Fighting for Your Marriage: Positive Steps for Preventing Divorce and Preserving Lasting Love

by Howard J. Markman, Scott M. Stanley, Susan L. Blumberg

Conflict in intimate relationships is as normal and essential as love. How you fight and resolve conflicts determines the difference between a sustained healthy and satisfying marriage or endless pain, frustration, and often divorce. At a time when families are falling apart at alarming rates and with enormous social cost, this book provides a research-based program to prevent relationship breakdown. The new audiotape set provides the key to the communication skills of PREPTM.

Genres: Marriage, Relationships, Nonfiction, Self Help, Psychology, Love, Reference

352 pages, Paperback

First published August 1, 1994

Reviews

[Carrie Chaney · Rating 3 out of 5]

Summary: Fighting for Your Marriage is like one stop shopping for techniques to better your relationship. The book is broken down into clearly labeled sections of interest, and every potential problem (and solution) a couple might face is described in great detail. Examples of troublesome (and ideal) conversations are given often, and there are plenty of "talking points" and exercises to help couples integrate this book's advice into their relationship.

Thoughts: As a newly wed, I haven't had the time or misfortune to encounter many of the potential problems highlighted in this book. However, I feel that the introduction is completely justified in saying that this is a great preparation tool for couples who are perfectly happy, or even for singles who are looking to start a serious relationship.

Fighting for Your Marriage gets 6/5 stars for clarity, but it is also sometimes overly repetitive. It does a great job of explaining situations from the (typical) viewpoints of both men and women, and manages to be very "readable." The book sounds like a conversation rather than a lecture.

I received a copy of this book free during an Army couples' retreat, and had originally planned to pass it on after reading, but now I think I might keep in on the shelf. While it soemtimes reads a little on the cliche side, it seems to hold quite a bit of wisdom that might someday come in handy.

I'd especially recommend this to couples in new marriages/relationships that are on the brink of becoming serious. I feel as though this book helped me develop the ability to spot a problem coming, and keep it from spiraling out of control.

It probably deserves four stars for quality, but the repetitive nature of the text was just annoying enough to knock the last star off the chart.

[Andre · Rating 3 out of 5]

When I bought this book my marriage was trending towards what the book would call stuck. I had "what if" questions. I didn't feel I was getting out of it, what I wanted or hoped for. Rather than just throw in the towel let's see what a good book could help me see. I was expecting to read about what my wife was doing wrong and what I could do to encourage her to do right. Well surprise, surprise it wasn't that simple. I certainly noticed her behaviours described, but I also noticed mine, and not in a complementary manner. I came to an understanding of how I was contributing to the situation and how some of her behaviours were a reaction to mine. This doesn't get her off scott free, but certainly did change my outlook. So I immediately started putting in play the suggestions from this book. Not in the sense of "honey we really should do this exercise together" but just doing what I could to on my own. It helped, immediately.

My wife knew I was reading this book, I would read it at bed before going to sleep. She actually asked me if we needed to fight for our marriage. And I said "no not really, but don't you think it's worth fighting for? I'm just trying to get some tips and tricks." And that's what this book gave me. I'm not so angst ridden about my marriage, I can spot events and not let them turn into incidents, when an argument does happen I know how to handle the conflict better. (I challenge, she runs away, so I let her but tell her if I want to discuss it later, it's worked every time so far).

Highly recommended. Why only three stars? I felt by the end that things were repeating. The same tactics applied to different scenarios. If you pick up this book, read the front material to learn the common tactics, then just jump to the chapter relevant to the situation you find yourself in. Not having religious/spiritual challenges? Skip it.

[Little · Rating 4 out of 5]

If you're even thinking that you might possibly need to do something about your marriage, you DO need to do something. This book is as good as any on the market for starting you on that path. Two thirds are dedicated to conflict and other bad things (because one bad event outweighs a whole host of neutral or even good events), and one third is dedicated to being friends, pumping up your enjoyment, and other good things. There are a lot of “real life” examples of somewhat questionable helpfulness, but that’s pretty typical. There are also exercises at the end of every chapter to help you implement the chapter’s suggestions.
The authors are realistic. Yes, the speaker-listener technique feels phony and silly, but it also helps conflict to be productive instead of incendiary, so use it anyway. No, you will not be able to solve all of your disagreements, but understanding each other will make it so that your disagreements don’t tear your marriage apart. Yes, some of your expectations are probably unrealistic. Yes, everyone needs to give a little.
Heck, reading this book can’t possibly make your marriage worse. I say, give it a shot.

[Charity · Rating 4 out of 5]

My spouse and I attended a workshop based on this book more than a decade ago. It was put on by the company where I worked, and while it was kind of awkward to do listening exercises alongside people I was going to see on Monday, the techniques were very helpful to us. Although we've given away the book, we still have the "floor" magnet we got to remind us whose turn it is to talk when we're having a conflict.

Now that I think of it, I suppose I can't speak to how helpful the book would be without the workshop since I experienced the two in tandem. I'll still giving it four stars, though.

[Melanie Domenech Rodríguez · Rating 4 out of 5]

A classic book that retains its relevance over the years. The secret to a good relationship is not much of a secret; make time for each other, make sure you’re having fun, be a team, and practice good interpersonal habits, such as taking responsibility for your actions, showing interest in your partner, and deaingl with issues as they come up while simultaneously containing them so they don’t take over your entire relationship. Don’t do unto your partner what you would not do unto your best friend. In fact, invest in your spouse as your best friend. Markman and colleagues provide ideas for creating structures that will support all of these good habits, such as date night and couple relationship tuneup spaces. This book is a helpful guide both for content and its brevity.

[Sara Hollar · Rating 5 out of 5]

My husband and I read and discussed this book slowly over a year. It is full of information, so digesting it slowly (and together, if possible!) was the most effective way of processing and applying what we learned. Even then, we could read this book again and again and still apply new things. As a couple married for 13 years, there are a lot of "ruts" that we've gotten ourselves in, and this book absolutely gives the ideas for how to overcome marital difficulties. The responsibility now lies with us to actually do it, which is much harder than just reading the book. 😁 But at least now we are pretty clear on what we should be doing!

[Dallin Isom · Rating 3 out of 5]

I had to read this for school. It wasn't that bad, and since I'm getting married this summer, I felt like it was pretty applicable. I've tried some of the techniques from the book, and they are great. The only problem is that it's a pretty dry book at times. It has funny parts, but usually it felt like a chore to read. That said, I'm sure I'll refer back to it in the future.

[Tabatha · Rating 2 out of 5]

It is not a book that ages well, nor does it address marriage issues in a way I found applicable to my life.

[Tiffany Reddick · Rating 3 out of 5]

Good book. I would recommend anyone who's married to take a look. It's really hard to communicate well at times in marriage and this book has helpful guidelines to keep the conflicts in check and working towards understanding and resolution. Not everything applies to us, and parts I can definitely skip over, but that's not so bad, just means I get through it faster. I enjoy many of its valuable lessons. I hope that more people realize the difference between "listening" and what they are "hearing" because of their unspoken filters and expectations, and why it's so important to go at conversation with a method--one of taking turns speaking, listening and paraphrasing--so that these unspoken feelings may come to light in a safe environment. That's something I can work on too. I know I often just "feel" things instead of taking extenuating factors objectively...And even though I reason with myself, my heart doesn't always take to reason like it should, (a.k.a. I am too emotional). Perhaps/hopefully we will employ more of these techniques...Certainly wouldn't hurt! (Even though we took the Prep course, we find ourselves in more reactive positions frequently; I would like to see us sit down practice these techniques more.)

[Don · Rating 5 out of 5]

to love and be loved, safe at home open to intimacy do your part nurture security, we can do better rewind, tend to see what expect, understand and respect vs problem solving, understand vs winner/loser, timeout speaker/listener understand first then choose a right time to solve weekly, plan great things, count on each other as best friend, focus on fun and friendship, shared expectations, aware reasonable sacrificial humble giving together no matter reinforce +changes, no past, confidence, keep investing. love and be loved, avoid escalation be humble, invalidation be positive, negative interpretations what are your expectations, avoid withdrawal keep communicating, discuss concerns then solve, more religion less divorce, more conservative less divorce, when disappointed what did you expect, forgiveness and restore hope, and the two become which one.

[Andrea Norton · Rating 5 out of 5]

Fighting For Your Marriage is a great book for beginners as it lays out common issues and how to fix them. It's great for people who have read these types of books before and are well versed in them. It's also great for people like me who are fascinated by relationship books.

This one isn't going to sugar coat things for you. It is going to tell you the truth, but nicely. You will fight. You will hurt each other. You'll be a big jerk some days, and so will your partner. It isn't going to be rainbows and butterflies all the time - but you absolutely can get through those hard times together.

Each chapter is laid out well with explanations on every point made. There are real couple examples and exercises at the end.

It is obvious to me why this is a best selling book - it truly is helpful. This one isn't a bunch of fluff like a lot of these are.

[Rachel McCready-Flora · Rating 5 out of 5]

My husband and I read through this book when we were engaged. Six years later, we still practice the techniques and refer back to it. We didn't have any big relationship problems before we were married, and I strongly believe we've avoided ugly situations and words as we use "the rules" when having difficult conversations.

I purchase this book for all friends and relatives tying the knot (along with the gift on their registry; I'm not a heartless monster) - if both partners are invested, the techniques taught in this book work!

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Reading again after our 5th anniversary as a refresher. Amazing advice and activities. I still strongly believe that this book helped as build a great foundation for our marriage.

[Michael · Rating 4 out of 5]

Admittedly, I didn't completely finish the book because it became uninteresting compared to the other books on my to-read shelf. BUT, I will say that the parts that I did read hit the nail on the head when describing problems I'm having with my girlfriend and did open my mind quite a bit. It is good to know that our problems are fairly universal, and moreover, there are fairly universal solutions to them.

[Sean Higgins · Rating 4 out of 5]

I think this is a great book for spouses (or those planning to be spouses) and will be recommending it regularly. I was surprised at how much I liked it, especially since it is not built on the Bible. But, many of the principles are biblical (just without verse references), and the suggested methods for dealing with personality and background differences, expectations, and conflict were things I wished I had read about twenty years ago.

[James · Rating 5 out of 5]

Extremely well researched and thought-out approach to how to overcome the pressures and stressors of a marriage in troubled waters. The authors present a battery of useful techniques, tools, and exercises for a couple to utilize to try to help each other and themselves work to make the marriage better and reach for mutual understanding, love, and respect. I would highly recommend this book to anyone who feels lost on the road to happiness with their spouse.

[Jusca · Rating 5 out of 5]

I really liked what this book had to say. It is a good book to read together if you are feeling like you need to revive your marriage. It has some really good advice in it. Dont think this is only for couples where its to late, it is great for couples who are going through some new changes in there life together or who want to start from the begining and make it a part of the learning curve.

[Lauren · Rating 5 out of 5]

I really found this to be a great follow-up to the two books I just read about Boundaries. This book has a lot of very practical information and offers concrete steps with which to work. Written in a manner which is readily understandable, although certainly a good deal of it can be challenging to adapt into one's life.

[John Rossitto · Rating 5 out of 5]

I found this to be a well reasoned means to enhance ones marriage. The logical progression of the Book, throw each topic was laid out thoroughly and the skills offered and the stories made it a practical and wonderful read. For both the newly wed and those married 25 years, there is something to be gained.

[Dolly · Rating 4 out of 5]

This is a practical guide to communication and keeping your marriage healthy and happy. It gets pretty repetitive in parts and some of the dialogues are pretty hokey, but on the whole, there's a lot of good, sound advice and helpful tips for breaking down the barriers to communication.

[Emily · Rating 4 out of 5]

I'm not married so I haven't had a chance to try out some of the things discussed in this book. I will say that it has a lot a really, really great insight to conflict resolution...amongst other things.

[Russ Jarvis · Rating 4 out of 5]

A fine treatment of how to build a lasting marriage. Well-researched. Should appeal to a wide audience. A little long but a great resource for a couple willing to get to work at loving each other well.

[Chad · Rating 3 out of 5]

I would recommend this book as a primer if you are looking for practical ways to improve your marriage. There were many different areas covered, so there wasn't as much depth on any certain area. Again more of an overview for marriage techniques in general.

[Yvette · Rating 4 out of 5]

As a single person, this book was awesome! Although some techniques were redundant, there were great stories and examples of how to use these techniques! I highly recommend this book for everyone: singles, and especially premarital and marital couples!

[Logan · Rating 2 out of 5]

Perhaps this book would have been a much better read if I were to have read it ten years from now when I am - hopefully - married. However, being forced to read it for my sociology course was not good for my opinion of this book.

[Meleah Allard · Rating 5 out of 5]

Probably the best book on marriage I have ever read, and I have read a lot of books on marriage and relationships. While not specifically a Christian book on marriage, the principles still apply. It is an easy conversion if you are a person of faith since it was written by people of faith.

[Erin Ure · Rating 3 out of 5]

This book explores some interesting facets of psychology without ever going into great detail. Some of the communication techniques described seem reasonable, others too cumbersome for reality. Overall, some food for thought.

[Chelsea · Rating 4 out of 5]

out of a sea of books on marriage - this one was actually helpful.

[Amanda · Rating 4 out of 5]

this is one of the best marriage books i've read.. i recommend it to clients all the time and I love it myself.

[Evan · Rating 5 out of 5]

This book actually teaches the reader how to argue constructively with thier spouce. I can't tell you how this book has improved my marriage. It taught me to be a better husband.

[Heather Larson]

I haven't gotten much past the introduction, but so far it sounds do-able and practical.