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No Bad Kids: Toddler Discipline Without Shame

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Janet Lansbury is unique among parenting experts. As a RIE teacher and student of pioneering child specialist Magda Gerber, her advice is not based solely on formal studies and the research of others, but also on her twenty years of hands-on experience guiding hundreds of parents and their toddlers. “No Bad Kids” is a collection of Janet's most popular and widely read articles pertaining to common toddler behaviors and how respectful parenting practices can be applied to benefit both parents and children. It covers such common topics as punishment, cooperation, boundaries, testing, tantrums, hitting, and more. “No Bad Kids” provides a practical, indispensable tool for parents who are anticipating or experiencing those critical years when toddlers are developmentally obliged to test the limits of our patience and love. Armed with knowledge and a clearer sense of the world through our children’s eyes, this period of uncertainty can afford a myriad of opportunities to forge unbreakable bonds of trust and respect.

162 pages, Paperback

First published January 1, 2014

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Janet Lansbury

6 books159 followers

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5 stars
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3 stars
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Displaying 1 - 30 of 691 reviews
Profile Image for Cat.
824 reviews134 followers
January 6, 2016
I have profoundly mixed feelings about this book. On the one hand, our wonderful childcare givers swear by this book and the philosophies of Magda Gerber that Lansbury espouses. On the other hand, this seemed like an awfully slim book, cobbled together from some blog posts, and it included some material that came across as self-promoting (like parents praising her website and saying how her child-rearing methods saved their lives).

My biggest bone to pick with this book is that at least half of it makes it sound like there's only one successful parenting personality--a kind of confident Zen and therapeutic mirroring-back-to-the-child--that you must acquire in order to make your children feel safe and that if you don't achieve that kind of Stepford Wife blandness, your child will keep acting out. (In this regard, I agree with another reviewer that it felt like this book sometimes indulged in a bit of parent-blaming, which my husband skeptically viewed as another strategy to sell advice. If every problem with your child's emotional life can be traced back to their deep detection of your insecurities and ambivalence, then surely you need a childcare guru to teach you how to improve yourself?)

While some of the book's strategies seem clear and positive to me (respond to behaviors firmly in the moment with consequences that make logical sense, articulate the child's emotions simply and directly, since they have trouble understanding their own feelings), there is also a lot of what I would call "therapy-talk" in here ("I see that you are feeling x...."), and I would be uncomfortable talking this artificially to my child all the time. (Honestly, I'd likely be incapable of it because it would make me burst into laughter to keep narrating my daughter's shifting attitudes and naughty behaviors in lofty, serious tones.) It feels like a more complete range of emotions from the parent (including anger and frustration) would be more "respectful" than this made-to-order robot-speak, no?

At the same time, I did like Lansbury's point that a parent can clearly and calmly articulate their own priorities and boundaries and that this will often lead to more logical discipline. She puts her finger on a tough tension between wanting your child to explore, create, and learn and then needing timing to work out (getting to school--argh!) or even just your body to be your own (please stop pulling on my ear; I need to sit at the computer for a minute; etc.). I think it's helpful to give parents permission to recognize their own irritation and to change the situation accordingly, rather than letting the child drive every scenario. I also liked her point that you should expect "bad behaviors" as part of toddler boundary-pushing, rather than always feeling let down when your child doesn't meet your expectations.

It would be fascinating to read this book in ten years and to recognize all the cultural messages that I am missing now in my anxieties about parenting a preschooler. I kept writing in the margins "this is not me!" (when Lansbury would write about the importance of being perpetually unruffled, calm and confident) and "of course, it's my fault!" (when Lansbury would write about a toddler's laser-beam ability to recognize a parents' emotional intensity or ambivalent decision-making). Occasionally, her attributions of parental fault seemed likely untrue. For example, there was a food bit in the book where she wrote a parent that the child had probably been teething or tasted an unpleasant food and then got such a reaction from the parent that she (the child) would not eat well after that. As a parent who watched her child switch from being an infant who ate everything to being a toddler who is quite finicky, I just don't believe that it stems from a specific emotional trigger. I suspect there is something both physiological and psychological about the shift to wanting control and safety in your food and that my attitude was neither here nor there, except for in how I respond to her eating choices (which is, to be fair, another occasion when being unruffled is actually advantageous).
Profile Image for whitney.
68 reviews13 followers
August 3, 2015
On the one hand, I think there's a lot of good advice in this book, and as a Montessorian, I'm already inclined towards the "follow the child" philosophy she espouses, though I don't agree with everything she says. What I really dislike, though, is the smug tone, and the parent-blaming vibe throughout. I'm really glad that I read this book NOW, rather than back while I was struggling terribly with PPD, because the way that Lansbury makes it sound as though every problem a kid is having is due to something the parent is doing wrong, and in particular, their parent's lack of confidence...well, gosh, that would've just confirmed every doubt the depression-demons were whispering into my ear about my unfitness as a parent. I guess what I feel is missing is an empathy for the parents - Lansbury's brimming with empathy for the kids (which is great) but if we parents are having a hard time, it's because we aren't trying hard enough, or aren't being "convincing", or aren't really "believing" or whatever. But at the same time, Lansbury does, unlike some of the other gentle parenting writers out there, acknowledge that parents have limits and should set boundaries around those limits. I just think the way she writes about those things is really, really triggery if you're someone struggling with depression or perfectionism. I've found that "Peaceful Parent, Happy Kids" (from Laura Markham) does a much better job of acknowledging the hard emotional work that has to go on at the parent's end, especially when parents themselves weren't parented in the respectful manner that she (and Lansbury) advocate.
Profile Image for Darrell.
384 reviews7 followers
April 5, 2015
"From infancy onwards our children need to know we will patiently hear and accept all their feelings and try our best to understand them. The challenge is not to squelch the feelings (with distractions, punishments, or other invalidating responses), and also not to let the emotional outbursts impact us too much - to hear and support our child without absorbing her moods."

This book is basically a collection of blog posts and email correspondence about parenting toddlers and much of the information is repetitious. I would have liked to see the advice backed up by data rather than anecdotal evidence, but the recommendations in this book do make sense to me.

Conflict avoidant parents who don't want to be the bad guy often let children get away with too much when they should be setting boundaries. Strict parents don't give their children enough autonomy to explore the world and express negative feelings. The ideal parent is somewhere in the middle.

Lansbury advises against punishing toddlers by spanking, yelling, or gimmicks like time outs. Instead we should treat toddlers with the same respect we treat other adults. Don't make them give forced apologies or try to make them feel guilty. If a toddler hits you, don't punish them or get upset, instead calmly prevent them from hitting you again and explain you don't want them to do that. Children pattern their behavior on what they see you doing. This is another reason why it's a bad idea to hit or yell at kids.

Encourage curiosity. Don't tell a child no if they reach for something on a high shelf, but instead say "Wow, you can reach that now!" Lansbury advises against using the word "No" too often, since it quickly becomes meaningless. It's better to only say "No" in emergency situations so your toddler will actually listen. Talk to toddlers the same way you talk to other adults. Don't use baby talk or refer to yourself in the third person. Don't say things like "inside voice" or "use your words". Talk the way you want them to talk.

When a toddler reaches for something you don't want them to have, don't distract them with another toy since they won't learn that way. Instead, gently tell them not to grab the item in question. If they get upset, acknowledge their feelings, but remain firm. "I know you want the cell phone, but you can't have it." Be confident when telling a child they can't do something and set clear limits that your toddler can understand. Children can sense their parent's anxiety, and this makes them feel less secure in the world. Instead be a confidant, but gentle leader.

Toddlers thrive on routine. You should try to be as consistent as possible since constantly changing rules sets them up for failure. Let your child know they're important by giving them your complete attention. Don't look at your phone while you're talking to them, etc. Phrase instructions positively rather than negatively. Instead of "Don't jump on me!" say "I want you to sit still on my lap." Acknowledge their point of view. "I know you want to stay in the park, but it's time to leave." If a child is frustrated or upset, they might be trying to tell you that they're hungry, thirsty, or sleepy.

Let them know the consequences of their behavior. If a child throws food, meal time is over. A disconnected punishment like a time out won't make sense to them. Also, the consequence needs to be immediate for it to connect in their minds.

Don't interrupt your child when they're in the middle of doing something unless it's an emergency. Give them advanced notice, "In a few minutes, it will be time to get into your pajamas." Pulling them away from what they're doing suddenly will upset them. There's a temptation to do things quickly like wiping their nose before they have time to object, but it's better in the long run to grant them some autonomy. If their nose needs to be wiped, let them help. Instead of holding them down to clip their fingernails ask, "Which fingernail should I clip first?" Talk and do things more slowly so your child has time to process what's being said and what's going on.

Don't overwhelm them with too many choices, but give them options. "Do you want to brush your teeth yourself or do you want me to help you?" Don't ask questions like "Do you want to go to grandpa's house?" Since if they answer no, they'll find themselves being ignored. Rather ask "Do you want to go to grandpa's house now or in five minutes?"

The parent child relationship is like any other relationship; both points of view matter. Don't wait for a toddler to push you to the limit. If you start to feel yourself getting annoyed, curtail their behavior before you lose control. Parents should never take a toddler's misbehavior personally; they don't have the same control over their emotions that adults do.
Profile Image for Wendi Lee.
Author 1 book467 followers
July 23, 2018
*3.5 stars*

This is the first parenting book I've read, and it reminds me of why I've never read any in the past. Although I admire Lansbury's advice, as well as the RIE methods she highlights (it seems similar to Montessori, which I try to follow), it's hard to get very much out of it, at least for me. Every toddler is different, and what works in one scenario might not in another.

It is a timely reminder to stop using the royal we and third person when talking to my daughter, however. She's not a baby, and it does feel more connected to say "I would like to put that down" instead of "We don't play with that."
Profile Image for Cristina Ermac.
146 reviews29 followers
December 30, 2018

Și ultima carte pentru acest an... o carte frumoasa de parenting. Deși inițial ma gândeam sa ii dau 4-4.5, dar dacă tot e sărbătoare.. 😁😁
Exista cărți(in special din cele pentru părinți sau motivaționale) care încă înainte de a începe de a le citi știi ca vor fi faine. Și asta e din motiv ca ti-au fost recomandate deja de multe ori, și/ori știi ca persoanele care au făcut-o îți împărtășesc aceleasi gânduri/valori.
Așa a fost și in cazul acestei cărți.
Este un manual foarte bun pentru parintii care optează pentru parentingul conștient și plin de respect.
Autoarea explica in termeni simpli, pe întelesul tuturor cauzele comportamentelor “nedorite” ale copiilor și propune metode concrete pentru acțiunea părinților. De asemenea, unul din detaliile cele mai plăcute pentru mine a fost explicarea și delimitarea termenilor de parenting respectuos cu cel de parenting pasiv, astfel încât se distrug toate stereotipurile legate de parintii care refuza la pedepse, dar si atenționându-i sa nu ajunga la cealaltă extrema(cea a unei relații prea permisive in care parintele nu mai are valoare).
Încă un detaliu care mi-a plăcut au fost scrisorile cititorilor cu răspunsurile autoarei la ele, iar multe din ele chiar m-au făcut sa plâng... uneori din cauza ca ma regăseam și eu in unele greseli ale părinților, alteori de bucurie din motiv ca mi-aminteam cum am depășit deja cu succes și noi unele momente, iar la altele ma emoționam pur și simplu conștientizând cât de curajoși, răbdători și iubitori sunt unii părinți care sunt gata atât de mult sa învețe și sa se schimbe de dragul copiilor săi.
In mare parte as recomanda aceasta carte părinților care au copii între 0 și 3 ani, majoritatea ideilor/ sfaturilor fiind totuși pentru aceasta categorie de varsta, deși au fost și din cele pentru copii mai mari.
Așa ca... dacă tot e sfârșit de an... Va urez la toți un an plin de momente frumoase cu copiii voștri, plin de afecțiune, înțelegere,răbdare și empatie. ❤️
Profile Image for Gritcan Elena.
314 reviews14 followers
September 16, 2020
Idei care mi-au placut si pe care le consider utile:

Nu se pune problema ca disciplina nu ar fi necesara la copii. […] lipsa disciplinei nu e bunatate, e neglijenta.

Predicile, reactiile emotionale, mustrarile si pedepsele nu ii ofera copilului mic reprezentarea clara de care are nevoie si pot genera vinovatie sau rusine. Un simplu “nu ai voie sa faci asta; daca mai faci asta o data, va trebui sa (iti iau mingea)” este raspunsul cel mai bun.

Vorbiti la persoana I, nu “mami” “tati” pentru a oferi copilului interactiune directa (eu versus tu)

Sa ne iubim copilul inseamna sa il facem fericit in orice moment si sa evitam luptele pentru putere. Adesea inseamna sa facem ceea ce ni se pare cel mai dificil: sa spunem “Nu” si sa vorbim serios.

Niciodata, sub nicio forma, nu luati personal comportamentul copilului atunci cand incalca o limita. Nu reactiona la comportamentul copilului mic ca si cand acesta ar fi un adult.

Atunci cand parintii rostesc mai mult decat o fraza sau doua despre comportamentul nedorit, chiar si atunci cand isi pastreaza calmul, risca sa creeze o poveste despre un copil cu o problema, care il face apoi pe copil sa o identifice ca fiind propria sa poveste sau problema cand, de fapt, a fost doar un comportament impulsiv, de moment, pe care l-a incercat de cateva ori.

“As trata vreodata astfel un adult?” – e o metoda buna de a ne asigura ca tratam copilul cu respect.

Daca un parinte nu crede in validitatea unei reguli sau se teme ca nu va fi respectata de catre copil, exista riscul ca acesta sa nu o urmeze. Comunicarea plina de incredere inseamna sa pui PUNCT la finalul propozitiilor si NU o intrebare cum ar fi “Bine?”

Consecintele nu trebuie sa fie un termen elegant pentru pedepse, ci alegeri rezonabile, logice si potrivite varstei, exprimate cu blandete si incredere si combinate cu recunoasterea emotiilor copilului.

In loc sa ne simtim vinovati, ar trebui sa ne simtim bine pentru ca avem grija de noi insine si punem relatia cu copilul pe primul loc. […] Oferirea limitelor cu sinceritate si respect este calea cea mai eficienta de a asigura siguranta emotionala care ii va ajuta pe copiii nostri sa se simta fericiti si liberi.

Cel mai rezonabil din partea noastra este sa ne asteptam la un comportament nerezonabil din partea copilului mic. Daca ne asteptam la haos, devine mult mai usor sa ne pastram calmul.

In esenta, cei mai multi parinti se tem sa isi educe copiii pentru ca se tem de luptele pentru putere. Se tem sa nu ii copleseasca pe copii cu puterea lor, se tem ca le vor distruge liberul-arbitru si personalitatea. Aceasta este o atitudine ERONATA. […] “Cum poate copilul nostru sa continue sa ne enerveze cand suntem atat de afectuosi si blanzi si respectuosi?” Dar comportamentul copilului NU este in ciuda eforturilor parintelui de a-l multumi sau a atitudinii blande si pasnice a acestuia. Este din cauza acestor lucruri.
Profile Image for Jessica.
221 reviews5 followers
October 15, 2015
2.5 stars.

Okay, this book contains a lot of good tips about having a positive parent-child relationship with your toddler, including very helpful guidelines on communication and staying calm when engaging with the tiny tornado of poor impulse control living in your house. I liked those bits, and have been employing them with my almost 18 month old with...well...zero results because she's teensy, but I imagine it will be helpful as we go forward.

But oh man, the "I know better than you" attitude of the author was hard to stomach. I rolled my eyes constantly. She makes a lot of aside judgement statements that sound preachy and smug about what she considers incorrect discipline, saying things that sound like "well no wonder little Joey is a monster, your parenting approach is all wrong!" with what I assume is a closed-lip tsk-tsk smile while typing. Any parent feeling pretty blue about their skills would probably burst into tears while reading instead of feeling encouraged by learning of new ways to bond with their child.

Such as... "Experiences like Lily's profoundly reiterate for me that we must trust our children's self-healing abilities and know that every one of their feelings is absolutely perfect."

Practically perfect in every way! :/
Profile Image for Torrie.
349 reviews37 followers
February 20, 2018
I didn't agree with everything in this book, but it did give me some concrete strategies of things I needed to work on, which have already helped me in my parenting.

My three big takeaways from this are:
1) Even if they seem totally irrational, I need to acknowledge my child's feelings. This can be as simple as saying, "You're upset because I wouldn't let you run by yourself in the parking lot."
2) State limits in first-person language, rather than in third-person or in other vague terms. (In other words, say, "I won't let you hit me" rather than "Hitting isn't nice" or even "Mama doesn't like it when you hit her." After, gently grab child's hands or feet to prevent the action from being carried through, which is something we were doing anyway.)
3) If I find myself getting ruffled or feeling distinctly angry or annoyed, chances are good I didn't set and enforce a boundary soon enough. Try to set boundaries EARLY while chances are still good that I'll be able to remain calm throughout the encounter.
Profile Image for Hayley DeRoche.
Author 1 book52 followers
May 6, 2016
Really helpful in terms of laying out how to be an authoritative (not to be confused with authoritarian) parent, and give respectful guidance. Full disclosure: I felt really silly (like, REALLY SILLY) the first few times I was like "I see you're having trouble doing x, I'm going to hold your hands to help you" etc. in the way she suggests for correcting behavior, but as I've continued doing it, it's come to feel less and less contrived/robotic.

The notion that children crave leadership and guidance and that "bad" behavior is essentially a cry for help and leadership is a really empowering and sobering one.
Profile Image for Heather.
810 reviews11 followers
Shelved as 'abandoned'
January 9, 2017
I need to stop reading parenting books. Halfway through and no solid ideas on discipline but a fine sense of guilt.
Profile Image for Natalia UN.
193 reviews23 followers
August 22, 2020
O carte bună de parenting, care ar fi foarte potrivită părinților cu copii până la trei ani. Ideea principală este că copiii au nevoie de limite, dar acestea trebuiesc stabilite cu blândețe. Cred ca se poate culege multă informație utilă din această lectură, dar trebuie sa o adaptăm fiecărui copil în parte.

📚 "Adesea, copiii mici își exprimă independența contrazicându-ne, oricare ar fi subiectul. Magda Gerber ne povestea adeseori despre un copil mic care striga „Nu!“ înainte de a accepta bucuros înghețata oferită de părinte. Sfidarea este o reacție aproape automată. Când noi spunem „Da“, copiii mici au o dorință copleşitoare de a spune „Nu" (și viceversa), indiferent dacă cred sau nu asta. Nu e nimic personal."

📚 "Părinții ezită adesea să le impună limite copiilor lor, pentru că preferă să nu aibă de-a face cu împotrivirea și reacţiile negative. Nu ne simțim bine când copiii noştri sunt nefericiți și este chiar mai rău când noi suntem răspunzători pentru asta. S-ar putea să ne simtim vinovaţi, să ne facem probleme că dezamăgirea sau furia copiilor noștri vor dura sau să ne temem că se vor simți neiubiți ori vor înceta să ne iubească pentru că nu i-am lăsat să facă așa cum doreau."
164 reviews
February 23, 2017
The core thesis of this book can be summarised as: accord your child's feelings, opinions, needs and wants with the same respect you would give any other persons. This is a compelling proposition, I've read the primary research that substantiates it and, because my initial, uninformed opinion was more "authoritarian", I've seen the happy, emotionally mature and thoughtful children its progressive adoption has created in my own family.

So the idea behind this book is good. But the book itself is terrible and best described as a "listicle of listicles". As the introduction notes, the content is mostly sourced from the author's blog posts and it shows in the low quality book that results.

Consisting of about 30-35k words, the book is divided into 35 short chapters. Whilst these are loosely grouped into themes it's hard to find an arc to the book. Certainly none is articulated. What's more, most of the individual articles are themselves nothing more than lists. Whether it's inability, lack of effort or a genuine, unarticulated impossibility, the author has not attempted to synthesise any overall conclusions or connect chapter to chapter. The resulting text is, quite literally, a list of lists:

"Chapter 1. First, XXX. Second, YYY. Third, ZZZ. Etc"

Some of the more interesting content are the letters from parents with the author's response. Whilst the responses almost always devolve to a list, prefaced with "Dear" and suffixed with "Warmly", the case example provided by the initiating letter provide context to an otherwise platitudinous flow of words.

And this is the deeper problem. Whilst I agree with the author's mindset and perspective, an agreement based on my own independent reading of the research, she presents no research or arguments for why her view is right. An endless sequence of platitudes and appeals to the authority of someone else who says the same thing is no more convincing than Gina Ford's (antithetical) arguments for scheduling and authoritarian discipline.

To summarise: A book is much more than a collection of chapters. An argument is much more than an assertion. Other books ("Raising Boys" and "Raising Girls" come to mind) put this poor effort to shame.
Profile Image for Ugnė | pilna_lentyna.
193 reviews105 followers
August 2, 2021
Prieš pradėdama skaityti šią knygą, svarsčiau, ar joje pavyks rasti sau kažką aktualaus. Knyga orientuota į jaunesnių atžalų turinčius tėvus, pavyzdžiuose dažniausiai minimi kūdikiai ar 2-4m. mažyliai. Auginant trylikametį paauglį ir septynmetę dukrą, dauguma knygoje aptariamų problemų, jau seniai užmirštos. Tačiau, knygoje radau nemažai universlaių patarimų, tinkamų bet kokio amžiaus vaikui. Pagarba vaikui, ribų nustatymas, kantrybė sunkiausiais vaikų gyvenimo tarpsniais, amžiaus ribų neturi.⠀

Autorė, remdamasi ilgamete darbo su vaikais ir jų tėvais patirtimi, laiškų - atsakymų ir patarimų forma, pasakoja apie vaikams taip reikalingų ribų nustatymą, pagarbų elgesį su jais ir ne visada malonių, bet natūralių jų emocijų priėmimą.⠀

Nesu tokio žanro knygų mėgėja, nes dažniausiai visos parašytos labai sausai ir primena mokyklinį vadovėlį. Ši, priešingai - lengvai, suprantamai išdėstytas tekstas, jokio moralizavimo. Vienintelis trūkumas - keliose vietose jautėsi, lyg autorė kalbėtų "tą patį, per tą patį". ⠀

Žadu išbandyti kelis knygoje aprašytus "triukus" - pažiūrėsim, ar tikrai veikia 😀⠀

Rekomenduoju visiems naujai iškeptiems tėvams ir tiems, kurie dar tik laukia šeimos pagausėjimo ar abejojantiems, kad vaiką įmanoma drausminti be fizinių bausmių. 👨‍👩‍👧‍👦🤰
Profile Image for Bobbie Greene.
60 reviews3 followers
November 3, 2014
This book came out at just the right time for my family. My son had just turned 20 months and was starting to hit my husband and me, his classmates, and other family members. He had thrown a couple of tantrums by this point, too; and he was becoming a bit defiant. I've followed Janet Lansbury's blog over the past couple of years, and even though I knew this would basically be a collection of posts I'd read before, I knew I needed to read it all again now that these topics were timely for me.
It has been such a benefit to my family and to our relationship with our son to know how to interact with him in a gentle and respectful way. I want to encourage his confidence and independence while instilling in him a healthy respect for boundaries and consequences, so Lansbury and RIE are just right for my family. We've had very few moments in which I did not feel in control and capable, and it's because the guidelines Lansbury sets up for readers are simple and effective.
I recommend this for all parents, regardless of age. I've even applied these concepts to my high school students and have been amazed at their effectiveness!
Profile Image for Nata.
402 reviews104 followers
December 12, 2017
”Nu putem controla emoțiile unei alte persoane. Putem influența numai libertatea pe care o simte copilul nostru să le exprime. Încurajarea exprimării emoțiilor și recunoașterea lor reprezintă cheia către sănătatea emoțională și prețuirea de sine a copilului nostru.”

Mi-a plăcut cartea și exemplele pe care le deține. Tema limitelor în educația copiilor mei este una importantă și cartea această îmi răspunde concret la unele întrebări pe care mi le puneam, totodată am găsit și veriga mea slabă în procesul stabilirii acestor limite. O recomand părinților care își educă copiii cu blândețe și respect.
Profile Image for Teodora Grigorie.
152 reviews5 followers
March 6, 2020
I like Janet's blog so I wanted to see if her book is just a blog print-out. Fortunately, this book has a clear structure and messaging, with various topics discussed in properly-split chapters. I believe all parents should read this book and get over the 'guilt' you may feel whilst reading it - take the helpful lessons from the examples given by Janet and simply accept that all parents make mistakes. This is how we grow.
Profile Image for India.
164 reviews
July 16, 2021
Love Janet Lansbury’s perspective on discipline: “Discipline is help.” A child who’s misbehaving is asking us to help them. When they’re being defiant, they’re not feeling relaxed, free or happy; they’re feeling uneasy, insecure and stuck, and they need our help – in the form of clear, calm boundary-setting – to get them out of that place.
I also love (and routinely use) a lot of the wording Lansbury suggests: “I won’t let you throw that” … “I can see how upset you are. You really wanted to hold that and I moved it away” etc.
The thing I have reservations about is what kind of behaviour requires discipline, according to her. For example, she recommends firmly preventing a kid from climbing on you during a playgroup, or refusing to let a kid walk to the car wearing your shoes after leaving a dinner party. She often criticises parents who wait for their children to be ready to leave a place or who let their children inconvenience them by making a mess around the house.
I still lean much more towards Alfie Kohn’s take: say no as little as possible, and also if you wanted a tidy house and to get places on time, maybe you shouldn’t have had kids.
Profile Image for Emilia P.
1,704 reviews49 followers
November 2, 2018
Ehhhhh. DID YOU KNOW I have kids? They have lots of feelings.
Here is what I appreciated about this book: Getting in your car seat is not a negotiation. Do it.
Here is what I didn't get from this book: Never give time-outs. Sure, don't give a one year old a time out. But three year olds need to step away from situations that are out of control sometimes (and even two year olds who have made the same bad choice six times today! gasp!), and its not because they are bad but because they need to take some breaths by themselves just like every damn person in the world.

This felt like a case of speaking too broadly, and being misinterpreted by parents who want to see themselves as gentle and thoughtful. Which it is fine to be! I just felt like this book epitomized "practical parenting advice that is just freaking common sense." more than anything else I've read. Hooray!
Profile Image for Mike.
201 reviews2 followers
August 31, 2017
I found the advice here to be extremely useful as I try to balance being a loving dad who wants my son to be empowered and emotionally happy with my own sanity as he skillfully tests every last grain of patience and sanity in me.

At first I found reading the book to be disheartening as I thought, "I'm the worst parent in the world" for having punitive thoughts about addressing his behavior and sometimes acting on it by taking a toy of his away or speaking harshly. Then I realized more and more that there is no one who is a perfect parent. We all do our best and that there was a lot of stuff in there I was already doing.

The best piece of advice I found in the book was that you have to remind yourself over and over until it's drummed into your head as absolute truth: "Our children love, appreciate, and need us far more than they can ever say." Because so often it does not feel that way when they are tantrumming or acting out or dealing with lots of emotions they don't know how to handle. It's going to be my goal to make myself remember this before I address his behavior and from that place, I think things are going to be so much better.

Overall as a book, it's pretty light. Very short chapters, some of which are just a letter from a parent and her reply. You could probably get the same info from reading her blog.
Profile Image for Solodchi Andreea.
200 reviews30 followers
June 6, 2019
Autoarea ne oferă un ghid practic de parenting, extrem de util părinților, cu răspunsuri la situații concrete.
Cartea ne va ajuta să ne înțelegem copiii atunci când aceștia se poartă într-un fel total nepotrivit sau extrem de enervant pentru noi părinții (fac crize, ni se împotrivesc, plâng, se smiorcăie, ne sfidează, lovesc). În lumea adulților nu există copii răi, există copii mici cu emoții puternice.

Cartea asta a fost o adevărată revelație.

《Spuneti "da" emoțiilor. Mereu. Copiii au nevoie de libertate ca să-și exprime emoțiile cele mai profunde, intense, ciudate, revoltătoare sau aparent nepotrivite.
Emoțiile sunt profund conectate cu "sinele", așa că, începând de la naștere, copiii noștri au nevoie să știe că le vom auzi și accepta răbdători toate emoțiile și că vom face tot ce ne stă în puteri să le înțelegem. Provocarea este să nu înăbușim emoțiile copiilor (prin distragerea atenției, pedepse sau alte reacții care le invalidează) și, de asemenea, să nu lăsăm izbucnirile lor emoționale să aibă un impact prea mare asupra noastră - să ne auzim și să ne sprijinim copilul fără a-i absorbi stările.》
Profile Image for Gabrielė|Kartu su knyga.
491 reviews249 followers
October 15, 2021
Apie šią knygą jau nemažai pasako tai, jog ji yra serijos "Pabučiuok mane" knygelė. Prieš keletą metų skaičiau vieną šios serijos knygą, kuri man paliko tikrai puikų įspūdį. Ir ši knyga man pasirodė naudinga bei informatyvi.

Šioje knygoje Janet Lansbury dalinasi patarimais, kurie yra pagrįsti kitų ekspertų atliktais tyrimais bei dvidešimties metų darbo su tėvais ir jų mažyliais patirtimi. Autorė apžvelgia tokias svarbias temas kaip : bausmės, bendradarbiavimas, ribų nustatymas, pykčio priepuoliai ir kita.

Galbūt kitiems atrodo, jog tokias knygas skaityti yra beprasmiška ir vaikus galima užauginti ir be knygų. Man atrodo, jog dažnu atveju knygos atsako į rūpimus klausimus ir padeda geriau suvokti vaiko tam tikrą elgesį. Paskutiniu metu, mano dukra nuolat išbando ribas ir kartais tampa tikrai nelengva išlikti pozityvia bei kantria asmenybe. Šios knygos dėka supratau, jog aš ne viena tokia, o daugybė tėvų susiduria su tokiomis pačiomis problemomis kaip ir aš. Perskaičiusi šią knygą jaučiuosi kur kas drąsiau ir keletą autorės aprašytų patarimų tikrai panaudosiu ir ateityje. Mano akimis, ši knyga buvo gana paprasta, bet tuo pačiu konkreti. Petskaičius ją papildomų klausimų man nekilo, tačiau pasirodė, jog ši knyga skirta labiau mažesnių vaikučių tėveliams. Sakyčiau, jog ji labiau tiktų 2-3 metų vaikų tėvams.
Dar viena puiki serijos "Pabučiuok mane" knyga.
Profile Image for Raluca Lupasteanu (Gramschi).
26 reviews5 followers
August 5, 2021
Cred ca pentru mine a functionat mai mult ca o carte de self-help: subliniaza importanta stabilirii limitelor pentru copil si modul in care sa o faci cu blandete. Abordarea propusa mi se potriveste ca stil, am uneori dificultati in a face asta.
RIE in general are sens. Ca majoritatea cartilor americane, aceleasi idei se repeta sub diverse forme. Pana la urma e ok, asa cresc sansele sa le retii. :)
Idei cu care am ramas: comunicarea directa, recunoasterea sentimentelor copilului, stabilirea limitelor clar, ferm si bland, testarea limitelor e ceva normal in dezvoltarea copilului, nevoia copilului de ajutor atunci cand este prea agitat, mofturos, obosit sau testeaza prea mult limitele.
As reciti-o si cand M face 2 ani si ceva.
Profile Image for Anca Diana.
28 reviews9 followers
August 10, 2020
Very on point book, giving parents a fast idea on how to be empathetic with their kids, how to help them explore and be creative, without adding useless rules, but also how to set limits with calm. Empowering for parents and kids at the same time. I may review It periodically when I will feel chalenged by my toddler.
Does not go into very “phylosophical” details like some books (that I like but sometimes one may not have the time to go through it), so it is helpful for busy parents who want a quick reminder how to reconnect with the children while educating them.
Profile Image for Kevin Beal.
12 reviews1 follower
July 29, 2018
Useful and I'm glad I read it, but it's not exactly a philosophical book.

There are times when we are invited to see children like adults and then asked not to, to let kids do what kids do and then to not let kids get away with too much.

We are not given much help as readers in distinguishing between seemingly contradictory options.

I like Lansbury's work, generally, but I am never left with much in the way of of principles - by which I can come to make my own conclusions.

For example, it is not respectful to use baby talk according to RIE (the methodology driving Janet's work). We wouldn't talk to adults that way, and that's it. But that's not a standard that actually makes sense, nor is it consistent with other advice. It just fits a narrative conveniently. It's disrespectful because I said so, I guess.

It's just a lot of conclusions.

I was hoping for more.
Profile Image for Dan Callahan.
86 reviews1 follower
January 14, 2023
I dunno how I stumbled upon Janet Lansbury. Think I found her on a list of good parenting podcasts. Liked what she was spitting. I’m a Pisces so I gots feelings. She values the importance of letting kids express their feelings. These bill is about being authoritative but not authoritarian. Good strategies on setting limits for your kids and sticking with them and most importantly being ok with them being upset about your limits. I think this is the kind of parent I want to be. If you’ve got littles that are starting to become actual humans and you aren’t sure how to deal with that, this is a quick easy read that could give you some ideas.
Profile Image for Skaistė.
505 reviews117 followers
January 15, 2023
Susidomėjau dėl drausminimo temos, kuri man yra iššūkis. Išsinešu neblogų minčių, bet visgi man pritrūko aiškumo ir konkretumo.
Profile Image for Paige R .
19 reviews
December 22, 2021
As a child care educator, I do these techniques and felt she did a good job explaining and breaking them down.
As a parent I can see how she sort of skimmed over topics and didn’t go into in-depth detail. But you need to remember every child and every situation is different so pretty hard to give examples of failures and success. Since this book isn’t very long hopefully it won’t discourage parents from reading all the way through and picking up some new ideas and concepts to try with your little ones.
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