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320 pages, Paperback
First published February 10, 2015
Depression is like a heaviness that you can't ever escape. It crushes down on you, making even the smallest things like tying your shoes or chewing on toast seem like a twenty-mile hike uphill. Depression is a part of you; it's in your bones and your blood. If I know anything about it, this is what I know: It's impossible to escape.
What people never understand is that depression isn't about the outside; it's about the inside. Something inside me is wrong. Sure, there are things in my life that make me feel alone, but nothing makes me feel more isolated and terrified than my own voice in my head.
The hardest moments are when I miss her in the future.
Even though Aysel and Roman have nothing in common, they slowly start to fill in each others' broken lives. But as their suicide pact becomes more concrete, Aysel begins to question whether she really wants to go through with it. Ultimately, she must choose between wanting to die or trying to convince Roman to live so they can discover the potential of their energy together.
"You're you. You get it. you get all of it. And you're sad like me, and screwed up as that is, it's pretty beautiful." He reaches over and brushes his hand across my face, touching my hair. "You're like a gray sky. You're beautiful, even though you don't want to be."
But he was wrong. It's not that I don't want to be. But I never wanted to be beautiful because I was sad. FrozenRobot of all people should know that there is nothing beautiful or endearing or glamorous about sadness. Sadness is only ugly, and anyone who thinks otherwise doesn't get it.
If I have a boyfriend, his name is Death. And I'm pretty sure Roman is in love with him, too. It's like a love triangle gone wrong. Or maybe it's a love triangle gone right: we both get the guy on April 7.
"Because loving you saved me. It's made me see myself differently, see the world differently. I owe you everything for that."
“You're like a grey sky. You're beautiful, even though you don't want to be.”
First of all let's appreciate the cover.And not only this one,but every cover that this book has.They are all so beautifully done,so great job on that.
My Heart and Other Black Holes is a contemporary novel,about Aysel and Roman who are different by personality but have the same goal,to commit suicide,and they decide to do it together.As things start to change,feelings start to spark and grow,some minds start to change too,but are they really that hopeless,and is there a way for them to see the light again?
I loved this book,as you can see by my rating.I don't give away 5 stars very often,but I had to give it for this one.At first I was not very drawn by the idea.Two teens planning to commit suicide together,I thought it was dull,but lord I was wrong.This is is completely different.Different from other YAs,different from other book who talk about suicide and stuff like that.You have to read it to live it.
The characters are down to earth and felt real,real like there are people like them right now in the world,doing the same things as they did,and that's alerting,for me,at least.And I thank the author,so freaking much,for writing this book,because it is a window to the world outside and a message to all the people out there who are thinking that there is no life left for them here.There is,there always is something you can hold on,there is always light left.
I don't what to talk more and more because I am afraid I am going to give spoilers away,but please read this.If you are not attracted by the cover(If you are not I don't know what you are) read the book,because it is simply beautiful.So read it:)
“I bet if you cut open my stomach, the black slug of depression would slide out. Guidance counselors always love to say, “Just think positively,” but that’s impossible when you have this thing inside of you, strangling every ounce of happiness you can muster. My body is an efficient happy-thought-killing machine.”
“Sometimes I wonder if my heart is like a black hole--it's so dense that there's no room for light, but that doesn't mean it can't still suck me in.”My Heart and Other Black Holes was a unique and at times painful YA read about dealing with depression and guilt. I felt that this story very accurately displayed what it’s like to feel that kind of depression and the desperation that comes along with it. It’s about Asyel and Roman and the battle they’re both facing.
“He’s no longer the person I want to die with; he’s the person I want to be alive with.”
"Be careful," he says.
"Why?" I’m not thinking about being careful. I’m thinking about one last push, of letting go, of flying, and of falling.
“You aren’t allowed to die without me,” he whispers.
Depression is like a heaviness that you can’t ever escape. It crushes down on you, making even the smallest things like tying your shoes or chewing on toast seem like a twenty-mile hike uphill. Depression is a part of you; it’s in your bones and your blood. If I know anything about it, this is what I know: It’s impossible to escape.
I spend a lot of time wondering what dying feels like. What dying sounds like. If I’ll burst like those notes, let out my last cries of pain, and then go silent forever. Or maybe I’ll turn into a shadowy static that’s barely there, if you just listen hard enough.
My whole face burns and my stomach clenches and unclenches like a fist. It’s not like I feel guilty-after all, it’s not my fault her son wants to kill himself. But I didn’t exactly want to meet his family. This is the soccer mom problem I was trying to avoid. Two strikes against FrozenRobot-a pet turtle and a loving mom. If I were pickier, I’d say he had too much baggage. But considering my situation, I’m in no position to be choosy.
And this is exactly why Roman didn’t want a flake. But he ended up with a flake. A grade-A flake. Though, it’s his fault. He’s the one who turned me into one.
All of a sudden, I realize what that shadowy something is. It’s joy. FrozenRobot loves basketball. He loves playing it. No matter how hard he tries to push that joy away, it’s there. I wonder if joy has potential energy. Or if there is potential energy that leads to joy, like a happiness serum that lingers in people’s stomachs and slowly bubbles up to create the sensation we know as happiness.
I guess he’s right: I am a flake. But maybe meeting Roman has helped me to understand myself better. Yes, I’m broken. And yes, he’s broken. But the more we talk about it, the more we share our sadness, the more I start to believe that there could be a chance to fix us, a chance that we could save each other.
He’s no longer FrozenRobot, my suicide partner from the internet. He’s Roman, the boy who kissed me by the river and held me all night. To me, there’s a difference. A big difference.
He’s no longer the person I want to die with; he’s the person I want to be alive with.
I wonder if that’s how darkness wins, by convincing us to trap it inside ourselves, instead of emptying it out.
"You’re like a gray sky. You’re beautiful, even though you don’t want to be.”
Everything used to seem so final, inevitable, predestined. But now I’m starting to believe that life may have more surprises in store than I ever realized. Maybe it’s all relative, not just light and time like Einstein theorized, but everything. Like life can seem awful and unfixable until the universe shifts a little and the observation point is altered, and then suddenly, everything seems more bearable.
“What people never understand is that depression isn’t about the outside; it’s about the inside. Something inside me is wrong. Sure, there are things in my life that make me feel alone, but nothing makes me feel more isolated and terrified than my own voice in my head.”
“...he looks like someone who was designed to be popular and successful, but he also looks like someone who was made to wear grief.”
“Maybe it’s all relative, not just light and time like Einstein theorized, but everything. Like life can seem awful and unfixable until the universe shifts a little and the observation point is altered, and then suddenly, everything seems more bearable.”
"Maybe we all have darkness inside of us and some of us are better at dealing with it than others.”
I wonder if that's how darkness wins, by convincing us to trap it inside ourselves, instead of emptying it out.
And maybe that's why I haven't told him. Not because I'm scared that he won't want to die with me anymore, but because I'm terrified that he'll still want me to die. That he'll agree that I should die.
“Sometimes I wonder if my heart is like a black hole — it's so dense that there's no room for light, but that doesn't mean it can't still suck me in.”
"Anyone who has actually been that sad can tell you that there's nothing beautiful or literary or mysterious about depression."
"Music, especially classical music, ... has kinetic energy. ...once the notes are in the air, they collide against one another. They spark. They burst.
I spend a lot of time wondering what dying feels like. What dying sounds like. If I'll burst like those notes, let out my last cries of pain, and then go silent forever. Or maybe I'll turn into a shadowy static that's barely there, if you just listen hard enough."
"What people never understand is that depression isn’t about the outside; it’s about the inside. Something inside me is wrong. Sure, there are things in my life that make me feel alone, but nothing makes me feel more isolated and terrified than my own voice in my head."
“This must be a sign from the universe-if the only time you get lucky is when you're planning your suicide, it's definitely time to go.”
“The only class I really like is physics. I'm no science genius, but this is the one class that I think may have some answers to my questions. Ever since I was little, I've been fascinated by the way things work. I used to take apart my toys, studying how all the little pieces fit together.”
“I'm a little weirded out that FrozenRobot aka Roman wants to meet in such a public place. I guess that means he's not a serial killer or rapist or anything. Then again, I'm not sure it'd be so bad if he was a serial killer. At least I'd get it over with quickly.”
“As the sun glints off the polished wooden court, I wonder what my classmates are going to do with all their hate and anger and fear once they don't have me here anymore.
I can't wait until they don't have me here anymore.”
“I once read in my physics book that the universe begs to be observed, that energy travels and transfers when people pay attention. Maybe that's what love really boils down to-having someone who cares enough to pay attention so that you're encouraged to travel and transfer, to make your potential energy spark into kinetic energy. Maybe all anyone ever needs is for someone to notice them, to observe them.”