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The Human Santapede

3.93  ·  Rating details ·  76 ratings  ·  37 reviews
Santa Claus is coming to least, that was the plan, but now his elves have started going missing, kidnapped by some insidious figure in a black cloak, and despite the magic swirling about the place, the toys aren't going to put themselves together. So begins a terrifying game of cat and mouse as Kris Kringle searches The Land of Christmas for his abducted minions, ...more
Paperback, 182 pages
Published November 15th 2014 by Crowded Quarantine Publications
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3.93  · 
Rating details
 ·  76 ratings  ·  37 reviews

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3.5 stars, rounded up for christmas.

"but karen, you NEVER star-rate your monsterporn!"

and it's true, but even more surprising - despite this cover, this is not monsterporn. it fooled me, too! i'll review it (and the thirty other books i have fallen behind on reviewing - eek!) soon, but for now, enjoy your holidays and your clean brains knowing nothing about human santapedes.
Dec 04, 2014 marked it as to-read
Shelves: fubar
Officially the worst/best thing this holiday season.
Matthew Hellscream
Jul 19, 2016 rated it it was amazing
If you're a fan of horror films, you've probably heard of a little film called The Human Centipede. It's a fantastic concept for a gross-out film, but the end result was not executed all that well. The movie is clunky, badly paced and never quite lives up to the core concept that you bought your ticket for.

For those of you who remain uninitiated, a Human Centipede is created when three or more people are sewn arse-to-mouth, forming one single digestive system.


I clicked on the link in the
Alex findingmontauk1
Dec 21, 2018 rated it really liked it
Shelves: owned
I was just looking through Amazon for some Christmas horror books when I stumbled across this cover, spat out my eggnog, and dropped my candy canes. How could I NOT BUY THIS? I am one of the rare people on the planet who actually thought the first Human Centipede movie was good: I thought it was creepy, not OVERLY disgusting (like people assume it is going to be and NOT like the second one), and had some awesome cinematography!

And this cover! It had me rolling! I love it!

I did not expect to enjo
Bob Milne
Dec 24, 2018 rated it liked it
Shelves: humour, wtf, bizarro
Maybe this was stronger, more shocking read when it was released 4 years ago, but even that was already 5 years removed from the first Human Centipede movie. Don't get me wrong, The Human Santapede had its moments, and could have been a thoroughly entertaining short story, but as a nearly 200-page novella, it just feels unnecessarily padded.

On the positive side, Adam Millard has a way with puns, a talent for twisting holiday tropes, and a flair for skewering pop culture icons. There were multipl
What great fun, this novel had me smiling and chuckling throughout and definitely made my holiday season more joyous. Millard wrote a very entertaining book using humour in what I felt was a very smart way, never over doing it, using classic jokes and pop culture references very effectively.
Don Bradshaw
Dec 07, 2014 rated it really liked it
Shelves: comedy, short
A terrific no holds barred spoof on Christmas and Santa Claus. The one liners just kept coming. I was laughing out loud at some parts. Definitely a fun break from all the sugary sweetness
Matthew Hernandez
I never laughed and mentally thrown up simultaneously while reading a book. I can't wait to read more books by Adam Millard.
Angel Gelique
3.5 rounded up. Review to come.
Shadow Girl
Nov 14, 2014 rated it it was amazing
First, have you seen The Human Centipede (First Sequence), or The Full Sequence, or The Final Sequence? It may not be necessary to see the movie(s), but it gives you a better feel for just how bad things are going to get, and just how bad that 'we had curry for dinner' joke really is! (South Park spoofed it pretty disgustingly). I'm only kidding - Adam has re-imagined yet another *[beloved] classic, and made The **[in]Human Santapede into what is sure to be one of my favorite things for many up
Jan 03, 2017 rated it liked it
Wow. Well, this is what happens when you join a book club with super diverse members. We all have our favorite genres, I suppose! Open minds, folks. Open minds.

I'm not even really sure how to review this book. It's pretty well self-explanatory. An evil Christmas maniac gets his panties in a wad for a whole number of reasons and decides to take revenge by sewing Santa, reindeer, and 51 elves ass-to-mouth forming an (in)Human Santapede.

It is, of course, a work of satire, playing off the unfortun
Jason Bradley
Dec 26, 2014 rated it really liked it
An amusing tale or Christmas reading. :)
Jason Bradley
This was the perfect addition to my holiday reading.
Christy Aldridge
Dec 24, 2018 rated it really liked it  ·  review of another edition
If you dont have a sense of humor, stay far away.

"This is The Land of Christmas, where joy and laughter are spread like wildfire and chlamydia."

I love a good satirical horror book as much as the next guy. I saw someone buy this book and just knew it was what I needed for the Christmas season. A good old fashioned disgusting laugh, and Adam Millard provided me with that.

I don't know if I've ever laughed so much. For me,reading this was like watching Scary Movie: so stupid that you either have to
Nov 24, 2018 rated it did not like it

What in the hell I just read
If anyone was to ask me what happen I wouldn’t be able to excute a response. Random characters being introduced that it actually interfered with the actual plot. The dark comparisons is distracting from the overall story.
Sarah Palmer
Dec 13, 2018 rated it it was amazing
My ribs are broken from laughing at the twisted tale of santa. One of the funniest gross books i have read in a long time cannot recommend enough. This will be an annual Christmas read from now on.
Jan 12, 2019 rated it it was amazing  ·  review of another edition

Wow that was such a fucked up Christmas story. But of course I loved it ... it's a definite must read
Luis Fernandez
A classic, quickly written piece of nonsense. Had some jokes but mostly super bad puns and pop culture jokes. Very English sense of humor so lot of absurdism and jokey word play. It is what it is.
Frankie Saxx
Nov 17, 2016 rated it really liked it
LOL :)
Jan 08, 2017 rated it really liked it
I selected this for a book club that I attend. We had trudged through a few lengthy, heavy novels and I thought this would be excellent for a multitude of reasons. First of all, it was a humor novel; secondly, it was short; thirdly, we were in the thick of the Christmas season; and finally, look at the cover. Who could resist the opportunity!

As someone who writes words on pages from time to time, I felt like this was something that Mr. Millard wrote to amuse himself. Certainly he would want to s
Nov 09, 2014 rated it really liked it
Shelves: own-e-books, bizarro
This was a really quick, fun read. I really liked that the other Companions made it into the story in addition to the main villain (don't want to spoil it for anyone who can't guess). The main premise is obvious from the title but the point wasn't to present a mystery but instead a gross yet hilarious story with gems like these:

It was a rather disturbing thing to watch, like one of those Jihadi beheading videos or a Miley Cyrus concert.

This is The Land of Christmas, where joy and laughter are sp
Alison MacConnell
Dec 19, 2014 rated it liked it
I am a terrible person. Both for finding this one of the most hilarious books I've ever read and for taking such an insanely long time to actually post Adam's promised review - sorry, Adam!

There's not a lot I can really say about this book which you won't have gleaned from the title. It is simply ridiculous in all the best ways and had me laughing out loud (and trying in vain to hide the cover from other patrons of the library).

The film on which the concept was based freaked me out. I won't say
Dec 24, 2014 rated it really liked it
Silly, funny, and utterly brilliant. I couldn't have asked for a better book to read as an antidote to Christmas fever.

If you like Bizarro fiction then you're bound to enjoy Millard's Human Santapede. Well written and thoroughly enjoyable, it may now be my favourite of the genre. If you aren't familiar with Bizarro fiction then you may want to look into it first to know what you're getting into, however the very fact that you've even picked up a book of this title hints that you're probably on
Feb 02, 2016 rated it liked it
I really thought this was going to be hysterical. Maybe I should have read it closer to Christmas or maybe my heart wasn't in it. I think I only really laughed twice...the other "would be jokes" felt forced but didn't hit their marks. That said some of them were pop references that I missed possibly due to the author's Britishness.

And some were genius:

"In 1980, he’d hand-delivered a typewriter to Stephanie Meyer. Was it his fault that she’d gone on to pen shitty sparkly vampire novels? If you th
Dec 23, 2015 rated it really liked it
I'm sure I'm going to hell for this one, but OMG was this fun!

Of course, I'm quite happy that I read this on Kindle under the disguise of the Hello Kitty cover as I think this one would break quite a few brains and result in several dirty looks and proclamations that I need Jesus.

Santa, the Fat Bastard, runs a pretty grueling sweatshop and the elves must work tirelessly to help pull of Christmas. So, when two elves go missing, Santa recruits Finklefoot to find the slackers.

There's a great cast o
Jan 02, 2017 rated it really liked it
Shelves: 2017
Though the films of similar nature have always disturbed me (and I've yet to see them), this book just cracked me up. Just 8 pages in and there is a reference to Warwick Davis and a Ricky Gervais, it's filled with pop culture references! And my favorite Yule Lord, Krampus, plays a big role in this book too.

Overall, quick and easy read with lots of laughs.
Aug 13, 2016 rated it it was amazing  ·  review of another edition
Not your everyday Christmas tale

So let me start by saying this book was brilliant. It was a perfect satire of Christmas. The perfect way to waste a day away. I can say this is not for those who have weak stomachs or children. If you like bizarro than this is a great book to read. I recommend to all fan's of modern horror
This rollicking adventure in the North Pole moves along at a quick pace, but still gives plenty of time to character development. Very good holiday read. I just wasn't thrilled with the abrupt ending. Maybe I'd have liked it more with an epilogue or something...
The Grim Reader
Dec 23, 2014 rated it it was amazing  ·  review of another edition

A truly brilliant and bonkers read this one. Laugh out loud funny and very bizarre. There is even a song at the end! The perfect Christmas gift for readers with a sick mind and sense of humour.
Kira Simion
Dec 22, 2015 marked it as to-read
Favorite line of blurb: "Ho-Ho-Holy Shit, things are about to get messy..."

Ha-ha-happy holidays! :D
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Adam Millard is the author of twenty novels, twelve novellas, and more than two hundred short stories, which can be found in various collections and anthologies. Probably best known for his post-apocalyptic fiction, Adam also writes fantasy/horror for children and Bizarro fiction for several publishers. His work has recently been translated for the German market.
“It was a rather disturbing thing to watch, like one of those Jihadi beheading videos or a Miley Cyrus concert.     “Please” 0 likes
“This is The Land of Christmas, where joy and laughter are spread like wildfire and chlamydia.” 0 likes
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