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The Opposite of Hate: A Field Guide to Repairing Our Humanity

Sally Kohn (Goodreads Author)

3.90 · Rating details · 926 ratings · 162 reviews

At a moment when we are facing an epidemic of incivility and hate, popular CNN commentator Sally Kohn sets out to discover why we hate and how we can inoculate ourselves.

Divisive political speech, online trolling, and hate crimes are escalating, and in our current political climate so many of us are seething at “the other side.” As a progressive commentator on Fox News an ...more

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Hardcover, 272 pages

Published April 10th 2018 by Algonquin Books

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Apr 12, 2018 Anna rated it did not like it

Shelves: absolutely-not

NO THANKS

https://twitter.com/aminatou/status/9...

https://www.facebook.com/ijeoma.oluo/... ...more

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Feb 20, 2018 Nancy rated it it was amazing

Shelves: netgalley

The Opposite of Hate: A Field Guild to Repairing our Humanity by Sally Kohn was a hard book to read, delving into the roots of hate, and yet I was given hope by stories of recovered haters and the offered toolkit of how to move beyond hate.

I was a freshman in high school in 1967 when my Civics teacher Mr. Warner taught us that there is no such thing as 'race', that we are all one 'race'--the human race. I was a sophomore in college when Dr. Sommers told my anthropology class the story of a commu
The Opposite of Hate: A Field Guild to Repairing our Humanity by Sally Kohn was a hard book to read, delving into the roots of hate, and yet I was given hope by stories of recovered haters and the offered toolkit of how to move beyond hate.

I was a freshman in high school in 1967 when my Civics teacher Mr. Warner taught us that there is no such thing as 'race', that we are all one 'race'--the human race. I was a sophomore in college when Dr. Sommers told my anthropology class the story of a community who believed they were God's Real People and across the hill lived sub-human others. Two stories that succinctly sum up social conflict: are we connected or are we disconnected?

In my late 20s, working in an all black office, I learned that, even raised in a home and school culture that did not teach hate towards perceived 'others', hate is so ingrained in our society that one cannot escape it. To rise above hate one must be on perpetual guard, thoughtful of our unvoiced thoughts and emotions as well as our spoken words and deeds. We all hate. It is a choice every day what we do with this knowledge.

Kohn reflects on her own childhood acts of bullying and her training as a community activist who found hate was a "useful tool in their civic-engagement tool belt." Catching herself in hateful hypocrisy made her reflect on hate--its universality, its manifestations from name calling to hate crimes, and how the dehumanization of 'others' creates a deadly climate.

Kohn sat down and talked to people who held beliefs that were diametrically her opposite, learning their story. We all know how hard this is to do. We cut off Facebook friends and even relatives, and avoid certain gatherings were we may run into people whose opinions we object to--even hate. Kohn shares a technique from Compelling People by Matt Kohut and John Neffinger. Instead of arguing or telling folk they are wrong, follow ABC. Affirm: find a mutual concern; Bridge with an 'and' statement and follow with Convince, in which you present your view. She calls it connection-speech, a friendly and respectful way of communicating.

Several times over the last year I have found myself fumed at something an acquaintance has said. I stated my case and apologized if they felt attacked, saying I feel passionate about the issue. Reading ABC makes me recall a professor, who when a student said something he did not agree with, calmly said, "that could be" or "that is interesting" and then stated his convincing argument. I have been forgetting to affirm.

Each chapter addresses aspects of hate:Why We Hate, How We Hate, Hating Is Belonging, Unconscious Hate, When Hate Becomes Pandemic, Systems of Hate, and The Journey Forward.

The opposite of hate, Kohn contends, is not love or even liking those we don't agree with. It is not giving up one's passionately held ideals. It is connection--treating others with respect as fellow human beings.

I appreciated Kohn's honest confession, how she drew lessons from the people she interviewed, and especially for a blueprint of how to overcome America's most dangerous threat.

I received a free ebook from the publisher through NetGalley in exchange for a fair and unbiased review. ...more

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Apr 12, 2018 Peter Kilkelly rated it did not like it

At least one of the quotes in this book was fabricated, and the relationship with the person quotes was mischaracterized, and the author admitted she did zero fact checking for the book.

If she made up one quote, probably she made up others, I would stay away from this one.

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Feb 04, 2018 Caroline rated it really liked it

I was convinced after just a few pages that I wasn’t going to learn anything new about hate or human behavior. And while some of Kohn’s references weren’t surprising, the more I read, the more I wanted to keep reading. And I found myself thinking more about my own prejudices, and also what I didn’t see as harmful biases - using phrases like pennsyltucky for example. I do believe I played a role in where our country finds itself now. I hold myself accountable even if I am not directly responsible ...more

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Apr 12, 2018 Ashley FL rated it did not like it

Horrifying that this author has admitted to not fact-checking her quotes and, indeed, grossly misquoting people. Just gross.

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May 21, 2019 Ms.pegasus rated it liked it

Recommended to Ms.pegasus by: selection of our local book club

Shelves: neuroscience, nonfiction

A tsunami of liberals “unfriending” Trump supporters followed his 2016 election victory. Sally Kohn's book starts out as an antidote to this virtual ostracism and to escalating levels of virulence. As a television political commentator she was the target of many of these trolls. She launched the novel project of speaking to some of the most egregious ones by phone and was surprised by the connections she was able to forge. Admittedly, her sample size was small, but the experience initiated her e A tsunami of liberals “unfriending” Trump supporters followed his 2016 election victory. Sally Kohn's book starts out as an antidote to this virtual ostracism and to escalating levels of virulence. As a television political commentator she was the target of many of these trolls. She launched the novel project of speaking to some of the most egregious ones by phone and was surprised by the connections she was able to forge. Admittedly, her sample size was small, but the experience initiated her examination of the many facets of hate. She structures her inquiry around psychologist Gordon Allport's “Pyramid of Hate”: stereotyping; bullying and exclusion; institutionalized discrimination; and acts of terrorism and genocide.

As implied by the subtitle, parts of this book lean toward self-help. Because she is appealing to a general audience across the political spectrum, she approaches her subject with a combination of personal anecdote and scientific research. The two approaches did not quite mesh for me. I found the research more compelling, a preference which increased my chagrin at the all too common practice of dumping footnotes at the end of the book without corresponding numbers in the text.

Thought-provoking questions thread their way through Allport's pyramid levels. Why do we hate? How do we hate? Kohn attempts to apply Allport's model to the Rwandan genocide, which, she points out, did not simply erupt out of nowhere. An abbreviated historical recap traces obscure animosities created by colonial governments. Then, over the course of two decades, President Habyarimana and his wife encouraged anti-Tutsi propaganda and organized a network of localized paramilitary groups to further that agenda. The media was commandeered into a state propaganda machine (documented by Maria Armoundian in her book, KILL THE MESSENGER: THE MEDIA'S ROLE IN THE FATE OF THE WORLD). Three tiers of Allport's pyramid had already been laid down by the time the outbreak erupted.

Kohn relies on the Milgram experiment as well as other research to document the power that group conformity has on individual decision-making. She references a conversation with philosophy professor Elizabeth Minnich who speaks of the arrival at a critical tipping point, the normalization of genocide — the creation of a new social norm. Despite the persuasive research Kohn cites, it is still difficult to imagine in this compressed form how such widespread horror came to be enacted against neighbors, family members, infants and children. Kohn's neutral tone also fails to capture how easily and perhaps even inevitably an entire population becomes complicit in normalizing evil. (see this powerful interview with Minnich for contrast: https://www.humansandnature.org/banal... )

In her concluding chapter Kohn writes: “We have a crisis of hate in the United States and around the world, and we can't begin to address it if we don't first learn to see it — making the invisible visible — uncovering the inadvertent, implicit, deliberate, and conscious forms of hate all around us and in ourselves.” (p.227) She goes on to cite the writer Anand Giridharadas in a passage about the need for “self-implicating” in order to effect institutional change. However, Giridharada's speech is actually much more incendiary. He is speaking not just to the ordinary public, but specifically to the capitalist elite, and the critique he is advancing is the theme of his recent book, WINNERS TAKE ALL; THE ELITE CHARADE OF CHANGING THE WORLD. Whereas Kohn is addressing her message to ordinary people, Giridharada is calling out the kind of people that attend Davos. Giridharada supplies a telling anecdote to illustrate one of three illusions: “that you can change the world one starfish at a time.” (https://medium.com/@AnandWrites/why-r... )

Giridharada's powerful declaration is an important departure from Kohn's prescription that we build bridges through civil discourse. It illustrates the major disconnect Kohn's examination of hate encounters. Can self-awareness alone prevent our being manipulated by those who employ hate as a tool?

One of Kohn's most interesting passages occurs at the outset of her book. She discusses the psychological concept of attributive errors. However, she prematurely jumps to an application of the concept that seems similar to an example of the double standard (rationalizing our own motives versus being judgmental about someone else's). Actually, the concept distinguishes between ascribing actions to a core personality trait (being arrogant, selfish, or malign) vs. ascribing actions to external circumstance (getting fired, becoming ill). Kohn introduces the concept in the context of reacting to trolls, and it serves as a reminder to refrain from branding people as racists, traitors, etc. from the outset. However, simply understanding the concept fails to establish any guideline for when it is applicable. Obviously, some people really are arrogant, selfish or malign; and people really do need to take responsibility for their hurtful acts. Moreover, it fails to be a useful tool in analyzing the dynamic that drives societies to the top of the hate pyramid.

Kohn's book has the virtue of being both succinct and ambitious. However, I can't help but think that the subject is explored with greater conviction through fiction. Is there a better examination of bullying than Margaret Atwood's CAT'S EYE? Is there a more ironic narrative about Mexican stereotyping than T.C. Boyle's TORTILLA CURTAIN? Kohn has written an interesting book and worked hard at researching her subject and adopting an unbiased tone. However, I suspect that she will be preaching to the choir, and the book will have little impact on our political discourse.

NOTES:
I searched for a review of this book from a conservative viewpoint. This was the only one I could find:
https://thefederalist.com/2018/05/18/... ...more

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Apr 16, 2018 Gabrielle rated it did not like it

Civility should start with fact-checking your sources to make sure that they corroborate your quotes, particularly if you attribute something incendiary to them that could perpetuate racist stereotypes about black women in a book about "repairing our humanity": https://jezebel.com/the-opposite-of-r.... Not to mention the degree to which this makes her source a potential target of online abuse and possibly much more.

White authors with large platforms have a professional ethical responsibility to ...more

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May 01, 2018 Christine rated it it was ok

Shelves: first-reads

I received a copy of this book for free from Goodreads Giveaways.

I was so hype for this book. I wanted to love this book. It had everything I thought would be great. AND THEN I saw the way that Kohn had treated Aminatou Sow and it all fell apart. I was about two chapters in when that broke and then it was just impossible for me to feel the same way about this book. To write a book with the central conceit that "connection will save us" and then to not have connected with people quoted in the boo ...more

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Apr 14, 2018 Al rated it did not like it

Shelves: not-today-satan

Quotes are fabricated or used without consent. No standard of fact checking. Next!

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Mar 29, 2018 Hannah Higgins rated it it was amazing

Wonderful book. Kohn made me think twice about my own biases and the way I treat and approach others, even if most of this thinking is somewhat unconscious. She utilizes scientific studies, current events, humor, and her own life experience to shine a light on so many issues we turn a blind eye to. In Trump's America, I struggle to not hate the haters. Kohn, however, encourages us all to not fight hate with hate, to be conscious of when our biases present themselves, and admit our failures becau ...more

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May 24, 2018 Katie Peach rated it really liked it

Shelves: giveaways, books-i-own

I was really excited to read this book after winning it in a Goodreads Giveaway, but then found out that Sally Kohn misquoted Aminatou Sow. I was really frustrated with that, but decided to read it anyway. While I was still frustrated with Kohn's misquote, I did enjoy the book. I really like the chapter on the Israel/Palestine conflict and the overall message that we should confront hate in our lives. ...more

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Jun 21, 2018 Emily rated it liked it

"The bad news is: we all hate. All of us. That includes me--and I'm afraid it also includes you. I promise that although this is a book about hate, it will end on an uplifting and positive note. But we first have to face the hard truth. In different ways and to different degrees, consciously or unconsciously, all of us, in one way or another, sometimes treat other individuals and entire groups of human beings as though they are fundamentally less deserving than we are." (5)

****

"Attribution error ...more

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Jun 25, 2018 Stephen rated it really liked it

Shelves: thought-and-philosophy

This book is a thoughtful and sometimes provocative look at the subject of hate with some strong tactics on how to combat it. I feel that this is a compelling work well worth the read, but it is not without its problems. I guess a couple of people have issues with how she portrayed their actions and their work in the book. That's a shame, and I've deducted a star for that issue, but those sections are brief, and the bulk of the book is quite solid. ...more

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Apr 29, 2018 Megan rated it did not like it

1.5 stars.

I picked up this book because it relates so closely to the work I do convening people in conversations across deep difference. As a result of that work, I spend a lot of time reading and talking to people about the questions Kohn explores here: How does hate develop? Can we combat it? Should we combat hate? (Or is it an essential tool in the fight against injustice?) Assuming we should, how do we combat it?

Kohn's book provides no new insights, which would be forgivable if she provided ...more

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Jan 03, 2019 Jonathan Maas rated it it was amazing

A Quick Gameplan to Get the Online World Back on Track

Sally Kohn is the flip side of Glenn Beck.

I read Beck's Addicted to Outrage and saw a right-leaning but still somewhat neutral gameplan for us to stop yelling at each other.

Kohn's The Opposite of Hate is a left-leaning but still somewhat neutral gameplan for us to do the same.

She encounters Twitter trolls and then talks to them. Most are normal people, who never thought anyone could hear them. To them Twitter was talking to themselves, an ...more

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Apr 24, 2018 Cat Noe rated it it was ok

Shelves: non-fiction

I wanted to like this, agreed with many of the ideas, but I was both bored and underwhelmed by the execution.

Also... If playing the bully is both the start and end of the story, is this really something to publish?

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Apr 25, 2018 Sandra rated it it was amazing

Sally Kohn's The Opposite of Hate is a well-written, engaging read about the evolutionary and cultural roots of hate and incivility. This quick read is sorted into six main chapters looking at why and how we hate, hate as belonging, unconscious hate, when hate become pandemic, systems of hate, and a concluding section on the journey forward.

This concluding section has a great paragraph...

"The opposite of hate also isn't some mushy middle zone of dispassionate centrism. You can still have stron ...more

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Nov 14, 2018 LynnDee (LynnDee's Library) rated it it was ok

Shelves: audiobooks, non-fiction, social-issues

EDIT: after reading other readers' reviews and the controversy surrounding this book, I am lowering my original rating of 4 stars to 2 stars. I like the idea behind the book, but I can't condone the practice of: misusing other people's words--especially when it can result in abuse for that person, not apologizing to the person for said misuse, and not fact-checking a nonfiction book. As a white woman, I will admit that I fell for the woke white woman trope. I have more work to do in my role as a ...more

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Apr 11, 2018 Maria rated it really liked it

Shelves: sociology-psychology, non-fiction, eye-catching-title, politics, audio-books, contemporary

Kohn like the majority of Americans despaired when Donald Trump was elected after his campaign of hate mongering. She started researching hate, from individuals, groups and nationalities. During her research she interviewed former white nationals, Palestinians, Jews, Hutu and Tutsi Rwandans and many others.

Why I started this book: Title and the need to confront the hate in my life and in my country.

Why I finished it: Short but powerful book. I know that I will need to return to it later, to soa ...more

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Jun 18, 2018 Jennifer Mangler rated it it was ok · review of another edition

Shelves: nonfiction

This one made me think, and that's always a good thing. But I have serious issues with her scholarship after reading about her misquoting Aminatou Sow and her misuse of Ijeoma Oluo's tweets. That's a shame, because unconscious bias is something that we really need to talk about. ...more

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Sep 14, 2018 Salty Swift rated it did not like it

I wish I could throw zero stars at this book....anyone who doesn't check/verify their sources need to be punished to the fullest extent of the law..... other than that, if you're interested in learning how to get rid of your hate issues, turn elsewhere.... ...more

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Nov 03, 2020 Addie rated it it was ok · review of another edition

I find it ironic that I should finish this book on election day; this is not a book of how to love or forgive. This book is purely a push to be a Democrat. She lives her life with claiming a Democrat status as the highest focus of living. I do NOT live my life with a political party at the top - at all! I am not affilliated with any party.

Sally Kohn filled this with so many stories of hate and rarely any detail about how to love or forgive, that it was truly depressing. She added gruesome, horr ...more

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Dec 10, 2018 Laurie rated it liked it

Shelves: 2018, non-fiction

The premise is 5 stars, the execution is decent, but obviously there are big issues to keep ship shape in non-fic and accurate quoting, permission, and attribution are very important. That controversy aside, and knowing that you then have to take all other quotes with a grain of salt, her personal insights were interesting, the science was an excellent inclusion, and the intention and premise of this book are powerful, I only wish there were more and better answers.

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Apr 21, 2018 Wendy rated it it was amazing

This review has been hidden because it contains spoilers. To view it, click here.

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Jul 04, 2019 Alice rated it liked it

Shelves: fiction, non-fiction

Interesting but incredibly heavy read that I probably shouldn’t have read at the time that I did. It’s an interesting look at why people hate and what we can do about it. Minus points for the author not censoring the n-word on multiple occasions when quoting other people because there really is no excuse for that and was quite jarring to listen to, especially in a book dedicated to fighting hate.

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Feb 10, 2020 Taira Meadowcroft rated it really liked it

I listened to this on audiobook.

I had issue with the writing style at parts and wanted less memoir and more research. Still a good and quick read to help us understand that we are all capable of hate and how to combat that hate.

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Jan 11, 2019 Kathryn rated it liked it

3.5 stars. Loved the premise but lots of research to read through

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May 05, 2018 Susan rated it really liked it

Shelves: nonfiction, fiction

I found this exploration of “otherizing” and dehumanizing people to be extremely relevant, interesting and painful. It addresses something I’m striving to cease doing. I read some other reviews before posting this, and was made aware of some controversy regarding attribution of quotes Kohn uses. That is of concern, but I haven’t fully absorbed it. She did reference the Milgram “giving shocks to other people” when told to, experiment. There’s a great 2015 article in The Atlantic taking a second l ...more

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May 17, 2018 Scottie rated it it was amazing

I would like everyone - literally, everyone - to read this. Thank you for this book, Sally Kohn.

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Apr 16, 2018 Tara rated it it was amazing

This is a well thought out, intelligent look at hate and how it manifests. Sally Khon has done some great research into the different ways hate can manifest from internet trolls to terrorism to systemic racism. She challenges us to look at our own hate and recognize it so that we can confront it in ourselves and connect with those around us. The opposite of hate isn’t love but connection.

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Is anyone else aware of misquoting/misrepresentation of sources within this book?	1	14	Apr 12, 2018 11:36AM

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About Sally Kohn

Sally Kohn

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Sally Kohn is one of the leading progressive voices in America. She is currently a CNN political commentator and a columnist for The Daily Beast. Kohn was previously a Fox News contributor, and she has been a frequent guest on MSNBC. Sally is currently working on a book about hate — why there's so much hate in our world today, why it's getting worse, and what we can do to stop it. THE OPPOSITE OF ...more