Men Who Can't Love

by Steven Carter

An examination of the dynamics of male-female communication examines male-commitment phobia and explains how women can recognize early warning signs, determine a man's willingness to change, and avoid unnecessary heartache. Reprint.

Genres: Self Help, Psychology, Relationships, Nonfiction, Love

336 pages, Mass Market Paperback

First published November 30, 1986

About the author

Steven A. Carter is an American author of non-fiction, self-help and humor.

A distinguished graduate of Cornell University, member of the Quill and Dagger society, and winner of the William K. Kennedy Dean's Prize for extraordinary academic achievement, Steven A. Carter also holds a Master's Degree in Education and a Master's Degree in Psychology.

Steven Carter was born in New York City and raised in New Hyde Park, New York. He is the author of twenty-seven books, including the New York Times bestseller "Men Who Can't Love" (with co-author Julia Sokol), "What Smart Women Know", and seven other National Bestsellers. Carter coined the phrase "Commitmentphobia" in 1987. He and Sokol are recognized as two of the foremost authorities on the subjects of commitment, fear of commitment, attachment disorders, and narcissistic personality disorder.

In the winter of 2007 "What Smart Women Know" was released in Brazil by Editora Sextante, the publishing company founded by brothers Marcos and Tomas Pereira. "What Smart Women Know" spent 110 weeks on Brazil's top-ten bestseller lists, at one point being the #2 selling book in all of Brazil. "Men Like Women Who Like Themselves" was released in mid-2008 and spent 45 weeks on Brazil's bestseller lists. The Brazilian edition of Men Who Can't Love" was released by Editora Sextante in late 2009, followed by "The Secrets of Self-Esteem" in May 2010 and "This Is How Love Works" in September 2011.

Editora Sextante has sold over two million copies of these Carter/Sokol titles in Brazil since the first release. Editora Sextante is most well known in Brazil for their books by the Dalai Lama, Augusto Cury, and, most recently, Paulo Coehlo.

Prior to beginning his career as an author, Steven Carter was the Director of Tennis at the world-renowned Little Dix Bay Hotel in the British Virgin Islands and Head Tennis Pro at the Dorado Beach Resort in Dorado Beach, Puerto Rico. It has been suggested that some of his Carter's early insights into relationships were formulated during those years. He has also written extensively about the stages of healing he experienced through almost twenty years of his own deeply personal work.

Reviews

[Carol Waters · Rating 5 out of 5]

Read the book on an airplane, ended the relationship when I got off, saved my life.

[Tripleguess · Rating 5 out of 5]

After reading this, I want to bring back tar-and-feathering. Or at least duels. I bet any commitmentphobic would think twice about destroying some poor woman's life if he thought he might face actual, immediate consequences for his unbelievably unfair and selfish behavior.

I know someone's gonna leave a snarky comment (which I won't read) that women deserve at least part of the blame for being so needy, yada yada -- listen, even if that were so, that doesn't make this caddish male behavior okay, and since the MAN is the initiator in most of these cases, and he is also usually a consummate LIAR, the most their victims can be blamed for is 1) believing them -- naive perhaps, but not a crime and 2) not caring for themselves first -- the very thing society generally does NOT encourage women to do.

Practicing "The Rules," while not a guarantee, would lessen the chance of serious damage. In fact, this book has its own set of "Rules to protect yourself from this stuff" in the back. Interesting.

[Gretchen · Rating 3 out of 5]

Again with the relationship books... Usually I don't bother to post reviews of these types of books. But here we go.

This book offers some insight into why some men are unable to commit. It also gives clues as to how you might be able to tell if the man you are dating is commitment-phobic. The authors give lots of examples of men who were commitment-phobic and how this affected their relationships with women.

I read this book hoping that it would give me some suggestions about how I could get my particular commitment-phobic man to commit. Unfortunately, commitment-phobia is not that easily dealt with, and obviously a person isn't going to change unless they want to, as this book points out.

One thing that was an eye-opener for me in my particular situation is learning that a commitment-phobic is also unable to commit to saying "no" to a relationship. This is probably why some commitment-phobic relationships go on for far too long.

The most important thing I think women can take away from this book is that the man's inability to have a relationship has nothing to do with the woman, and everything to do with his own personal issues with commitment. This has been a comfort to me, just knowing that it's not me and that there is really nothing I can do to change him. Just let it go and move on!

[Beth · Rating 5 out of 5]

The title of the book screams "cheesy and awful and terrible." The publishing date screams "Totally irrelevant." But ignore all that, and you will find the perfect survivor's guide for anyone who has been in a relationship with a commitmentphobe. The book shows that there are many ways for a man to be a commitmentphobe; it doesn't always mean not committing to marriage, sometimes it's as simple as not returning a call after an amazing first date. I read this book after trying to determine why a guy would --at his own suggestion -- introduce me to his parents, only to dump me in a few week's time. It was absolutely instrumental in helping me realize that while I certainly held some of the blame, the guy clearly had some issues. It made me get my self-esteem back far sooner than any other book could.

[A · Rating 5 out of 5]

If I could give this book 5,000 stars I would. I've since talked to a lot of women who told me that this book helped them save their sanity after dating a guy who shattered their heart with flaky, distant or sometimes even abusive behavior that made no sense. How can he go from ardent, adoring lover to Missing In Action in what seems like five minutes real time just when things seem great? Further, how can he be so low as to pick you apart as if blaming you, adding insult to injury? This book will tell you what's going on. It's NOT YOU. These guys MUST be avoided, because they will utterly destroy you emotionally. So I recommend this book to all women. This book should be the new Bible.

Read in tandem with He's Scared, She's Scared. Both are excellent. The authors both have degrees in psych, so this is not "He's Just Not That Into You" ignorant bullshit written by television producers to make a dollar.

[Abby McClure · Rating 5 out of 5]

This is a must read for the sanity of all women! It goes over why men are commitmentphobic and it really helped me understand the commitmentphobic man. I will never fully understand why or how men can shut on and off their ‘love switch’, but it at least gave me some relief from the tough times. Every woman will meet one of these men sometime in their life and we all need to know how to deal with them and let go! This book will give you some tools you can use to help yourself move away from and identify commitmentphobic men.

[Aloha · Rating 5 out of 5]

All women should read this before going into the dating scene. The short: Don’t rush into things. See who he is. If he really wants a relationship with you, let him prove that he does. There is nothing you can do to change him. Work on yourself. If he loves you, he will want you as you are. If he doesn’t want to be with you as you are, let him go. You don’t need to be super woman or super anything. A man who truly loves you and wants to be with you will do the chase and accept you as you are. It was who you are that attracted him in the first place. Many women, including me, have made the mistake of conforming themselves to please the man. It did not work. Either he wants to be with you or he does not. Men are simple if you look past the smoke and mirrors.

[Sherilyn · Rating 4 out of 5]

You’re probably like Sherilyn? What? But let me explain 😂 this was free on audible and sometimes when I fall asleep I like to listen to one of the free books or podcasts they have on audible just to sleep so I clicked on this one cause the title made me like ‘yea my friends would say that’ but I ended up listening to it and actually enjoyed it 😂 a lot of these stories were insane to hear and I’ve seen my friends been in these type of situations so it was interesting to see a book all about it and I ended up listening to the whole thing so I was like ‘let me just add this to my goodreads, why not?’ But yea I was not expecting myself to actually listen to it. It wasn’t that bad

[Jeremiah · Rating 4 out of 5]

Quite possibly the most in-depth book I have ever read regarding the male mind and all that goes on inside it. The best part about this book is that it never points the finger of blame at either side of an argument, but rather has you look at it completely from the other persons angle.

[Kim · Rating 4 out of 5]

I thought I was over him, but I guess not...

I devoured this book. I read it so fast. And I wish I had read it much, much sooner. It explains everything.

The first half to 2/3 of this book are horror stories from women about their relationships with commitmentphobic men. I was particularly mortified by the story of Karen, a theater producer, and David, the unemployed-by-choice married man. Good grief, what a disaster! Karen should have fired her therapist for advising her to get involved with someone who was not only married, but a walking catastrophe. What the hell kind of responsible therapist advises someone to jump into an extremely complicated and morally wrong situation?

But as hard as these stories were to read, they were educational. The concept of "curtain calls" was so enlightening! Now I understand why this asshole keeps trying to contact me once every 6 months or so. I just didn't get it before.

This book is an absolute must-read for every woman who has been involved with a damaged, deficient man. It will definitely leave you feeling better and give you tips for what to do in the future so that you don't get involved in another no-win situationship.

"...you must remember that his problem is not your problem. His relationships fail because of his inner turmoil -- not because you are a bad partner." (page 294)

I've spent several years reading tons of relationship books trying to figure out what went wrong with this one particular guy. Seriously, I could probably sit for a Ph.D. in psychology after all of the dating/relationship books that I've read in the past 3.5 years. This is THE best book I've read that explains what I was feeling while I was involved with a total asswipe. It also explains his point of view and how there was absolutely nothing that I could have done differently to ensure a better outcome. This might just be the last book on relationships that I read -- I might be able to finally let this topic go now. Stop beating yourself up and go read this book!

[Mary · Rating 4 out of 5]

This book scared me. How could it not, when it brings to light the fact that there are so many broken people out there who could ending up hurting you. It's an older book, and it doesn't take social media and online dating into account, so I couldn't stop thinking how much scarier it would have been if it was written in the present time.

I personally found Women Who Love Too Much by Robin Norwood more helpful in this topic, but this book is still a worthwhile read for women who keep falling for men who can't love.

[Sarah · Rating 5 out of 5]

Lots of harsh truths in this one! This book coined the term “commitment-phobia” and is filled with uncannily relatable anecdotes and insights. I found it especially fascinating to learn about the truly “phobic” hallmarks of this condition, including physical symptoms, nightmares, and even a strong correlation with claustrophobia. I really appreciated the call-out that commitment-phobes are just as scared of committing to “no” as “yes,” which can lead to lots of vacillation and confusingly open doors. I also appreciated that one of the authors is male and was able to speak from his own experiences. Very resonant even nigh on 40 years after publication!

[Carisa Holmes · Rating 4 out of 5]

Unlike other books in this genre, this thoughtfully written piece is far from dry and clinical. The poignant and personal stories hit home and the practical advice helps women to steer clear of commitment-phobic men. This book can also help women to heal the pain within themselves that attracts these men in the first place.

[Markus · Rating 4 out of 5]

Explains a lot about my parents. My father is definitely incapable of commitment even though he was married to my mother for almost twenty years. As was said in the book though, marriage itself doesn't mean commitment. He was abusive, emotionally unavailable and unfaithful for most of it and has had several children with several women before and after his marriage to her. I guess he desperately needed for someone to just "be there" so he could constantly unload his childhood traumas onto them. I have experienced glimpses of him being very affectionate, capable of closeness and understanding and it would have been wonderful to have a father who could have been like that most of the time but I do believe the part of him that was capable of bonding was forever eroded into nothingness after he started inflicting his traumas onto his children.

Both of them, my mother and my father, had severe problems in their childhoods bonding with opposite sex parents. My mother had a father who left before she was born and my father had an emotionally unavailable and abusive mother and his father was mainly just a drunk. So what apparently happened was that my mother desperately sought for any kind of male attention to fill the void that was left by her absent father and found a safe and familiar option in my father who wouldn't threaten her fragile, traumatized ego with actual closeness, but would nonetheless just be there. My father saw in my mother someone who was traumatized and fragile and wouldn't be able to leave after he revealed his abusiveness. So a trauma bond was formed.

What is important here, is that my mother likely was a victim in the beginning of this relationship but instead of recognizing her problems, leaving, and trying to deal with her problems, she instead decided to marry and have children with this man. This is the point where the children become the victims and both the mother and the father stop being victims and become perpetrators. So this little fairy tale went on with me and my brother in the picture and our capabilities of bonding slowly but surely being eroded as were our parents' in their childhoods. At the same time, our parents' capability of bonding, in my opinion, was damaged permanently beyond repair as they were enforcing their own traumas in their minds by inflicting the same traumas on their children.

So it's not as simple as, "It's a problem with men (or women)". It's a big cycle involving everyone and it's everyone's individual responsibility to break this cycle, once they're adults. One version of this cycle would go something like this: a boy is raised by an abusive, distant mother and an absent father, this boy becomes a man and will go on to hurt women as a kind of revenge and perhaps will impregnate some of them with no intention of raising the children. These children will grow up without fathers and with damaged troubled mothers and the cycle will go on ad infinitum once they become men and women.

What is more, most men are raised mostly by women so if women want more good men in the world, that is the place to begin. Same thing can be said for men in that the presence of father in the family is perhaps the most crucial factor in the children becoming healthy, functional, empathetic human beings.

So yeah, I recommend this book. It's ostensibly written for an audience of women but the author was was a self-admitted recovering commitmentphobic man so it's absolutely very insightful for men as well.

[O.M. Grey · Rating 5 out of 5]

I read this after He's Scared, She's Scared, which is actually the sequel to this book. Still, it is invaluable in beginning to understand the mindset of the commitmentphobe and just how much his presence can destroy your life.

Please, please read it BEFORE you meet one.

http://omgrey.wordpress.com/2012/04/0...

[Alice · Rating 4 out of 5]

One of the classics in what could be called the popular science of relationships, from 1987. They coined the term "commitmentphobia," of which the symptoms are suspiciously similar to the now oh so popular diagnosis of the men we date: Narcissism.

An easy read, like gossiping.

[Deann · Rating 5 out of 5]

Very enlightening! I will look at romantic relationships differently going forward. I feel smarter from reading this book, maybe it should be a text book of sorts. If you've ever been in a relationship where you wondered what happened to make it end, where did you go wrong? You tried everything you could and the relationship still failed because you could never please him/ her? This book is probably for you

[Bren fall in love with the sea. · Rating 4 out of 5]

It is actually an excellent book I read quite a many years ago but still relevant. It did indeed coin the term "committment phobia".

Beyond that though, there are some really insightful aspects of this book that anyone could benefit from reading even if not involved in an unhealthy relationship.

[Helena · Rating 5 out of 5]

In spite of its dramatic title, "Men who can't love" is a serious study about commitment phobia and relation anxiety. Personally, this book helped me go through a crucial moment in my life by giving me tools to recognize that my partner at that time was indeed a commitmentphobic and put an end to that relationship. It wasn't easy, but the book was a comforting guide.

I totally recommend it.

[Andrea Standing · Rating 4 out of 5]

This book was incredibly insightful after a gut-wrenching breakup that I didn't understand. It made so much sense to me after-the-fact; of course everything is clearer in retrospect :) I definitely recommend this book!

[Jenika · Rating 2 out of 5]

Some interesting insights and advice on dating commitment phobic men. Sadly you have to weed through a lot of sexist language, ideas, and thoughts to get it.

(Only the afterward explores the idea that women can have commitment issues as well).

[Atieh · Rating 4 out of 5]

It is a life saver! A good dose of harsh reality which explains a lot of what you feel when you are in a relationship with a commitment-phobic person. I think every woman that is looking for his future partner should read this book.

[Craig boob · Rating 4 out of 5]

This one got to me, especially because it didn't offer much to help an avoidant. It's written mainly as a guide for 1980's (much talk of answering machines and secretaries) women on how to spot the signs of an avoidant man. It made me feel somewhat condemned as a guy worth avoiding :(

"He establishes a definite schedule on when and how he has time for you, on his terms, and always seems to have other demands that must be met first."

"He treats most of your requests as if they are the demands and seems to resent being counted on"
> Reminds me of how my ideal day is one where I don't have to take care of anybody else's schedule.


"Ross doesn't like the idea of having a permanent commitment to anybody, and says that the only way he could handle marriage is if he thinks of it as temporary."

"Too frightened to love. If you are involved with a commitmentphobic, the first thing you have to know is that is that it is what he is feeling, not what you are doing, that is filling him with terror and confusion. It is what he is thinking, not what you are saying, that is driving a wedge into the relationship, and that it is his convoluted outlook that his making him flee."

"This man can forget that he cares about you. He can forget how much he enjoys himself with you. He may even forget about terrific sex. He may want to consider your feelings, but his discomfort and confusion are too great."

"Whenever a woman thinks to highly of me, I feel trapped by her expectations of me, the expectation of always having to be there, and then I want to get away from those feelings."

"On holidays, he's the one who always insists on the big traditional family day. Then, after he's got us all assembled, he goes into the other room by himself, closes the door, and reads the paper. He wants to know that we are there for him, if he wants us, but he gets nervous if we are around him very much."

"You are not his therapist, you are not his mother. It's not your job to work it out of him. Erase from your head all romance novel fantasies that he will eventually come to his senses." OUCH.

[Kate · Rating 4 out of 5]

Okay, I listened to this book because it was in the audible plus catalogue. I really needed this book because I just ended a relationship and went through the hardest heartbreak of my life. While this book is obviously dated and a little sexist around the edges it has been very helpful to me. I like to stay away from some of the more sexist parts but understanding commitment phobic men has been very helpful. My ex basically is the same as defined in this book and it has made me realize that it really truly had nothing to do with me. So if you're going to read this one go in realizing that it's dated but it can definitely help a broken heart, in my opinion.

I feel like I learned a lot. And I just needed this. Even if it was a work of fiction I still think it would have opened my eyes to a lot of things going on in my relationship that I was willing to overlook because I had hope for a change.

[Lauren · Rating 5 out of 5]

Yes, the title is hokey. Yes, it's a bit dated. Yes, it's unnecessarily gendered. But overall this book is an absolute gem and holds up remarkably well. I'm sure I will recommend it to many clients in the future.

[Lucie Dudley · Rating 4 out of 5]

Found this book very insightful as I emerged from devastation at the hands of one of these people. Their absolute terror and lack of regard for the other person was the main thing that struck me, although it made me wonder if 'committment-phobe' is a kind way of saying 'covert narcissist' as the pattern similarities, words used and behaviour, appear identical to me. Self-absorbed and a serious lack of empathy for anyone apart from themselves.

[Lina River · Rating 5 out of 5]

just the perfect book to listen to after a breakup, especially if it was a breakup with a man who won't commit.

[Jasmine · Rating 4 out of 5]

Harsh but good.

[Samuela · Rating 4 out of 5]

ok, so: I never attracted these up-and-downs emotional swings kind of men that are described; however, I really liked to read the stories and it's written mostly in a quite catchy way, so I enjoyed the process and was rather shocked by some of the stories. Maybe what shocked me more is that once the guys pulled back / started disappearing, why the women just... didn't leave?
Overall I find all the 'strategies to make the avoidant men return' pretty self-destructive and I'd recommend to purely work on oneself and own self-esteem in the first place, but fine.
To be said tho - there were a few tendencies which I do recognize I encountered in certain men and I'd call that purely fear of closeness (no need to come up with new fancy 'funny' names). And I assume the book is older before it became more trendy for people to be familiar with attachment theory (and respectively anxious x avoidant dynamics).
4/5 because guys, what you write in the conclusion should be much much more included throughout the book. It's essential. Yes, our awareness is selective and we do see exactly such people we can see, that's it.
Also, I somewhat miss some common characteristics of the women - you very very slightly mention that.
1/ It feels like the women became 'demanding' only once the men pulled back. Well, ask for what brings you joy before, gradually. Make him involved.
2/ It also feels like the women were overgiving so much - what do you mean men going to HER apartment ? cooking for them ? making them surprise dinners ? I mean the guys seem they should give feminine energy courses I guess. It's not hot, girls. So it feels they overall felt like they should give more, they were 'owing' something to the guys.
3/ Also being clear from the beginning what one want and share it out loud makes sense.
4/ also all of them were like 'I am not into this guy' at the beginning - well ok, no compromises
5/ also seems all of them were flattered by getting so many compliments at the beginning... ehh seriously? get life, and get realistic.

Also overall I miss a bit quite the important point:
There's nothing sexy or healthy about the guys who are only interested into the 'chasing' kind of dynamics. Personally this puts me off so badly and it feels totally different from normal men who are interested into you healthily. Usually such men had cold mothers and they only project them on you. Send the guy to therapy and ask him for cash for manicure and live long & well, get a normal man who won't swing you emotionally.
To be said the women were likely very cold at the beginning too and had this 'allowing' energy to the guy. It sucks. Sorry, but that's really what one gets.

Again, if this is something one spots and has in life, well, your selective awareness brought you that to you for a reason.

I know I wrote an offensive review, and the book was likely too ... correct? I wish there was more about this because I find this to be super basic.

Anyway really a quick and easy read, I think it's interesting more like a telenovela :)

Cheers

[Anamaria Budai · Rating 3 out of 5]

Ce mi-a plăcut:

+Cartea e documentată pe interviuri (majoritatea cu bărbați, mi-ar fi plăcut să fie mai multe cu femei sau studii de caz în urma terapiei de cuplu);
+Explică tiparele mentale care duc relația la eșec;
+Subliniază ,,semnele" și pune accentul pe dualitatea real/fantezie. La începutul relației vezi ceea ce vrei să vezi;
+ Accentul pe exemple/remindere pentru a vedea și realitatea și semnale de alarmă care sunt prezente.

Ce nu mi-a plăcut:
-Stilul de carte tip ,,rețetă"
-Victimizarea femeii și disculparea de orice asumare (tocmai prin prisma tiparelor mentale ar trebui menționat că oamenii atrag ceea ce au nevoie pt a se vindeca sau pt a învăța ceva);
-Accentul pus strict pe cum să eviți (ca femeie), cum să ieși din aceste relații nesănătoase, dar nu am văzut nicăieri cum pot bărbații (sau femeile!) care au această fobie de angajamente să se vindece?!
-Fiind o carte strisă de terapeuți mă așteptam să văd o abordare mai echilibrată și înspre recuperarea bărbaților care au aceste tulburări. Mă așteptam la ceva similar cu ,,Femei care iubesc prea mult", dar varianta despre/pentru bărbați.

În concluzie, o recomand.
Citirea ei vă poate ajuta să înțelegeți de ce unele relații au început excelent dar s-au terminat dezastruos (pentru femei). O recomand alături de ,,Femei care iubesc prea mult" - care mi s-a părut mult mai echilibrată și mai asumată.

PS: Bărbaților o recomand pe jumătate, doar pentru a vedea dacă se regăsesc în unele tipare, deși cred că e greu de citit de bărbați (tocmai pentru că nu e scrisă echilibrat și echidistant).