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352 pages, ebook
First published October 10, 2017
the pain and destruction of betrayal as well as the thrill and self-discovery inherent in transgression […] the duality between the liberating and empowering dimensions of adulterous love and the damage that it can inflict….
quite the contrary, they value it so much that they don't want to tamper with it. They are loath to disturb the stability of their domestic lives with the intemperate energy of eros.
Sitting in a strip club, hiring a hooker, swiping right, or watching porn, guys can take a break from the tightrope of modern masculinity. […] They [i.e. pornstars and other sex workers] put men at the center of the woman's attention, relieved of any pressure to perform and in a position where they can fully receive.
“In a surprising number of these cases, a direct line can be traced from an extramarital adventure back to our most basic human fear—the confrontation with mortality.”I would add a corollary that if the
“Every act of betrayal shares common features, but every experience of betrayal is unique.”Perel has Youtube videos of her most popular talks, and she is particularly good at cutting to the heart of relationships and fingering the sore spots. Most of us can find our own situations well-represented. Her examples of couples in treatment are diverse and distinct, and very interesting. I’d say listening to her is worthwhile even if it has never entered your mind to stray.
Our partners do not belong to us; they are only on loan, with an option to renew—or not. Knowing that we can lose them does not have to undermine commitment; rather, it mandates an active engagement that long-term couples often lose. The realization that our loved ones are forever elusive should jolt us out of complacency, in the most positive sense.