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Dating Radar: Why Your Brain Says Yes to "The One" Who Will Make Your Life Hell
Why do so many of us commit to the wrong person? Most believe that attraction and compatibility are the keys to relationship success when, in reality, these are red flags in 15-20% of the population. Attorney, mediator, and social worker Bill Eddy and relationship expert Megan Hunter use their expertise in high-conflict personalities, divorce, and neuroscience to equip readers to see through the blinding spark of new love and spot potential toxic relationships before it’s too late!
Bill Eddy is an award-winning author and president of High Conflict Institute. Megan Hunter is an author who runs Unhooked Media.
Bill Eddy is an award-winning author and president of High Conflict Institute. Megan Hunter is an author who runs Unhooked Media.
238 pages, Paperback
Published August 22, 2017
22 people are currently reading
136 people want to read
About the author
Bill Eddy
52 books157 followersBill Eddy is a lawyer, therapist, mediator and the President of High Conflict Institute. He developed the "High Conflict Personality" theory (HCP Theory) and has become an international expert on managing disputes involving high conflict personalities and personality disorders. He provides training on this subject to lawyers, judges, mediators, managers, human resource professionals, businesspersons, healthcare administrators, college administrators, homeowners’ association managers, ombudspersons, law enforcement, therapists and others. He has been a speaker and trainer in over 25 states, several provinces in Canada, Australia, France and Sweden.
As an attorney, Bill is a Certified Family Law Specialist in California and the Senior Family Mediator at the National Conflict Resolution Center in San Diego. Prior to becoming an attorney in 1992, he was a Licensed Clinical Social worker with twelve years’ experience providing therapy to children, adults, couples and families in psychiatric hospitals and outpatient clinics. He has taught Negotiation and Mediation at the University of San Diego School of Law for six years and he is on the part-time faculty of the Straus Institute for Dispute Resolution at the Pepperdine University School of Law and the National Judicial College. He is the author of numerous articles and several books, including:
High Conflict People in Legal Disputes
It’s All YOUR Fault! 12 Tips for Managing People Who Blame Others for Everything
SPLITTING: Protecting Yourself While Divorcing Someone with Borderline or Narcissistic Personality Disorder
BIFF: Quick Responses to High Conflict People, Their Personal Attacks, Hostile Email and Social Media Meltdowns
He is also the developer of the “New Ways for Families” method of managing potentially high conflict families in and out of family court. He is currently developing a method for managing potentially high conflict employees titled “New Ways for Work.”
As an attorney, Bill is a Certified Family Law Specialist in California and the Senior Family Mediator at the National Conflict Resolution Center in San Diego. Prior to becoming an attorney in 1992, he was a Licensed Clinical Social worker with twelve years’ experience providing therapy to children, adults, couples and families in psychiatric hospitals and outpatient clinics. He has taught Negotiation and Mediation at the University of San Diego School of Law for six years and he is on the part-time faculty of the Straus Institute for Dispute Resolution at the Pepperdine University School of Law and the National Judicial College. He is the author of numerous articles and several books, including:
High Conflict People in Legal Disputes
It’s All YOUR Fault! 12 Tips for Managing People Who Blame Others for Everything
SPLITTING: Protecting Yourself While Divorcing Someone with Borderline or Narcissistic Personality Disorder
BIFF: Quick Responses to High Conflict People, Their Personal Attacks, Hostile Email and Social Media Meltdowns
He is also the developer of the “New Ways for Families” method of managing potentially high conflict families in and out of family court. He is currently developing a method for managing potentially high conflict employees titled “New Ways for Work.”
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Displaying 1 - 13 of 13 reviews
October 3, 2020
I can see this being very helpful to someone who is recovering from a relationship with someone who wrecked your life and well being. And you haven't spent much time in your life worrying about personality types and psychology.
As someone with a big background in both psychology and crappy relationships, this was painful to read. I skipped big chunks of it. Massive, sweeping over generalizations of various personality disorders and very scary warnings about "shutting it down" from the get-go if you note various behaviours. The problem is, you can find a flavour of any of these character types in almost anyone, including yourself. Fact is, we all have maladaptive coping mechanisms and defensive strategies. Fact is, everyone seems amazing at first and then we get to know them and realize they are not perfect. neither are we.
I found this book to be very repetitive, very blame-based (nothing at all about checking yourself and your own behaviours).
Again I have to say it would be so helpful to someone who just needs some validation about a toxic partner who is feeling blind-sided and lost. Just a word of caution about diagnosing every single ex with a severe personality disorder.
As someone with a big background in both psychology and crappy relationships, this was painful to read. I skipped big chunks of it. Massive, sweeping over generalizations of various personality disorders and very scary warnings about "shutting it down" from the get-go if you note various behaviours. The problem is, you can find a flavour of any of these character types in almost anyone, including yourself. Fact is, we all have maladaptive coping mechanisms and defensive strategies. Fact is, everyone seems amazing at first and then we get to know them and realize they are not perfect. neither are we.
I found this book to be very repetitive, very blame-based (nothing at all about checking yourself and your own behaviours).
Again I have to say it would be so helpful to someone who just needs some validation about a toxic partner who is feeling blind-sided and lost. Just a word of caution about diagnosing every single ex with a severe personality disorder.
October 17, 2018
This was good. Quick read. Definitely helps create space into deeper habit loops and relationship patterns of people without healthy lives. Would recommend to anyone who seems to not be able to find "the right one" or who has been crushed by a partner that they cannot understand.
May 7, 2021
I expected more from this book. Like more concrete advice about dating and how to hone your dating radar. Generally this book speaks about abusing relationships and how to generally see big red flags beforehand. I wish it was more detailed and not just repeating general information. Though might be helpful to people in such abusive relationships.
In general in the book they speak about 4 main types of HCP (high conflict partners):
1 Narcissistic HCP - they have the need looking superior to others (especially their partners). They will put you down so they build themselves up. Their underlying fear is to be seen as inferior or weak.
2 Borderline HCP - preoccupied with the fear of abandonment. They need to feel attached to you all the time. So they cling to you, phone, text all the time. They struggle to feel important.
3 Antisocial, sociopathic HCP - antisocial HCP can be extremely charming, masking the fact they don’t need anyone but themselves - they use people to get what they want. Always scheming but denying it. They fear being dominated and they need to dominate.
4 Histrionic HCP - they can be very dramatic and reactive. They react to minor events as if they are national crisis and blame their partners for their anger or pain. Their underlying fear is being ignored, that they aren’t the center of attention.
5 Paranoia - frequently suspicious of others. They demand to know who you talk to, go to lunch with, imagine you and others are conspiring against them. They demand you to decrease your contacts with the “enemies”. If you have children, they teach them to spy on you.
6 Bipolar disorder - moods can swing from mania (high energy) to depression. They can be charming, depressive, unpredictive with high and lows like rollercoaster.
7 Addictions - substance abuse.
8 Post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD) - overreaction is common. The vulnerability of intimacy with the excessive drive to feel safe can trigger confusion. But the issue isn’t the issue but the PTSD is.
HCPs thrive when they are able to control their fears. They do this by controlling you.
In general in the book they speak about 4 main types of HCP (high conflict partners):
1 Narcissistic HCP - they have the need looking superior to others (especially their partners). They will put you down so they build themselves up. Their underlying fear is to be seen as inferior or weak.
2 Borderline HCP - preoccupied with the fear of abandonment. They need to feel attached to you all the time. So they cling to you, phone, text all the time. They struggle to feel important.
3 Antisocial, sociopathic HCP - antisocial HCP can be extremely charming, masking the fact they don’t need anyone but themselves - they use people to get what they want. Always scheming but denying it. They fear being dominated and they need to dominate.
4 Histrionic HCP - they can be very dramatic and reactive. They react to minor events as if they are national crisis and blame their partners for their anger or pain. Their underlying fear is being ignored, that they aren’t the center of attention.
5 Paranoia - frequently suspicious of others. They demand to know who you talk to, go to lunch with, imagine you and others are conspiring against them. They demand you to decrease your contacts with the “enemies”. If you have children, they teach them to spy on you.
6 Bipolar disorder - moods can swing from mania (high energy) to depression. They can be charming, depressive, unpredictive with high and lows like rollercoaster.
7 Addictions - substance abuse.
8 Post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD) - overreaction is common. The vulnerability of intimacy with the excessive drive to feel safe can trigger confusion. But the issue isn’t the issue but the PTSD is.
HCPs thrive when they are able to control their fears. They do this by controlling you.
October 28, 2023
I think this is helpful if you’re actively in or trying to help someone out of an abusive relationship.
It does seem like the behavior that gets painted as “toxic” encompasses a lot of what I would consider, not necessarily healthy, but reasonable conflict in a relationship. I think that line is really hard to draw clearly.
I think we can all be a little insecure at times, and the authors message seems to be “don’t date anyone ever if they show any of these characteristics“ that stems authentically from having interacted with some of the worst situations that people can end up in.
I think the warnings to date longer before marrying someone are prescient. And I think there is a lot of valuable information in this book that seems rooted in experience, and correlates with my understanding’s of psychopathology. I don’t know that this is a helpful book for like dating better in general unless you consistently seem to attract, as the author calls them, “high conflict people“ but I would say in that case, perhaps therapy would be a higher reward activity
It does seem like the behavior that gets painted as “toxic” encompasses a lot of what I would consider, not necessarily healthy, but reasonable conflict in a relationship. I think that line is really hard to draw clearly.
I think we can all be a little insecure at times, and the authors message seems to be “don’t date anyone ever if they show any of these characteristics“ that stems authentically from having interacted with some of the worst situations that people can end up in.
I think the warnings to date longer before marrying someone are prescient. And I think there is a lot of valuable information in this book that seems rooted in experience, and correlates with my understanding’s of psychopathology. I don’t know that this is a helpful book for like dating better in general unless you consistently seem to attract, as the author calls them, “high conflict people“ but I would say in that case, perhaps therapy would be a higher reward activity
November 27, 2024
tl;dr: if you want to get insight on what makes an abusive relationship, read it, skipping the chapters that propose to distinguish the four types of personality disorders that probably are involved (narcisism, borderline, sociopathy and histrionic).
Well, I'll follow along a couple of other reviews I've read and say that the book is kind of repetitive.
It proposes to distinguish between specially 4 types of personality disorders that lead to high conflitive / abusive relationships. The borders seemed blurred to me, and all the four could be the same.
With that being said, I will still recommend the book, since the main idea is to warn you about some pretty clear signs that you might be getting involved with some trouble. I think it reaches that goal and makes you reflect on why are you choosing to be in that relationship. So, skip the part where they try to get deeper on each personality disorder, and read the more general part. It has a lot of stories and practical tips to deal with high conflictive relationships. Go for it!
Well, I'll follow along a couple of other reviews I've read and say that the book is kind of repetitive.
It proposes to distinguish between specially 4 types of personality disorders that lead to high conflitive / abusive relationships. The borders seemed blurred to me, and all the four could be the same.
With that being said, I will still recommend the book, since the main idea is to warn you about some pretty clear signs that you might be getting involved with some trouble. I think it reaches that goal and makes you reflect on why are you choosing to be in that relationship. So, skip the part where they try to get deeper on each personality disorder, and read the more general part. It has a lot of stories and practical tips to deal with high conflictive relationships. Go for it!
October 24, 2025
I'm far from dating, but like many of Bill's other books, the book is a wealth of information about dealing with high conflict individuals. This book focuses on red HCP flags that are most likely to surface when you first meet someone. These tips can be applied to any type of relationship: work, professional, friendship, family or dating.
The best advice from the book? Some HCPs can change or mitigate their HCP behaviors, but you are better off spotting those issues early and moving on to someone else.
The best advice from the book? Some HCPs can change or mitigate their HCP behaviors, but you are better off spotting those issues early and moving on to someone else.
July 29, 2020
They keep repeating the same ideas over and over in a very annoying way. This book could be easily written into 3 chapters max!
I don't even know why I've read it :\ ... I thought they will discuss the idea of being highly attracted to someone means trouble because of childhood fantasies, but it was about all of these conflict personalities.
It is probably helpful for some people and it does emphasize the idea of keeping your radar working while dating which is tangible advice.
I don't even know why I've read it :\ ... I thought they will discuss the idea of being highly attracted to someone means trouble because of childhood fantasies, but it was about all of these conflict personalities.
It is probably helpful for some people and it does emphasize the idea of keeping your radar working while dating which is tangible advice.
January 1, 2024
Insightful. Leads to much reflection, understanding -- and all that can come from that.
Relevant to far more than "just" dating... provides insight into relationships / friendship / partnerships of many types.
Relevant to far more than "just" dating... provides insight into relationships / friendship / partnerships of many types.
January 21, 2019
Wow
Wish I read this years ago!!! After two broken marriages which I now know to be “HCP’s”.. Here’s to having my radar on!
Wish I read this years ago!!! After two broken marriages which I now know to be “HCP’s”.. Here’s to having my radar on!
June 2, 2019
Keeps repeating the same points for almost 300 pages.
December 21, 2020
Every DV victim needs to read something like this...
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August 30, 2022preaching to the choir?
October 22, 2019
It is a must read book before you slip in a relation with a person who has high conflict personality and literally would destroy or at least spoil your life
Displaying 1 - 13 of 13 reviews