Goodreads helps you keep track of books you want to read.

Start by marking “Lord Willing?: Wrestling with God's Role in My Child's Death” as Want to Read:

Other editions

Enlarge cover

Rate this book

Clear rating

1 of 5 stars 2 of 5 stars 3 of 5 stars 4 of 5 stars 5 of 5 stars

Open Preview

Lord Willing?: Wrestling with God's Role in My Child's Death

Jessica Kelley (Goodreads Author)

4.48 · Rating details · 75 ratings · 20 reviews

Does God's perfect plan really include this?

When her young son was diagnosed with brain cancer, Jessica Kelley couldn't stomach Christian clichés. God's will? Divine design? The Lord's perfect plan? In Lord Willing?, Kelley boldly tackles one of the most difficult questions of the Christian life: if God is all-powerful and all-loving, why do we suffer? For Kelley, this q ...more

Get A Copy

Paperback, 256 pages

Published April 26th 2016 by Herald Press

More Details... Edit Details

Friend Reviews

To see what your friends thought of this book, please sign up.

Reader Q&A

To ask other readers questions about Lord Willing?, please sign up.

Be the first to ask a question about Lord Willing?

Lists with This Book

This book is not yet featured on Listopia. Add this book to your favorite list »

Community Reviews

Showing 1-30

Average rating 4.48 ·

Rating details

· 75 ratings · 20 reviews

More filters

Sort order

Start your review of Lord Willing?: Wrestling with God's Role in My Child's Death

Mar 23, 2016 Natacha Ramos rated it liked it

Honestly, this is book is very complex to review since there is a lot to consider.

First of all, I find the retelling of Henry's death very moving. I can see it was a heartbreaking experience and somehow this mom made me part of the good, the bad and the ugly.

I can't begin to imagine all the suffering this young family had to face, and yet they've decided to use it for a greater good, which is really inspiring.

This book also showed me it is important to judge all sermons in the light of the Word, ...more

flag 3 likes · Like · see review

May 02, 2020 Heather rated it it was amazing · review of another edition

Shelves: christianity, grief-loss, babies-parenting

This is a hard book to read and to review.

I chose it because for a long time, there were certain things I was intellectually willing to ignore to be part of a church community. I've never taken the whole Bible literally, but have appreciated it as a story that carries truth. It was not so important to me which parts of it were literally true and which were not.

I didn't really believe that everything was part of God's plan or that God caused bad things to happen to people, but I guess some part ...more

flag 2 likes · Like · see review

Apr 16, 2016 Robert Martin rated it it was amazing

A little less than four years ago, my wife was diagnosed with breast cancer. Almost 9 years ago now, my mother fell ill around mother's day with sudden onset acute pancreatitis and died 6 weeks later. Both of those situations were bathed in prayer, where we sought God's plan and purpose, and where we hoped for a miracle. However, my wife still had to face chemotherapy, radiation, and surgery... and my mother still died. And, for me, "It's all God's plan" just didn't feel like the right answer. G A little less than four years ago, my wife was diagnosed with breast cancer. Almost 9 years ago now, my mother fell ill around mother's day with sudden onset acute pancreatitis and died 6 weeks later. Both of those situations were bathed in prayer, where we sought God's plan and purpose, and where we hoped for a miracle. However, my wife still had to face chemotherapy, radiation, and surgery... and my mother still died. And, for me, "It's all God's plan" just didn't feel like the right answer. God didn't cause my mother to be ill nor did he cause my wife's cancer. And I just never felt comfortable with him standing aside, withholding help, while my mother faded into a coma and my wife faced pain, discomfort, and a radical change in her life, all for some mysterious good purpose. Why would the God I worship, revealed perfectly in Jesus who gave up his life rather than see a world suffer, in these two circumstances decide, "This time, I'll allow the suffering."

I don't claim to know the answer. God is too big for me to figure out. But Jessica Kelly, in her book "Lord Willing?" presents a different model, a different worldview than one that demands that my God somehow, even though we are told there is no darkness in him, allows bad stuff to happen. And Jessica is qualified to tell this story. She faced her own trauma in the tragic death of her four-year-old son who died from a massive and untreatable brain tumor. Her question was, "God allowed my son to endure horrendous torment and torture to teach me a lesson?" and the answer of "It's all in his plan" fell flat for her, too.

Before I get to her answer, I want to point out something. The first two-thirds of her book read more like a memoir than a theological discussion. In part one she gives testimony of her journey from a young age into motherhood, wrestling with what she terms the "blueprint worldview" of God and how it morphed and changed through her life as it just didn't always seem to fit. It is a story that, while I didn't follow it in my own life, the questions she asks are like mine. We are taught that God is good, intrinsically good, and so good that there is no darkness in him. We are taught that God's absolute essence is love. At the root of everything God does, there is love. And it is a love that we have revealed to us through Jesus to be a love so self-less, so sacrificial that God himself would rather suffer the torment of the cross than allow anyone else to suffer. And we are taught that this revelation is the clearest, most perfect, most complete revelation of God. If this is the case... how does that fit with a God who either causes pain and suffering as part of a perfect plan or allows pain and suffering as part of that plan? The answer: it doesn't. But what does?

At this point, Jessica goes into the heartwrenching story of her experience with her son. I cannot give justice to the outpouring of emotion in her story so I will not attempt it. You need to read it for yourself. But this is more than just a story to tug at your heartstrings. This is Jessica's credentials. She is basically laying it out there for the reader to see that she's coming at this question of "Why do bad things happen?" not as some sort of academic exercise but because she has a monstrously huge stake in the answer. The answer is vital to her to understand what happened to her son. If she was just someone who has experienced only the ordinary pains of normal life, I don't think she would have any place to attempt to answer the question the way she has. If anyone has the write to delve in and approach this question, she does as does any other person out there who has gone through such trauma.

Now, along with that, she is generous and compassionate in her assertions. And this goes a long way to making this not just a good book but a great one. The way she states it is that it is the victim who owns the theology, not the bystander. So, if there is someone who has found immense hope, immense victory and triumph through the blue-print worldview, this book is not for them. But if they wrestle as Jessica has wrestled (as I have wrestled), then she points out that it is at least worth considering a different way of looking at things. And what way is that?

This: that we live in a warzone. This world is in the midst of a cosmic struggle between God and other forces and wills in the world. Folks may question whether this discounts God's sovereignty and I believe Jessica gives an excellent answer. God is still sovereign. He still rules and reigns over the universe. But just as any sovereign, he's not a micro manager. He doesn't control and manipulate everyone all the time. There are other wills at work in this world, some as mundane as a human being making a choice, some a bit more esoteric such as the laws of nature acting in response to events, and some sinister, the "powers of the air" and "princes of darkness". Are they greater than God? Greater than his will? No. He is still sovereign and what he wants out of this universe WILL still happen. But, in the meantime, there is a war going on and, in a war, bad stuff happens.

But why doesn't God just step in and keep the bad stuff from happening? Again, the answer is love and Jessica very clearly points this out. Love, true love, comes from the will to love. God made a great risk in this universe when he created it with the potential for those other wills, those other free agents in the universe, to act against his will. But the risk was necessary. Without that risk of free will, true love cannot happen. Jessica's analogy of the doll who can be programmed to say "I love you" is similar to the "robot" analogy that we've heard so often. But that does not change it's truth.

But even more potent is her description of the two chess players, one who knows the programming of the game and plays based upon the predictable programming... and one who knows the possibilities of their opponent and plays considering all possible paths. Which one is the better chess player? Ask any Grand Master and they will say the latter. Knowing programmed moves only works so long as the programming never changes. But with free will, free agents in the universe with the ability to choose DIFFERENTLY, pre-programmed answers will always fail.

C.S. Lewis, in Mere Christianity, has another way of looking at it. This world is ruled by a sovereign King. But there was a rebellion, an usurper who has taken power that didn't belong. The king has returned, though, and is inviting all loyal people to join with him. In fact, that war has already been won. What we are experiencing now, what we are seeing with the evil in the world, is the desperate rear-guard action of the usurper. Evil exists, not as something that has yet to be conquered, but as something that has already lost and just doesn't know it yet. And in the midst of it, we have our loving King, doing everything he can to bring out the best in every situation. He doesn't cause the pain, but he is there in the pain. He is weeping with the mother who has lost her son. He is holding tight the woman facing the dreaded "C" word. He is in the room with the family planning funeral arrangements they never expected. And he is weeping along with them all. But he is taking that pain, and he is doing something with it.

Philip Yancey in his book, "Where is God When it Hurts?" points out that pain has a purpose, that it tells us there is something wrong that needs fixed, needs healed. People who live without pain, those suffering leprosy, end up with horrendous deformities because they don't realize that there is something wrong when they break a bone or get a cut. The same with diabetic neuropathy. Pain says, "There is something wrong here." God does not cause the pain in our lives. But he does recognize the pain as a sign of something wrong. And this is where Jessica's true power comes out. She points out that we are then invited to come along with God and join his war against pain, against tragedy, and to enter into those places of hurt and trauma and bring the healing light of hope with us. "Yes, it hurts. Yes, it's horrible. But listen - there is a God who loves you and is right there with you and he is fighting along side of you." This is our mission, to bring this hope to the world.

Our world is full of pain and tragedy. Does the Lord will it? No. I don't believe God, in his divine love, desires ANYONE to feel pain or experience tragedy. What God wills is that we know and experience his passionate, intense love for us and find hope that he is with us even in the darkest valley of despair. This is Jessica's legacy she gives in her book. Will you agree with her warfare worldview? I don't know. That's up to you. But if nothing else, if you get nothing else from her book, then at least receive the knowledge that God loves you, God weeps with you, God cares deeply enough for you to become a human being in order to rescue you from pain by becoming the pain-filled one. And ultimately, God WILL make it all right in the end. The pain is for a time but God's will is for it to come to an end. This is what the Lord is willing, that there will come a day when there will be no more pain.

This book will be released April 26th, 2016. If you have experienced pain in your life, if there is a trauma you have experienced or gone through, and you are wondering, "Where was God in my pain?"... and the answers we've been taught aren't enough for you, then you need this book.

**I received this book as a promotional preview from Herald Press with no expectation of a positivr review. The opinion is my own and I have not been compensated for it** ...more

flag 1 like · Like · see review

Mar 13, 2018 Nire rated it it was amazing · review of another edition

I cannot express enough how important this book has been to me. At the lowest point of my experience of grief and loss I was wrestling with trying to understand how a loving God could have brought my pain and suffering about. Jessica Kelley helped to rescue my strangled faith and give me renewed joy and trust in our God who is love himself. I have been able to approach my pain and run into the arms of Jesus knowing it was not caused by action or inaction of God, but that, in fact, “an enemy has ...more

flag 1 like · Like · see review

Aug 07, 2017 Curtis rated it it was amazing

Excellent book written by a mother who's child died of brain cancer at the age of four. It describes her faith journey before, during and after her child's illness and death. The author discusses the typical blueprint worldview that most Christians follow (that God is orchestrating all the details of our lives, even giving her son brain cancer). And counteracts that worldview with a warfare worldview, which allows people to maintain their faith and their passion for a loving God, even after horr ...more

flag 1 like · Like · see review

Sep 14, 2016 Tanya Marlow rated it really liked it

Shelves: 2016, christian, non-fiction, memoir

Everyone has a background theology of suffering – but does your theology hold up when you undergo major tragedy? This is the question Kelley addresses in her powerful book on God’s role in suffering. It’s a sandwich structure – theology at the start and end, and in the middle an (incredibly moving and beautifully-written) memoir of her four-year-old boy dying of cancer.

Her contention is that much Christian theology (especially conservative evangelical) overemphasises God’s sovereignty, with the ...more

flag 1 like · Like · see review

Dec 12, 2016 April Yamasaki added it

In this book, author Jessica Kelley tells the heart-breaking story of how her four-year-old son, Henry, was diagnosed with brain cancer, how he endured four surgeries in 28 days, until the best treatment option left was for his parents to take Henry home and care for him there during his final months. As they lovingly cared for their son, they also wrestled with deep questions of faith. Her account is beautifully told--personal, thoughtful, and thought-provoking, grounded in Scripture and theolo ...more

flag 1 like · Like · see review

Sep 17, 2017 Ryan Robinson rated it it was amazing

This is a fantastic book that powerfully weaves together an emotional personal story with intense biblical studies and theological discussion of the toughest challenge to belief in a loving god. Jessica's vulnerability sharing the story of Henry and how she reacted through all of it is very moving, almost pushing me to tears several times.

The theological discussions that come along with it are extremely important. Like most Western Christians, Jessica grew up with the "blueprint" version of God. This is a fantastic book that powerfully weaves together an emotional personal story with intense biblical studies and theological discussion of the toughest challenge to belief in a loving god. Jessica's vulnerability sharing the story of Henry and how she reacted through all of it is very moving, almost pushing me to tears several times.

The theological discussions that come along with it are extremely important. Like most Western Christians, Jessica grew up with the "blueprint" version of God. That comes in one of two forms: strong where God specifically wills everything, or weak where God specifically allows everything. Either way, it is usually accompanied by a claim that God is still perfectly loving even while committing acts we would call unquestionably evil if done by anybody else. She rejects this view, instead promoting a warfare worldview that acknowledges other wills exist so God does not always get what God wants. That's probably a simplistic summary, but it is an important enough idea I wanted to include it even if you don't read the entire book. That is ultimately the most important theological question: what does God look like to you? Jessica will help you see that God looks like the perfect sacrificial love of Jesus, not some chess master killing his pawns (human beings including children) as part of some bigger plan.

A couple of short sections did lag a little for me, but again, they were not enough to disrupt the book as a whole. The book works more or less chronologically, which is a logical decision but did make for a slower start because Jessica was fortunate enough to have some of the theological framework in place before Henry's tumour was diagnosed. That means the first couple of chapters were less interesting, just recounting how she learned a picture of a truly loving God rather than the blueprint God. It can similarly lag a little on some of the biblical analysis that is more detached from Henry's story, but realistically she probably couldn't have done much better within the few pages she had to work with - and of course importantly it is still good biblical analysis, even if a little rushed or detached sometimes.

In short, others may do a more thorough job of the theological discussions in the abstract, but I've never read anything close to this in terms of tying those vital theological insights to such a heart-wrenching personal story. It reminds us that theology is not abstract; it is real and affects how we live our lives. ...more

flag Like · see review

Sep 06, 2017 Yvonne Kneeshaw rated it really liked it

Although I've been a christian for a long time, I had never heard of the blueprint view and warfare view. Now that i know the difference, I realize that i have always sided with blueprint but after reading this book twice, I am beginning to realize that I also believe in parts of the warfare view. Having been chronically ill majority of my life, I used to have a picture of God beating me with physical pain but had to change that picture to one of God weeping with me instead. That I am resting in ...more

flag Like · see review

Mar 14, 2020 Peter rated it it was amazing

A great book, written in 3 parts. The first part describes her change in understanding of what God is like with backdrop the death of her young son looming in her future though not yet aware of this. The middle part is her gut wrenching story of her young sons journey which a hyper aggressive brain tumour that took his life. Oh my, I just wept. In the last part she takes on the question of where is God in our pain and tragedies. She describes what she calls the blueprint view where God controls ...more

flag Like · see review

Jul 26, 2019 Bjorn Midtlyng rated it it was amazing

This might be one of the most timely books I have ever read. Whether you agree or not with the author, she will give you so much to think about regarding everything you may have been taught about theology. The book is extremely well written and researched. Everything supported in scripture or footnoted in the back. Amazing combination of heart breaking testimony and theological research.

flag Like · see review

Oct 28, 2018 Janyne McConnaughey rated it it was amazing

Shelves: spiritual-journey

This is a must read for any who have suffered and questioned the role of God in their suffering. This book played an important role in my own journey of healing. Sometimes the simple answers we give to others who are suffering are not helpful--the author shares her journey to help us do better!

flag Like · see review

Jul 10, 2018 Renee rated it liked it

I agree with the author that God is loving and doesn't cause tragedy but I disagree with her that God is weak. Easy to read and thought provoking. ...more

flag Like · see review

May 17, 2016 Chuck McKnight rated it it was amazing

Shelves: owned-paper-books, by-female-authors

This was a hard book for me to read. It’s also a book that has desperately needed to be written.

Every time a tragedy strikes, from the death of a loved one to a natural disaster, certain well-meaning but misguided Christians assert that God is in control of the situation. There’s a hidden reason, they suggest, why God would allow (or cause) this to happen. His ways are mysterious, but he’s working it all together for good. God is apparently trying to teach us something. It’s ultimately all for h ...more

flag Like · see review

Apr 19, 2016 Wesley Rostoll rated it it was amazing

This is Jessica's testimony where she vividly retells the tragic story of her four year old son Henry's death from a brain tumor and where she explores what God’s role in that process was. The book starts with a bit of a background story as to how she went from believing that God was in total control of everything that happens on earth and that all of the pain and suffering around us was somehow allowed or designed by God to ultimately bring glory to Him. To how she eventually came to reject tha This is Jessica's testimony where she vividly retells the tragic story of her four year old son Henry's death from a brain tumor and where she explores what God’s role in that process was. The book starts with a bit of a background story as to how she went from believing that God was in total control of everything that happens on earth and that all of the pain and suffering around us was somehow allowed or designed by God to ultimately bring glory to Him. To how she eventually came to reject that views in favor of a what she calls the warfare worldview which states that although God is all powerful, He is not all controlling and does not specifically allow bad things like cancer, murder and sex trafficking to happen. This view states that the love of God demands that there was a degree of risk involved in creation. Hence the death, disease and destruction that we see all around us today are not the results of the will of God but rather the fruits of a fallen creation. For example, while Gods will can be seeing in the command “thou shall not murder”, some people choose to walk a path contrary to that will. Murder therefore is clearly not part of God's will. Throughout her testimony Jessica Kelley keeps pointing us back to Jesus, back to the cross and reminds us that the full revelation of what God is like was revealed on Calvary, this is what love looks like and she continually urges us to trust in this image of God.

The book continues with the story of the discovery of an aggressive brain tumor in her son, the treatment thereof and then finally the death of four year old Henry. It was absolutely heart wrenching to read and at times I simply had to put the book down because the emotion was just too intense for me to press onward. Jessica has done a masterful job in retelling her story, recalling the ups and the downs, the good and the bad, the beauty of life and the ugliness of death in a manner that makes Lord Willing? so very human and easy to relate to.

From there on things shift more toward a theological discussion. Things that have been mentioned briefly up until this point, whether on the side of the more traditional ‘blueprint’ worldview or the lesser known ‘warfare worldview’, both get a thorough scriptural examination. While I might disagree with or admit uncertainty about some of the ‘nuts and bolts’ of what is presented, I am in full agreement with the overall model and picture that this book provides. There is evil in this world which God is at war with. We see it in Jesus when He cast out demons, healed the sick, raised the dead and rebuked a storm. But in war bad things happen, there is pain, there is suffering and there is loss. Yet when tragedy comes we can be certain that God wins in the grand scheme of things and that while He is still opposed, He is working to bring about good even when His will is thwarted.

My hope is that this book will fall into the hands of as many people as possible because to some degree or another we all experience suffering and loss and, in those moments, what we believe about God will either push us away from or toward Him. I believe that this book is a great tool in helping people to see God more clearly, I hope that it will help people to stand against evil and say, “this is not of God” and in the midst of life’s greatest trials we can with full assurance run toward Him and know that there is comfort in His arms, that He is good, loving and trustworthy. ...more

flag Like · see review

Jul 08, 2016 Mark rated it it was amazing

This book tackles the question of God and human suffering (theodicy). When tragedy strikes and/or suffering is experienced those who claim Christianity offer and are offered many different responses. Some responses are more helpful than others, while others are downright harmful.

Jessica Kelley offers a perspective in this book on this question that is an alternative to one that is generally prevalent in today's Christianity.

She gives the common view a name: blueprint. In this view God has a deta This book tackles the question of God and human suffering (theodicy). When tragedy strikes and/or suffering is experienced those who claim Christianity offer and are offered many different responses. Some responses are more helpful than others, while others are downright harmful.

Jessica Kelley offers a perspective in this book on this question that is an alternative to one that is generally prevalent in today's Christianity.

She gives the common view a name: blueprint. In this view God has a detailed plan (a blueprint) for each person, and so everything that happens, happens for a reason. It may be to teach a lesson, to purify, or perhaps as punishment. Everything that happens (even those that are putatively said to be allowed) is ultimately willed by God to serve his purposes.

But is this the best view, or even correct? Jessica disagrees.

She offers a better view that places God's love (rather than his absolute sovereignty and/or holiness) at the center of theodicy. She terms this view the warfare view. In this model God's love is at war with evil in this world. Because God desires love to be the ultimate response to him, he cannot employ any coercive means or force to bring about his desires. Thus as part of the design of his creation, he gave up some control and risked rebellion and power to be used against him. What was seen as a risk indeed happened and that is where we are today: on the battlefield, in a war zone. Love limits what God can do, and quite often, evil has its say. But this is a war in which those who have chosen God's side fight together with him and everyone else with him against evil, in a process of taking back the world through the power of compassion, empathy, reconciliation, and love. God does not ordain or cause evil; nor does he "allow" it. There is no foreordained "reason" for bad things that happen and for suffering. But God can redeem any of these things that happen toward his greater purposes.

The first part of the book is Jessica's story about growing up in the "blueprint" theology, and how different events caused her to question it and bring her to the "warfare" view.

The second part of the book is her personal story of facing a terminal illness of her son, and how she worked through the process of tragedy and suffering.

The third part of the book is theological. She provides many reasons why the warfare view is more Christian and reflects more accurately the character of God than the blueprint view. She addresses various objections that those who hold to the blueprint model might raise.

An important consideration to keep in mind with this book is what she provides in one of the chapters: don't push this different way of seeing theodicy to someone who is grieving and is comfortable with the blueprint view. Introduce the warfare view if discomfort or questions are raised with the blueprint view, and only do so with permission.

In my own case, I grew up in a denomination that more or less taught the warfare view (under a different name), so what Jessica writes was not revolutionary or controversial. What I appreciated most was her clarity in expressing the arguments in favor of the warfare view and the sound arguments against the blueprint view.
...more

flag Like · see review

May 16, 2016 Rhonda Habel rated it it was amazing

Excellent book and so well written I felt as though I walked step by step through Jessica's journey with 4-year-old Henry in his precious life and premature death. While truly heartbreaking, through the pain and grief we are offered a deeper understanding of God's love and a theological view of suffering in which God walks side by side with us, rather than being the cause. ...more

flag Like · see review

Sep 04, 2016 Tania Harris rated it it was amazing

Outstanding!

flag Like · see review

May 13, 2016 Melanie Springer Mock rated it it was amazing

A powerful book that has helped transform my understanding of suffering and of God's continual, loving presence in the midst of pain. ...more

flag Like · see review

Brettley Ruggles rated it really liked it
Oct 27, 2016

Adrian Nester rated it really liked it
Nov 23, 2016

Cecilia Dunbar Hernandez rated it it was amazing
Apr 25, 2016

Dec 31, 2018 Jennifer added it

I would not have thought I still held a "blueprint worldview," but having it paid off so clearly, I recognized my thoughts quite a bit. I have a feeling both the familiar, heartbreaking story and the worldview shift will be sticking with me. ...more

flag Like · see review