The Gift of Caring: Saving Our Parents from the Perils of Modern Healthcare

by Marcy Cottrell Houle

In this book, author and biologist Marcy Houle shares her personal journey of caring for her father, a surgeon, who developed Alzheimer's disease, and later her mother, who succumbed to other medical conditions. Like many children of aging parents, Marcy often felt powerless traveling this sad trajectory--watching them fall through the cracks of a fragmented and confusing healthcare system, where professionals often wrote off their symptoms as just old age. The tragic secret? According to coauthor and geriatrics physician Elizabeth Eckstrom, these symptoms frequently are not just old age. Rather, the problem is that the current healthcare delivery model for older people is ill-equipped to provide the comprehensive, person-centered care seniors need. Today, thousands of aging people face unnecessary suffering, hospitalizations, nursing home stays, and even death due to complications that could have been prevented or treated. The Gift of Caring reveals these pitfalls and provides families with tools they can use to avoid them. Dr. Eckstrom shares professional medical insights into what Marcy could have done to safeguard her parents and shows how we can become our loved one's best advocate.

Genres: Health, Nonfiction, Health Care

324 pages, Hardcover

Published July 1, 2015

Reviews

[Kathryn · Rating 5 out of 5]

I think it is up there with Atul Gawande's book Being Mortal. I've read a number of books on dementia, aging parents, and alzheimers. The authors presented both a warm and heartfelt personal story along with a doctor's recommendations on pitfalls to avoid and ways to navigate the system.

[Colleen · Rating 4 out of 5]

This is an excellent book. I'd recommend it to everyone in middle age and up, or anyone in a care-giving or even care-getting situation. I learned a lot about how much advocacy is necessary for someone with diminished capacities (mental and/or physical) and how important it is to be prepared and to understand the medical system. It is a bit scary to learn, but absolutely necessary. She notes that there are not enough geriatricians out there for all the need, especially as boomers get older. For example, I wasn't aware (and, it turns out, many doctors aren't aware) that liver changes as we get older mean that people's bodies process medication differently, and therefore some medications are contraindicated simply by age. We need doctors trained in these things (i.e., geriatricians) to take care of people over the age of 65. This book is helpful for navigating the aging process and its intersection with the world of medicine, both when taking care of others and when taking care of ourselves as we get older.

[Kelly Fulghum · Rating 5 out of 5]

If you have aging parents, you MUST read this book. I thought I would have to force myself to turn the pages. Much to my surprise, I could not turn the pages fast enough. The story Marcy shares about caring for her parents is a lovely story. Interspersed between parts of Marcy’s story is a short commentary from the second author, Elizabeth, a gerontologist. I learned so much and feel better prepared to help my parents navigate their medical experiences. The subtitle - Saving Our Parents from the Perils of Modern Healthcare - is exactly what this book will assist you in doing. Please read this book.

[Joan Fung-Tomc · Rating 5 out of 5]

Book interspersed of caregiving of author (Marcy Contrell Houle) for her parents, with helpful medical advice from geriatrician (Elizabteh Eckstrom).

[Ben · Rating 5 out of 5]

I read this book from a social work perspective having worked in acute care as part of the care team in many discharges (to home and short-term rehab) and inpatient geri-psych admissions. I witnessed the complexities of each patient’s experience. Some went well, but some did not. When it did not go well, the patient and family suffered unnecessarily.

What makes this book so good is the honest witness of Marcy’s experiences with her parents during their final years. Marcy shows how powerless a caregiver can feel in the face of the medical system and how important it is for caregivers to be informed advocates for their loved ones. Marcy also shows the roller coaster ride of being a caregiver, both in terms of caring for a parent and the effects of being a caregiver on the family.

In addition to Marcy’s powerful witness, Dr. Eckstrom’s expert interpretations of Marcy’s experiences provide important context and guidance for readers to take away in their own lives, whether that be as caregivers for loved ones or professionals entrusted with the care of someone’s family member.

As a social worker, I have many takeaways from The Gift of Caring. Perhaps the most important among the many is the absolute necessity to be a professional that is warm and compassionate. Many of Marcy’s negative experiences with social workers, doctors, and nurses started off with a cold business-as-usual encounter that set the interaction off on a negative path. It’s vital to listen mindfully, be inclusive of all input, and be the advocate the family needs.

[Carye Bye · Rating 5 out of 5]

I got this book for my mom since she's a retired nursing professor and has focused on end of life decision making. Before sending it in the mail, I read it first. Wow, I have to say I learned a lot and also felt a real sadness about our health care system "the perils of modern healthcare." It's not a surprise but just sad and too bad--and frankly killing people who aren't ready to go.

Marcy tells the story of her parents and all the fighting she had to do to advocate for them as people as they needed more and more care as they age. I mentioned to my husband who has worked in nursing home before and said you might want to read it. And he said, oh I lived it. He did! He worked two months at a local nursing home and saw so many corners being cut and such poor care. It's just sad. I mean we will all get old one day. Why do we allow this in society???

Thanks Marcy for writing this book. It's really well written, made me tear up a few times, and is about the heart of life... taking care of your loved ones and making sure they are comfortable until they die. The interludes after each personal memoir style piece from MD Elizabeth Eckstrom make this book a useful tool to look to as one personally is dealing with similar issues. Also at times the book is as funny as poignant. Between painful tears and anguish you have to stop and find the humor in life. Or it is too much. But in Marcy's journey with her parents, it was a lot of unnecessary pains. But luckily she found some great caring people to help along the way as well.

[Andee · Rating 5 out of 5]

I wish this book would have been around when my parents were caring for my grandparents - now I'm so glad I have it for when I will care for my own parents. Marcy's story is so important. She went through hell so we don't have to. Dr. Eckstrom gives great advice in layman's terms. Everyone should have this as a reference.

[Sue · Rating 5 out of 5]

Everyone should read this book!

[Donn Lee · Rating 5 out of 5]

Back when I was in secondary school, a teacher told me that we shouldn't take as gospel all that we read. "Question the author," my teacher said, "and ask questions. Do not take it that whatever is written must be true."

Back then, I had thought that if somebody would go through the trouble of writing a book, surely that book has got to true. Surely sufficient research would have gone into it such that it could be published?

As I got older, and read a lot more, and realised how many books I actually disagreed with, and how some books can be pure rubbish, I finally understood what my teacher said. It was a paradigm shift.

This book was similar. I trust(ed) doctors. I trust(ed) hospitals. After reading this book, I don't know. Medical experts may not really be experts, or they may be experts but if they don't really empathise or care for you or their patient, then the level of care can be dramatically low.

Definitely worth reading - opens your mind to the harsh realities of medical care out there.

[Jennifer · Rating 5 out of 5]

I picked this book up based on a friend's recommendation- she thought it might be helpful for Rick's sister who is taking responsibility for their parents. It is both a memoir of Marcy Houle's personal experience supporting her father who is diagnosed with Alzheimer's in his late 70s and then her mother who has different health issues. Interspersed between each chapter, a doctor writes some analysis and suggestions on how to deal with each phase or situation. The book is quite eye opening and useful not just for caretakers but in preparation as one ages and may need to make some decisions on where and how to age, decisions that are easier to think about when it's not imminent!

It's a very easy book to read- It moves along and doesn't belabor the points. Having the medical perspective is quite helpful as well. It does not make me look forward to getting old though!

[Dorothy Presnell · Rating 5 out of 5]

This a must read book for anyone who is caring for aging parents, spouse or those who are over 65. The author tells about her parents and how she cared for them when their health started to fail. The frustrations she had with various health care professionals, hospitals, and nursing homes. How as a caregiver for her parents she was also trying to take care of a family and work and began to have burnout and her health was at risk. The co author of the book gives great advice on things like what medications are bad for the elderly, exercise and diet information and much much more.

[Becky · Rating 5 out of 5]

Excellent in so many ways. Navigating the healthcare system with a failing parent can be a frightening and discouraging thing. I've experienced a few of the same issues with my parents that the author shared - at home, in the hospital and in residential care. I appreciated the juxtaposition of Houle's personal experiences with the excellent advice of Dr. Eckstrom. Read this book if you will be helping a parent through their aging process.

[Anne Green · Rating 4 out of 5]

An important read for anyone concerned about the care of ageing parents or concerned about their own fate when age and illness make it difficult to cope. Frightening statistics about the widespread lack of knowledge and expertise in geriatric medicine across the healthcare system, especially in hospitals and nursing homes which make it essential that we learn as much as possible about the potential dangers and how to mitigate them.

[Lettie Loo · Rating 5 out of 5]

This was a great read, especially having elderly parents. While I was familiar with a lot of what was presented, I walked away learning a lot.
The format of the book was great. A few chapters by Marcy detailing her journey with her parents, followed by an explanation on the ins and outs of the medical and geriatric side of things, was a great format.
I highly recommend this for ANYONE with aging parents.

[Betty · Rating 5 out of 5]

When I finished this book, I felt like I should send Marcy and her family a sympathy card as I felt so involved in the memoir.
Wonderful job combining Marcy Houle’s story of her parents along with the advice from expert Elizabeth Eckstron, MD, MPH.
I will certainly be passing this book along to my daughter to read.

[Abra Smith · Rating 4 out of 5]

I would recommend this book for anyone over 60, especially if you have aging parents. My mother has experienced many of the same maladies that affected the author with her parents. The book is very readable but with excellent helpful health information and guidance on things that we can do to navigate the system.

[Jenny · Rating 5 out of 5]

This book really hits home and I hope people read it because it provides such good information. Marcy’s story is every daughter’s story and the added “What I Wish I’d Known” advice from Dr. Eckstrom is very informative. This is a must read book for all of us as we age or guide loved ones to a “good ending.”

[Naz Z · Rating 5 out of 5]

Heartbreaking and super informative of the current healthcare situation for the elderly, and with the way things are going, foreshadows how much worse it can get without proper geriatrics care. In high school i volunteered in geriatrics but I never considered myself maybe working there in the future until this book, upsetting how little advocacy and empathy remains for the elderly.

[Melissa Lim · Rating 5 out of 5]

A very touching and insightful read. The story is a very personal one and I feel so grateful that the author has opened up to share her whole experience. I actually wish there could be a similar book written in the context of my own country - it would certainly be invaluable to many families

[Dawn Horne · Rating 5 out of 5]

This book should be read by anyone who is in their 50’s to learn about how to take care of their aging parents as well as for themselves as we age. A true problem in this country with not enough Geriatricians.

[Barb · Rating 4 out of 5]

A hard read but full of helpful information. Definitely worth reading as we prepare to help loved ones go through their final years.

[Jeanne Yu · Rating 5 out of 5]

Read this a number of years ago. Super helpful, practically and emotionally finding your way through

[Peggy · Rating 5 out of 5]

Well written, easy to read and so important. This is a love story really of a daughter caring for her parents in their later years and how ill equipped and clueless our hospitals and nursing homes are when it comes to the elderly. The chapters alternate between the daughter's story of caring for her father and then her mother and the medical facts and recommendations on staying healthy dealing with different health concerns. I can't recommend it highly enough not only for lay people but all those in the health care field who care for those over 65 years of age.

[Jenny · Rating 5 out of 5]

I so appreciated this book. I learned things, ideas were affirmed and I was caused to think. The narrative back and forth between a daughter of an aging parent and a physician allowed for emotions, facts, and insight to flow in a way that had me anxious to read the next chapter. This is a book for everyone to read if you have an aging parent or if you are aging or if you have children that might walk with you through the aging process ... that's pretty much everyone! Thank you for sharing your story Marcy Houle!

[Eileen · Rating 4 out of 5]

The is a difficult but important subject -- brace yourself before beginning -- & the authors do an excellent job of handling it. The part written by a daughter caring for her aging parents is warm, moving, at times humorous, often piercing. The part written by a doctor is informative, well-organized, realistic, practical. Together, they offer facts, personal experience, & encouragement for all of us on our "last journey"..... even if we don't quite want to admit it.

[Karla · Rating 5 out of 5]

Part memoir and part guidebook, this is a compassionate and dignified account of the author's journey as a caregiver for her parents in their final years. She includes helpful templates for organizing information. A useful resource for those wanting to make wise choices either for themselves as they age or for their aging loved ones.

[Carol · Rating 5 out of 5]

My Book of the Year.
I rarely read nonfiction
This book was so good. It came out of no where and opened my eyes.
I ordered the book in hardback after I read the Kindle so I could loan it to people without Kindles.

If you are approaching old, or love someone who is, read this book.

[Diane · Rating 4 out of 5]

This book is a must read for anyone facing the care of their elderly parents. It may even be applicable for spouses in this situation. Very informative. One of the only books I've been unable to put down at night, wanting to see what happens to the author's parents.

[Doug Niehus · Rating 5 out of 5]

We all go through this at some point. This is the best guide to caring for parents I have seen. As a physician I find helping folks through this stage where we are all looking for meaning especially satisfying. We all do the best we can and this book will help make it as enjoyable as you can.

[Cynthia · Rating 5 out of 5]

Everything you wish you'd known beforehand. But what happens to those of us who don't have rock-solid marriages, high incomes, good health insurance, and devoted/resourceful/clever children??? Remind me to get my Advance Directive done.