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Being Genuine: Stop Being Nice, Start Being Real

3.98  ·  Rating details ·  656 ratings  ·  74 reviews
In this English translation of the French bestseller, readers will learn simple, practical skills to step outside of their emotional masks to live a genuine, authentic life. Teaching everyday communication skills to respectfully express true feelings and the power of requesting wants without demands or force, readers learn how to tackle life’s difficult situations and conv ...more
Paperback, 302 pages
Published May 28th 2007 by PuddleDancer Press (first published 2001)
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Average rating 3.98  · 
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 ·  656 ratings  ·  74 reviews

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Feb 20, 2016 rated it really liked it  ·  review of another edition
Shelves: non-fiction
There's many common points between this book and Marhsall Rosenberg's book since they both talk about non violent communication. But D'Ansembourg's book is more general and addresses more issues and many more situations. I realized many things as I read through this book and many time I understood why some situations could have failed in the past. The key message for me, from this book is that you have to get in touch with yourself before you can interact freely with other people. Only when you ...more
Oct 26, 2012 rated it really liked it
Re-read the book 29 Oct 2016

Still loving it!

This book reinforces the basics of Nonviolent Communication by Marshall Rosenberg. I thrive on the paradigm. The strategy of raising awareness really resonates with me. I like how the author provides step-by-step instruction with concrete examples. For instance, when making requests, include:

Observation - what we observe, hear or say
Feeling - What the observation generates
Need - What is lacking
Request - The culmination of awareness

I am inspired by the
Nov 09, 2020 rated it really liked it
A helpful tool for anyone looking to rebuild genuine relationships with space for the needs of both parties. The emphasis shifts from caretaker to caregiver, a role which underlines the joy in connecting with others without feelings of guilt or pressing responsibility. Thinking in terms of wanting instead of having to, allows you to start making the changes you want to see for yourself, both in your professional and personal life. I will definitely try and apply the 3 minutes, 3 times a day exer ...more
Radiolab asked listeners for their sex ed recommendations.

Kelly, a Radiolab listener, says, "The basic of relationship skills needed-communication!"
Simone de Vlaming
I can’t get myself to finishing this book. I felt a bit bored while reading this and I just think this wasn’t the right book for me.
Elaine Russell
May 25, 2017 rated it liked it
Shelves: personal-growth
This book caught my attention because of its title. After all, I think we’ve all been nice to please people we care about and kept our real desires hidden. By reading this, I hoped to learn how to be more affirmative and start being the “real” me.

** Read my complete review at ** 

At the core of this book, Thomas d’Ansembourg praises Nonviolent Communication. He writes that, in our society, we are raised to be ‘nice’, to be ‘good girls’ or ‘good boys’ and to adjust our b
Jan 13, 2018 rated it it was amazing
Shelves: my-top-10-books
Definitely the best book I've read this year. (Ok, I've only got finished one so far.)

If you liked "Nonviolent Communication - A Language of Love" by Marshal Rosenberg, you will love this book. It feels like a sequel, written by a practitioner of NVC who gave up a career in law to follow his passion and thus has so many stories about at-risk young people whose lives are turned around simply and without fanfare by applying NVC principles in real life. One example follows...

"As for Julian, he was
Vera Borisova
What I liked about this book is that it made me think about the underlining issues in every conflict. Most often than not we assume that the reason for our anger or dissatisfaction is that final straw, which made us flip out. But it turns out it's less about what the other person said or did and more about what we've been wanting for a very long time, but didn't allow ourselves to pursue that desire. My main take from the book will be that whenever I feel angry, I should pause for a moment and t ...more
Joe Tedesco
Feb 09, 2018 rated it it was amazing  ·  review of another edition
Shelves: spiritual
This is a great book. This could be mines the ideas and major points of mindfulness practice as well as skills and communication. Specific skills are listed in case studies and examples presented in the way of recognizing feelings and needs and expressing those feelings and needs as a response or request.

This is a great book. This could be mines the ideas and major points of mindfulness practice as well as skills and communication. Specific skills are listed in case studies and examples presente
I wanted to learn more about nonviolent communication and through reading this book I did.

Many examples and some idealism (which I always approve of) and directions for effective introspection.

I did find it difficult to grasp the point of the chapters: what does the author want to teach - what is he trying to say, because he often wanders off and at the end of a chapter I did learn a lot but could not point out the essence of the chapter.

Nevertheless the subject of nonviolent communication is in
Alex Himstead
Dec 09, 2017 rated it it was amazing  ·  review of another edition
Great book!!

This book was an incredible meditation on how to communicate well with others, how to understand others and how to understand your self. I feel that this book should be required reading for anyone going into a helping profession, and perhaps anybody who wants to have a romantic relationship. After reading this book and putting into practice some of the very simple strategies for understanding self and communicating with others my interpersonal relationships have improved and my under
Irene Allison
What a treat to read a book on NVC (non-violent communication) that has all the basic NVC ingredients but illuminates them in so many unique ways through stories of challenging human interactions. On almost every page, I've made notes and annotations for future reference because I know I'll be returning to this book again and again.

Highly recommended for anyone wanting to learn about compassionate communication or for NVCers craving more real-life examples and work-throughs.
Danette V
Dec 09, 2018 rated it it was amazing
This was a wonderful “sequel” to Dr Marshall Rosenberg’s “Non Violent Communication.” New perspectives and elaboration upon themes I’ve already studied made this a great way to continue my studies of NVC. I read it in conjunction with my NVC study group and found the discussions to really enhance the reading experience.
Dec 31, 2019 rated it liked it
Shelves: relationships
I liked this book. It was an easy read and had interesting ideas. The first few chapters where the most interesting for me. Some of the ideas helped me understand a lot of situations I've experienced in the past. After that though, the later chapters seemed a bit redundant to me.

I am definitely adding the non-violent communication method in my "mental toolbox".
Nikolai Jlebinkov
Jan 22, 2018 rated it it was amazing
Wow! Has a movement started? Because isn't a solution to 90% of humanity's problems presented in this book? "The mission of the 3rd millennium" is achievable, isn't it? Even if that sounds naive, still it's a helpful and life-changing book, that is a great guide through human interactions! ...more
Abigale Miller
Nov 22, 2017 rated it did not like it
Shelves: never-finished
This book is very similar to Marshall Rosenberg's Nonviolent Communication. Not worth reading both. ...more
Didi Schoen
I liked this book but I also found it redundant. It's an easy read and reminds us of what our Mother's said or should have said, to us as children.; Just BE Yourself. ...more
Dean Kephart
Aug 28, 2019 rated it really liked it
This is a great way to integrate Nonviolent Communication into your life.
Ivan Kosarev
Oct 24, 2019 rated it it was amazing  ·  review of another edition
Makes it to Top-5 of what I have ever read.
Anastasiia Krasnoshchek
great book, tried with advice to mend a relationship with my mother. Alas, no way. Our relationship is unrealistic to improve. I've tried a bunch of techniques, none of them work. ...more
Jul 22, 2009 rated it really liked it
"We have to be so attentive to how we enter into conversation with another person." Really enjoyed this book. It’s oriented on the basics of Non-violent communication and the principles and tips are so useful for work and personal life. He encourages his readers to use a 4-step process when communicating. Instead of just reacting to something that is being said, the person should consider the feeling this situation has produced and then the need that may be underlying this feeling and lastly und ...more
Anna Stupers
Apr 20, 2019 rated it it was amazing
I simply loved it. I’ve read this book in Dutch: “Stop Met Aardig Zijn”. I think the title of the book misguides the reader. In one of the latter chapters he does explain what he means with his title and what he means with “aardig” (not genuine). He probably should have moved that to the front or put it on the backflip.
But anyways, the book is way more about how to check in with and try to actually articulate your feelings and the underlying needs one has. The author explains we never really bee
Koen Klein Meulenkamp
Jul 15, 2015 marked it as to-read
"It's often difficult to observe peacefully, with esteem and compassion, that we aren't in agreement. Difference and therefore disagreement are frequently perceived as a threat."

"Violence, expressed within or without, results from a lack of vocabulary; it is the expression of frustration that has no words to express it."

"Feelings act like a blinking light on a dashboard; they tell us that an inner need is or is not being met."

"If we cut ourselves off from our needs, there will be a price to pay
Mar 12, 2012 rated it it was amazing
I'd like to read this book for a second time. Probably one of my favorites of the year so far. I've taken a lot of practical things from it that have improved my connection with others. The author fleshed out some things pertaining to NVC that I had not heard articulated elsewhere that were really helpful in my understanding. The beginning was a little slow for me as it goes over the basics of NVC which I've been studying for a while now, but it was important for the author to include these part ...more
Aug 06, 2012 rated it it was amazing
GREAT! This was my introduction to non-violent communication. It was easy to read and had practical applications.
Candida Stamp
Mar 03, 2013 rated it it was amazing
Recommends it for: Everyone
Shelves: non-fiction
I loved this book. It was a lot less hippy-dippy than Marshall Rosenberg's book. There was still some of that feeling, but it felt more real and relatable. ...more
Dec 25, 2013 rated it really liked it  ·  review of another edition
Apart from the fact that it reads like a 'self-help book', which I generally dislike, there are a number of amazing insights in this book. Worth ploughing through for those gems. ...more
Weberson Alves
Feb 24, 2014 rated it it was amazing  ·  review of another edition
We have to be honest with us and others. Our feelings and perceptions about live and relationship are important for a true way of life.
Mar 15, 2014 rated it it was amazing
THe best book on non-violent communication. It really opened my eyes.
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Thomas d’Ansembourg a exercé la profession d’avocat au Barreau de Bruxelles pendant cinq ans et travaillé dans une entreprise internationale comme conseiller juridique pendant dix ans. Parallèlement il s’est engagé, pendant dix ans également, en tant que responsable-animateur bénévole d’une association dans l’aide concrète aux jeunes qui connaissent des problèmes de délinquance, violence, prostitu ...more

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