My Miserable, Lonely, Lesbian Pregnancy

by Andrea Askowitz

In this memoir of her 40 weeks and five days in hell, Andrea Askowitz takes an unflinching look at her pregnant life from struggling with hormones to poor body image to a self imposed exile from family to take us on a ride through the turbulence of single lesbian motherhood. Along the way we meet her liberal parents as they struggle with their daughter's choices, the lover she longs to reconnect with who goes M.I.A. before the pregnancy, the friends who turn out to be no help at all and strangers who offer up some unlikely kindness. Andrea presents herself real, raw, impossibly cranky yet deeply touching with her self-deprecating dark sense of humor that will make you wince or better yet send you into uncontrollable fits of laughter.

Genres: Memoir, Nonfiction, Parenting, LGBT, Queer, Feminism, Biography Memoir

247 pages, Paperback

First published January 1, 2008

About the author

Andrea Askowitz's first book is coming out in May, 2008 called My Miserable, Lonely, Lesbian Pregnancy. Andrea is also an adjunct professor at FIU, and the producer of Lip Service, a true stories reading series at Books & Books in Miami."

Reviews

[Annabeth Leong]

I couldn't put this book down, but I'm not sure if that means I liked it. Memoirists are often accused of being whiny, and I often find that accusation unfair. In this case, however, the author comes off as so unashamedly self-absorbed that I kept reading in part to understand what her friends see in her. I get the sense that the book is composed of journal entries edited for clarity but not social acceptability. The entire book has the tone of "things most people know better than to say out loud." Though it seems that to some degree, the author's personality is generally unfiltered, I did think this was an especially ugly view of her. There is something honest, brave, and compelling about this. I have been thinking recently about the tyranny of "likeability" in books—does every person actually need to be so likeable? Why is it not okay to read and write about people who aren't? On the other hand, I suspect the author may have given herself short shrift. She enjoys multiple loyal, devoted, lifelong friendships with appealing people. I assume she must contribute to these relationships more than the book reveals or they would not be so healthy and robust. As I read, I wondered if this was a sort of flip side of honesty—where most people present their most likeable self, perhaps the author did the opposite?

I confess that I bought the book because I was interested in the title. However, as I read it, I wasn't sure how I felt about the title. I think it suggests that being "lesbian" is part of what made her pregnancy "miserable" and "lonely," whereas that doesn't seem to me to be the case. In general, the author talks in a very offputting way about various people and social groups. This is an excellent example of how being part of one or more marginalized groups does not render one immune from giving offense to others. In particular, I cringed at insults to butch lesbians, inner city kids, and an alarming amount of fat hatred. (The author goes on at length about her "hideous fat-girl underwear" while pregnant with no empathy or awareness of the underlying body image or social justice issues. I also found it very ironic when she revealed that the "huge" bra she had to wear was a 38C. I'm sure I have my own biases, but besides thinking that it would be great to be more thoughtful about body image and fat hatred etc. regardless of the actual sizes in question, I also wouldn't call 38C fat.)

I got caught up in the mystery of the picture presented, no matter how offputting the author seemed to be. For example, she starts a nonprofit for seemingly frivolous and selfish reasons, then devotes herself to it for five years, then leaves it abruptly. As a person very interested in how other people think, I was pretty fascinated, even if I never quite understood. Then there is the matter of the pregnancy. She goes forward with it despite being alone, then struggles through the entire pregnancy with being lonely. This strikes me as the sort of true and unfortunate thing that is endemic to human nature.

People have called the book funny. My interior voice doesn't work well with its type of humor, if there is humor. I could not help taking the author seriously and, as a result, cringing frequently.

So what is so compelling? The author writes in a lively, vivid tone. She is not boring. I often did not like her, but I always wanted to know what she would say next. I spent a lot of time asking myself what it would be like to live with the sort of freedom and entitlement that she seems to feel. I wondered how I would react to her if she was a man (could that "bitchy" tone seem different in a man's voice?).

Also, I have no children and am interested in people's descriptions and experiences of pregnancy. I appreciated that this one was unfiltered. Like many pregnancy narratives, there is an abrupt change once the baby is born. I am mystified by this. Suddenly, the author sounded like a different, better person. People say pregnancy does this to people, but I don't understand it. There was a bit more self-awareness at the end of the book, but not as much as I would hope.

I'm not sorry I read this book. I feel as if I got a voyeuristic view particularly because the author made so little effort to get me to like her. I often wonder if this sort of shamelessness is a requirement when writing a memoir. This book gave me plenty to think about. I wondered how I would come off if I could write as honestly, but I also wondered if this was negativity masquerading as honesty.

[Catherine · Rating 2 out of 5]

Andrea is quite possibly the most irritating woman alive. I have never, ever born witness to someone more self-obsessed.

I picked up the book because I was intrigued by the notion of it and thought she could provide a unique take on the topic of pregnancy. I was so wrong. This was another "I have made the decision to become pregnant -- please bend over backward to benefit me!"

She spends about 65% of her time moping about how she is pregnant and alone. Now, I do not deny that it would be very hard to go it alone...but it's not like she got pregnant and then got dumped -- she was single when she became pregnant (and, obviously, it was not a surprise pregnancy). And she can't quite seem to grasp why her friends are not willing to act as her partner and gets upset when they don't look through the piles of pregnancy photos that she sends them right away. What is wrong with her?

That said, the memoir itself was okay. It was, for the most part, well-written. There were even some lovely moments -- when I didn't want to throw something at her. Toward the end, she became less self-involved (probably because she had a baby) and realized how terrible she had been acting, not just in her pregnancy but throughout her whole life.

[Amy · Rating 1 out of 5]

This book was SO BAD I actually threw it into the fire after about two chapters, which was all I could take of a character who was supposed to be SO OLD her eggs were in jeopardy of expiring but who still talks about high school every other paragraph.

[Sonya Feher · Rating 2 out of 5]

The title warned me that Askowitz is miserable and lonely, but I also found her unlikeable. Maybe because I was implicated in myriad of things and people she criticizes in the book, maybe because there's so little redeeming about her experience, the journal format doesn't go deep enough for me to feel like I really know or care about any of the characters, and it's exhausting to listen to this much whining. It's not that I expect everyone to love being pregnant but I want to be able to sympathize with the misery and loneliness versus feeling like they're a gimmick to sell a book.

[GateGypsy · Rating 4 out of 5]

I was glad to get the chance to read this book before I was knee-deep in pregnancy, as I saw in it the possibility to glimpse what pregnancy will be like. I was surprised, to be honest, at how different even the cursory-glance she gives the reader was from my own experience so far. I was a little concerned by some of the warnings (especially her discussion of the perineum), but I guess that was an important part of the story, in her experience.
The majority of this memoir is really her journey through pregnancy: her emotional state before, during, and after. How she deals with her drastically altering life and her emotions and her family and her friends through it all. I was grateful for her honesty and frankness, because, even if her experience does not mirror mine, reading about it will help someone. A friend of mine who read this book said Andrea was easy to relate to. I would tend to agree. I did not feel alienated from her, even though she and I don't have all that much in common, after all. I liked her well enough to enjoy reading through her journey.
I think a person would not need to be pregnant to enjoy this book. There are plenty of points of entry based on interest (other keywords: lesbian, jewish, californian.) Of course, it probably helps that the reader have some vested interest in pregnancy :-)

I finished reading this book today. (Considering I started out this morning at page 48, I did the bulk of the reading today.)
This book is reserved for msjoanna, who won it in a bookobsessed.com bio/memoir swap.

[Sarah · Rating 3 out of 5]

Andrea Askowitz is friggin hilarious. It was really cool to hear her read and her book confirmed my desire to never be pregnant ever.

Upon reading other people's reviews it seems that a lot of people didn't like the book because they felt Andrea was self-centered and obnoxious. But I think that's sort of the point. Hearing her read, it was really obvious that she meant the whole thing to be like "haha jesus i was such an asshole, that was such a shitty time, so the only way for me to deal with it is to laugh at myself." But she was so charming that you couldn't help loving her and empathizing with her.

There was one point in the book (that i can't find now) that I really enjoyed. She's sitting in an office or a birthing class or something and she looks at the rest of the women and they all seem really obviously straight. and she thinks that probably they all assume that she's straight too and that her husband just couldn't make it. and she decides she hates them already for assuming that she's straight and married.

come on. who of us have not been there? i mean, maybe not literally pregnant and single, but who hasn't made a snap judgment to hate people because we perceive that they are incorrectly making snap judgments about us. i have SO been there with hating people just because i think they'll assume that i'm straight.

also she does an awesome reading.

[Lisa · Rating 3 out of 5]

Funny, grumpy, poignant. I read it in one sitting and really appreciated this look at a pregnancy journey very different from my own. At the same time, it also reminded me of the vividness of my own experience, which has now blurred somewhat in the haze of parenting a toddler.

Edited to add: other reviewers have called Askowitz unlikeable. I can see that, yes. But I am also 100% fine with a pregnancy memoir that is self-absorbed and complainy. We have a lot of stories about the miracle of life and the bliss of carrying a new being into the world; I don't really need another one of those (frankly, I'm not into reading those, at all). People do not have to be thoughtful, generous, or likeable to be parents or write a memoir. I found this book honest and worth reading.

[Kristen · Rating 3 out of 5]

I completely identified with this book. Of course I'm not pregnant, but my body seems to think I am and I seem to have all of the horrible hormonal feelings that this author encounters (got to go see that ob/gyn!). Oh yeah and the lesbian thing--so few real lesbians appearing in books lately, so nice to see. Thus, it was fun to read...and identify with. Of course I so totally did not identify with not having to work. I had to keep reminding myself that as difficult as things were...she didn't have to work. Soooo not fair. And depressing, when trying to relate it back to my must-work life. So I am officially sick of memoirs (and novels) where the narration is from this privileged perspective. And I would have also enjoyed a novel with this same character, only, you know, more writing, less diary recitation. Are there no more fiction writers out there? I know, I know, it is the way of the mega-publishing corporation to turn over books quickly and sell more units. But still, some actual writing (the kind that needs a good editor) would have made this a great book. As it is, it is funny and and a great chick-memoir.

[Amita · Rating 3 out of 5]

I'm not sure how I feel about this book. This wasn't the most self-absorbed, unlikeable memoirist I've ever read; that honor goes to the author of Passing for Thin, and I had more in common with that author than I do with Askowitz.

Askowitz is a pretty funny writer. She definitely made me thankful that I'm not planning to ever get pregnant and that my love life is in order. I was kind of thrown to see her thanking her two nannies at the end; I agree with the other reviewers here and elsewhere who say that her implied wealth puts a whole different spin on the book after the fact. Still, a little White Whine never killed anyone. I'd still rather re-read this than read Eat, Pray, Love even once.

[Marsha · Rating 4 out of 5]

Pregnancy is funny—when it happens to other people. For five years, Ms. Askowitz wanted to be one of those other people and tried like crazy to have a baby. Then she became pregnant and the terror started.

For anyone who has ever been pregnant, contemplated pregnancy, found themselves pregnant (as in “Holy sh**, how did THIS happen?!?”), this book plots the pitfalls, windfalls, pratfalls and just plain lunacy of being up the spout from the unique viewpoint of a lesbian (because with gay sex, there are NO accidental pregnancies) who got exactly what she wanted and lived to regret it. With biting wit and a mound of diapers, Ms. Askowitz tackles the age-old condition of women and shows just how risible it is—when it’s happening to other people.

[VeganMedusa · Rating 3 out of 5]

This is the kind of book I wouldn't want to read before getting pregnant. It seemed like she had every problem (haemorrhoids, constipation, fibroids, etc) that was possible. She whinges about everything and expects so much from her friends and family (it felt to me like she ignored the people saying it was going to be very hard and then expected them to carry her through it) and I feel like I shouldn't like the author or the book. But there was enough humour to carry the book and it was good to see her learning from her mistakes (Kate - I started off liking her but ended up thinking she was a bitch).
A lovely ending.

[Courtney Workman]

Seriously - no stars. A complete waste of time and this was a book I selected for a beach read so the expectations were low as it was. Given the title I thought it would be a humorous look at pregnancy, but basically the book is about the annoying aspects of any pregnancy with the annoying "but I'm a lesbian" line thrown in all the time as if it entitles the author to some type of special pregnancy treatment - and in the absence of - license to complain more.

[Nicole · Rating 4 out of 5]

I'm not miserable, lonely, a lesbian or pregnant but I wanted to read this book. It was fun, it was educational, it was a good book and the cover caught my eye. The author was in Chicago not to long ago and I wanted to go but couldn't.lgbtALLY approved :)

[Meg · Rating 1 out of 5]

Gods, this woman was annoying. The only thing that made this book worthwhile was the half chapter devoted to how wonderful the baby is at the end.

[Highjump · Rating 2 out of 5]

It had a total blog-to-book feel, which I don't think it was. Which is to say, I enjoyed it well enough but wish I hadn't paid for it. Despite the author's sexuality (which is what attracted me to the book in the first place) it reads like one of a million mommy blogs, one you don't even know why you read anymore. The author is fairly entertaining and judging her is even more entertaining, but this book is probably only worth it if you find it in a little free library.

[Erika · Rating 5 out of 5]

I couldn’t put this book down. Funny, inspirational, raw, and real. I feel like I’m right beside her throughout her journey to motherhood and truly feel like we could knock a few back and be friends! LOVED!

[Kelly Eden · Rating 4 out of 5]

Andrea is a feisty and not always likeable narrator, but I found her account of pregnancy--honest, often blunt, sometimes a little bit bitchy--hilarious. I couldn't put it down. I'm a straight, married woman and I still found this memoir so relatable.

[Cordelia Eddy · Rating 2 out of 5]

Lesbian pregnancy memoirs are important and there should be more of them. Unfortunately, Andrea’s personality is so unlikeable that it is hard to sympathize with anything that she is going through.

[Bettina Judd · Rating 2 out of 5]

It starts off well enough. You almost find the self-absorption of the narrator appropriate, self reflective. Until it isn't. Wow. Now I'm miserable.

[J · Rating 5 out of 5]

I want to give this four and a half stars. I can't really relate to the author in almost every way, but I appreciate her brutal honesty in everything. She describes the people around her as horrible, but she also describes herself this way too. She doesn't lean too far into the self-depreciation or build herself up as a victim of everyone else's faults, she just describes herself and her situation honestly, and it's exactly as the title says. It's a depressing read, which I don't normally like, but I enjoyed it nonetheless. She's so human it's amazing, full of faults and neither denying nor embelishing them. The ending is wonderful.

[Anaura Chen · Rating 2 out of 5]

A compelling, well-written memoir. However, the narrator was soooo completely unlikeable. She came off as honest but entirely selfish and self-centred. I don't know how much of that was just emphasising her bad bits for the sake of being witty but she never seemed to change very much throughout her pregnancy, and after the birth, we only have her word that being a mother improved her outlook. The only sympathetic characters were some of her long-suffering friends and her ex-girlfriend.


At one point she also gets a handjob from a man and goes fishing for sex with a different man, at which point imo she should've reconsidered the title of this book.

[Monica · Rating 1 out of 5]

I wish there were a category for books I didn't finish because I didn't want to waste any more time. This would go there. I had read a review of this book in a local paper, and thought I'd check it out. I got a bit into her second trimester (she divides the book up this way), when I gave up. Though she had been compared on the cover blurb to David Sedaris, she really wasn't that funny, and, throughout the book, she constantly complains about looking fat. How utterly boring and regressive.

[Jen · Rating 4 out of 5]

I read an interview of the author that promoted this book and I almost peed my pants with laughter as she described her surprise in learning about a mucus plug. I'm mesmerized by pregnancy in general, so I sought this book out at a time when it seemed like everyone I knew was pregnant or just had a baby. It was humorous at times, but not like I expected it to be. In juxtaposition with her interview and writing style, I thought the title was supposed to hyperbolic, but she really did mean miserable and lonely. So when it wasn't funny, it was kinda a drag to read.

[Lissa · Rating 2 out of 5]

I wish that I had enjoyed this memoir more. Askowitz is brutally honest about her pregnancy, her ex-girlfriend, her friends, her family, and a friend who died of cancer. She really holds nothing back. And there were definitely some funny parts. But I found her tone very whiny - and I can't fault her for that, since the summary on the back actually uses the word "whiny" to describe the book - and very self-absorbed. I just couldn't relate. She did, however, seem to grow towards the end of the book, especially once she had the child.

[Trayce · Rating 3 out of 5]

I was really charmed by the author, and the book is all about the author, all the time. I know, I know, it's a memoir, but her tendency towards self-absorption irritated me throughout much of it. Then, in the third trimester, I started to fall in love with her and her journey. It's more about being single, and creating family and community, than it is about being a lesbian. And I looooved reading about the labor and birth. Really touching. I want to be friends with her.

[Jadeblue78 · Rating 5 out of 5]

Very few books make me laugh out-loud, this one did. The author's style of writing is shameless, open and raw. You feel like you are truly being let into her life. Her experiences go beyond lesbianism or pregnancy. I am neither gay nor pregnant and I still sympathize with her. Pregnancy can apparently be a bitch, but the ending is happy. This book is a good read and well worth your time. I promise you will laugh and cringe at the same time. AWESOME!

[Jessica · Rating 3 out of 5]

This would be an excellent book if the title were "My Miserable, Lonely, Single Pregnancy." I thought this was a good, frank account of pregnancy and birth from the perspective of a single woman. I was a bit disappointed because I expected more on how her sexuality affected her pregnancy and child-rearing, of which there was not much. If you would not mind the lack of that, you will like this book.

[Becky Everhart · Rating 5 out of 5]

I really enjoyed this book because I felt such a connection that can only come from a shared journey. While I am not a lesbian, I am the mother of two girls, so the bumpy road of pregnancy and all of the resulting negativity, pregnancy brain, and insecurity felt like transcriptions from the journal I wish I'd kept. That said, I highly recommend this book and reading more of Askowitz's work.

[Penny · Rating 2 out of 5]

BLEAH. This author could not be more likeable if she tried. I bought the book because I saw snippits of it in cartoon form, and they were funny. The whole book should be cut down into three-panel manga-style drawings. Then it might work for her. It was tedious and whiny and I read it just to get through it and say it was over.

[Sandy · Rating 5 out of 5]

If you are curious about how insemination and donors work, this funny, fast-read memoir's for you. I love how she paints the first trimester (and all of it) as basically hell, and, yet, I still nearly cried reading her birth story. Don't ask me so many questions - read this book, and then we'll talk.