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400 pages, ebook
First published December 27, 2016
This books was my first read of 2017, so, yeah, I am out for
Actual rating: 2.5 stars
A guide "How to ruin potentially good fantasy story"
Rule #1. First of all, you need to create two Kingdoms and send them to war with each other. Give as little information about these Kingdoms' history and culture as possible. To make sure you've done a proper job, set any other country in place of your Kingdom and if there's nothing distinguishable about the two, then you have truly succeeded in not creating any world-building. Oh, and don't forget to create the vaguest reason for the two Kingdoms to war with each other. It's highly important for moving the plot forward or else there won't be any reasons for writing your epic fantasy books.
Rule #2. Make your main character a simpleton. She must be very slow at getting the clues and the obvious ones must be the hardest for her to get. The more obvious the better: that way you'll guarantee your character doesn't get a thing about what's going on around her. And the reader will feel an advantage at guessing every riddle before the main character. That is a good tactic, right?
“I didn’t kill Saul.” His voice sounds close to a snarl.
So worked up, it takes a minute for me to feel his words. Warmth blossoms in my sternum, pools in my gut, and spreads outward to the tips of my limbs. Truth.
I lower my weapon. “You—you didn’t do it?” My mouth gapes open.
Rule #3. Make the main love interest as generic as possible. He must have muscles, though. To be very, very muscular so no one would notice how very clone-like he is. Oh, and make him smell divine. Always. Even when he hadn't had a bath for weeks. And the heroine must sniff him all the time. Yes! Make her a toxicomaniac
At least the odor works to mask Cohen’s inebriating scent. The man’s been traveling for days. Weeks. How can he smell so good?
Rule #4. To mask that your main character is the simpleton make her a special-snowflake. That definitely should take the reader off her scent and concentrate on her specialness. Riiiight.
“I knew you’d figure it out,” she says with pride. “You’re more powerful than you know, girl. Inside you there’s strength you don’t even realize. You’re something special.”
Rule #5. The most important rule: add love drama. Tons of it. Make it heavy with romantic angst. Suffocate the reader with it on every page, so that their eyes would hurt for rolling them all the time, and they will miss how stupid your main character is or the lack of world-building. That tactic works as the perfect distraction. Tested on countless readers through countless books. Never fails this one!
Was he about to kiss me? Impossible.
I want to smack myself. It’s obvious he still sees me as nothing more than a friend or a sister, since he pulled away despite the eagerness painted all over me. I’m such a fool. A wanton, ridiculous fool.
I love it when characters so correctly guess the truth about themselves *slow clapping to Britta The Wise*
Rule #6. To make your plot-line whole, don't forget to add the most ridiculous finale/cliffhanger you can think of in your book. Make it a hardcore drama so that your simpleton heroine's brain would burst into million... um, brain pieces?
Rule #7. To finish your fantasy book, sprinkle it with the good writing. Yes, it is to make sure people will read your creation if you actually write it in a decent language. Oh, and add some awesome nature descriptions, so a reader at least will get something to imagine, apart from the lack of your world-building, that is.
P.S. There was this kissing scene under the rain. And I felt nothing. A KISSING SCENE UNDER THE RAIN.
How can one fail to make people feel anything?! Yeah, this book managed to.
P.P.S. Go read Mila's review. The snark level is very high in this one. You'll love it!
“Our lives are, like these woods, ever changing. Nothing is static. And so you cannot count on an easy, carefree life to always remain that way. Or a harsh existence to stay the same. Life can get better. Or life can always become worse. And then you die.” Enat smiles ruefully. “Don’t reflect on the negative. Think about all the positives in your life.”