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We Do: Saying Yes to a Relationship of Depth, True Connection, and Enduring Love
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We Do: Saying Yes to a Relationship of Depth, True Connection, and Enduring Love

4.27  ·  Rating details ·  198 ratings  ·  22 reviews
"If you and your prospective partner adopt the principles and skills I describe here, your relationship will be successful—not just for starters, but for the long run."

An indispensable guide for any couple ready to set the foundation for a loving and lasting union

Committing fully to a loving partnership—a "we"—can be one of the most beautiful and fulfilling experiences y
Paperback, 224 pages
Published December 1st 2018 by Sounds True
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Dec 06, 2018 rated it it was amazing
Stan Tatkin wrote this book to help couples learn how to have healthy, securely functioning relationships. Although it’s primarily intended to help couples prepare for marriage or a similar commitment and prevent problems from occurring later, most of the book would be relevant for anyone in any stage of relationship. He mentions that the same techniques can be used in open or polyamorous relationships, although the focus here is on dyads in committed relationships. The examples include couples ...more
Halley Todd
Jan 08, 2019 rated it liked it
Some helpful advice. Tad repetitive. Decent exercises to do with partner. Just felt at times he was dismissive of out of norm relationships, and also did not always do a good job of citing sources and stats (such as his marriage stat in the beginning).
Ann T
Jan 03, 2019 rated it really liked it
Thank you Stan Tatkin and Netgalley for an ARC of this book.

This book was initially aimed at those entering into marriage or a serious commitment but it is highly beneficial to any romantic relationship that you care for.
The writing style is easy and engaging and I found myself nodding along as I read and having many aha moments. I thank you for this valuable book and ensuring that, no matter what stage or age of your relationship you nurture the WE above all.

Thank you for this ARC in return o
Feb 26, 2021 rated it really liked it
I loved reading and talking through this book with my partner. We took our time and read a few pages a week over the course of a year and had so many great and important conversations. I admit that many parts are a little cheesy, but I highly recommend this book for couples!
Jun 14, 2019 rated it really liked it  ·  review of another edition
Very thorough review of neuroscience & attachment styles and the ways these show up in relationship. Clear guidelines for ways to commit to secure functioning in relationship. Certain chapters could definitely be longer and more detailed and feel like afterthoughts- chapters on deal breakers, money, sex, etc. These could definitely be fleshed out or made into an additional book. There is very little discussion in the book of diversity issues around gender, sexual orientation, race/ethnicity, etc ...more
Oct 05, 2019 rated it it was amazing
if you are looking for a relationship book full of stuff about soulmates or how love is unconditional, look elsewhere, but if you are looking for really practical advice about how to maintain your committed relationship in ways that are logical, down to earth, and smart, check this book out. tatkin openly gives you his framework and values early on and if it doesn’t appeal to you do not waste your time, but i think lots of what he offers is helpful, especially for younger people looking to under ...more
Andy Bigley
Dec 31, 2019 rated it really liked it
If you’ve read Tatkin’s books, I think you’ll enjoy this one as well. He revisits some of his previous work (namely attachment styles) and works them into new material. Some of the book is geared towards couples in the start of their relationships yet all the practical applications can be completed by everyone. If you think you’re too far along and that an exercise doesn’t apply to you, you might want to give pause and reconsider. After all, you’re reading the book to help yourself and your rela ...more
Christina McCarty
Jun 09, 2020 rated it really liked it
A great book to secure functioning, traditionally monogamous relationships. I didn’t agree with absolutely everything, but I plan on having my partner read it and do the exercises together. I think it’s got great advice, even if some of the “issues” the couples deal with are insane haha. Fighting over where to go on vacation? Pissed off over not being given the “right car” as a gift? Who does that? Besides that, it’s pretty solid.
Jul 08, 2020 rated it really liked it
3.5 because some chapters were not so interesting. Some very insightful aspects such as the attachment theories, the way how the brain works in threatening situations, the errors in communication, the biosphere of relationships, and most importantly that a relationship is conditional love. Unconditional love is reserved for kids and animals lol. It shows again that a successful relationship depends on maturity and one’s ability to be egoless.
Jan 03, 2019 rated it it was amazing
A great book for couples in a long term commitment. It contains great relationship information as well as questions to consider and exercises to complete. The intention is that both partners read the book at the same time to ensure they are on the same wavelength about relationships and to have discussions along the way. I highly recommend this book if you and your partner and considering marriage.
Nov 30, 2020 rated it really liked it
Some solid relationship advice centering around the idea that a couple can and must operate from a secure functioning foundation - a bubble of absolute trust and security - in order for the individuals and relationship to thrive. Plenty of practical advice on how to argue, dealing with “thirds”, and how to manage and maintain contact and intimacy on a daily basis.

Useful shorthand is used for attachment styles.
Apr 02, 2021 rated it really liked it
Shelves: to-read-again
A useful guide to review your relationship - whether you're thinking about marriage or not, there is good advice on what behaviour to build and nurtue in a committed relationship. By looking at both the good case studies and the red flags, it also suggests what may be issues. ...more
Ada Andrist
May 01, 2019 rated it it was amazing  ·  review of another edition
Genuine and clear

I chose this book as a clinician and found it to be as compelling to me personally. Although I have been married for 45 years, I am still learning how to love effectively. This book helped me in both areas of !y life.
Jason Polk
Mar 06, 2019 rated it it was amazing
This is a solid book. Designed for couples before they get married. I appreciated some of his newer thoughts on the triad: memory, perception, and emotion. As always great science on the human animal — as he says.
Feb 08, 2019 rated it liked it
3.5 ⭐️
Oct 14, 2019 rated it it was amazing
Getting hitched? Already married? Read this for sure!
Jul 18, 2020 rated it really liked it
Shelves: audiobooks
A great relationship resource. Good exercises to create stronger, intimate bonds...when I'm ready. ...more
Marcela De
Jun 27, 2020 rated it it was amazing
Maravilhoso, para ler e retomar de tempos em tempos
Lubomira Cerna
Dec 19, 2020 rated it it was ok
Nic extra
Mark Johnson
Jul 05, 2019 rated it really liked it  ·  review of another edition
A great relationship tool!

We read this book prior to our wedding. It helped us to become a secure functioning unit. I recommend this book to anyone in a monogamous relationship.
Carrie Palombo
Mar 24, 2019 rated it really liked it
Really connected with a lot of what the author says here. Some really good tips and insight. Made me hopeful for everyone!
Jan 28, 2019 rated it really liked it
I recommend this book over his earlier works for two primary reasons: 1) he acknowledges and incorporates trauma into his analysis of attachment styles, something he ignored or glossed over in his earlier books that I find both deplorable and reprehensible and 2) he drops the gimmicky labels (even apologizes for their potential harm as inducing people to stereotype one another) and sticks more to neuroscience to explain behaviors. Exercises are included to a degree I haven’t seen in his other wo ...more
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Stan Tatkin, PsyD, MFT, is a clinician, teacher, and developer of A Psychobiological Approach to Couple Therapy® (PACT). He has a clinical practice in Calabasas, CA, where he has specialized for the last 15 years in working with couples and individuals who wish to be in relationships. He and his wife, Tracey Boldemann-Tatkin, developed the PACT Institute for the purpose of training other psychothe ...more

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7 likes · 2 comments
“Your personal growth depends on your relationship remaining safe and secure at all times, because if either of you feel the least bit unsafe, untrusting, or insecure, you won’t have the internal resources for personal growth. Instead, your mind and body will be preoccupied by doubt and threat.” 2 likes
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