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How We Love: Discover Your Love Style, Enhance Your Marriage
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How We Love: Discover Your Love Style, Enhance Your Marriage

4.35  ·  Rating details ·  1,227 ratings  ·  116 reviews
Did you know the last fight you had with your spouse began long before you even met?

Are you tired of falling into frustrating relational patterns in your marriage? Do you and your spouse fight about the same things again and again?

Relationship experts Milan and Kay Yerkovich explain why the ways you and your spouse relate to each other go back to before yo
Paperback, Expanded Edition, 352 pages
Published July 11th 2017 by Waterbrook Press (first published October 10th 2006)
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This was a fascinating book. I have been listening to the New Life Live radio show for about six months, and Milan Yerkovich is one of the co-hosts on the show. Milan and his wife Kay are both counselors and have presented this information, which is based on attachment theory, in many workshops before writing it down to share with a wider audience.

Although the subtitle references marriage, I think How We Love would be helpful for anyone, as our attachment style affects all of our rel
Beth Peninger
Aug 26, 2013 rated it it was amazing  ·  review of another edition
"When something is broken you cannot repair it unless you understand how it works....Some of us try to fix our marriages without ever taking a look at how they work." And so begins this important, perspective changing, marriage altering - even relationship altering - book. When a friend was describing its premise to me a few weeks ago I was intrigued. How do I love? I'm not sure, if pressed, I could come up with an answer that made sense to anyone including me! And I actually don't know how I lo ...more
John Majors
Feb 22, 2017 rated it it was amazing  ·  review of another edition
Shelves: marriage
Every married couple should read this book. It is incredibly important. They unpack four main love styles that couples tend to fall into, all based on answering the question "How were you comforted as a child?" It's eye opening, yet not surprising, that so much of the patterns we develop and apply to loving our spouse are rooted in what we learned as a child. There's also an accompanying workbook that you should get and work through with your spouse as well. This is a must read. Order it now!
May 26, 2009 rated it really liked it  ·  review of another edition
Shelves: 2010
This book addresses in-depth the five different unhealthy love styles that each person gravitates toward: The Avoider, who likes being alone, doesn't share feelings easily, seems unruffled, and values independence; The Pleaser, who feels anxious around a sad or angry person, and ignores own feelings to focus on another's; The Vacillator, who craves closeness and intimacy but feels angry when another doesn't return the same level of affection, often vacillates between warmth and silence, and expe ...more

I LOVE this book. Perhaps it is because I am a vacillator and my husband is an avoider, but this has been one of the most helpful resources for our marriage--maybe THE most of all. We are still using the workbook materials for reflection and dialogue together. It has helped us understand and work on some of our repeated patterns and difficult problems. It has helped us gain greater compassion for one another. It is helping us grow.
This is not only helpful for married couples, though it is ext
Jan 30, 2010 rated it really liked it  ·  review of another edition
I only read so far as it applied to the single. That was probably 75-80% of the book. Then it got into nitty gritty marriage stuff. But the part I read was revealing. I think I can categorize myself as a vascillator, but more importantly, I've thought back through my life to try to understand where my reactions come from. I also interviewed my mom to get a picture of what I was like growing up. I can see how what I've learned will help me develop healthier relationships in general and hopefully, ...more
Alyssa Mayer
Jan 29, 2019 rated it it was amazing  ·  review of another edition
My (single mid-30s) sister was given this book and told to ignore the title because the content is applicable to people regardless of marital status. She read it and said it changed her life. I bought it but I didn’t read it right away (I’m also single in mid 30s). Understanding healthy/unhealthy attachment styles and patterns doesn’t seem like an issue... until it is. And when it is, you wish you’d taken the time to dig into these things sooner. I wish I’d read this ten years ago. Nowadays, the ...more
Wendy Bunnell
I'm taking a writing class about characters and their personality types, so this was the fourth book we're reading for that class about different personality types and how having characters with such types would play out for conflict and drama in a romance.

This book is written by a married couple who are quite frank about their own emotional wounds from their families of origin and how it impacted their ability to give and receive comfort and love in their marriage until they started
Jeffery Frieden
Feb 15, 2018 rated it really liked it  ·  review of another edition
It does not cover everything, but it is a great book with great insight. It helped me with my "Other Hearts" problem. like the "other minds" problem, where young children can't understand that other people have differing opinions from them (i.e. what do you mean you don't like goldfish crackers? Who doesn't like goldfish crackers?), I had a difficult time understanding that other people, especially my wife, felt things in a different way. This book has been tremendous in getting me to consider o ...more
Jun 20, 2012 rated it really liked it  ·  review of another edition
Though I am not generally a fan of the Christian "self-help" genre, I did find this book very insightful regarding the way our imprints of attachment within our family of origin affect the way we relate to our spouse and our spouse likewise to us. Much misunderstanding could be avoided through the practices they suggest. The book is anecdote heavy (not my favorite), but I see how the examples help you understand their work as counselors with many varied situations/couples, and how the ideas can ...more
Jan 18, 2016 rated it it was amazing  ·  review of another edition
A very insightful and helpful read. Being able to look back and reflect upon my own family memories (and lack thereof) helped me to understand how I react to experiences and relationships, fraternal, familial, and romantic notwithstanding. The emphasis of the examples are romantic examples but the core information being presented by the book can be applicable to other relationships too. There are times where the author's voice switches back and forth between Kay and Milan and it can be a bit of ...more
Caleb Benadum
Feb 02, 2014 rated it really liked it  ·  review of another edition
Although unmarried, this book has a lot to offer in terms of self-awareness of the way in which we love. Worth a read for anyone, whether or not aware of their own tendencies, in order to understand and learn to prioritize other people in their lives. That type of understanding is essential for the Christian, as they are called to live a life where their actions attempt to put others before themselves, and in doing so they must understand how other people think and behave in order to determine w ...more
I heard about this book on the New Life Live radio broadcast. Tim and I started reading it together last night. Boy, it nailed us both! Even after 20+ years of marriage its good to reevaluate and get fresh insights.
Kate Dunn
Mar 24, 2018 rated it it was amazing  ·  review of another edition
Recommended by a cousin, this could be a relationship changing book. Definitely will read it again. Advice, tips, and insight for anyone in a relationship or hoping to be better in their next relationship.
May 26, 2019 rated it liked it  ·  review of another edition
Shelves: 2019, self-help
I was listening to a podcast a few months ago and one of the hosts mentioned in passing that she'd read this book and gotten a lot out of it. Naturally, I put it on my to-read list and hoped I'd find it just as interesting! This is written by a husband and wife duo, describing the various types of personalities people have, the types of attachments they form to others due to these traits, and how knowing this style can lead to better communication.

I'm always fascinated by books describing human
Jessica Alexander
I don't love reading this type of book, but some of the insights were helpful, not just when looking at my own patterns in relationships but also with general compassion for people who are very different than me. I think they lean waaaaay too heavy on the nurture not nature argument, but hey I'm no expert.

This book proposes 5 ways in which couples imperfectly love one another and provides strategies and rationale for improving relationships that are based on looking backward at our u
Sep 15, 2017 rated it really liked it  ·  review of another edition
One of the most insightful books I have ever read. Gave me equal awareness into myself as well as the emotions of others. Helped me understand emotions, why we react the way we do, the things that trigger us, how to communicate our needs, and how to resolve emotional conflicts in a respectful, healthy way.
The first part of this book digs deep to explore our own wounds, not to become a victim or place blame, but so that we can understand our own attachment style. Once we can understand how we le
Alfie Mosse
Sep 23, 2017 rated it really liked it  ·  review of another edition
Shelves: relationship
How we love is basically a book that applies Attachment Theory to marriage relationships. The basic premise is this. Through experience and example we were all taught to connect in certain ways. These ways we connect are called “Love Styles” and since we are all sinners and have some pain and hurt in our past, these imprints have created common “ineffective love styles”. Here is how they define Attachment Theory. “Whatever one’s childhood experience, the resulting imprint of intimacy created a w ...more
Bert van der Vaart
This book will not win a Nobel prize for science. Rather, it is a useful summary--full of granular real examples--of how our growing up as children, and especially the attachment styles we assumed quite early on, influence on a daily basis our most important relationship--namely with our spouse. While there a few annoying elements, notably the authors' constantly referring to "more help in the separately to be purchased manual", I found the book very helpful in demystifying how marriages can get ...more
Whitney- Lifestyle of a Blessed Bookworm
I went into this one thinking I'd find insight on how to strengthen an already strong marriage. Sadly, this one just opened up old wounds and made me feel cold inside. It had great information, but I think it focused way too much energy on the childhood influence of marriage. I agree and understand that where we come from and how we're raised plays a strong role in relationships, but I was hoping for more of a "now approach". I wanted tips on what works, what doesn't and also tips on how we can ...more
Ginae B.
Jul 13, 2017 rated it it was amazing
How We Love leads the reader through a few basic questions and then some basic, sub-questions and the answers to those questions tells so much!

The one thing that we really like about this book, besides the content, it's the fact that even though it was penned by a married couple, they each own what they've written. The last book that we read by a married couple got muddy in some areas, because we did not know who was saying what. It really got in the way of the messages to be conveyed.
Jun 12, 2019 rated it liked it  ·  review of another edition
Shelves: non-fiction
Dear goodness this took a long time to get through. It was recommended to me by a counsellor to understand myself better (and on the basis that I could ignore the marriage parts). It is based on attachment theory and how that creates personality ‘imprints’ and how we then bring these warped imprints into relationship with others and clash. The book is full of stories of the practical out workings of this from the experience of the therapist authors. I found it interesting and maybe if a relation ...more
Jul 27, 2018 rated it it was amazing  ·  review of another edition
This book was recommended to me by a friend who is also a marriage and family therapist. It is excellent in content with a basis on the science of attachment theory and Biblical Christian marriage. It has a superfluous amount of examples for each of the love styles which got a bit tedious at times. However, I finished the book with many practical ways to increase my emotional connection to my husband as well as how to create healthy emotional patterns in our four boys. There are many ideas that ...more
Apr 24, 2019 rated it it was amazing  ·  review of another edition
I read this book on accident--I meant to put it on my "for later" library shelf and ended up putting a hold on it instead. I figured since the book showed up, and a good friend had recommended it highly, I might as well read it. I was not prepared for the profound insights I received about myself, my marriage, and my close friendships through this book. It was like the book took a spotlight and illuminated patterns in these relationships that I sensed existed but never could consciously articula ...more
Lendl Meyer
Jan 31, 2019 rated it it was amazing  ·  review of another edition
Shelves: ld-together
I wish I could give more stars! This was both the most challenging and most helpful marriage book Denise and I have read yet. Its emphasis is on subconscious emotional patterns developed in our upbringing and how they conflict with each other leading to marital hurt and conflict. The book guides the process of understanding, diagnosing, and responding differently to our imprinted emotions so that we can better love and be loved. If you can, get the version with the workbook at the back, and take ...more
Brandon H.
If you're married or hope to be someday, this is a must read!! In this insightful book, Milan and Kay Yerkovich discuss the 5 Love Styles common to people. No, this is not the same as the 5 love languages as taught by Dr Gary Chapman. The 5 styles are:

1. The Pleaser
2. The Vascillator
3. The Avoider
4. The Controller
5. The Victim

Styles 4 and 5 often go together, originating from a chaotic upbringing.

The information in this book opened me up to
Jan 15, 2018 rated it it was amazing  ·  review of another edition
This book was eye-opening and life-changing for me. I highly encourage everyone to read this book as it will help you examine the patterns you learn from childhood to help you cope and relate, get to the root of them, and learn how to do things differently.

So if you have wondered why you are stuck, why you have difficulty with the relationships in your life, or just need to understand why your spouse/significant other struggles with these issues, read this book.

I do encourage you to
Mar 07, 2018 rated it it was amazing  ·  review of another edition
Building on attachment theory, this book is about how we, as adults, process our emotions and how that is highly influenced by our childhood environment and example of parent figures. The Yerkovichs provide numerous examples from both of their professional counseling careers and own marriage. The content is focused on couples and love between them, but the principles can be applied in any relationship. I would recommend this over 5 Love Languages, but they don't really overlap too much that focu ...more
Oct 07, 2019 rated it it was amazing  ·  review of another edition
Life changing!

If you enjoyed learning about the 5 love languages, this is possibly even more important and life changing than that! Possibly even more enlightening than the Myers Briggs or Enneagram personality tests which my husband and I both also enjoy. This is similar but MUCH more enlightening on a deeply personal and tangible level. I can’t wait to get into the WorkBook and also the Parenting edition! A huge and heartfelt thank you to the authors for blessing my marriage with this informa
Jacob Seymour
Oct 22, 2019 rated it it was amazing  ·  review of another edition
Life changer. Enabled me to feel and offer compassion and empathy people the first time in my life. Improved my marriage, too. I have recommended to friends and family. Great book. If approached in the right attitude, will likely solve 8/10 of your most common marital issues, with the remaining 2/10 revolving around issues of non-perspective-based mental health issues or conflicts too ensconced in your relationship to navigate without the assistance of a third party.
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Milan Yerkovich is a weekly talk show host on the New Life Live! radio program. An ordained pastor with a master’s degree in biblical studies, he has been helping couples and families build healthier relationships for more than twenty-five years. Previously a pastoral counselor for The Center for Individual and Family Therapy, Milan now teaches seminars on relationships and intimacy and is cofound ...more
“We are not born knowing how to understand and express what is inside our souls. That kind of knowing ourselves requires contemplation and reflection. We have to learn to notice and be aware of our internal experiences, to search our hearts and find words for what is inside us. Being fully known and understood requires that we say aloud to someone else what is going on within our souls.” 2 likes
“Avoiders have learned to make decisions on their own. As a result, it does not occur to them to include others in the decision-making process. They assess a situation, come to a conclusion, and resolve the problem without ever feeling the need to consult anyone. Those” 1 likes
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