I'll Know It When I See It: A Daughter's Search for Home in Ireland

by Alice Carey

Although the author opens with a visit to her mother's native Ireland at 12 and ends with lighting candles in her new home in County Cork four decades later, this is no nostalgic memoir about getting back to your roots. Alice Carey has crafted a tough-minded examination of her complicated relationship with her heritage, a warm tribute to the theatrical free spirits who helped liberate her from an unhappy childhood. She grew up in Queens; her father often hit her and flew into a rage when his wife dared to augment the family's meager finances by working as a maid for Broadway producer Jed Harris. Helping Mammie in the afternoons, Alice glimpsed a glamorous, sophisticated world beyond the constraints of Catholic school and Celtic fatalism. She moved to Greenwich Village in her teens and made her life as a Manhattanite with a weekend home in Fire Island. When AIDS decimated that community in the 1990s, she and her husband moved to Ireland. Making an 18th-century farmhouse habitable is a black comedy Carey describes with a sardonic wit that echoes her Irish forebears and gay friends but is uniquely her own (she names "the Seven Dwarves of Restoration: Happy, Reluctant, Fearful, Suspicious, Wary, Hopeful, and Doubtful"). Her journey towards a new identity as "a real New Yorker living in Ireland" is all the more moving because it is chronicled with sharp perceptiveness and without sentimentality. --Wendy Smith

Genres: Nonfiction, Memoir, Ireland, Irish Literature

304 pages, Hardcover

First published February 19, 2002

Reviews

[Glenn · Rating 4 out of 5]

For most people, what probably drew them, or will draw them to this memoir, this author, this event, is one word in the subtitle of this marvelous book: Ireland. Whether you are as Irish as the characters described within “I’ll Know it When I See It,” or have a last name that sounds more like…Raucher, for instance, the word Ireland still conjures up a multitude of images, of the place itself, its long, difficult and complex history, and how it is also interwoven with the myths and tales of this country. And many of those images have little connection to any reality about the place; but, nevertheless…the romantic image of Ireland persists.

But “I’ll Know it When I See It” is not a soft clover travel guide; for one, we spend as much time in Astoria, Queens and on 55th Street right here in Manhattan as we do in County Cork. The events that take place not five miles from the spot where we all are right now are as indelibly recalled, and as potent for our narrator, as any that take place across the Atlantic, on that verdant island.

But, to this reader at least, the key word in the title is not Ireland; it is something even deeper and more universal: Home.

In this moving yet remarkably unsentimental book, Alice Carey makes it clear that no one finds “home” without a cost, a reckoning of what is lost. Whether it is letting go of--leaving--what one thought was their “home,” or coming to terms with simply letting go of what other people expect you to accept as your place in the world, “I’ll Know it When I See It” tells a powerful and entrancing tale. One that, because of Alice Carey’s expert hand and ear for the beauty and power of language, her ability to make her words come alive on the page, takes us right into the places she, her family and dear friends inhabit, or even only visit.

[Kerry · Rating 2 out of 5]

I picked up I'll Know It When I See It, thinking that it was going to be an Irish version of Under the Tuscan Sun. I love books like Tuscan Sun because there is something about that I find romantic about finding and fixing up a new home, putting down new roots and redefining your life in the process. It all seems like a leap of faith to me to cut ties with the past and willingly throw yourself into a future that you choose.

Sadly, I'll Know It When I See It is a very different kind of book. While the author, Alice Carey, did purchase a new home in Ireland, this book was too entrenched in the past to really appeal. Carey spends minimal time exploring or settling into her new home or community - in fact, the main house on her property remained as untouched and unlived in as it was at the start of the story. Instead, Carey is fixated on exploring her past: her relationship with her mother, a traumatizing episode with her priestly uncle, her childhood friendships famous people (soooooo much name dropping!!! We get it! You emptied the ashtrays of the famous and the fabulous!!! Can we get back to the house now?), mourning for friends lost to AIDS and for the home on Fire Island that she had to sell in order to purchase her Irish property. I was left wondering why (if she was so reluctant to leave behind her NY life) did she make the move at all? When all was said and done, I never got the impression that she ever felt comfortable or completely satisfied with her new life which left me feeling vaguely unsatisfied with the story. I was tempted to follow her cat's example and abandon this household and go settle in at the neighbors house. Maybe it's my fault for coming in to the story with pre-conceived notions but I just never clicked with this book and won't be adding to my personal library.

[Libby · Rating 5 out of 5]

this is really a story about a girl and her Mama, within the subtext of restoring a ruined Irish farmhouse. It was evocative and I got choked up about a dozen times, not to mention green with envy, reading about Ireland. Love.

[Cyndy]

not exactly what I expected. I wanted more about life in Ireland, and that wasn't the focus.

[Olga Vannucci · Rating 5 out of 5]

Irish in New York, a house on Fire Island,
She takes herself back Home, she buys a ruin in Ireland.

[Ana Maeve · Rating 3 out of 5]

I’ve never read a memoir that was more than vaguely interesting and this was no exception

content warnings // grooming domestic abuse alcoholism sexual assault

[Pamela · Rating 5 out of 5]

I enjoyed the Irish Voice of the author as she mixed the memories of the past with the present renovation plans

[Rachel · Rating 3 out of 5]

A cute book! One time read for me though! Liked the fact that it went back and forth, from her younger years to her older years.

[Colleen · Rating 4 out of 5]

I'll Know It When I See It: A Daughter's Search for Home in Ireland by Alice Carey tells the story of Alice and her husband's search for a home in Ireland and the reconciliation of Alice's past. Alice Carey, the daughter of two Irish immigrants from Co. Kerry, was raised in an immigrant neighborhood in Astoria Queens. Her mother was a house cleaner for Jean Dalrymple , a famous theater producer of the time, and Alice spent most afternoons in Dalrymple's luxurious Manhattan townhouse while her Mother cooked and cleaned. This early exposure to the world of theater seems to have heavily influenced her life - Alice became a musical theater performer as an adult.

Another strong influence in Alice's life is that of her mother's Irish heritage and her longing for "Home" in Ireland. Alice's mother saved diligently for years so that she and Alice could travel back to Ireland by boat. Although this trip home was not as idyllic as either Mother or Daughter imagined, it had a strong influence on Alice's life in both positive and negative ways. It certainly is a major driver for her return to Ireland with her husband and her search for a home to buy in Ireland.

There were many points in this memoir where I could identify with Alice despite the fact that our paths in adult life are very different - she an artist, me a scientist. For example, Alice observes as the boat she and and her mother take to Ireland pulls into the dock at Co.Kerry, Ireland:

She's [Alice's mother:] completely Irish now. And me? I'm . . . Irish American. No, I'm not at all like those Americans eager to wear green, kiss the Blarney Stone, and soak up the culture. I'm a New Yorker. And I am Irish. Just like Mammie.

I think Alice does an excellent job in the above quote of characterizing the immigrant experience - the experience of living between two worlds. Both her Mother and Alice are caught between being New Yorkers and being Irish. Of course, you can be both and that is the beauty of the melting pot which is celebrated in this country but the reality of feeling like you only partly belong to two worlds but don't completely fit into either is also part of the immigrant experience.

Alice also struggles with this as an adult - she imagines her what her (now dead) mother might think of her and her husband's return to Ireland to buy a home:

Alice Marie, ye've dyed yer hair, and ye're not a teacher. Ye lived with a man for how many years, before marrying him? Ye ran from home, moved to Greenwich Village and ye now live in a ruin in Ireland. A ruin! What can I tell them at home? I ran from Ireland to better myself in New York. And now you wind up back in County Cork, no less! Not even Kerry. Living in a ruin.

I know my mother would feel the same way - she was so intent on building a better life for herself and ultimately for her family in NY that she would struggle to understand my desire to go back to live in Ireland. She wants me to love it there and to respect where she cam from but living there is an entirely different story.

I really enjoyed this memoir and not just because I feel I share some of Alice's experience. I did expect the book to focus more on Alice and her husband's adjustment to life back in Ireland but the exploration on her childhood and her family's history was equally satisfying!

[Linda C · Rating 3 out of 5]

Alice Carey's parents emigrated from Ireland to Astoria, Queens and she is born there. Both parents are disappointed with how things have turned out. Denis Carey has turned to the bottle and is abusive. 'Big Alice' or 'Mammie' is an appeaser and sorry she left Ireland, romanticizing the past. 'Little Alice' is looking for glamor. When 'Big Alice' gets a job serving Jean Dalrymple, theatrical producer, 'Little Alice' goes there after school to help out. She gets glimpses of the luminaries of Broadway and is instructed on all the gossip by Jean's majordomo, Homer. Homer and the boys who work for Jean are all gay and Alice grows up with a large group of friends in the gay community and the theatrical world. When she is twelve her Mother takes her back to Ireland for a visit. It is not how her Mother described it and the people are not the family she had romanticized. The memoir skips between modern day Ireland where Alice and her husband are buying a 'ruin' and rehabbing it, her life in Queens and NYC, and the visit to Ireland when she was twelve. Having a grandmother from Tipperary myself, I enjoyed the parts in Ireland especially. I found I had mixed feelings about the author and often could not identify with her attitudes, although the glimpses of her life seemed very authentic.

[Andrea · Rating 3 out of 5]

A middle aged couple buys a house in Ireland for their retirement after an exciting Broadway life amongst famous actors and directors. For Alice Carey, it's a coming home of sorts, as her mother moved her to New York from Ireland seeking a better life when she was a little girl. The disease Aids has ravaged their friend group and they have the romantic dream of starting a new life in an Irish cottage. Interwoven with both happy and sad memories and humor, this book addresses the trials and tribulations of restoring a house overseas in a different culture (with things done differently). It's a very personal and entertaining memoir.

[Vicki Carbone]

I loved the use of her Yeats quotes as chapter headings. I loved her attempts to be more New York and less Irish as a child; and her desire to go HOME -- to be in Ireland -- as an adult. Even generations removed, I feel the pull at times and I suspect all Irish Americans do. Carey has an interesting style, fixing the reader in the place and time. I loved the time shifts in the book -- her use of shifting between her childhood and adulthood helped explain her and revealed her life beautifully. How sad to leave Cherry Grove. How wonderful to live in the stables close by Cork.

[Donna Jo Atwood · Rating 4 out of 5]

Alice Carey's mother (Big Alice) was Irish, but living in New York. Alice goes back to her roots and she and her husband buy a ruin in Ireland and set out to restore it. In some ways it reminded me of A Year in Provence, only with the Irish temperment somewhat akin to Angela's Ashes.

[ErinG · Rating 4 out of 5]

I liked it. Story of a New York woman, of Irish descent, who returns to Ireland to restore an old house. She explores her young life, life she is leaving behind and new life in Ireland. Its a quick read and does not go into much depth about any of these topics.

[Heather Adkins · Rating 3 out of 5]

Beautiful imagery of Ireland then and now, magnificent writing, but it seemed to be half Carey's journey to Ireland and half a name dropping of famous people she knew. That took away from the purpose of the book, in my opinion.

[Rebecca · Rating 2 out of 5]

Memoirs are difficult for me to enjoy, wanting a more linear historical narrative. I thought her stories set in New York, both as an adult on Fire Island and as a child at work with her mother in Manhattan, to be well told, more evocative and stronger than the Irish sections.

[Jacqueline · Rating 3 out of 5]

Wonderful story of a woman who finds her roots in Ireland. This book is warm,inviting, and heartfelt.I reccommend it to anyone who knows what it's like to start over.

[Jnhiggins · Rating 4 out of 5]

It takes place in Ireland and is a true story.

[Kitty · Rating 1 out of 5]

The author spends much of the book writing about her childhood in New York. I wanted more emphasis on her experience in Ireland.

[Roberta · Rating 2 out of 5]

Interesting contast between the child's view and later her view as an adult.

The book reminded me of the first time I visited Ireland.

[Janet · Rating 3 out of 5]

I was disappointed that there wasn't more about the ruined estate she bought and refurbished and less about the gay, artistic community (albeit charming) she was leaving behind.

[Kathy · Rating 2 out of 5]

This book was more about growing up in the shadow of Broadway than it was about restoring a house in Ireland. Not what I hoped for.

[tlb · Rating 4 out of 5]

Enjoyed more than I expected. Will recommend to Karen.