You Can Go Home Again: Reconnecting With Your Family

by Monica McGoldrick

"Monica McGoldrick is one of the most extraordinary voices among us. Her splendid new book is a gift, a rich source of hope, information, and insight that will teach readers to reconnect with our past and invent a new future." ―Harriet Lerner, Ph.D. author of The Dance of Anger, The Dance of Intimacy, and The Dance of Deception In this revelatory book, esteemed family therapist Monica McGoldrick explores why families behave as they do, using genograms (family trees) to illustrate family patterns. Mapped out over a three-generation span, repeated estrangements, alliances, even divorces and suicides, prove more than coincidental. McGoldrick uses the genograms of famous families - including the Kennedys, Hepburns, Beethovens and Brontes - the discuss the influence of birth order and sibling rivalry, family myths and secrets, cultural differences, couple relationships and the pivotal role of loss. Relevant questions to ask appear at the end of each chapter, helping the reader become researcher, uncovering information previously withheld, misunderstood or overlooked.

Genres: Psychology, Nonfiction, Relationships, School, Self Help

332 pages, Hardcover

First published January 1, 1995

Reviews

[Chelsea · Rating 3 out of 5]

I have mixed feelings about this book. It's message is that of radical acceptance and a guideline in which to do that with one's family.

There is a lot of examples of family histories from historic figures of the past to convey the points they are making but this book was written i 1995 so I would argue--at least for me, the people chosen are so dated that it almost didn't feel relevant to the modern age. I think our global context has changed drastically so this book is one of those take what resonates and leave the rest.

[Lena · Rating 4 out of 5]

While some things in this book are outdated (sweeping generalizations of ethnicities read a little cringey in 2021), the analysis of famous families is entertaining and the introduction to family systems theory is helpful.

[Kari Schooley · Rating 4 out of 5]

Wonderful book for family counselor.

[Library · Rating 4 out of 5]

(Currently not available at HKUST Library or HKALL)

This is a nice book in understanding family issues. The author, family therapist McGoldrick, in making use of genograms and family stories of famous people, such as Beethoven, Kafka, Mahler, Chaplin, Kennedys, Hepburn, etc. , studies and discusses couple relationship, intergenerational relationships, sibling rivalry, birth order, divorce, extra-marital affairs, family secrets and loss, etc.

Through detailed exploration, McGoldrick reveals how these family issues in previous generations significantly influence current and future generations in families. It shows that the complexities of family patterns and dynamics indeed have their intergenerational influences. Hence, going back to your home and reconnecting with your family of origin become tremendously important not only for understanding your family of origin but also for having more awareness of your patterns and behavior in dealing with your present and future interpersonal relationship.

[Barbara Carlson · Rating 4 out of 5]

Stacey, my 46 year old daughter, gave this book to me a couple of years ago. At the time, she was getting her M.S.W., and also in therapy, and this MAY have been required reading.....not sure. I read it when she first gave it to me, but I am currently revisiting it and being reminded of its wisdom, especially with regard to relationships between parents and grown children and between siblings. I think the strongest message for me was to practice empathy, to recognize our fundamental connectedness as human being and to accept each other for who we are, not who we WISH them to be, or to HAVE been. Not easy, to set aside the judgement, but very rewarding when we do.
She analyses a few too many profiles of famous families for me. They are interesting, but I lost patience after getting the point. The best chapter for me was the last one entitled "Reconnecting." It pretty much summed it all up which I appreciated.
A very good read if you are interested in improving your relationships, especially with family, but also if you are interested in genealogy.

[Cpresto2 · Rating 4 out of 5]

Fascinating book using genograms to illustrate family patterns of famous families of like the Beethoven’s and Kennedy’s to show influence of birth order, relationships, stereotypes, ethnic heritage, religion, class rules, finances, disabilities, addictions, family secrets, grief and loss. Premise of the book is that if a person can reconnect with their past, they can better choose their future. McGoldrick describes ways clients can hold onto their sense of selves to get past resentments and prevent reverting to childish responses to family behaviors when “going home.” This book can be a good aid for both therapist and client. This was definitely interesting reading; many useful examples.

[Elizabeth · Rating 5 out of 5]

The title is a trifle misleading: it sounds as if only people who are estranged from their families would get anything from this book. Actually, it's for anyone interested in getting a clearer perspective on their family relationships. McGoldrick uses famous families as examples of various issues (loss, pressure to succeed, gender expectations, sibling relationships, and so on). She also suggests questions and topics for readers to explore if they choose to examine their own families. I wish she'd gone into issues of class and culture a bit more deeply—this is the only chapter without a family example in it and the chapter feels a bit rushed—but overall, it's a good book for people who want a solid introduction to looking at their families' psychology.

[Salsadancer · Rating 5 out of 5]

Monica McGoldrick explores family patterns of birth order, sibling rivalry, family myths, secrets, couple relationships, class, cultural differences, suicide, and loss using the genogram method (a sort of annotated tree drawing) of tracking a famiy. When viewed in this way, these patterns suggest that many recurring family experiences are not entirely coincidental. It's the "sins of the father" idea that experiences are repeated within a family.

Being able to see what's going on in your family's heritage can enable you to change your future.

[Sara · Rating 3 out of 5]

This book is taking me forever to get through! I can see how Jefferson or the Bronte families have these recurring destructive patterns and can apply some of that to my own families patterns but haven't figured out if there is anything I can do to STOP the negative cycles. I am not that far into though and I have faith that the author is getting to it. The intro hits a lot of high and low notes regarding how our families impact us whether we stay close or estrange ourselves. She makes a strong case for facing these generational trends head-on.

[Janet Ferguson · Rating 5 out of 5]

Absolutely fascinating exploration of some of the world's most famous families, complete with genograms, photos, and more. McGoldrick encourages the reader to act as a detective and ask questions within their own family to uncover family secrets and other information that may have gone unknown, but is important to the healthy family function in subsequent generations. Highly recommend this one to anyone!

[Helen · Rating 5 out of 5]

An excellent book on how to take a look at your family of origin in order to better understand yourself!

"The more we know about our families, the more we can know about ourselves, and the more freedom we have to determine how we want to live. Learning about your family heritage can free you to change your future."

[Joy · Rating 4 out of 5]

An easy read regarding psychological approaches to family systems, highlighting the use of a genogram. It was thoroughly enjoyable as the many examples used are of historical/famous figures and their families. This would be a good read for anyone wanting to understand more about their family, not just psychology students.