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304 pages, Kindle Edition
First published May 25, 2017
“You underestimate your own power so you don't have to blame yourself for treating other people badly.”
“The acclaim also felt like part of the performance itself, the best part, and the most pure expression of what I was trying to do, which was to make myself into this kind of person: someone worthy of praise, worthy of love.”
“I had the sense that something in my life had ended, my image of myself as a whole or normal person maybe.”
Bobbi, I said. Does my face look shiny?
Bobbi glanced back and scrunched up her eyes to inspect me.
Yeah, a little bit, she said.
I let the air out of my lungs quietly. There wasn’t anything I could do now anyway since I was on the stairs already. I wished I hadn’t asked.
Not in a bad way, she said. You look cute, why?
‘The acclaim also felt like part of the performance itself, the best part, and the most pure expression of what I was trying to do, which was to make myself into this kind of person: someone worthy of praise, worthy of love.’
’I was like an empty cup, which Nick has emptied out, and now I had to look at what has spilled out of me: all my delusional beliefs about my own value and pretensions to being a kind of person I wasn’t. When I was full of these things I couldn’t see them. Now that I was nothing, only an empty glass, I could see everything about myself.’
’I now view some of my “empowering” experiences as violating, exploitative, and manipulative. I noticed that “gray” and “complicated” were words I used to stop questioning whatever had happened, rather than to understand it…and that, again, prioritizes men’s identities over their actions.’