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Wired for Dating: How Understanding Neurobiology and Attachment Style Can Help You Find Your Ideal Mate
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Wired for Dating: How Understanding Neurobiology and Attachment Style Can Help You Find Your Ideal Mate

3.74  ·  Rating details ·  561 ratings  ·  56 reviews
In the age of online dating, finding a real connection can seem more daunting than ever! So, why not stack the odds of finding the right person in your favor? This book offers simple, proven-effective principles drawn from neuroscience and attachment theory to help you find the perfect mate.

Everybody wants someone to love and spend time with, and searching for your ideal p
Paperback, 200 pages
Published January 2nd 2016 by New Harbinger Publications
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Katrina Sark
Sep 28, 2015 rated it liked it
p.4 – The central idea of this book is that secure functioning is at the core of all successful relationships. The principle of secure functioning is rooted in attachment theory and research, and describes a relationship with the following characteristics:
• security (“we protect each other”)
• sensitivity (“we are aware of each other’s needs”)
• justice and fairness (“we quickly repair any hurts that occur”)
• collaboration (“we’re in this together”)
• true mutuality (“what is good for me is good
Feb 27, 2019 rated it really liked it
Another surprisingly good book in my research about adult attachment psychology, which involves neurobiology, psychology and more. It’s well balanced and informative in examples. Actually, some of his articulated descriptions of how your attachment style manifests itself can bring you to tears.

The thing I was wondering about is how he divides the three attachment style differently from what is described in the book “attached”, of Amir Levine. It’s a bit confusing but still an interesting perspe
Katie Johnstone
Feb 19, 2019 rated it really liked it
Very holistic relationship "curriculum" - meaning that some sections were less relevant to my particular relationship circumstance than others. However, 10/10 on sections describing attachment styles - how the love you received from primary caregivers impacts how you give and receive love - and how to productively fight/soothe your partner. SO insightful. ...more
Kenzy Peach
Feb 21, 2021 rated it it was ok
As someone who finds it impossible to abandon a book once I’ve started it, I can’t tell you how glad I am to be free of this dry, depressing manifesto. While it did present a *few* useful concepts, I had a hard time stomaching the central posit that dating and love are necessary to lead a fulfilling life. I’m not looking to date because I’m convinced I’m empty without it, and this book suggesting such annoyed me deeply.

The writing was also somehow dry and uninteresting without being very educati
Dianna Rostad
Sep 05, 2019 rated it it was amazing
Great advice on dating based on attachment style. I didn't care for the Sherlocking part of the advice, it felt kind of invasive. ...more
May 02, 2019 rated it it was ok
Recommends it for: people new to dating
Shelves: trite, audiobooks
This is a very simple book, suitable if you've never sought to learn about relationships by any means more rigorous than skimming blog posts on Elephant Journal. The content isn't inaccurate, but it is highly generalized. The book would be a suitable companion to 8th-grade health class.

The "neurobiology" discussed is more thematic than scientific. Tatkin reveals such truths as: 1) your neurotransmitters are out to fool you, 2) eye contact is important, and 3) your breath and heart rate will inc
Tristan LeBlanc
Aug 12, 2018 rated it really liked it
I read this to learn more about adult attachment theory. This was recommended to me as a sort of non-shaming, non-pathologizing option written for regular (non-therapist) humans. His classifications of anchor, island, and wave, help you to understand the ways you relate to other people and how other people relate to you. The terms that he uses are his own - I believe terms more broadly used for those are "secure," "insecure avoidant," and "insecure anxious." Obviously, those are a bit of a mouth ...more
Wendy (bardsblond)
Aug 20, 2018 rated it it was ok
This book focuses on how to develop and sustain secure, happy and healthy relationships in dating. Tatkin argues that our attachment style is hard-wired into us at an early age and dictates subsequent behavior in interpersonal relationships.

I found most interesting the chapters devoted to the three basic types of attachment in relationships, i.e., those who function as an anchor, island, or wave. I could definitely see aspects of myself in both the anchor (healthy attaches from healthy families
Riane Kandia
Dec 14, 2019 rated it really liked it
I was very skeptical of this book in the beginning, but as I continued to read it taught me a lot about people and how their backgrounds/home lives can affect the way they date. The book talks about 4 different types of people that you can date, and goes on to give great advice on how they date and what to look for when you first meet them. This book is a great reference point for those that are going through the dating process, giving great advice throughout and looking at dating from a psychob ...more
Allan van der Heiden
Dec 09, 2020 rated it did not like it
This book is tedious and written for the socially inept. The initial chapters are really just affirming basic social skills. The examples used are really basic and of grade school quality.

The book assumes everyone has had some sort of continuous love. It does not address abuse or abandonment. Also it tongue in cheek advocates for abuse. Teasing and emotional manipulation is still abuse and the author actually encourages this in some cases. For a wave case type person such emotional manipulation
Apr 02, 2018 rated it it was ok
I found this book from hearing Stan Tatkin on The Indie Spiritualist podcast. I was mildly put off by some of his suggestions but I'm on a tear of reading about human connection and attachment theory so I wanted to give it a chance. I was on board with his intent that we all need each other, that we benefit from wise and kind intentional interaction. I just wasn't sold enough on the finer points of his message to get engaged. Maybe it's the book you're waiting for, but it wasn't for me. ...more
Ken Lenoir
Jun 15, 2019 rated it it was amazing
This is an excellent book. It gave me a *huge* aha moment around attachment styles/relational style. Some people who I thought were crazy really just have a different relational style, neither better nor worse than mine.

The goal is to become more secure because that is where the most fulfilling and joyous relationships are born, security. Insecurity is when relational issues happen. Awareness is a big first step in this, having a framework for successful relationships.

Feb 08, 2020 rated it it was amazing
An easy to read eye-opener on attachment styles and how important family dynamics are in shaping behaviour. May be basic if you're well-versed in the field, but I found it intriguing. Easy to understand chapters allow you to determine your own (and your partner's) attachment style and how it affects how you date; dating tips on recognizing how you and your date are feeling by "listening between the lines" were fascinating. I definitely recommend this! ...more
Andrea Dumont
Aug 02, 2020 rated it really liked it
Shelves: pyschology
Another attachment style one. I think it needed to be read after Attached (which explained the attachment styles better) and gave a bit more color to healthy relationship styles. I loved the part about how partners should strive for mutuality, making sure your partner isn't uncomfortable with something, and sometimes finding the compromise. Real talk. I also saved the little bit about what partnerships should bring and why you'd want to be in one. ...more
Oct 11, 2020 rated it really liked it
Good intro into attachment theory, some anecdotes on being transparent and working with different communication styles. Applies not only to romantic relationships, can see this applied to how you relate on a professional level, with friends and family, etc.

Would not recommend the audiobook. 1) narrator is nasaly, 2) there's some good questions and quizzes to extract from this book. Having it in print would have been a better way to experience this book.
Jun 13, 2017 rated it really liked it
A good read that provided food for thought in my dating life and partner selection. Loved learning about attachment styles and couple bubbles/pacts. Definitely influencing me already in my choices.

Wired for love, his other book for people already in relationships, was even better in terms of practical suggestions and actions. Good stuff!!
May 19, 2018 rated it really liked it
Mr. Tatkin takes on a psychobiological stance on dating and addresses how people are wired for developing relationships. Using classic attachment theory, he simplifies the three into Anchors, Waves and Islands and thoroughly addresses the interpersonal styles of each. Quite informative, this book can help anyone during the dating and relationship journey.
Evan Burge
Aug 19, 2018 rated it really liked it
A useful aid to the dating process, but one primarily focused on relationships that are already well established. It holds little advice on that initial step into the dating arena. Still, the discussion of anchor, wave and island personality types, and the importance of understanding are insightful.
Apr 18, 2021 rated it it was amazing
I quite enjoyed this book. I love science and psychology and really enjoyed those elements in the book, rather than it just being self-help mumbo jumbo.

My only criticism is that there could have been more specific recommendations about how to deal with the partners of different types, as this seemed rather limited, especially for poor waves.
Katie Hulbert
Feb 22, 2018 rated it liked it
it has a lot of really good information about the science and behaviors or different attachment types. However it left me feeling slightly depressed rather than hopeful... so don't go into it looking or hope. but if you want good info on whats a good attachment type, this book has great info. ...more
Apr 17, 2018 rated it it was amazing
It’s amazing how much reading I can do when I’m sick. This is a wonderful little book that shares how you can get the love you need based on your attachment style. Now I need to follow through and not doubt or second guess myself.
Charlie Kubal
Jun 30, 2018 rated it it was ok
Some thought-provoking ideas, but teetered between well-understood concepts and new ideas that weren't supported particularly well by science. I wanted to like this book, but it could likely have been a long-form article rather than stretched into a book. ...more
Jun 02, 2019 rated it liked it
If you have never read about attachment theory, then perhaps this simplified version is for you. I mostly skimmed. It does give some good concrete examples of dating with each style of attachment, along with ways to reframe your interactions.
Mar 14, 2020 rated it liked it
Meh this just discusses/repackages some info on attachment styles and is just like “pay attention” “gather data” etc... which yes may be helpful if you’re not already doing it- but not groundbreaking. I absolutely hate the stilted dialogue examples. But I’m an island, what do I know 🤷🏼‍♀️
Aug 06, 2020 rated it it was ok
It started kinda strong but really lost me with the three characters in the middle
I just feel he could’ve explain better
I would not say it is a must read! But I sure as hell wouldn’t pick it up again or Recommend it to friend
Rose Russell
Jan 12, 2021 rated it it was amazing
Great overview of attachment styles (1) Anchor – securely attached 2) Island – insecurely avoidant 3) Waves – insecurely ambivalent 4) Disorganized – insecurely a combination of them) to understand how I behave when feeling insecure in a relationship so I can work on it.
Lindsey Rank
Feb 20, 2021 rated it it was ok
My first look into attachment theory. I enjoyed the breakdown of the types and their typical characteristics but didn’t care for much for the rest. Most of the advise or examples assumes a high level of self awareness that seems rare at least in my experience.
Brenda Knowles
Aug 22, 2017 rated it it was amazing
Wonderful insight into attachment styles and how to work with them in relationships.
Nov 14, 2017 rated it really liked it
Shelves: non-fiction, mental
This was great! Really practical, sensible, but not necessarily obvious advice for forming and maintaining healthy relationships. I appreciated the concise and direct messages.
Lillibet Moore
I didn't like the early part of the book or end of it, but the attachment styles section was really helpful. ...more
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Stan Tatkin, PsyD, MFT, is a clinician, teacher, and developer of A Psychobiological Approach to Couple Therapy® (PACT). He has a clinical practice in Calabasas, CA, where he has specialized for the last 15 years in working with couples and individuals who wish to be in relationships. He and his wife, Tracey Boldemann-Tatkin, developed the PACT Institute for the purpose of training other psychothe ...more

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