What do you think?
Rate this book
Be the Person You Want to Find: Relationship and Self-Discovery
This guide to self-discovery through intimate relationships offers a spiritual perspective on healing childhood wounds and destructive patterns that are learned early on and later cause relationship dysfunction in adulthood.
228 pages, Paperback
First published September 1, 1997
27 people are currently reading
973 people want to read
About the author
Cheri Huber
53 books162 followersCheri Huber, author of 20 books, has been a student and teacher of Zen for over 35 years. In 1983, Cheri founded the Mountain View Zen Center, and in 1987 she founded the Zen Monastery Peace Center near Murphys, California. She and the monks at the Monastery conduct workshops and retreats at these centers, other places around the U.S., and internationally.
In 1997, Cheri founded Living Compassion, a nonprofit organization dedicated to peace and service. Living Compassion’s primary work is the Africa Vulnerable Children Project, based in Zambia, where for over a decade they have been working with the people of Kantolomba, beginning the process of turning a slum of 11,000 people into a self-sustaining community.
Cheri also has a weekly Internet based radio show.
In 1997, Cheri founded Living Compassion, a nonprofit organization dedicated to peace and service. Living Compassion’s primary work is the Africa Vulnerable Children Project, based in Zambia, where for over a decade they have been working with the people of Kantolomba, beginning the process of turning a slum of 11,000 people into a self-sustaining community.
Cheri also has a weekly Internet based radio show.
Ratings & Reviews
Friends & Following
Create a free account to discover what your friends think of this book!
Community Reviews
Displaying 1 - 30 of 32 reviews
February 26, 2018
This is the third book I've read by Huber and it's my favorite, so far. Whatever the topic she's writing on, the messaging of her books is usually around the practice of mindfulness and how using that strategy can free a person to make better choices and be closer to who they want to be.
I don't mind the repetition. Sometimes we need to hear or see the same thing over and over, said in different ways, until a concept lands and we just get it.
The overall practice is simple: notice without judgement
It's a revolutionary idea in the age of "fix yourself". This book isn't about "how to change" or "do these steps to a better you." Instead of changing how we are, our behaviors that have been in place since we were kids in order to survive so our inner selves fight like hell not to change them no matter how destructive they are in present day, the idea is to notice that said behavior. Do so with compassion. Just by observing, we can realize the triggers, the functions at play. With some perspective we then can make a different choice in that moment...from moment to moment.
I think it may help to have some background of what "mindfulness" is when approaching this read. If you're unfamiliar, explore the topic. However, this could work as an introduction.
Mindfulness can sound hokey but it actually is a viable way to make things different. It's practical and I see it working in my life when little else has.
Huber's books are written in an odd format, where the font looks like handwriting and there are illustrations throughout. Here's an example from a reviewer's site:
The style, though, makes the read go quickly and feels more conversational than a traditional self-help book. It doesn't mean that the material inside isn't quality.
Ideas that resonated:
*We think there's some other parallel reality where we're making all the right choices and everything works. It's what we compare ourselves to how things SHOULD be and that makes us miserable. That "reality" doesn't exist. THIS is reality so stay present.
*We fear abandonment - Truth is, we abandoned ourselves as children to be and do what someone else wants and to survive and consider ourselves worthy of love. As adults, we keep this conditioning, "if you love someone, you...abandon yourself to do or be what they want". You expect them to do the same for you and neither are happy.
*Happiness can't come from someone else despite all of the romance novels, movies, and songs. Treat yourself...for real. Be kind to yourself and if someone else comes along that loves you, too, that's a by product. *Being kind to yourself is learned through practice over and over again of noticing when you're not being kind...and also looking for opportunities to be kind with self-care.
*Reminders of staying in the moment, living moment to moment (notice body sensations, thoughts, feelings, triggers, etc)...and just a ton of insights that are too many to mention.
Overall, a nice and helpful read. I'll refer back to this one.
I don't mind the repetition. Sometimes we need to hear or see the same thing over and over, said in different ways, until a concept lands and we just get it.
The overall practice is simple: notice without judgement
It's a revolutionary idea in the age of "fix yourself". This book isn't about "how to change" or "do these steps to a better you." Instead of changing how we are, our behaviors that have been in place since we were kids in order to survive so our inner selves fight like hell not to change them no matter how destructive they are in present day, the idea is to notice that said behavior. Do so with compassion. Just by observing, we can realize the triggers, the functions at play. With some perspective we then can make a different choice in that moment...from moment to moment.
I think it may help to have some background of what "mindfulness" is when approaching this read. If you're unfamiliar, explore the topic. However, this could work as an introduction.
Mindfulness can sound hokey but it actually is a viable way to make things different. It's practical and I see it working in my life when little else has.
Huber's books are written in an odd format, where the font looks like handwriting and there are illustrations throughout. Here's an example from a reviewer's site:
The style, though, makes the read go quickly and feels more conversational than a traditional self-help book. It doesn't mean that the material inside isn't quality.Ideas that resonated:
*We think there's some other parallel reality where we're making all the right choices and everything works. It's what we compare ourselves to how things SHOULD be and that makes us miserable. That "reality" doesn't exist. THIS is reality so stay present.
*We fear abandonment - Truth is, we abandoned ourselves as children to be and do what someone else wants and to survive and consider ourselves worthy of love. As adults, we keep this conditioning, "if you love someone, you...abandon yourself to do or be what they want". You expect them to do the same for you and neither are happy.
*Happiness can't come from someone else despite all of the romance novels, movies, and songs. Treat yourself...for real. Be kind to yourself and if someone else comes along that loves you, too, that's a by product. *Being kind to yourself is learned through practice over and over again of noticing when you're not being kind...and also looking for opportunities to be kind with self-care.
*Reminders of staying in the moment, living moment to moment (notice body sensations, thoughts, feelings, triggers, etc)...and just a ton of insights that are too many to mention.
Overall, a nice and helpful read. I'll refer back to this one.
May 8, 2021
Great book that may appear simplistic at first but contains some very important truths. To make the most of it I suggest working through it rather than just reading it. I took lots of notes in the plentiful white space on every page. Really enjoyed how it grounded me: "Don't struggle to change. Struggle strengthens what you're trying to change."
January 13, 2018
I read this for a couples counseling class. Simple, unpretentious and profound. I highly recommend it to anyone seeking to improve self-understanding and relationships.
February 12, 2022
Absolutely lovely book that is deceptively simple until you realise it packs immense life lessons into accessible and straightforward prose and examples. Will be sharing with friends with the caveat that they return my copy back to me.
August 22, 2007
This is a simple, beautiful workbook about self and relationships. It's often funny, yet there are passages from it that have stayed with me over the years... especially stuff about childhood. I recommend to anyone who wants to undersand himself and his responses to external events better.
July 22, 2007
Life changing book for me.
October 23, 2020
I think this is the best book on relationships I've ever read.
It make so much sense, understanding that most of the drama and feeling is all in your head and you ego responding and using techniques learned in childhood to get what you want.
It also makes huge sense that if you can't be happy with yourself then no one else can make you happy, at least not long term.
Pay attention and be aware of your own conditioning.
It make so much sense, understanding that most of the drama and feeling is all in your head and you ego responding and using techniques learned in childhood to get what you want.
It also makes huge sense that if you can't be happy with yourself then no one else can make you happy, at least not long term.
Pay attention and be aware of your own conditioning.
September 23, 2017
Would highly recommend. An amazing way to look at yourself and your way of thinking in relationships. Advocates for self awareness and being at center instead of staying caught in cycles of learned behaviors. Easy and engaging read.
January 2, 2021
Very simple outline on accepting yourself, others, and sitting with your thoughts on why you do what you do and believe what you believe (i.e. conditioning.) It made me feel quite peaceful and I do see reading this several times before the practices can become a bit more automatic.
December 16, 2022
I really enjoyed that book. Definitely made me think over a couple of things.
May 10, 2023
I’d read more of her books, it’s a quick read with great words and thoughts.
January 26, 2024
Reading these little books is like a meditation practice for me lately 💙
April 8, 2025
I found this book to be very helpful.
October 31, 2010
I read this book .I have this book. This book is about loving yourself just the way you are. it gives tools for self forgiveness and acceptance. I think now i actually am the person I want to find !!! I have flaws and things that I definitely could stand a lot of improvement but I am loved, loving , lovable and capable of forgiving myself and others. This book is simply written the font is very unsual for a book. You wil be the Person you want to find whether you are in a relationship or not. that is really special !!!
January 16, 2013
I really loved this book. It was a great book for exactly the right time in my life. It helped me heal from a relationship that had just ended and I started to recognize my own dysfunctional patterns in relationships... things that held me back and weren't honest or fair to either of us. It was a quick, easy read that I found myself going back to time and time again. Definitely worth a read if you're ready for a positive change!
November 3, 2008
Hands down the best book I've ever read! Whether you're in a relationship (good or bad) or like me and still looking for someone, this book will teach you that being in the moment (zen) is the key to attracting the kind of relationship(s) you want. Easy and delightful read; conversational tone; excellent examples anyone can relate to.
February 28, 2010
This casual little book has tons of things to think about. I choose to read it on the suggestion of my daughter. She, my son and I were all reading it at the same time. This is a book you need to purchase, and re-read often. It takes awhile for Huber's perspective on conduct of life to sink in. It is not intuitive but it is worth the time you need to invest in the book to understanding it.
December 11, 2012
It was amazing! I learned that I shouldn't depend on anyone else to make me happy. It's all up to me to be the person I want to find. This book teaches me to take myself out of the conditioning I've learned as a child, and to live as an adult. This book is based on Zen, and I've learned so much! It's life changing for me and I recommend anyone read it...even if you have a significant other!
April 1, 2009
It would have been a better book if I actually had some issues with relationships. (at least, I don't have enough issues that I needed this book.) However, I'm interested to read more of her books-maybe I'll find one that's more applicative to me.
December 29, 2012
This book really made me think. It doesn't offer easy to follow instructions that give a quick fix...but it does prompt you to embark on an ongoing journey of self-awareness and discovery that will lead to much growth and positive change in the long run if you stick with the process.
February 28, 2013
Best book on all kinds of relationships. If you are married, have a girl friend/boy friend/lover, read it. Get a copy for your lover or read it together. It will change your life. Best book by Cheri Huber on relationships.
Want to read
August 19, 2008I'm waiting for this book to come in from Amazon.
September 27, 2008
anyone interested in a better reationship with any other person in your life will appreciate this ...i heart cheri huber
June 27, 2012
What a neat book!! I really enjoyed this book and learned a lot from it.
May 28, 2013
Transformative, life changing! You could spend a life-time integrating this wisdom into your life!
November 13, 2014
Really helpful book. Useful for applying mindfulness techniques to everyday situations and really looking at the psychology of it all. Passed it on to my boss at work XD
September 5, 2015
Everyone should give this book a shot. I think it has the power to improve so many lives.
November 1, 2019
3.5. Started out really strong and then tapered off in a marked way. Regardless, I do really love the main concept and was struck by how Huber reframes common relationship problems in a Zen context.
September 15, 2023
Another insightful, empowering, and motivating book by Cheri Huber!
Displaying 1 - 30 of 32 reviews