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Modern Romance

Aziz Ansari

3.81 · Rating details · 171,424 ratings · 13,282 reviews

At some point, every one of us embarks on a journey to find love. We meet people, date, get into and out of relationships, all with the hope of finding someone with whom we share a deep connection. This seems standard now, but it’s wildly different from what people did even just decades ago. Single people today have more romantic options than at any point in human history. At some point, every one of us embarks on a journey to find love. We meet people, date, get into and out of relationships, all with the hope of finding someone with whom we share a deep connection. This seems standard now, but it’s wildly different from what people did even just decades ago. Single people today have more romantic options than at any point in human history. With technology, our abilities to connect with and sort through these options are staggering. So why are so many people frustrated?

Some of our problems are unique to our time. “Why did this guy just text me an emoji of a pizza?” “Should I go out with this girl even though she listed Combos as one of her favorite snack foods? Combos?!” “My girlfriend just got a message from some dude named Nathan. Who’s Nathan? Did he just send her a photo of his penis? Should I check just to be sure?”

But the transformation of our romantic lives can’t be explained by technology alone. In a short period of time, the whole culture of finding love has changed dramatically. A few decades ago, people would find a decent person who lived in their neighborhood. Their families would meet and, after deciding neither party seemed like a murderer, they would get married and soon have a kid, all by the time they were twenty-four. Today, people marry later than ever and spend years of their lives on a quest to find the perfect person, a soul mate.

For years, Aziz Ansari has been aiming his comic insight at modern romance, but for Modern Romance, the book, he decided he needed to take things to another level. He teamed up with NYU sociologist Eric Klinenberg and designed a massive research project, including hundreds of interviews and focus groups conducted everywhere from Tokyo to Buenos Aires to Wichita. They analyzed behavioral data and surveys and created their own online research forum on Reddit, which drew thousands of messages. They enlisted the world’s leading social scientists, including Andrew Cherlin, Eli Finkel, Helen Fisher, Sheena Iyengar, Barry Schwartz, Sherry Turkle, and Robb Willer. The result is unlike any social science or humor book we’ve seen before.

In Modern Romance ...more

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Paperback, 277 pages

Published January 27th 2016 by Penguin UK (first published June 16th 2015)

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· 171,424 ratings · 13,282 reviews

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Jul 06, 2015 Anne rated it really liked it · review of another edition

Recommended to Anne by: diane

Shelves: kindle, non-fiction, humor, read-in-2015

So, this isn't really a humorous book about Aziz Ansari's dating experiences, it's more like a book about dating in the modern world, written by the very humorous Aziz Ansari.

description

I was introduced to Aziz's stand-up by my oldest son, and I've been hooked on him ever since. He's hilarious, and if you haven't seen him perform you're missing out. Which makes me wish I'd listened to this as an audiobook...

description

Turns out, Aziz and his partner, Eric Klinenberg, did quite a bit of research for this book. Now, ...more

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Apr 27, 2015 Kelly (and the Book Boar) rated it really liked it · review of another edition

Shelves: liburrrrrry-book, read-in-2015, funny-haha, non-fiction

Find all of my reviews at: http://52bookminimum.blogspot.com/

3.5 Stars

Modern Romance went on my TBR as soon as I heard rumors of its existence. We’re talking about waiting months for this damn thing (and also never being able to track down an ARC) . . .

Quick confession – I never bothered reading the synopsis for this book. I saw Aziz Ansari had a “romance” book coming out and my brain immediately thought it would be something like “Tom Haverford’s Guide to Dating” . . .

If I would h ...more

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Oct 06, 2015 Nandakishore Varma rated it liked it · review of another edition

Shelves: gr-2015-choice

I got married in 1989. In India in those days, "love" marriages were still exceptions rather than the norm: when you had to look at the religion, caste, family background, and age of a possible partner who was to share your life (divorces were absolute stigma!) before hitching up, falling in love was like solving a mathematical equation with too many constraints. For a nerdy, uncouth, shy and bookish youngster who got tongue-tied in presence of a halfway-pretty girl, this was even more of a nigh ...more

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Apr 03, 2016 Clumsy Storyteller rated it it was amazing · review of another edition

Shelves: humor, favorites, comedy, re-reading, 2016-reading-assingment, non-fiction

As a single woman I feel like Aziz Ansari knows my pain. Yes I am single by choice ( not my choice, but still a choice) , He knows how unpleasant it is to stare impotently at a screen waiting for a message that never arrives “we all have Tanya on our phones”

The hours slouched by. “I’m so stupid!” he writes. “I should have typed ‘Hey’ with two y’s, not just one!” Later: “Did Tanya’s phone fall into a river/trash compactor/volcano? Did Tanya fall into a river/trash compactor/volcano?? Oh no, T

...more

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Sep 22, 2015 Stephanie *Eff your feelings* rated it really liked it · review of another edition

Shelves: humor, 2015

I am a satisfied single.

I did not coin that term, I did hear it from somewhere, but I don’t remember who said it. Sorry person who said it. Anyway.....what this means to me is that I’m fine with being on my own. It’s easy. Would I like to meet ‘the love of my life’ or ‘the man of my dreams’ my 'soul mate' if you will? Sure, I’d be alright with that, in fact it would be great. But I'm not holding my breath.

Am I willing to spend hours and hours poring over profiles, reading messages from guys that ...more

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Jul 07, 2015 Snoon Mcwilliams rated it it was ok · review of another edition

Startlingly inessential.

Early on, Ansari makes a somewhat baffling statement that he felt compelled to write this book because there wasn't any other literature on modern dating culture-- a topic explored ad nauseum in newspaper thinkpieces, podcasts, and other disposable pop science bestsellers (many of which he goes on to reference throughout the book). He also mentions that he rejected the idea of writing a strictly humorous book because he feels like his stand-up is a more comfortable medium Startlingly inessential.

Early on, Ansari makes a somewhat baffling statement that he felt compelled to write this book because there wasn't any other literature on modern dating culture-- a topic explored ad nauseum in newspaper thinkpieces, podcasts, and other disposable pop science bestsellers (many of which he goes on to reference throughout the book). He also mentions that he rejected the idea of writing a strictly humorous book because he feels like his stand-up is a more comfortable medium for his comedy ideas and only agreed to do the project if he could center it on serious sociological inquiry.

What results is a broad roundup of research studies on shifting attitudes toward marriage and dating, some case studies done through focus groups and Reddit, and a few interviews with social scientists. Unfortunately, the most acute problem with the book is that it's wholly free of any sort of insight or critique. Have you ever thought about the fact that previous generations lived, loved, and died within a narrow geographic and cultural range while today technology allows us to learn about and connect with an almost limitless array of other people and ideas? Would it surprise you to learn that some people in bygone eras felt stifled by limited options while others were content with what was available to them, while some in the current generation feel liberated and others feel paralyzed by choice? It wouldn't?

The flatness of the science could be forgiven if the book was funny, but it isn't. Ansari mostly limits himself to joking asides (and even follows most of those up with qualifying statements that they're not meant to be construed as part of the research, as if he or co-author Eric Klinenberg were deathly afraid of being discredited by satirical factoids like saying 0.8% of all couples met on the set of the Nicolas Cage movie Snake Eyes), which seldom rise above observations at the level of "Have you ever texted someone and then they don't text back right away? What is the deal with that??". On the whole, his efforts to ground the book in sociological exploration torpedo the humor and the book ultimately doesn't succeed as science or satire.

I suppose this would be easy to dismiss as the latest in a long tradition of disposable novelty bathroom reading written by comedians, but knowing that Ansari was given a $3.5 MILLION book deal to produce it can't help but rankle. Save your time-- there's nothing insightful or memorable here at all. ...more

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Nov 26, 2015 Elyse Walters rated it it was amazing · review of another edition

Shelves: humor, non-fiction, romance, relationships

At the beginning of the audiobook, Aziz joked with 'us listeners', about being
"Lazy People"......too lazy to sit down and read a book. He not only had to write the
book, but now he 'had' to read it us us too!

Aziz is entertaining and hilarious no questions about it. Love the guy!

By the end of my 'lazy- listening'... I came to the conclusion that Aziz brought playfulness and lightness to the game called "Modern Dating".
However ...'everyone' could benefit listening to this audio tape if you pla ...more

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Oct 24, 2018 Joe Valdez rated it really liked it · review of another edition

Shelves: non-fiction, sociology

Like every successful standup comedian today, Aziz Ansari was offered a book deal. Though Patton Oswalt did turn his offer into Silver Screen Fiend: Learning About Life from an Addiction to Film, Ansari's peers have largely released memoirs or joke books; even George Carlin wasn't above taking money that a publishing house was giving away and adding "New York Times bestselling author" to his accomplishments. Winning the award for original thought, Ansari turned his offer into Modern Romance, a s Like every successful standup comedian today, Aziz Ansari was offered a book deal. Though Patton Oswalt did turn his offer into Silver Screen Fiend: Learning About Life from an Addiction to Film, Ansari's peers have largely released memoirs or joke books; even George Carlin wasn't above taking money that a publishing house was giving away and adding "New York Times bestselling author" to his accomplishments. Winning the award for original thought, Ansari turned his offer into Modern Romance, a seriously amusing and documented sociological look at why with more options than ever, people feel more frustrated searching for a partner than ever.

In collaboration with sociologist and author Eric Klinenberg as well as a football team of sociologists, research assistants and dating experts who consulted on data or organized focus groups, Ansari--born and raised in Bennettsville, South Carolina and at the time of his book's 2015 publication was 32, single, no children--is of course writing about himself just as much as his peers have in their books, but in analyzing why huge strides in civil rights and technology seem to have made the process of finding a mate more stressful, he's also writing about his audience. Like me!

-- It was remarkable. In total, fourteen of the thirty-six seniors I spoke with had ended up marrying someone who lived within walking distance of their childhood home. People were marrying neighbors who lived on the same street, in the same neighborhood, and even in the same building. It seemed a bit bizarre. "Guys," I said. "You're in New York City. Did you ever think, Oh, maybe there's some people outside of my building? Why limit yourself so much? Why not expand your horizons?"

They just shrugged and said that it wasn't what was done.

-- When I talked to people about dating back in the day, they said they'd go to one bar or a mixer, which was like a community dance, usually put on by a church or college or other local institution, where young people could talk and meet. They'd stay there the whole night and have one or two drinks. That seems more pleasant than what I see out in bars today, which is usually a bunch of people staring at their phones trying to find someone or something more exciting than where they are.

-- The interesting thing about text is that, as a medium, it separates you from the person you are speaking with, so you can act differently from how you would in person or even on the phone. In Alone Together Sherry Turkle tells the story of a young boy who had a standing appointment for a Sunday dinner with his grandparents. Every week, he'd want to cancel and his mom would tell him to call his grandparents and tell them he wasn't coming. However, he never would, because he couldn't bear to hear the disappointment in their voices. If it were text, though, he'd probably wouldn't have thought twice about it. As a medium, it's safe to say, texting facilitates flakiness and rudeness and many other personality traits that would not be expressed in a phone call or an in-person interaction.

--At our focus group on online dating in Manhattan, Derek got on OKCupid and let us watch as he went through his options. These were women whom OKCupid had selected as potential matches for him based on his profile and the site's algorithm. The first woman he clicked on was very beautiful, with a witty profile page, a good job, and lots of shared interests, including a love of sports. After looking it over for a minute or so, Derek said: "Well, she looks okay. I'm just gonna keep looking for a while."

I asked what was wrong, and he replied, "She likes the Red Sox."

I was completely shocked. I couldn't believe how quickly he just moved on. Imagine Derek of twenty years ago, finding out that this beautiful, charming woman wanted to date him. If she was in a bar and smiled at him, Derek of 1993 would have melted. He wouldn't have walked up and said, "Oh, wait, you like the Red Sox? No thank you!" and put his hand in her face and turned away. But Derek of 2013 just clicked an X on a Web browser tab and deleted her without thinking twice, like a J. Crew sweatshirt that didn't live up to his expectations upon seeing a larger picture.

-- On one of our subreddit threads we asked people to tell us about their best first dates, and it was amazing to see how many involved doing things that are easy and accessible but require just a bit more creativity than dinner and a movie.

His parents both work in media, and every year he goes to the Westminster Dog Show at Madison Square Garden and finds his way backstage through a combination of walking with a purpose and flashing media credentials his parents help with. Talk about impressing a first date! We then bought wine, which they served out of sippy cups, and made a drinking game out of the dog show. (Take a drink every time a dog jumps when it's not supposed to, and so on).

Dating aside, I'm definitely playing a Westminster dog show drinking game ASAP. That sounds fun!

-- Ending things by changing their status on social media without telling their partner is another way people break up these days. One woman told us: "In college, my boyfriend broke up with me by changing his Facebook status to single. We got back together six years later, and then he broke up with me over text message. I should probably stop dating him." If you start dating him again and he says he needs to stop by the 'blimp place," maybe brace yourself to read bad news in the sky.

Aziz Ansari reminds me of a bright younger brother, or perhaps energetic cousin, who you enjoy having around but at some point--maybe every hour, depending on what he's drinking or ingesting--you feel like telling, "All right, settle down, settle down." Not that I was expecting a dry sociological study of dating trends or even wanted to read one, but Ansari's book concept, his research and his energy are the chief reasons to read Modern Romance, not the jokes he slips in (I'll give him props for dropping a reference to the action movie Speed and what Jack Traven & Annie Porter can tell us about relationships forged from intense circumstances).

In addition to traveling to Tokyo and Buenos Aires for a look at two of the most extreme dating climates in the world--one where men have their libidos set to 1 and another where masculinity is cranked up to 11--I got the most value from the focus groups with senior citizens. I could easily see this book being expanded into a television program, where Ansari meets people of different groups in different cities to talk about romance. It's colorful, analytical and thought provoking, whether you're single like me, or in a committed relationship and curious what's going on out there, the same way I enjoy watching nature programs though I'm uninterested in hunting game on the plains.

My experience with modern romance is we do have so many choices and are in such a hurry to find the One but that the relationships that have been most memorable for me were those where I took the time to get to know someone in spite of ourselves. The Internet can so easily reduce the process of meeting people to ordering patio furniture, but people are not products, and my most meaningful relationships have been with women who weren't my "type" and vice-versa. Somehow we unplugged ourselves from the matrix and made a connection, but it's not easy. It makes me appreciate those relationships I've had so much more. This thoughtful and fun book reinforced that.

Length: 59,712 words ...more

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Nov 05, 2015 Diane rated it really liked it · review of another edition

Shelves: audiobooks, nonfiction, humorous, sociology-psychology

Aziz Ansari is a funny guy. I've enjoyed his work as an actor and a comedian, so I shouldn't have been surprised when I really liked his book.

But I was surprised, especially when I learned that he had teamed up with a sociologist and did actual research on modern romance. Aziz was interested in how technology has changed dating culture, and he opens the book with a funny story about a girl, Tanya, who didn't text him back after he had asked her out. He realizes that texting and social media and Aziz Ansari is a funny guy. I've enjoyed his work as an actor and a comedian, so I shouldn't have been surprised when I really liked his book.

But I was surprised, especially when I learned that he had teamed up with a sociologist and did actual research on modern romance. Aziz was interested in how technology has changed dating culture, and he opens the book with a funny story about a girl, Tanya, who didn't text him back after he had asked her out. He realizes that texting and social media and dating apps and emojis have become increasingly important in dating and relationships, and he and a sociologist set out to research the subject.

For example, they conducted interviews with people from a wide variety of ages and backgrounds, and they even traveled to other countries to get some international data on romance. One aspect of their research I found especially interesting was that online dating sites and apps, such as Match.com and Tinder, have dramatically increased the number of options for people, but having so many choices can be overwhelming. It makes it harder for some people to choose someone, because there are always more profiles to check. One woman told the story of how she would check Tinder before going a date, just in case she saw someone more interesting than the guy she was supposed to meet.

I also liked the perspective of elderly folks who were interviewed. Overwhelmingly, the women who got married young wished they hadn't been pressured to find a husband so quickly. Even in cases where the women had relatively happy marriages, they felt a sense of loss because they didn't get a chance to experience being single in their 20s, or have time to live independently, without relying on a parent or a husband to support them.

I love sociology, and I thought this book was a delightful blend of Aziz's humor and sociological insights. I listened to this on audio, and Aziz was a very funny performer. He had me laughing within the first minute, and this book made a long road trip seem very short. I would recommend it to anyone interested in the sociology of dating, or who also wants a good laugh. ...more

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Aug 07, 2015 Sarah Jane rated it really liked it · review of another edition

Shelves: non-fiction

I think Aziz Ansari just convinced me to get on Tinder?

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Jun 19, 2015 emma rated it really liked it · review of another edition

Shelves: owned, recommend, nonfiction, reviewed, reread, non-ya, 4-and-a-half-stars, funny

i posted, i posted, i posted! plz be proud of me. link here: https://emmareadstoomuch.wordpress.co...
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Disclaimer: I have the biggest crush on Aziz Ansari. Can anyone blame me? He’s like a humor magician. Parks & Rec, flawless standup specials, MASTER OF NONE, and this book. What a track record.

Anyway. I could never claim to be unbiased on this subject. It’s now clear that what I thought was a post-season 2 Master of None hangover is just...part of me now. I am destined for an existenc ...more

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Dec 16, 2016 Philip rated it really liked it · review of another edition

Shelves: nonfiction, contemporary, 2015-releases, author-of-color, biography-autobiography, author-man

4ish stars.

Disclaimer: This review contains my life story/abridged relationship history. Do not feel obligated to read it in its entirety, but c'mon it's kind of entertaining.

Surprisingly not as funny, but much more insightful than I expected. I guess I figured this would be Master of None in book form with Ansari chronicling specific experiences he's had that reflect dating culture today. Don't get me wrong, there's plenty of humor, and Ansari does throw in a few auto-biographical accounts, bu ...more

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May 25, 2015 Glenn Sumi rated it liked it · review of another edition

Shelves: non-fiction

Bravo to comic and actor Aziz Ansari for not writing just another memoir-by-someone-who’s-sorta-famous-but-hasn’t-lived-long-enough-to-really-warrant-one. I’ve read a number of them (good: Bossypants; okay: Is Everyone Hanging Out Without Me?; abandoned: sorry, Lena Dunham).

Modern Romance is about dating in the digital age. Getting to know people has evolved significantly even over the past few years. Dating sites, swipe apps like Tinder and sexting are a far cry from how people used to meet – y Bravo to comic and actor Aziz Ansari for not writing just another memoir-by-someone-who’s-sorta-famous-but-hasn’t-lived-long-enough-to-really-warrant-one. I’ve read a number of them (good: Bossypants; okay: Is Everyone Hanging Out Without Me?; abandoned: sorry, Lena Dunham).

Modern Romance is about dating in the digital age. Getting to know people has evolved significantly even over the past few years. Dating sites, swipe apps like Tinder and sexting are a far cry from how people used to meet – you know, through friends and family; answering personal ads; video dating, where you watch potential partners' VHS tapes (!); braving noisy, crowded bars….

Ansari has teamed up with NYU sociology professor Eric Klinenberg for the book, so there are many quotes from experts and plenty of facts, figures and even some graphs. There are also lots of jokey elements, like dorky photos (Ansari imagines what his online stalker looks like) and fake footnotes (okay, I laughed at a silly Betty Friedan footnote).

The two also drew on lots of research from SubReddit, focus groups and Ansari’s stand-up. A few years ago I saw Ansari perform live, during the time he was doing research. One of the highlights was when he asked audience members if they’d recently met someone and, if so, if he could read out recent text exchanges involving that person. He draws on some of those exchanges from that tour in the book.

If, like me, you’re single, you probably already know a lot of what's in this book. The whole project feels a tad lightweight, like an extended magazine article you skim in the waiting room of the doctor’s office.

But there are a few fascinating revelations, like the difference between successful women’s and men’s online dating profile pictures (apparently women should look directly at the camera, while men should look away) and how if someone’s “undecided” about liking your pic and profile you’ll think about them a lot more than if someone downright likes it.

(Note: Aziz admits at the outset that the book is primarily about heterosexual relationships and most of the research was done with middle-class people.)

But by far the most fascinating sections in the book are about dating practices in other countries: Qatar, Japan, France. Aziz jokes that he chose many of these cultures for their culinary offerings, but there are some sharp observations here. People in Japan are so private they often use a pet – or an inanimate object, like their RICE COOKER! – for their profile pics.

And the section on France opens up a big issue about monogamy and open relationships. You know who also weighs in on open relationships? The hip-hop star Pitbull. And he’s pretty articulate.

Ansari also chronicles his own relationship history, which has gone from single to dating to seriously dating. He’s candid about it all, even letting us see actual text exchanges between him and his lady friend to illustrate how some digital communication can be misinterpreted.

And while there are jaw-dropping revelations about the idiots out there in cyberspace's scary single’s world – adolescent males come under fire for their less than original texts – there are lots of success stories, too. So there are plenty of happy endings. (Um, you know what I mean.) ...more

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Mar 03, 2019 Carmen rated it really liked it · review of another edition

Shelves: he-says, published2015, 2018-book-lover-s-desk-calendar, traditionally-published, american-author, non-fiction

CALLING VS. TEXTING

"A phone call? The WORST."
- Female Focus Group Participant

"If you want to talk to me, you're going to have to call me."
- Another Female Focus Group Participant

[Dumbfounded]
- Every Guy in That Focus Group

The issue of calling versus texting generated a wide variety of responses in our focus groups. Generally, younger dudes were FUCKING TERRIFIED of calling someone on a phone. This didn't surprise me that much, but I was surprised that younger women also expressed terror at the ...more

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Dec 06, 2017 Katie rated it really liked it · review of another edition

I came into this not expecting much, but this was fascinating! I picked it up without reading the description, so I was pleasantly surprised to find the majority of this is based on psych studies. If you're interested in the psychology behind modern dating, I highly recommend. Definitley listen to this as an audiobook.

It also left me more depressed about being single, but heigh-ho! ...more

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May 25, 2015 Chihoe Ho rated it it was ok · review of another edition

"Modern Romance" straddles the line of being funny and serious. It doesn't commit (get the pun?) one way or the other, and so, falls flat on both fronts. This is especially unsatisfying as I love Aziz and his work. Perhaps it's with this high expectation and skewed notion of what this book could have been that made it all the more disheartening. The quicker you accept the fact that "Modern Romance" isn't what you wished it was, the easier you'll find yourself enjoying it a little more.

It isn't a ...more

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Dec 02, 2017 Nat rated it liked it · review of another edition

Shelves: audiobook, diverse-reads, essays, nonfiction, pink-covers

In Modern Romance, Ansari combines his irreverent humor with cutting-edge social science to give us an unforgettable tour of our new romantic world.

“The world is available to us, but that may be the problem.”

Fun fact: I actually started 2017 with this read, but at the time it didn't feel relevant enough for me to get the most out of it, so I put the book down. Fast forward to November, when I discovered the wonder that is the Hidden Brain podcast, where it featured an episode with Aziz Ansari sh ...more

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Jul 10, 2015 Tatiana rated it liked it · review of another edition

Shelves: 2015, non-fiction

The knowledge offered in this book is pretty common and obvious, nothing you haven't read online/heard on a podcast. But some anecdotes, especially about dating in other countries/cultures are funny and interesting.

I am glad I listened to an audio narrated by Ansari himself. I can't imagine reading the book on my own, to be honest. ...more

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Jan 16, 2017 Roy Lotz rated it really liked it · review of another edition

Shelves: misanthropology, americana, help-me-help-myself

One firm takeaway from all our interviews with women is that most dudes out there are straight-up bozos.

My introduction to modern romance was abrupt and unexpected. I was back in New York for the holidays, drinking with a few friends, sipping and gulping the wonderful IPAs that I miss when I’m here in Spain.

Sometime deep into the night, one of my friends, who is a gay man—this is relevant to the story; you should also know that I’m a straight guy—asked if anyone wanted to go on his Tinder. ...more

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Apr 09, 2015 rachelbianca rated it really liked it · review of another edition

Ok, so I picked this up thinking this was going to be a Aziz Ansari version of a Steve Harvey book. You know the kind with advice like "Ladies, don't call him back right away!" kind of thing.

This is not that kind of book. Ansari worked with a sociologist to look at love in the modern age. He covers everything from texting to sexting to Tinder and how love/romance has changed due to technology.

I really like that the book took a more academic approach. Because it's Aziz, it's also still funny. I ...more

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Mar 29, 2016 Trudi rated it really liked it · review of another edition

Shelves: thinky-books, laugh-out-loud, love-actually, reading-challenge-2016, non-fiction, 2016

I've been so behind on my reviewing these days, but I had so much fun with this one I wanted to make sure I didn't let it fall through the dark cracks into the swirling abyss where my non-reviewed books go.

I'm a huge fan of Ansari. I think he's cute as a button and funny as goddamn hell. I watched him in Parks & Rec, his most recent Netflix original Master of None (which I highly recommend), and thoroughly enjoy his stand-up concerts. He's not at the same level as Louis CK or Patton Oswalt, but ...more

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Mar 19, 2017 Jokoloyo rated it really liked it · review of another edition

This book is more insightful than I first anticipated. It is a funny book indeed, but the focus group discussions and other researches that discussed in this book are good for my own thinking and introspection.

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Apr 01, 2017 Nenia ✨️ I yeet my books back and forth ✨️ Campbell rated it really liked it · review of another edition

Shelves: nonfiction, poc-nonfic

Instagram || Twitter || Facebook || Amazon || Pinterest

There are a lot of books that I am interested in reading but don't really get around to unless the book is selected by a book club or for a buddy read. This is because sites like Amazon and Goodreads have made the whole prospect of choosing a book so stressful. Up-and-coming books, out-of-print books, esoteric books from small presses - there are so many options. Before Goodreads, I would select books based on the cover, the synopsis on ...more

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Jul 25, 2016 Christina rated it really liked it · review of another edition

3.5 stars, but I rounded up, just because Aziz is hilarious.

This was really a very interesting read. Obviously well researched and very insightful. It was funny, for me, reading about the way romance was done before the technology we have today and in modern times, because I went through my teens in a gap time I guess. I grew up in the 90's and early 00's, so I didn't have my own cell phone until I was closer to an adult and even these days, I'm not big into social media (GR is about it for my s ...more

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Dec 12, 2018 Gabrielle rated it really liked it · review of another edition

Shelves: used-bookstore-finds, funny, non-fiction, own-a-copy, read-in-2018, reviewed

This is a more serious book than the cover or author could lead one to believe: I think Ansari is hilarious, and I was pleasantly surprised by the blend of humor and social sciences to be found in this often funny, but sometimes painful, look at modern dating culture. As a student of history, I was well aware that the very idea of romance is fairly modern, marriages having basically been business transactions for thousands of years. But post-Industrial Revolution Western society quickly became p This is a more serious book than the cover or author could lead one to believe: I think Ansari is hilarious, and I was pleasantly surprised by the blend of humor and social sciences to be found in this often funny, but sometimes painful, look at modern dating culture. As a student of history, I was well aware that the very idea of romance is fairly modern, marriages having basically been business transactions for thousands of years. But post-Industrial Revolution Western society quickly became pretty obsessed with romance, the idea of true love, the idealization of the nuclear family (though it wasn’t called that at the time) and all that stuff. I have always been skeptical of those ideas, as any properly embittered child of divorce/dysfunctional family would be, I guess.

I grabbed a copy of this book at the used bookstore after Joe’s enthusiastic review, mostly because I was really curious to see if my experience was in any way, shape or form “normal”. I have often wondered what it must have been like dating before all these digital means of communications I take for granted.

Reviewing this book seems to beg for an executive summary of one’s experience with dating in the digital age, so here goes (I put it in spoiler tags in case you just want my review, and not my overshare)!

(view spoiler)

Back to the book. One of my favorite things about it was that after many a marathon of "Parks and Rec", I could hear Ansari's hysterical nasal voice in my head as I read, and his hilarious phrasing often made me snort in my teacup. Writing entertaining non-fiction is not easy, and he nailed it. It also makes the book extremely readable: I breezed through it in just a couple of days.

I completely agree with Ansari’s thoughts about how texting and other such messaging systems de-humanize some communications, in the sense that they facilitate rudeness and flakiness in a way that voice-on-voice interaction never could. Casual rudeness in emails and text messages is one of my biggest pet peeves, and was often a deal-breaker when it came to messaging potential dates: you can’t be bothered to say “hi, how are you” huh? Deleted. I actually wish I could block co-workers who can’t be bothered to be polite by emails as easily as I did with blokes on OkCupid, but alas... In the context of dating, I always tried to meet people face to face quickly, because let's face it, you are not the same person in written form that you are when you have to actually speak to someone standing in front of you: my reasoning was if I was going to date someone, chance are we'd spend a lot of time hanging out, so it was better to find out quickly how they were in person vs. on messenger. It was interesting to see that online dating expert think people should keep messaging to a minimum and meet up in real life asap. I also completely agree that Women's Liberation was a game-changer when it came to dating and marriage, because that's when the rules of the game (for lack of a better phrasing) really changed: no longer needing marriage to leave the parental home meant women could wait and experience the world in unprecedented ways before settling down.

I was very interested in the chapters about how the online dating experience differs between men and women: I mean, I knew it was basically night and day, but it was nice to explore the hows and whys people's behaviors and responses. The process takes its toll on both genders, but for wildly different reasons. I also find it really interesting that paradoxically, having more options makes things more difficult and less satisfying for people looking for love; it probably doesn't help that there is a trend towards a tendency to compare people we meet with an imaginary ideal partner no one can live up to... Especially when people don't want to invest any time in getting to know other people.

The obsession with “soul mates”, “true love that lasts for ever” and all that stuff is definitely a bi-product of a ton of pop-culture (rom-coms, Disney and radio-friendly adult rock… barf!), but it’s also a reaction to seeing parents and grandparents endure less than perfect marriages with clenched jaws and thinking to ourselves “I will never be in a relationship like that”. It’s an understandable reaction, especially given the fact that getting married was often the only way to respectably leave the parental home for previous generations, but it overshadows the fact that any emotional bond between human beings changes and evolves with time – and keeping a long-term romantic relationship healthy and interesting requires effort, patience and compromise from both partners. What I learned dating in my twenties was that people are, well, kind of lazy!

Now the book is fairly superficial: it doesn’t dig very deep into any of the issues it discusses. For instance, I was already well aware that we live in a society that’s all about instant gratification and that most people now see their relationships with other humans in that light: I would have liked to know how we got here! It also very specifically targets heterosexual singles who are mostly middle class, and it's relatively male-centrist, but I expected that - I would have appreciated more women-specific data. The chapters on how people date in other cultures was also interesting, but I was disappointed that his exploration of French culture was focused pretty much exclusively on cheating; it felt a little one-sided. That being said, I think he is right in concluding that while dating now might be harder in many ways than it was for say, our grandparents, chances of meeting someone who is a better match are higher than it was for them. That is, if we are not total bozos when it comes to sexting...

A fun and surprisingly informative read with a lot of thought-provoking points. Anyone who has experienced online dating would find this interesting. 3 and a half, rounded up. ...more

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Feb 20, 2016 B Schrodinger rated it really liked it

Shelves: psychology, non-fiction, humour

Aziz has written a book on romance and dating in the 21st Century and he wants us all to take him seriously.

I know what you're thinking, and so did Aziz, "Another comedian book, another fluffed out 200 page book with anecdotes that probably didn't happen".

This is not that type of book at all.

Aziz was interested in how dating works these days and decided to team up with a proper social scientist to do some research. And it seems like he was heavily invested in it all. The new research that Aziz ...more

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Sep 07, 2015 Matthew Quann rated it it was amazing · review of another edition

Shelves: science

Are you single?

Are you in a relationship?

Do you use a cellphone?

Have you ever had a conversation with someone older or younger than you about technology ruining/not ruining society?

Do you ever wonder why people don't text you back within moments of you texting them despite the fact that you can see that they've read the text?

If any of this applies to you, then you need to do yourself a favour and dig into Aziz Ansari's book. This gorgeously bound book beautifully dodges all the pitfalls of a n Are you single?

Are you in a relationship?

Do you use a cellphone?

Have you ever had a conversation with someone older or younger than you about technology ruining/not ruining society?

Do you ever wonder why people don't text you back within moments of you texting them despite the fact that you can see that they've read the text?

If any of this applies to you, then you need to do yourself a favour and dig into Aziz Ansari's book. This gorgeously bound book beautifully dodges all the pitfalls of a nonfiction book by being relentlessly funny, and avoids being lumped in with books by comedians by being supremely educational.

First, a confession: I've become an immense Aziz Ansari acolyte over the course of the Autumn. I watched all of "Master of None" when it premiered on Netflix and would easily place it as one of my favourite shows of the year. So, when I heard that Ansari had written a book with a renowned sociologist about love and romance? I was sold and primed to enjoy the read long before it came into my hands as a Christmas gifts. So, fair warning, I loved this one, this will be a standing-O of a review.

Ansari spent a year traveling the globe, polling and questioning people about love and romance from a wide swath of age ranges. What he found out was pretty interesting.
The statistics presented in this volume are on high quality paper with great looking graphs (pretty much what everyone in your local bookstore is hunting for when flipping through covers). Though I'll admit that many nonfiction books can end up being an endless fact slog, Ansari makes esoteric sociological jargon accessible through his illustrative, and often humorous, explanations. You'll be able to grasp sociological concepts quickly through ludicrous examples, and statistics are presented to illustrate huge gaps and differences between expected and experimental results. The stats are never difficult to interpret or require extensive head-scratching.

If this all sounds a bit heady, fret not casual reader, for Ansari is talking about stuff that you deal with everyday! I found the section on texting etiquette in burgeoning relationships to be eye-opening and applicable outside of the realm of romance. The examination of other cultures' dating scenes was both interesting and helpful to illustrate universal norms between cultures. What's more, the material throughout grounds the seemingly-mundane experiences of searching for relationships and moving into long-term relationships by acknowledging that no one is alone in these experience.

To conclude: read this book. You'll not be disappointed if you are a fan of Ansari's humour, and the nigh-ubiquitous subject matter makes it an easy recommendation for your struggling single 20-something friend and your middle-aged parent. I had neat conversations with my grandparents about how they met and spoke with my parents about how social media changes the way in which we meet. The only limitation to the entire book is that it deals exclusively with heterosexual relationships, with only the odd touch on LTBGQ relationships. With that said, I can't recommend this book enough. It is funny, educational, and heartfelt. This will not disappoint you, dive in head first. ...more

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Mar 27, 2016 La-Lionne rated it it was ok · review of another edition

Shelves: just-blah, could-not-finish, reviews-say-yay-i-say-nay, frustrating, own

Omg what fucking yawnfest. I'm so pissed at how misleading the book description is. In it this book is called "hilarious". Can someone point me to the hilarious part in the book? All it got out of me was couple of giggles and a snort. DNF at 50%.
I just want to say that I'm fan of Ansari, as an actor and a comedian, but this book felt more like a lecture, with a couple of giggle-worthy comments thrown in. The book is not badly written, at all. Aziz uses a lot research and material from interviews ...more

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Jun 10, 2015 Chuddchutney Buana rated it really liked it · review of another edition

There's a reason why Goodreads aptly put this book in a non-fiction category in this year Goodreads Choice Awards, while it could've easily been in the humor section.

The thing is, much like his brilliant new series Master of None, the comedy's there, but not as a central point. Instead, it was being used as an accessory for Aziz to make an interesting topic become more engaging.

If there's one downside is that the book can be repetitive at times. He often wrote something that was pretty much in ...more

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Sep 16, 2015 Shannon (kitchandpages) rated it really liked it · review of another edition

Actual rating 4.5 stars
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Well I don't know what I was thinking when I picked this (audio)book up, but Modern Romance wasn't it. I really like this! It was super interesting and I feel like I learned a lot about the history of romance and how it's changed with technology. Being a person who was been off the market since 2006, a lot of this stuff was news to me, lol - I really enjoyed how Aziz talked to people of all ages and all around the world. This is not your typical comedian-memoir ...more

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About Aziz Ansari

Aziz Ansari

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Aziz Ishmael Ansari is an American actor and comedian. He starred as Tom Haverford on the NBC show Parks and Recreation.

Ansari began his career performing standup comedy in New York City during the summer of 2000 while attending New York University. In 2007, he created and starred in the critically acclaimed MTV sketch comedy show Human Giant, which ran for two seasons. This led to acting roles in ...more

Books by Aziz Ansari

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Quotes from Modern Romance

“Marriage was an economic institution in which you were given a partnership for life in terms of children and social status and succession and companionship. But now we want our partner to still give us all these things, but in addition I want you to be my best friend and my trusted confidant and my passionate lover to boot, and we live twice as long. So we come to one person, and we basically are asking them to give us what once an entire village used to provide: Give me belonging, give me identity, give me continuity, but give me transcendence and mystery and awe all in one. Give me comfort, give me edge. Give me novelty, give me familiarity. Give me predictability, give me surprise. And we think it’s a given, and toys and lingerie are going to save us with that. Ideally, though, we’re lucky, and we find our soul mate and enjoy that life-changing mother lode of happiness. But a soul mate is a very hard thing to find.” — 148 likes

“When I've really been in love with someone, it's not because they looked a certain way or liked a certain TV show or a certain cuisine. It's more because when I watched a certain TV show or ate a certain cuisine with them, it was the most fun thing ever.” — 107 likes

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