How You Can Survive When They're Depressed: Living and Coping with Depression Fallout

by Anne Sheffield, Mike Wallace, Donald F. Klein

Each year more than 17 million Americans suffer from a depressive illness, yet few suffer in solitude. How You Can Survive When They're Depressed explores depression from the perspective of those who are closest to the sufferers of this prevalent disorder--spouses, parents, children, and lovers--and gives the successful coping strategies of many people who live with a clinical depressive or manic-depressive and often suffer in silence, believing their own problems have no claim to attention.

Depression fallout is the emotional toll on the depressive's family and close friends who are unaware of their own stressful reactions and needs. Sheffield outlines the five stages of depression confusion, self-doubt, demoralization, anger, and finally, the desire to escape. Many people will find relief in the knowledge that their self-blame, guilt, sadness, and resentment are a natural result of living with a depressed person.
        
Sheffield brings together many real-life examples from the pioneering support group she attends at Beth Israel Medical Center of how people with depression fallout have learned to cope. From setting boundaries to maintaining an outside social life, she gives practical tactics for handling the challenges and emotional stresses on a day-to-day basis.

Genres: Nonfiction, Psychology, Self Help, Mental Health, Health, Mental Illness, Relationships

320 pages, Paperback

First published May 5, 1998

Reviews

[Ashley Protagonist · Rating 5 out of 5]

I didn't really need the chapter explaining how depression works, but for completeness' sake it's a very good thing. Not super fond of the phrasing of "your depressive" either, as that feels very depersonalizing to me and if Sheffield wanted us to avoid conflating our loved one with their illness, that seems like questionable wording.

That said, this was the book that made it clear to me it's okay for me to feel unfulfilled, unappreciated, and utterly exhausted by relationships in which I'm reduced to a caregiver. Being a caregiver can mean being nothing more than a part of someone else's recovery, someone else's care plan, someone else's life.

Is it any wonder that so many of us end up in a wildly asymmetrical and sometimes even codependent relationship with someone who legitimately does need us and is legitimately unable to reciprocate on an equal level? Is it any wonder that so many of us end up neglecting our own needs? It's what we're taught to do, with perhaps one throwaway line about taking care of ourselves before returning to the (apparent) real point of our existence.

This book was very validating for me as someone who has struggled and continues to struggle with being reduced in that way. Just knowing that I am not some uniquely-selfish callous narcissist, that I am in fact responding in a sensible and ordinary way, meant a great deal. I didn't get a lot of coping tools from the book, I got that at the accompanying message board that Sheffield started before her passing, but this was a necessary piece of me accepting that my dissatisfaction did not make me a bad person... just a person.

[Gaijinmama · Rating 5 out of 5]

Hands-down the most helpful book I've read about living with a depressed or bipolar /manic-depressive person. Without going into too much personal detail, I'll just say that I nodded in agreement at every page. A year ago, I would have burst into tears.
I guess that shows progress.
Depressive Fallout is such an accurate description of what it is like. I also find it similar to second-hand smoke: you don't have the disease yourself, but it can kill you if you don't watch out and take care of yourself.
One thing that I had trouble with: the author is very pro-medication and says quite directly that talk therapy is useless in many cases. I found myself resisting that. However, that might just be my "you are strong and intelligent and should be able to handle your own problems," stiff-upper-lip conditioning.
YMMV.

[Julie · Rating 3 out of 5]

The title of this book is misleading. It has great info on how to get your depressed loved one to go on meds and get counseling, describes what it's like living with someone who is depressed and gives many relatable scenario's but it doesn't give many suggestions on how to cope.

[Amy · Rating 3 out of 5]

I've been trying to figure out how to cope/live with a loved one's depression. While this book was great for giving me a 'community' to not feel so alone, I did find myself asking, quite often really, what about those depressed loved ones who choose not to 1) recognize they're depressed and 2) seek any type of assistance? This book was helpful, but not as helpful as I wished it would have been.

[Sara · Rating 2 out of 5]

I was hoping for a lot more from this book. As a counsellor and someone dealing with depression fallout, I found this book not very helpful. Its positives included allowing the reader to not feel 'alone' and acknowledging that depression affects those around someone who is dealing with depression, however, there were very few practical tips on how to support someone dealing with depression. I also found the terms used in the book to be quite dated and 'labelled' a LOT. For someone who is not used to counselling 'jargon', I'd be worried for those reading it that they may internalize some of the terminology.

[Jennifer · Rating 3 out of 5]

I could see this book being most helpful for those who are caring for non-compliant patients; however this book did not address my needs as a caregiver. There is a lot of useful information, unfortunately the book did not address my current needs as a caregiver.

[Angela Davenport · Rating 5 out of 5]

Yes I finally finished reading this book! It is an excellent resource for anyone living with a depressed loved one. The information helps validate your feelings, make sense of what you are experiencing, and helps you establish boundaries to protect your own mental and emotional health. I highly recommend it!!!

[Tina · Rating 1 out of 5]

Ugggg. I wanted to read this book because I am the depressed one. I have a lot of problems with this book. First, it's easy to tell the author was angry. I understand how difficult it is to live with depression and how it effects those around me but the author puts out as if all people with depression are manipulative, selfish and torments those around them. That is just not true and what she describes as a "depressive" is insulting. I have an illness. Does that mean I have to take on this label?

"And now let's study the meercat, rat, or depressive in their natural habitat." (my words).

Depression is a mood disorder not a personality disorder. The people she describes seem to have personality disorders.

It's not easy to live with a person with depression. But this book is pointed at the behavior of a small group of people who the author seems to despise. We are just people not monsters. There are much better books out there to help the friend/family member who know someone who is depressed. And never use the word "depressive".

[Shirley · Rating 4 out of 5]

Excellent book to keep and refer to again and again.

[Amyem]

http://www.bookcrossing.com/journal/5...

[Francesca · Rating 3 out of 5]

Illuminating on some finer aspects of depression that you may not be aware of, but not necessarily as helpful as I'd have liked.
Full of anecdotes, but without much core instruction.

[Chelle Saltzman-Branton · Rating 4 out of 5]

This was a powerfully informative book for me. I began reading it to better understand my role as caretaker and emotional support for 2 current people in my household, and ended up realizing I was a caretaker my whole childhood for my mother, as well. Self-care is a must!

[Ruthann · Rating 5 out of 5]

Excellent and very helpful book. I highly recommend it for spouses or other loved ones of mentally unwell people. The most helpful suggestion was seeing depression as an “it”: that is invading temporarily. It’s not their choice or desire to act like they are acting.

[Meri · Rating 5 out of 5]

One to revisit over and over.

[Karen May]

recommended by Cathy

[C · Rating 5 out of 5]

While probably most helpful for those who have non-compliant loved ones/children/parents with depression/manic-depression, this book covers a lot of important ground and is relevant to all readers regardless of their circumstances. The most praiseworthy aspect of the book is its argument that "depression fallout" exists and is a serious threat to both the relationship with the depressed person and the individual happiness of those who live with and love depressed people. While some of the statements made about depressed individuals seem a little sweeping, I found many of the examples--if not totally applicable to my own experiences--interesting in terms of understanding depression in a larger framework. Overall, despite some of its shortcomings, I'm v. grateful that this book exists.

[Jenny]

No rating as this is non-fiction.

I found it very informative and I got a lot of peace knowing I am not alone in how my spouse treats me while in the depths of depression. I would highly recommend to others who have family in their lives dealing with depression.

[Oyceter · Rating 4 out of 5]

http://oyceter.livejournal.com/253714...

[Katharine Schubert · Rating 5 out of 5]

This book helped me to understand how to cope with loved ones depression!

[Ron · Rating 4 out of 5]

Solid and very informative. The book would be very helpful to those dealing with depression fallout, as the author terms it.

[Ali]

This is a bit irrelevant now... but I'll hang on to it in case there's ever a situation that prompts me to read something like this again.

[الاء · Rating 3 out of 5]

This is for readers who come face to face with the depression and/or manic depression symptoms of their spouses or lovers. It is recommended to read this book for partners who feel puzzled yet in pain while they are experiencing the depressive period of their lovers. This book is useful for navigating through the ups and downs of relationships with depression and/or manic depression.