Black Plastic

by Ryan Kirtz

The clock is ticking. In forty-eight hours time, all of humanity will join an alien race known as the Danklowd as they are assimilated into their Galactic Fellowship. This is good news for everybody except four 19 year-old nerds, Corbin, Ryan, Bill and Shane, who have overheard a rogue sect of the Danklowd planning to overthrow their leaders and enslave humanity instead. Desperate to show the aliens something that will make them leave humanity behind, the boys embark on a perilous quest to collect the Seven Forbidden Films, VHS copies of the seven worst movies ever made that were scattered across the world to the few remaining Hollywood Video stores in existence. But are these just simple movies, or do they contain a more destructive power? Along the way, they meet an eclectic cast of characters ranging from Stephon, an enigmatic Hollywood Video employee that helps the boys in their quest, to General Steve, a Nazi commander in the German army who may or may not be an anthropomorphic walrus. Trying to stop the boys at every turn are Project F***, a team of government agents consisting of Sigourney Weaver, James Cameron, and five other actors spanning the entire Alien franchise. With the odds stacked against them and life as they know it on the line, these joke-cracking, cannabis-smoking, movie-referencing losers have just two days to save the world. Also, there’s time travel. And a crab. CONTAINS ADULT CONTENT

306 pages, Paperback

First published April 24, 2015

About the author

Critically acclaimed Vine celebrity Ryan Kirtz (1995-) was born in St. Paul, Minnesota, the 66th most populous city in America. One year later, he became one year old. Only a year after that, he became two years old, etc. After nineteen of these "years" had elapsed, Ryan realized that he needed a hobby of some sort to give legitimacy to his abhorrent and pretentious personality, so he took up writing. Instead of using his gift of language to create thoughtful commentaries on the issues facing the world, or enlightening his audience with thought-provoking literature, he writes comedy crap. Ryan has never married, as he does not require a lover. Instead, he reproduces asexually through mitosis. He has a lower-back tattoo that reads "Surfbort. Popcorn. Wet Floor. Transform." in fancy calligraphy. He claims that his favorite drink is "his next one".

Reviews

[Donnie Burgess · Rating 4 out of 5]

Black Plastic by Ryan Kirtz was an … interesting book. When I began to read it, I thought it was certainly going to be a single star. However, as I read, I found it funny enough to keep turning the pages. Kirtz dances the line of comic genius and idiot very well. Just when I would think I had figured out which he was, the events would make me question my decision. I mulled over how to rate it for a couple of days before deciding to rate it ★★★★☆ but with the caveat that it only earned those four stars for a very narrow audience. Did you like Airplane!? If so, this book might be for you! Hate spoofs? Better stay away from this one.

See the full review here: Donnie J Burgess