Pretend I'm Not Here

by Chris Gavaler

Spending long, languid weekends in St. Thomas would seem like a dream job for most people. For single, thirty-something Ashley Farrell, however, it comes with the humiliation of having to act as chaperone for the varlous bachelor and bachelorette winners of a popular TV dating show. But this dead-end junket shows signs of new life. Between safeguarding the morals of curvaceous Melissa and voracious Randy and avoiding the diamond-dripping wife of a reputed crime boss, Ashley is attracting the serious attention of a tall, deliciously sexy stranger she met on the airplane. Things are definitely looking up! Until she discovers a dead bodyguard on the beach... Until she finds herself surrounded by FBI agents... Until she is arrested for murder... And now there's big trouble in paradise for sure!

320 pages, Mass Market Paperback

First published July 1, 2002

About the author

Chris Gavaler’s novel-in-stories SCHOOL FOR TRICKSTERS was published by Southern Methodist University Press (2011) and his romantic suspense novel PRETEND I’M NOT HERE by HarperCollins (2002). His short fiction appears in over three dozen national literary journals, including PRAIRIE SCHOONER, NEW ENGLAND REVIEW, HUDSON REVIEW, and WITNESS. He is also a four-time winner of the Pittsburgh New Works Festival’s Outstanding Playwright award. He received an MFA from the University of Virginia and is an Assistant Professor of English at Washington and Lee University in Lexington, VA.

Reviews

[Nancy H]

This is a good mystery set in St. Thomas in the Virgin Islands. When Ashley has to come to the island and act as a chaperone to a bachelor and bachelorette who are there for the show she works for, "Who Wants to be Blind Date" she doesn't expect more drama than the couple usually causes. The job itself is boring and the couple are annoying, but when she discovers a dead body on the beach, and she realizes the local cops are all crooked and looking to frame her for the murder, things get more interesting and more complicated. When she makes the mistake of thinking the good guys are the bad guys and the bad guys are the good guys, things get even worse. After a lot more murders, things eventually get figured out, but not without more drama and a surprise at the end.

[Goldrybluzco]

I picked this up at a used book store recently. What should have been a quick evening read turned into a jaw-dropping, I-can't-believe-this ever-got-published foray into the most contorted, over the top prose I have ever encountered. This book isn't just badly written, it gives mass market hacks a good name. I don't know if Ms. Gavaler was trying to caricature bad writing or if she actually aspired to some level of literary respectability. If the former, she succeeded admirably; if the latter, I suggest she consider writing under a pseudonym in the future. Or not writing at all.

Here are some random examples of the book's grating contents.

-- I pawed my way to the edge of the mattress, grunting as he dictated departure numbers.
-- The phone clattered in my ear.
-- . . . my hair . . .its brown darkened a shade by residual dampness.
-- Randy grabbed Melissa's carry-on with the suavity of a purse thief.
-- I wanted to flatten my left breast and any shards of dignity that might have survived the impact.
-- the profanity was syncopated with a reggae beat.
-- My bottle went clammy in my hand . . .
-- My lips quivered every time his touched the glass.
-- I stood up, heaving enraged breaths through my nostrils . . .
--The black and white photo made Charlotte resemble an exit on the Bronx Expressway.

I could go on in this vein, but I grow weary of reliving the ordeal. As I said, this is just a sampling of Ms. Gavaler's truly weird writing style. I've never read anything quite like it before. I think this book should be required reading in freshman English classes on how not to write. If a contest for one of the worst novels of the early 21st century were to be held, I'd definitely cast my vote to include this odd little gem.

[Shiela]

The title of the book itself is pretty mysterious and awesome, but after reading it I still can't figure out what it has to do with the story.

I like the idea of a single lady chaperon of a dating reality t.v show, that's pretty cool. Plus the mushy mysterious dude she just met in the airport, and that she thought the dude was a hit man, that is hot as hell. And then they talk again in the bar and he thought she's a hooker.. and someone died, and people thought she's a hit man working for a zillionaire, and people kinda suspects her.. that's super cool. There are a lot of things that I find pretty amazing with the story, but what I don't like about it is that, up until now I am not sure what the story is about.

I read it, I finished the book but honestly I still don't know what it was all about. The writing style of Chris Gavaler is weird. It's all over the place. Even the dialogues are all over the place. I don't know who's talking, who said that, what she said or whatever. I feel stupid. Maybe I am, but UGH. I don't know.

There are a lot of things to be interested in in this book but the plot is lacking. I don't know what I'm missing. It's just... incomplete. I don't understand the big picture she's trying to draw.

[Margaret]

Well..... I loved the idea of the dating game TV show and the Caribbean setting was lovely to picture but I had a lot of problems with the plot. I found big chunks of the plot hard to believe and the main character, Ashley, alternated between ignorance and naiveness or acting with the conniving knowledge of an undercover agent - in a word, annoying. The happy ending was also unsatisfactory to me as everything was sewed up nicely. While this book was readable and entertaining in a fantasy sort of way, I guess it wasn't quite my cup of tea!

[Patty]

This book clearly illustrates that I am incapable of leaving unfinished a book that I purchased which I clearly dislike. With a library book, I can delude myself by returning it with the promise that I will check it out again and finish it someday. So, not only did I waste money on this book, I wasted my time.

[Tracy]

I like to read books like this while vacationing in the Caribbean.