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Setting Boundaries with Your Adult Children: Six Steps to Hope and Healing for Struggling Parents
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Setting Boundaries with Your Adult Children: Six Steps to Hope and Healing for Struggling Parents

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4.16  ·  Rating details ·  614 ratings  ·  47 reviews
Writing from firsthand experience, Allison Bottke identifies the lies that kept her, and ultimately her son, in bondage-and how she overcame them. Additional real-life stories from other parents appear throughout the text. A tough-love guide to coping with dysfunctional adult children, Setting Boundaries with Your Adult Children will empower families by offering hope and h ...more
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Published May 24th 2016 by Tantor Audio (first published February 1st 2008)
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Average rating 4.16  · 
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Melanie
Aug 05, 2011 rated it it was amazing  ·  review of another edition
I loved this book. It gave me new tools to use with my adult children. And peace with the decisions I make with them also. Three years after reading this book I still reflect on what I read in her book. Allison used her circumstances and her life choices to show us that as parents it is ok to let our Adult Children go and we can learn how to live our own lives. God is enough! He is capable to change the hearts of our children because he loves them more than we do.
Joe McFadden
Aug 23, 2016 rated it really liked it  ·  review of another edition
Boundaries can be hard to set with anyone. And for those who are followers of Jesus it can also seem “un-Christian”. However setting boundaries in life is important. (See previous boundaries post.) It feels like we’re restricting others. However, when we set boundaries, we also allow the other person to live and grow within their own space. But, if we fail to set boundaries, we let others behave badly and we are prone to resentments. That’s not a recipe for serenity!

How does this work when the b
...more
Shelly
Oct 13, 2018 rated it it was amazing  ·  review of another edition
Well, seeing as how I'm having issues with one of my adult children, I felt this would be a good book to read. It came recommended in a grandparents support group.

Allison teaches the SANITY Program.There are 6 steps to the system:
1. Stop
2. Assemble
3. Nip
4.Implement
5. Trust
6. Yield

This was some incredible information. It touched home and rather than showing how to fix your child, you get a clearer picture on helping yourself. The general theme is let it go and let God.



...more
Hope
Although problems with my adult children are not as severe as the ones mentioned by Allison (drug addiction, prison stints, etc.), I really appreciated her advice and wisdom in helping me to stop coddling my loved ones too much. And to stop my overwhelming guilt when they make wrong choices.

One example of her clear advice: "Keep your heart open and wallet closed."

If you are discouraged, Allison will be your cheerleader. A very, very helpful book.
...more
Angie Pace
Insightful, wise & challenging words on appropriate relationships with our adult children.
Sharon Mangelinkx
Dec 13, 2018 rated it really liked it  ·  review of another edition
This book was harsh. The writer lays a lot of blame on the parents for enabling adult children. There is very little mention of genetics and mental illness, which even her own son clearly had. The writer is a born-again Christian so there was a lot of scripture quoting and advice to rely on God, obviously her way of coping with problems that are way beyond what the average person is capable of handling. I could relate to many of the frightening scenarios/stories she talked about, and there were ...more
Ashley
Nov 06, 2019 rated it it was ok  ·  review of another edition
It’s not that I found this book bad, it just wasn’t what I was needing or expecting based on the sample I read. I had to pick this book up twice to finish it. This book is heavily focused on addiction issues and religious beliefs. I fully believe in Let Go and Let God, and I have faith and beliefs that tie in with some more traditional religious guidelines. This was just heavily heavily focused on topics that were not suited for me. I had a really hard time getting through this one.
Jo Sauers
Oct 30, 2022 rated it it was amazing  ·  review of another edition
This book has truly changed my life. Finally, I have an understanding of why I have repeatedly rescued and enabled my adult child. But more importantly, this book gave me specific action steps to stop the negative and vicious cycle leaving room for love and forgiveness along the way. I no longer feel hopeless and helpless now that I have the knowledge and insight on how to begin taking care of myself and allowing my son to take responsibility for himself. I feel empowered for the first time
Geo Hendrick
Jun 29, 2018 rated it it was amazing  ·  review of another edition
I liked the book it was very informative, practical and had lots of personal stories plus story's from other people. I was thrilled that I did not need this book because I had already set boundaries with my boys and I kept them. It was freeing to know that I had gone through the experience with out any big mistakes. ...more
Frances
Feb 13, 2018 rated it really liked it  ·  review of another edition
This is a book for parents who are overwhelmed with the problems that their adult children have and want their parents to fix. She tells you how to guide your child without allowing them to bankrupt or drag you into their messes.
Anna Stedman
Mar 22, 2022 rated it it was amazing  ·  review of another edition
Excellent help for parents

I SAW how I have been enabling or trying to control things and this book helped me to learn how to let go.
Scripture references and other materials as well. Very well done.
Mollie Stradley
Apr 03, 2022 rated it it was amazing  ·  review of another edition
Wow! Do you know any enabling parents? If so, this is a must read! Not only does the author explain the manipulate/enable cycle well, but she gives the reader step by step actions to end the cycle and become free of your adult children's consequences.

A must read for parents.
...more
Nancy
Aug 30, 2017 rated it it was amazing  ·  review of another edition
This book was written for me. Devoured every page. I highly recommend!
Katrina Coleman
Great content, but overly repetitive.
Charlene
Nov 06, 2018 rated it really liked it  ·  review of another edition
Has some great thoughts for parents in setting boundaries
Chandra Walters
Jan 05, 2019 rated it really liked it  ·  review of another edition
This is an excellent book for anyone needing guidance in a spiritual way in setting boundaries with adult children.
Louann Lozowski
Dec 01, 2019 rated it really liked it  ·  review of another edition
It did not entirely relate to me but over all it was a book worth reading.
Carrie Green
Feb 05, 2020 rated it it was amazing  ·  review of another edition
Fantastic book!
Charlene Tobin
Apr 30, 2020 rated it did not like it  ·  review of another edition
Too much "god" and AA stuff in this book for me! ...more
Lorri Antill
May 29, 2020 rated it it was amazing  ·  review of another edition
Excellent support. You wont be disappointed with this book.
Laura
Nov 12, 2020 rated it it was amazing  ·  review of another edition
Shelves: self-help, parenting
A must read if boundaries are an issue for you. Less biblical than Cloud and Townsend but more so than Whitfield's Boundries in Relationships ...more
Christine Carroll
This is an excellent resource book for parents. I look forward to reading I lay my Isaac Down which is a book referenced numerous times in this book. This book offers hope to all parents.
Michele Linn
Nov 17, 2022 rated it it was amazing  ·  review of another edition
Practical and helpful suggestions!
George
Mar 24, 2018 rated it liked it  ·  review of another edition
Some good points a day ideas, but perhaps a bridge too far for me.
Melissa
2.5 stars. This book was "just okay." Frankly, there was too much God talk for my taste. It would've been nice to have a warning that this is a bible-based take on the subject, and a Republican one at that, the author even quoting her hero Bill O'Reilly. I didn't notice any Christian tags at the time of purchase. Maybe feature that aspect more prominently. Besides, it's disingenuous to suggest lack of boundaries is a secular problem that can be solved by moving closer to God. Boundaries are a pr ...more
Michelle
There are many, many helpful non-fiction books in this world to choose from, but this is one that every parent MUST read. It's incredibly well-written and interesting, and the examples are excellent. Since I've worked with dysfunctional people and families for twenty years as a social worker, I can testify that Allison knows what she is talking about. She's obviously poured her heart and soul into this book in order to help families, and I've not found better advice out there for people who have ...more
Rhonda Rae Baker
Feb 18, 2009 rated it really liked it  ·  review of another edition
This book is a great encouragement for me. I've been working on these same issues for several years now. With five children there are many levels that I totally related to. I'm happy to say that there are only a couple of situations right now that are pressing and I'm standing strong.

There have been many things that happened within my family which changed me and my children...the tools presented in this book are right on!

After reading the introduction by Carol Kent...I've read her two books abo
...more
Jackie
Sep 15, 2016 rated it it was amazing  ·  review of another edition
Shelves: 2016
There is coming a time.
Linda
Aug 22, 2012 rated it it was amazing  ·  review of another edition
This is my second time through this book...lots of good information I needed to hear even though some of it is difficult to do. One of the biggest things I learned is that helping is doing something for a child he cannot do for himself...enabling is doing something the child can do for himself. It reminded me that I need to step away and allow God to work in the lives of my sons.
Kristi Petersen
Jan 12, 2014 rated it really liked it  ·  review of another edition
There are no easy answers but this book gave me hope that I might regain some sanity in my life and enforce boundaries. Even those with young children should read this book because you'll see where not to go wrong to begin with (ex: doing everything for your child out of love, instead of having them being the person responsible for their own actions. This book helped me tremendously. ...more
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47 likes · 26 comments
“For years some of us have focused our attention (and worries) on our adult children. We’ve not only taken on the role of director in the drama of their lives, but the roles of producer, stage manager, dresser, caterer, financier, and scriptwriter as well. We’ve done countless things for them that they are more than capable of doing for themselves.” 0 likes
“This show is over. But a new production is on the horizon! We must replace our enabling behavior with something else. Ending Enabling Behavior From experience I’ve learned four life-saving truths about changing enabling behavior:   We can pray for the power to change ourselves. We can help (not enable) adult children of any age develop wings to fly on their own. We can find comfort in knowing we are not alone” 0 likes
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