or son.
The author blames the patriarchy for mothers' abuse of their children even though many children from toxic families have fathers who acted the same way and said the same things or worse as the mothers did, so I wonder what her excuse for them would be (but not enough to read it if she decides to write a book about difficult fathers because it would probably be full of just as much victim-blaming garbage as this one is). And even though many people have loving, supportive mothers who also grew up in the patriarchy but who do not take it upon themselves to emotionally and psychologically abuse their children in order to feel better about themselves and ease their own suffering.
The book is also very simplistic and badly written; sometimes I felt like I know what the author was trying to say but she doesn't write it very well to get the point across. Other times she is very inconsistent and changes what she was just saying, so I was confused about her point altogether. Still other times, she raises a question someone asked her and either doesn't answer it all and instead just skips to stupid journaling exercises and then goes onto the next chapter, or she belittles them for their question and says it's not helpful or not the right question to be asking.
Sometimes I wondered if the author herself is a narcissist because she enjoys making patronizing and offensive comments to the reader and then couching it in terms of tough love. That is NOT what real love or support are and I started really feeling sorry for the author once she said she once told her therapist that her mother wrote her an email that stabbed her in the heart and her therapist was like, well why shouldn't she do that? Clearly even the therapist in this author's life has let her down yet she felt compelled to write a book with the same awful "advice" she got from the therapist.
Oh, and she includes a chapter directed at abusive mothers, as if anything she says could convince them to change and not be abusive, instead of just enraging them more, showing a strange sense of grandiosity. To the extent that she says things that would clearly make them upset, such as, "it's all your fault that your daughter pulled herself away from you," and then following up with, "but I know it came from a place of hurt and suffering."
This is similar to how she talks to the daughters the whole way through the book so it wasn't surprising except that if she really knew anything about these kinds of abusive parents she was writing about and now to, she would know that saying these things wouldn't make them change. So I almost wondered if she was just trying to make the reader mad at her no matter what side of the relationship they were on, almost as some sort of "outrage advertising" or something, to cause drama and gain attention... much like narcissists and other toxic people always do.
The chapters are very short and she raises an issue, doesn't answer it at all, and then gives weird and annoying journal questions like describing what color and texture your anger is. I wondered if she was making fun of the reader and trying to insult us. It was enraging and triggering and sounded very familiar so I am left to think this author picked up a lot of her own abusive mother's traits.
I would recommend staying far away from this book if you are looking for help in this area and instead turn to trauma-informed therapists or books that are written with the perspective of the victim in mind instead of one that seems to enjoy traumatizing victims they are pretending to want to help. A much better book to read is Complex CPTSD: From Surviving to Thriving by Pete Walker. Or Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents.
There were some very interesting parts to this and it helped resolve some issues. Very good journaling exercises and which helped gained insight. Other parts I found irritating. It feels like she is portraying herself as a guru. Perfection in reaction is difficult and she highlights where someone can be abusive towards you and you have the ability to just smile? It gave me a feeling of a twelve step program approach which just got my hackles up. Everyone is different in their growth and what is needed for them may not be what is needed by you. This is her experience, some of it may work and some may not.
I am half way through this book with the conflict of disliking it and wanting to read further to determine whether there are any more helpful "nuggets" of information. As a therapist, I'm slightly annoyed with the way the author generalizes how therapy focuses on the past and has a tendency to focus on parental relationships using the generic example, "tell me about your mother," outside of any context that is relevant to a therapy session.
As a few of the other reviewers have shared, it seems as if the author is putting therapy down to advertise her method of "coaching" as more beneficial. It's wrong to assume one is better than the other. I picked up this book, partially because of my own relationship with my mother, but mostly because a client recommended it and I wanted to join her in session to determine if this is helpful.
It seems like the information shared can be helpful, if I let go of my frustrations. I'm only 50 pages in, so brb...
Edit: After finishing this book, I'm sticking with my original review. I'm glad I read it so I can join my client in session, and it did have a strength based/positive approach to managing dysfunctional relationships, but it was lacking overall.
I love the themes of empowerment, but disliked the comparisons to other forms of help (i.e., therapy).
makes some interesting points and has some good journal prompts to use but mostly focuses on changing your mindset and ‘creating your internal reality’ with positive thinking which is helpful in some cases and useless in others
A bunch of rambling about creating "boundaries" but presented in such a vague way as to be completely unhelpful. Felt an undercurrent of pressure while reading to just suck it up and use your own strength to make the relationship "work" vs finding closure and ending the toxicity for good. And no, I do not want to "mother myself." That is frankly not possible when your childhood and young adult years were virtually razed and destroyed by a narcissistic mother. You can't put the toothpaste back in the tube or put torn petals back onto the destroyed flower. Getting advice on how to shut the door forever is what I wanted advice for, and it's not found here.
A little too woo woo for me. Too many new age assertions & lots of “you create your own reality “ stuff. I’m sorry but children don’t come into this world thinking they are worthless: someone gives them that message.
This book had good tidbits of information which I noted, as well as journal prompts to work through, but her attitude throughout the book was frustrating. She seems to try not to blame the mothers that are manipulative, saying it is on us, as the daughter, to work through this without blame. I struggled through the “it is my (as the reader) fault that I told myself these things”, when that was not in fact what happened and feels very unrealistic.
Disappointing. Many clichés, but lack of clear or workable framework for tackling the problem it claims to address. Cf: Lindsay Gibson’s work on Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents for spot-on analysis and advice on topic.
I give two stars because I want to assume the author had good intentions in mind, but as a social work student who has struggled in the mother/daughter relationship, it just felt inappropriate. You have all the freedom in the world to call yourself a life coach, but to speak down on the therapeutic process while also misinterpreting it AND projecting that onto a vulnerable audience is so disappointing to see. It feels like the author took Internal Family Systems (IFS) therapy and warped it to fit her narrative. Take this book with a bottle of salt if you decide to crack it open, and if you make it all the way through, take the time to find something worth your time.
I have PTSD, I've been diagnosed with it by three different mental health professionals. This book does not understand PTSD. The use of "triggers" is inaccurate, the definition of "trauma" is wrong, and some of the exercises are just plain dangerous.
I think this woman can see into my mind! Honestly the most helpful book I’ve come across in terms of deep emotional healing. The journal prompts alone are amazing. Would recommend to everyone!
Disappointing. Took me ages to plod through as some sections were triggering but I expected to finally hit nuggets of truth or advice, but this book was so full of the “power of positive thinking” that I nearly gave up on it all together. The author seems to have no concept for any type of experience beyond her own.
I read this book to learn how to have better relationships with all people in my life as well as how to be a better person for myself and for others. While I learned some valuable tools that I will attempt to put to practice, I don’t think that this was the right book for me.
This book would be a good starting place if you’re thinking about No Contact. It’s an easy read (paragraphs are only 2 or 3 sentences and the margins are half the book). There’s a lot of useful info within, but it is an author-centered book. So much of it is ‘this is my experience and I’m assuming yours is the same’ and most of that wasn’t applicable to me. I will probably return to this book for quick reminders, and I will do some of the exercises, but I think I’d be better off reading some the books off her included source materials list.
This book was a quick audiobook that reinforced a few things I'm currently trying to work on in therapy. I have a difficult relationship with my mother. I connected with the author because she put so many of her own experiences in the book that I can relate to. I'm hoping that I will be able to use the concepts learned in the book to heal truly.
The feeling I got from this book was a long term journal writing exercise from a life coach. There were some interesting scenarios listed and valuable information here.
It got a bit repetitive in places (literally the same sentences came up again, suggesting poor editing) and in the end I felt like I was finishing it for the sake of finishing it. I also doubt if this kind of self-help book ever really works, as the point of a real-life therapist or coach is that there's an outside influence to keep you on track. However, lots of what she says really is sound.
I have gripes with two things, though. Firstly the banging on about 'therapist bad, coach good' was not only irritating but, for a reader outside of the States, downright misleading. The way she describes the way these roles are different doesn't fit at all with the reality in other cultures.
Secondly, I think she takes the feminist argument/explanation too far. It seems like she's saying that mothers only behave in this way to their daughters, whereas in reality they can and sometimes do do this to their sons as well. Plus some of the difficult parenting behaviour described can come from fathers. I think making it too black and white makes the book less credible, which is a shame.
Was there an editor for this “book” or did Anderson have it go straight through to publication? There are so many errors in this book (missing words, spelling, changing daughters to sons in an example, grammatical). Then we have an author that repeats the same two or three instances of her wretched mother to drive the same point through a hundred something pages. It’s hard to take the “advice” seriously when the author seems to proclaim herself a mother-daughter relationship expert yet doesn’t take an actual stance on what may be best for different women (sure, you can divorce your mom a little or a lot, who cares so long as you’re happy!). Even aside from repeat advice and pre-kindergarten mistakes, there’s little talk and a lot of lists that any self-help or hype friend would give you. Imagine being happy. Imagine being confident. Imagine feeling secure in your relationships. Pure repetitive uselessness. But hey, if you’re looking for something to roll your eyes at, and something to give you fifty journal prompts, this book is for you.
I had MANY problems with this book. And there are probably more eloquent reviews out there, but my issues with this book can be summarised as follows;
1. This book does not say anything. The author rambles on for a page, throws in a journalling idea and moves on. No deep exploration of a topic, no nuanced conversation.
2. Karen attempts to disregard the entire field of clinical psychology, to attempt to make her new-aged coaching legitimate.
3. Karen blames the victims of abuse, for being abused... She actually blames the way "the events are perceived". And continues to state that the act of abuse is not abuse, but the perception of that abuse is abuse. Which is not only wrong, but an incredibly dangerous message.
4. I spend $22 plus shipping on this!
PS. There is a phenomenal review from Anita in the goodreads reviews please take the time to read it because it is absolutely spot on!
This book is a great way to explain to your loved ones why they should never seek the help of the so-called "life coaches" and seek the help of a real professional i.e: a therapist.
The book had a lotttt of victim blaming. The type of blaming with which life coaches built their glory: If I could do it then you should also be able to do it. No honey, it doesn't work that way. There are a lot of women who are seriously traumatized by their abusive mothers and it's just not fair (or logical) to ask them to dissociate from their personality that was built around that maternal abuse. It's not a straw that you can simply draw just because you are an adult now.
I gave it two stars because I liked the journaling suggestions, but besides that the book was on the verge of being harmful to those who are really traumatized.
Written in a very self-help and life coach lingo, which caused me to feel as though I was reading a long blog post. Apart from the slightly cliche and enthusiastic writing style, what Karen said really helped me unclip my story from what my mother does or does not do and take charge of my own life. I saw that I was continuously seeking my mother's approval even while doing things that I loved. I like the idea of having my own back, that I can re-mother myself in the way I've wanted to be cared for by my mom.
Although the writing is not excellent, this book offers powerful tools in navigating your relationship with your mom (or any other figure in your life that has a disproportionate influence over you.)
This book is not only about complicated mother and daughter relationship but also about "guilty" relationship in general. Plenty personal author's examples of various situations and many advices of mental excerses. I really enjoyed parts about reactions to twisted situations and ways to react, analyse and respond to them. I also liked author's respect to one's decision do not communicate with one's mother (instead of trying to talk over it). Parents are people you didn't choose let into your life and I always believed that it is child's right to choose either to stop or cut the relationship with them.
I felt like this book was written by the future me and sent back in time to have Karen write it. This writing was a relief! I realization that my mother issues are not just me - I’m not alone. Others have the same experiences and trauma I had. It also gave me hope that I can develop healthy boundaries even though my mom doesn’t have to participate. Remember, the airy states she isn’t a therapist, and she in no way ever says that therapy should not be a device to help the healing process. What she offers are practical tools, concepts and remothering yourself to get the support you need, even if it’s from yourself.
I found helpful tidbits of information in this book but felt like it was lacking substance. Instead of fewer, more in depth chapters about real life examples, the author stuck more to a text book approach (lots of chapters) - let’s throw every issue at the wall and see if it resonates with someone. Either way, I’m glad I finished it. There’s probably better books for me on the topic out there though.
Very useful guide with examples of how to deal with a difficult Mother. A lot of research was used in this writing. I appreciate the tedious task this had to be. I found this book to be a useful tool, in moving forward in these difficult relationships between both Mother's and Daughters.