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The Practical Guide to Men: How to Spot the Hidden Traits of Good Men and Great Relationships
Good men are everywhere, and they are searching for terrific women. So why are they hard to find? And why do so many women choose the wrong men? “Is He Worth It?” answers both questions, and it holds time-tested wisdom for spotting the hidden characteristics of good men. It is the perfect guide to finding lasting romance in these complex times. (Originally published under the title "Is He Worth It?")
228 pages, Paperback
First published January 19, 2016
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Displaying 1 - 9 of 9 reviews
November 29, 2018
I'm really tired of repeating the same relationship dance over and over with different people, and I'm unwilling to do it any more. I've worked on myself a lot to try to stop re-creating these patterns. My therapist suggested that now, maybe I need to learn to choose better. But how?
This book answers that question more clearly than I ever could have imagined. First, it took me through some self-exploration to get clear on what I'm contributing to the patterns and to the relationships themselves (good and bad), and what's important to me. Although I've thought a LOT about this, I still got some new insights here. Then it broke down three essential qualities a man must have in order to be a good partner: a sense of purpose, good mental health, and emotional maturity.
The book ends with a 12-point checklist that makes it really obvious whether a guy is qualified or not. The points are clear and well thought out. There's really no arguing that any of them aren't important or shouldn't be essential.
On one hand, that's freakin' awesome. From now on, I never have to waste time swooning over a guy who doesn't cut it--or trying to figure out whether he cuts it or not. The checklist makes it very clear if he's got any deal-breakers. Bonus: all the bullshit women tell you to do, in order to get the guy to chase you? Totally unnecessary with a guy who meets these criteria. He wants to call you, spend time with you, and be important in your life. Learning the dance of bullshit is not required.
On the other hand, even the best guys I've ever known didn't pass 100% of this checklist. I'm trying to think of anyone I've ever known who would. So far, I haven't thought of anyone. I guess this explains why I've never had a relationship last and stay happy longer than 3 years, but shit. Do these guys really exist? The author says you'll find them if you expect to find them, and if you haven't seen any yet, it's because your mind has been screening them out. I sure hope he's right, because otherwise, it's pretty depressing.
I'm going to go ahead and mark this a life-changer, because if the author is right, it will be. I guess even if he's not, it will still change my life, because then I'll be single forever looking for the guy who meets these criteria.
Highlights
(I bought this book on Kobo, so no good way to export these or note locations, bah)
We all have our own core beliefs about the opposite sex. Some are useful, some are impediments to love and happiness. If we understand what our minds have learned about relationships, and if we understand when and why they are trying to protect us, we can make our own choices about obeying our thoughts and feelings. We can say good-bye to old ways of relating and open ourselves to the types of relationships we really want, even if it makes our minds uncomfortable. Discomfort fades when we understand the source and we're willing to sit with it in the service of creating something wonderful.
...
The answer? Disobey those damaging beliefs. If your mind says you don't deserve to be treated well, act as if you do, whether you feel like it or not. If your mind says there are no good men, behave as if they are everywhere. Act as if they're looking for you, whether you believe it or not.
...
With cookies, the mind naturally tends to say the more, the better. With mate choice, the mind latches on to surface traits with the same approach: the more, the better.
...
The researchers found that even though we regard narcissists as potential mates, we don't regard them as adequate friend material. We see right through them—right up to the moment we're looking for love, when our minds are particularly prone to addled, short-term decision making.
...
This has a couple of implications for relationships. First, it's natural to fool ourselves into seeing shared values when we have the hots for someone. Second, wide gulfs can develop in relationships when people lose sight of their similarities. People grow and change throughout the course of a relationship. Focusing on commonalities helps maintain attraction and satisfaction.
Common desires for excitement or calmness, similar goals, meaningful shared activities, and perceptions of closeness—these connections keep couples happy long after infatuation wears off.
...
Values become clearer when we thing of them not as attributes but as behavior. Values are what we do.
...
A man's sense of purpose matters because when status, responsibility, and effectiveness are absent, then frustration and emptiness take their place.
...
Emotional struggles don't necessarily damage a man's emotional fitness, but the unwillingness to struggle does. The relationship-ready man isn't the man who never experiences emotional turbulence. He's the man who is willing to face it head-on.
...
Unfortunately, a man who is unwilling to face his emotional challenges is simply less fit for relationships than he otherwise would be.
...
Assessing a man's emotional maturity is sometimes an exercise in seeing what is not there, like drama, boastfulness, neediness, treacherousness, and other qualities people tend to hide when they are trying to forge a favorable impression.
...
Getting to know someone probably takes longer than you think—and longer than you would like. When his thoughts and behaviors no longer surprise you, you're halfway there.
...
Here are a few questions to guide your assessment of his values:
- Does he have a sense of where he's headed in life? Is his vision of the future compatible with yours?
- Do you enjoy the activities and conversations you share with him? Based on your time with him so far, would you enjoy spending time with him for the rest of your life?
- Do you have similar preferences for excitement and/or calmness?
- Are you comfortable supporting his professional and personal goals? Is he comfortable supporting yours?
- Do you have similar desires for emotional closeness? Do you desire similar amounts of time together? Similar levels of conversational depth? Similar levels of physical affection?
- Are you each confident enough in your similarities to enjoy your differences?
...
While not all men possess it in equal measure, most men require some sort of outside passion in order to bring their best selves to the relationship. The wise woman realizes this is one of the wonderful areas in which men and women operate differently. In my clinical experience, men are better partners when they are part of something larger than themselves.
...
(These questions are explained very clearly and concisely in the assessment in the Appendix.)
Purpose:
Inspection Item 1: Are his values compatible with yours?
Inspection Item 2: Is he part of something larger than himself?
Inspection Item 3: Is he maintaining his man card?
Inspection Item 4: Is he striving to be honorable?
...
Mental health:
Inspection Item 5: What role do substances and other forms of avoidance play in his life?
Inspection Item 6: How does he handle male stoicism?
Inspection Item 7: Does he value emotional insight?
Inspection Item 8: Is he available?
...
One of the most uplifting qualities a relationship-ready man possesses is curiosity about matters of emotion and communication.
...
Emotional maturity:
Inspection Item 9: How does he handle bad moods and bad days?
Inspection Item 10: Does he possess reliable coping skills?
Inspection Item 11: How does he treat others?
Inspection Item 12: How does he treat you?
...
Good, relationship-ready men are problem solvers. What signs are indicative of a man's emotional resourcefulness? In my clinical experience, the two most reliable indicators are good self-care and reliable support system.
...
ten conventional, well-intentioned thought processes that contribute to poor choices in men:
- ignoring red flags
- overlooking hidden treasures
- disregarding warning from friends and family
- ignoring intuition
- excusing bad behavior
- drifting away from values
- insisting he function like a woman
- crusading to fix him
- clinging to sunk costs
- denying the common denominator [yourself]
...
There's one telltale sign when people are ignoring valuable warnings. They defend the relationship with statements like "He's not like that" or "This guy is different." If you hear yourself making such rationalizations, slow down and take a good look at the situation.
...
A good man feels great when his partner understands his masculine qualities, but he's on top of the world when she truly appreciates him.
This book answers that question more clearly than I ever could have imagined. First, it took me through some self-exploration to get clear on what I'm contributing to the patterns and to the relationships themselves (good and bad), and what's important to me. Although I've thought a LOT about this, I still got some new insights here. Then it broke down three essential qualities a man must have in order to be a good partner: a sense of purpose, good mental health, and emotional maturity.
The book ends with a 12-point checklist that makes it really obvious whether a guy is qualified or not. The points are clear and well thought out. There's really no arguing that any of them aren't important or shouldn't be essential.
On one hand, that's freakin' awesome. From now on, I never have to waste time swooning over a guy who doesn't cut it--or trying to figure out whether he cuts it or not. The checklist makes it very clear if he's got any deal-breakers. Bonus: all the bullshit women tell you to do, in order to get the guy to chase you? Totally unnecessary with a guy who meets these criteria. He wants to call you, spend time with you, and be important in your life. Learning the dance of bullshit is not required.
On the other hand, even the best guys I've ever known didn't pass 100% of this checklist. I'm trying to think of anyone I've ever known who would. So far, I haven't thought of anyone. I guess this explains why I've never had a relationship last and stay happy longer than 3 years, but shit. Do these guys really exist? The author says you'll find them if you expect to find them, and if you haven't seen any yet, it's because your mind has been screening them out. I sure hope he's right, because otherwise, it's pretty depressing.
I'm going to go ahead and mark this a life-changer, because if the author is right, it will be. I guess even if he's not, it will still change my life, because then I'll be single forever looking for the guy who meets these criteria.
Highlights
(I bought this book on Kobo, so no good way to export these or note locations, bah)
We all have our own core beliefs about the opposite sex. Some are useful, some are impediments to love and happiness. If we understand what our minds have learned about relationships, and if we understand when and why they are trying to protect us, we can make our own choices about obeying our thoughts and feelings. We can say good-bye to old ways of relating and open ourselves to the types of relationships we really want, even if it makes our minds uncomfortable. Discomfort fades when we understand the source and we're willing to sit with it in the service of creating something wonderful.
...
The answer? Disobey those damaging beliefs. If your mind says you don't deserve to be treated well, act as if you do, whether you feel like it or not. If your mind says there are no good men, behave as if they are everywhere. Act as if they're looking for you, whether you believe it or not.
...
With cookies, the mind naturally tends to say the more, the better. With mate choice, the mind latches on to surface traits with the same approach: the more, the better.
...
The researchers found that even though we regard narcissists as potential mates, we don't regard them as adequate friend material. We see right through them—right up to the moment we're looking for love, when our minds are particularly prone to addled, short-term decision making.
...
This has a couple of implications for relationships. First, it's natural to fool ourselves into seeing shared values when we have the hots for someone. Second, wide gulfs can develop in relationships when people lose sight of their similarities. People grow and change throughout the course of a relationship. Focusing on commonalities helps maintain attraction and satisfaction.
Common desires for excitement or calmness, similar goals, meaningful shared activities, and perceptions of closeness—these connections keep couples happy long after infatuation wears off.
...
Values become clearer when we thing of them not as attributes but as behavior. Values are what we do.
...
A man's sense of purpose matters because when status, responsibility, and effectiveness are absent, then frustration and emptiness take their place.
...
Emotional struggles don't necessarily damage a man's emotional fitness, but the unwillingness to struggle does. The relationship-ready man isn't the man who never experiences emotional turbulence. He's the man who is willing to face it head-on.
...
Unfortunately, a man who is unwilling to face his emotional challenges is simply less fit for relationships than he otherwise would be.
...
Assessing a man's emotional maturity is sometimes an exercise in seeing what is not there, like drama, boastfulness, neediness, treacherousness, and other qualities people tend to hide when they are trying to forge a favorable impression.
...
Getting to know someone probably takes longer than you think—and longer than you would like. When his thoughts and behaviors no longer surprise you, you're halfway there.
...
Here are a few questions to guide your assessment of his values:
- Does he have a sense of where he's headed in life? Is his vision of the future compatible with yours?
- Do you enjoy the activities and conversations you share with him? Based on your time with him so far, would you enjoy spending time with him for the rest of your life?
- Do you have similar preferences for excitement and/or calmness?
- Are you comfortable supporting his professional and personal goals? Is he comfortable supporting yours?
- Do you have similar desires for emotional closeness? Do you desire similar amounts of time together? Similar levels of conversational depth? Similar levels of physical affection?
- Are you each confident enough in your similarities to enjoy your differences?
...
While not all men possess it in equal measure, most men require some sort of outside passion in order to bring their best selves to the relationship. The wise woman realizes this is one of the wonderful areas in which men and women operate differently. In my clinical experience, men are better partners when they are part of something larger than themselves.
...
(These questions are explained very clearly and concisely in the assessment in the Appendix.)
Purpose:
Inspection Item 1: Are his values compatible with yours?
Inspection Item 2: Is he part of something larger than himself?
Inspection Item 3: Is he maintaining his man card?
Inspection Item 4: Is he striving to be honorable?
...
Mental health:
Inspection Item 5: What role do substances and other forms of avoidance play in his life?
Inspection Item 6: How does he handle male stoicism?
Inspection Item 7: Does he value emotional insight?
Inspection Item 8: Is he available?
...
One of the most uplifting qualities a relationship-ready man possesses is curiosity about matters of emotion and communication.
...
Emotional maturity:
Inspection Item 9: How does he handle bad moods and bad days?
Inspection Item 10: Does he possess reliable coping skills?
Inspection Item 11: How does he treat others?
Inspection Item 12: How does he treat you?
...
Good, relationship-ready men are problem solvers. What signs are indicative of a man's emotional resourcefulness? In my clinical experience, the two most reliable indicators are good self-care and reliable support system.
...
ten conventional, well-intentioned thought processes that contribute to poor choices in men:
- ignoring red flags
- overlooking hidden treasures
- disregarding warning from friends and family
- ignoring intuition
- excusing bad behavior
- drifting away from values
- insisting he function like a woman
- crusading to fix him
- clinging to sunk costs
- denying the common denominator [yourself]
...
There's one telltale sign when people are ignoring valuable warnings. They defend the relationship with statements like "He's not like that" or "This guy is different." If you hear yourself making such rationalizations, slow down and take a good look at the situation.
...
A good man feels great when his partner understands his masculine qualities, but he's on top of the world when she truly appreciates him.
March 28, 2025
I am a fan of Shawn T Smith and openly describe his book ‘The Tactical Guide to Women’ as a million dollar book, because it can help you avoid a relationship that will cost a million dollars. This is a companion to The Tactical Guide to Women. It is a combination of self analysis and what a woman should look for in a potential male partner. It opens with tools for self analysis of who you are and what your values may be and then looking at who this may be compatible with and the qualities ‘good men’ may have. Smith defines “a good man as one who possesses the skills, temperament, and desire to be successful in a long – term, romantic relationship” (p 13). He then identifies the characteristic of good “Relationship ready men possess three characteristics: sense of purpose; good mental health; emotional maturity” (p 15).
Smith provides a Twelve Point Inspection for Women of Men: 1/ Are his values compatible with yours? 2/ Is he part of something larger than himself? 3/ Is he maintaining his man card? 4/ Is he striving to be honourable? 5/ What role do substances and other forms of avoidance play in his life? 6/ How does he handle male stoicism? 7/ Does he value emotional insight? 8/ Is he available? 9/ How does he handle bad moods and bad days? 10/ Does he possess reliable coping skills? 11/ How does he treat others? 12/ How does he treat you?
In chapter ten Smith discusses the ten mistakes women make with men: 1/ Ignoring Red Flags 2/ Overlooking Hidden Treasures 3/ Disregarding Warnings from Friends and Family 4/ Ignoring Intuition 5/ Excusing Bad Behaviour 6/ Drifting Away from Values 7/ Insisting He Function like a Woman 8/ Crusading to Fix Him 9/ Clinging to Sunk Costs 10/ Denying the Common Denominator.
As I was reading this book, I could not help think about my failings as a man and how I do not live up to the standards of being a man as described by Smith. My mental health is not always good and I do not always display emotional maturity. My strongest man card is my sense of purpose which I have in abundance. Reading this had me reflecting on where I could be better as a man. I like Smith and thinks he should be more well known. His writing is practical and easy to understand. I would want Melanie to read this, as I would want Michael and Daniel to read The Tactical Guide to Women. Channelling Charlie Munger, you have more benefit from avoid dumb mistakes, than being brilliant and innovative. That is where the million dollars is.
Smith provides a Twelve Point Inspection for Women of Men: 1/ Are his values compatible with yours? 2/ Is he part of something larger than himself? 3/ Is he maintaining his man card? 4/ Is he striving to be honourable? 5/ What role do substances and other forms of avoidance play in his life? 6/ How does he handle male stoicism? 7/ Does he value emotional insight? 8/ Is he available? 9/ How does he handle bad moods and bad days? 10/ Does he possess reliable coping skills? 11/ How does he treat others? 12/ How does he treat you?
In chapter ten Smith discusses the ten mistakes women make with men: 1/ Ignoring Red Flags 2/ Overlooking Hidden Treasures 3/ Disregarding Warnings from Friends and Family 4/ Ignoring Intuition 5/ Excusing Bad Behaviour 6/ Drifting Away from Values 7/ Insisting He Function like a Woman 8/ Crusading to Fix Him 9/ Clinging to Sunk Costs 10/ Denying the Common Denominator.
As I was reading this book, I could not help think about my failings as a man and how I do not live up to the standards of being a man as described by Smith. My mental health is not always good and I do not always display emotional maturity. My strongest man card is my sense of purpose which I have in abundance. Reading this had me reflecting on where I could be better as a man. I like Smith and thinks he should be more well known. His writing is practical and easy to understand. I would want Melanie to read this, as I would want Michael and Daniel to read The Tactical Guide to Women. Channelling Charlie Munger, you have more benefit from avoid dumb mistakes, than being brilliant and innovative. That is where the million dollars is.
August 27, 2025
When I first read this book, I was just dating my partner, now my fiancé 😊 and I wanted something that could help me build a relationship that lasts. I already had my standards, but this was the first time I found a real structure, a guide that made sense of what a healthy, loving, long-term partnership should look like. Looking back now, I feel grateful that I found this book at the right time it shaped how I showed up in love, and now here I am, engaged to the man I once only hoped for.
May 2, 2020
The primitive beast and the modern man
This is a really unsightly easy to follow and digest analysis of men’s patterns and behaviours, throwing in behavioural analysis, good examples and primitive traditions will help anyone woman understand a man a lot better. Very well written
This is a really unsightly easy to follow and digest analysis of men’s patterns and behaviours, throwing in behavioural analysis, good examples and primitive traditions will help anyone woman understand a man a lot better. Very well written
March 11, 2021
Pretty much hands on, suggested it to my sister after reading, she found it insightful.
Covers concepts like anxiety.
Covers concepts like anxiety.
June 28, 2023
Insightful.
March 25, 2016
Great book
This book starts out about one of the author's patients, a woman named Rosa.She describes how her current boyfriend was really wonderful except for jealous and controlling streak. He would check her phone calls and texts and would rate her when she angered him . The author asks Rosa a simple question "are you aware good men don't behave that way?" This was a "aha" moment for Rosa (and me) as she honestly did not know how a good man is supposed to act. As I read to the book I realized I had a scarcity of good relationship role models when I was growing up and then had a direct effect on my relationships. I feel like I now have the tools to recognize the traits of a man who is not "relationship ready" and hopefully will place my time making excuses for a guy who doesn't treat me well. For a psychology self-help book is pretty easy to read. The author uses quite a few patients stories to illustrate his points. It can get a bit heavy on the research side , be prepared to spend some time rereading important sections. It's worth the effort but can sometimes be a bit challenging.
This book starts out about one of the author's patients, a woman named Rosa.She describes how her current boyfriend was really wonderful except for jealous and controlling streak. He would check her phone calls and texts and would rate her when she angered him . The author asks Rosa a simple question "are you aware good men don't behave that way?" This was a "aha" moment for Rosa (and me) as she honestly did not know how a good man is supposed to act. As I read to the book I realized I had a scarcity of good relationship role models when I was growing up and then had a direct effect on my relationships. I feel like I now have the tools to recognize the traits of a man who is not "relationship ready" and hopefully will place my time making excuses for a guy who doesn't treat me well. For a psychology self-help book is pretty easy to read. The author uses quite a few patients stories to illustrate his points. It can get a bit heavy on the research side , be prepared to spend some time rereading important sections. It's worth the effort but can sometimes be a bit challenging.
March 21, 2016
I graciously received this book from Goodreads giveaways! This book was very insightful and enjoyable. It has some interesting concepts that I had never considered.
August 6, 2016
A must read for anyone wondering why their relationships aren't working. Even if you are in a great relationship, I feel it has great information in it that can improve your life.
Displaying 1 - 9 of 9 reviews