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Discipline without Damage: How to Get Your Kids to Behave Without Messing Them Up
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Discipline without Damage: How to Get Your Kids to Behave Without Messing Them Up

3.80  ·  Rating details ·  229 ratings  ·  34 reviews
A child psychologist equips parents with tools to manage behavioral issues more effectively while supporting their child’s healthy, natural development.


When your child is threatening a meltdown in the grocery aisle, is it really possible to keep your cool, correct the behavior, and reinforce healthy development, all at the same time? In this easy-to-read, science-based bo
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Paperback, 240 pages
Published January 1st 2016 by LifeTree Media
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Average rating 3.80  · 
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 ·  229 ratings  ·  34 reviews


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Wren
Feb 03, 2016 rated it really liked it
This book is not well written. In places, it is exceptionally irritating and even embarrassing to read. For example, there is a very long section (most of chapter four) where the author seems to think that she is talking about something other than her slightly creepy schoolgirl crush on the guy who runs her gym, but she isn't. It's so awkward.

Quite a lot of the book is taken up with convoluted analogies that do not succeed in clarifying or explaining anything. It reads as if the author was tryi
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Danielle
Jan 14, 2016 rated it really liked it
My only bone to pick is personal. I would have loved an adapted kids section for us parenting kids with special needs. My youngest has autism and still has meltdowns in school and public. The rest of the book was eloquent and made me feel better as a mom.
Klancy
Aug 23, 2018 rated it really liked it
4.5 stars- I really enjoyed this, especially the chapter on "Hulking It Up." My favorite quote from the book, "The results may not be visible immediately, and this could not be more true than for the exceptional child, but the results will be visible eventually. The focus must always be on the greater purpose of growing up the child in the best possible way rather than on finding him behaving well right now. The goal is optimal development, not good behavior, for with optimal development, good b ...more
Helena
I may just not be in a good place for this book right now--I found the first part, what I got through anyway, so guilt-inducing that I had to just stop. I was looking for advice on more positive discipline tips (a la Dr. Markham) but this wasn't working for me. ...more
Marlee
Jun 20, 2016 rated it liked it
3.5 stars. The ideas presented are solid, but the writing leaves something to be desired. Peaceful Parent, Happy Kids (by Dr. Laura Markham) is much better read.
Heike Lttrr
Mar 29, 2019 rated it really liked it
So I picked up this book because my partner and I are thinking of having a kid(s), and I spent the last 9 years or so (most of my 20s) thinking that I wouldn't have them (for a few different reasons I won't get into here), so at some point in the past few months I realized, wow, I know nothing. So, now that having my own kid(s) is becoming more of a possibility, I recognized that I needed to do some homework to wrap my mind around the idea of what it means to help grow up a small person, wheneve ...more
Mrs Waring
Apr 27, 2018 rated it it was ok
The basic premise of the book is that if you parent by connecting with your kids rather than making them afraid of arbitrary consequences, that you will raise a secure child who will intrinsically do what is right. This part is positive, but I have a few problems with the book itself. Firstly, I thought some parts could have been a lot shorter. Secondly, I found some of the explanations to be a little condescending and shame-inducing, despite the author stating her intention to not induce guilt ...more
Leah
Aug 13, 2017 rated it it was amazing
Shelves: non-fiction
I'm sorry to say that it took this book to help me realize that I didn't have to always be the guideline enforcer for my kids. This book is filled with suggestions and answers on, what I consider, best parenting practices full of love and understanding, putting the kid first before the judgmental eyes of society, and really being the person your kids (and, it turned out, also myself) need you to be. It's completely changed the way I interact with my family and even friends and strangers. So glad ...more
Barrette Plett
Apr 28, 2019 rated it it was amazing
This book is accessible, science-based, and offers clear, practical advice on how to better support challenging kids and the developmental reasons why traditional approaches are ineffective and damaging.
Tiffany Rounds
I had to put it away. I tried so hard to stick with it, but I couldn't. I found the book to be horribly written and awkward. I did not feel inspired, but to the contrary, I felt miserable. ...more
Eric
Jun 15, 2020 rated it it was ok
There are some good ideas in this book, but many of her theories fall flat. The author presents unsupported claims and straw man arguments throughout the book, so while the practical suggestions can seem worth giving a try, I don't see any actual evidence-based backing.

One main point the author presents is her concept of "hulking up" to convey authority to a child. Let's first take issue with this phrase itself. Doesn't the comic book character become the Hulk when he loses control of his anger?
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Janet
Oct 24, 2018 rated it really liked it
A really excellent method to get your children to behave without ruining them. A lot of what she writes in the book is exactly the way I feel about discipline that you cannot separate the child from the most important person in his/her life, you, and expect them to behave. They want to please you and it is our job to understand what is going on in their brains so we can help them be their best selves. We do this by seeing what they do, then understanding why, then reacting in a way that will hel ...more
Holly Anderson
Aug 03, 2020 rated it really liked it  ·  review of another edition
The ideas within this book are good.
I did however find that the author doesn’t seem to empathise with parents as much as she could; she can come across as though she’s just telling all parents to work harder despite the pressures of society/life nowadays. It is our job as parents to raise good, happy, healthy kids - we know this - and we are trying hard - why do you think we are reading/listening to this book?!
Cherisse
Feb 24, 2021 rated it really liked it
Shelves: self-help, kids
Really appreciate the sentiment and science in this book. I've recommended it many times just based on the knowledge I received in early chapters regarding connection-based parenting and discipline. At times it's hard to read; run on sentences and content stretched. Really dislike the "hulk it up" metaphor referring to Big People exuding confidence. The writing could be better but the content is crucial to growing up healthy little people. ...more
Laura
Mar 24, 2018 rated it liked it
The concepts in this book are good with the focus and basis of discipline coming from a place of connection first, however I was not a fan of the authors writing style and felt that there was an undertone of judgment in her writing.
Kimi
Jun 19, 2019 rated it it was amazing
This book explains the science behind why children behave the way they do at each stage of development. I need to buy this book as many times as I have read it. I don’t think I added it last year to my books read.
Amy Crawford
May 22, 2020 rated it really liked it
I picked up this book at a lecture with Dr. Vanessa Lapointe. I thoroughly enjoyed her talk and I am completely on board with her attachment parenting methods. While I love the ideas, I found the writing to be lacklustre and I had a hard time getting through this book.
Armen Ayrapetyan
Dec 23, 2017 rated it liked it
Shelves: psychology, education
This book could be 40 pages. The idea is not bad, but it's stretched. ...more
Numa Ali
Can be repetitive and redundant in some parts, but sheds light on some important points.
Rebecca
Sep 07, 2020 rated it it was amazing
I found this book really inspiring and useful as a mum of 2. Can see me reading a few more times over the coming years.
Charlotte
Feb 08, 2021 rated it it was amazing
Really enjoyed this as an audio book. Gave me a lot to think about and cemented my ideas on how I want to parent my three year old.
Jessica
Mar 01, 2017 rated it it was amazing  ·  review of another edition
Change is good

This book gives a different perspective on child rearing, and I liked it. The author is a child psychologist who delves into the topic of disciplining. without messing up your kids (hence the title). Do what is best for your child, hold your temper, and always be it for your child. Besides the book having the parent appear as a super hero 24-7 I learned a lot. Sometimes our kids act out because they are going through a tough time, are exhausted, hungry, frustrated etc. Instead of u
...more
Josie Smith
Mar 06, 2017 rated it really liked it
This book was clear and easy to read. It may have been a weird choice for my first parenting book, but I'm grateful to go in with this perspective. The book is based on an attachment theory of parenting, and everything felt intuitively true, but I am sure I will need to go back to this to remind myself of her strategies once my kids start to age. The one complaint I have about the book is that she writes for a reader with an assumed knowledge of child development. I don't yet have kids and hadn' ...more
Candie
Jun 02, 2018 rated it really liked it
Difficult rate for me because I loved the ideas in this book. I'm a strong believer in discipline through connecting with your child and raising them to be the kind of people who know how to stay calm and make good decisions because they want to and that's how they think, instead of because they are scared to do the wrong thing because they might get in trouble. Sometimes this method can seem a lot slower going and I find myself wondering am I doing this right? Do I need to be more tougher on my ...more
Kari
Dec 15, 2016 added it
Shelves: 2010-to-2020-ad
I didn't love everything about this book (mostly the particular scripts she uses, which I've seen others complain about). So just get your own scripts. And there might be one or two other things I can't think of now that I kind of just raised my eyebrows, but most of this is very accurate. Thank you! And since I learned about this book through a great series of accidents, I'll just put the stamp of my own on the experience, adding it to my growing experience that there are no coincidences, altho ...more
Gayle
Mar 16, 2016 rated it did not like it
Obviously from all of the glowing reviews, this is a great book for some people, but it wasn't for me. Full disclosure, I didn't finish it, so maybe I missed something, but I just didn't find any discipline in it. The message seems to be that if you constantly monitor your child's emotional state and be what they need, they'll feel loved and connected enough to not misbehave. The author doesn't promise easy solutions or even really any tips, so fair enough, I guess. Several examples involved way ...more
Greg Schmidt
May 18, 2016 rated it it was amazing
Science-based practical perspective on addressing children's needs, focused on the long term results over short term discipline. Presents a framework for understanding how to approach challenging behavior before it happens, while it happens and after it happens in a way that is not damaging to child, parent or their relationship. If you're looking for tools and resources to put your child first, this may seem to be a challenge to so called tried and true traditional methods, which is exactly why ...more
Andrea
May 13, 2016 rated it it was amazing
This book really spoke to me as a parent. I think everyone needs to find a parenting styles that works with who they are and what their kids need. Parenting through connection is a philosophy that meshes well with my personality. If you are tired of yelling, don't feel that time outs work, or want to strengthen the bond you have with your children, this is a must read. ...more
Maria
Heck no I didn't finish this book! I don't think I'm the target audience. It used quite a bit of fear inducing tactics. ...more
Jennifer Lindquist
Apr 23, 2017 rated it liked it
Loved the ideas in the book although it was not written/organized very well. The first half was guilt-inducing and dragged on. Had to get about 3/4 of the way through to see how this approach is actually put into practice.
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