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352 pages, Hardcover
First published May 3, 2016
My heart is crushed within me, Here is the truth: You made me love you-your eyes and mouth and voice. You pulled me into your heart. You don’t want me there and I don’t want to be there, but it’s where I will always live.
I kneel to help, accepting a thank-you from the boy’s harried-looking mother. When we finish, I edge Sam’s hard stomach with my elbow, trying to play off his sudden nervousness. “Don’t get any ideas, Sam Bennett. I just want to hang out.”
Pink splashes over his cheekbones as he throws up his hands in surrender. He smiles that lopsided grin. “I wouldn’t dream of getting any ideas.”
-
“Okay, I would dream of getting ideas.”
As I adjust the temperature on the oven and listen to Mom as she finally trudges up the stairs, I think about what Hadley said about wanting something you don’t even believe is possible. I wonder now whether she was really talking about a happy ending or whether she was just talking about the kind of life where you don’t have to fight so hard to feel at home with your own family.
My arms go around her and she sort of melts into me. I rest my cheek on her head and we just stand there, wordless. I let myself imagine a different life with her, free of knots and lies and little slips of paper. I let myself believe what feels true-that she’s just a girl and I’m just a boy and we want to be together. We couldn’t not be together, because being together was the only thing that made sense. The only thing that kept us from both disappearing.
Her movement startles me out of my fog, and I turn to look at her. A lawnmower cranks up next door and we sit in its rumble as I try to figure out why the hell I’m so furious with Josh, want to slash Sloane’s tires, want to crush every guy who even looks at Hadley below the neck.
And everything slows down.
Crash.
In Romeo and Juliet, stars didn’t cross. They collided.
Game over.
Hadley slides the paper across the table.
I don’t need to look at it.
I know what it is.
Crash.
And that’s when I know I’ve finally lost this battle with myself. I don’t care who I am. I don’t care what our parents did or how I’ll explain everything to her. I only care about being with her, right now up on this hill. I feel her in my gut and in my bones and that deep, hollow place in my chest.
Relief pours through me, and suddenly I need him closer. Unlike with josh or any other guy, it’s not about filling some void or only having fun. It’s about Sam. It’s about me. It’s an overflow of whatever this unspoken unseen thing is between us, and I realize that I do want it. I want him.
“The old Hadley believed in romance and lasting love. Craved it, would wait a lifetime for it, same as Kat. The new Hadley knows better.”
“Once something breaks, you can never put it back together like it was. There will always be cracks and glue stains and uneven surfaces.”
"It's not too late. "2.5 stars
“And what did you say back?” I ask.
“I said thanks.”
Again, I let my eyebrows do the talking.
“What?” she says. “That’s a lot for me. Plus, I got flustered. He was just standing there, smiling down at me, and his chest and stomach were all wet and slippery-looking and there were little drops of water on his lower lip, just hanging there, and—oh my God, what is so funny?”
“Nothing, nothing!” I laugh into my hands. “You’re just so hilarious when you get all hot and bothered about Rob. It’s as if you’ve spent your pubescent years underground and have just now been set loose. Hide your teenage sons, Woodmont! Rawr!”