In Now You Want Me, Now You Don’t, Dr. Jeanette Raymond stands conventional wisdom on its head by showing that men often long for emotional intimacy more than women, and that many women use sex to connect, rather than emotional closeness. Readers are given a ringside seat in the therapist’s office as Rick and Christy seek couples counseling with Dr. Raymond. After four years of marriage, one son, and continued efforts to get close to his wife, 30-year-old Rick is heartbroken at being shut out and kept out emotionally, no matter how hard he tries to connect. But when Christy storms out after two sessions, Rick decides to stick it out, motivated by Dr. Raymond’s certainty that he will discover the reasons for his wife’s coldness and recover the intimacy they’ve lost in their relationship. As the sessions progress, Dr. Raymond helps Rick understand his desperation for emotional intimacy and why Christy constantly rebuffs him. The couple’s history and their life stories before they met are woven into a compelling narrative that explains the attraction that drew them together, while at the same time keeping them emotionally apart. Dr. Raymond uses Rick’s deep experience of rejection to point out the similarities in the psychological defenses both he and his wife built to survive their painful childhoods. And though Rick is skeptical about the 10-step program that Dr. Raymond suggests to help Christy feel safe enough for intimacy, he is astonished to find that the strategies work! Now You Want Me, Now You Don’t takes readers on a roller coaster ride of elation and disappointment as Rick’s hopes soar that he will save his relationship, then plummet as he’s overcome with frustration and threatens to quit therapy. This book gives readers a suspenseful and intimate glimpse into a couple’s life, as they wrestle with the thorns that pierce their idealistic bubbles and strive to regain the comfortable rhythm of emotional intimacy they had when they fell in love.
Dr. Jeanette Raymond is a psychologist and psychotherapist with a private practice in Los Angeles California. Born in Calcutta, India, she was educated in Great Britain, getting her M.Ed before beginning her career as a child and educational psychologist.
After settling in America Dr. Raymond obtained her Ph.D. in clinical psychology and switched her focus to helping adults establish more secure relationships. She has a certificate in psychoanalytic psychotherapy informing her deep and transformational work with relationally traumatized people.
She contributes to training courses for psychotherapists and offers insight and relationship advice on a regular basis via her blogs and videos.
I really liked this book from the very start. Mostly, because it’s different from any other marriage/self-help book I’ve read thus far… in that, the book takes you through an actual case-study of a couple… where each chapter switches focus between the husband and the wife. This book had me captivated and really focused up until the end. Most self-help books get boring, but this one didn’t. Those are the plusses. But I have some minuses too. I was really let down by the end of this book. Most marriage books provide “hope” to couples struggling in their marriages. And throughout this book, it did seem positive, as the author continued to help her client improve his marriage and intimacy with his wife. However, the ending of the book, was a little harsh/biased against women in a marriage… which as a married woman myself, I was immediately offended by her negative portrayal of women in a marriage, as not all women fall into the categories she’s assigned them. And I was also let down that the end of the book did not offer much “hope” and/or guidance for couples who may be struggling in their marriages. It’s like the end of the book did the “opposite” of what the entire book was meant to do… as if the ending lost the “focus” of the book. Overall, this was a good/interesting book to read… and unlike any others out there. However, if you’re a couple looking for hope in your marriage… just ignore the very end of this book, because it doesn’t leave you feeling all warm and cozy inside.