We Become What We Normalize: What We Owe Each Other in Worlds That Demand Our Silence

by David Dark

From one of the most respected thinkers and public intellectuals of our day comes a book that is both a cultural critique of the state of our country and a robust summons to resist complicity. As we move through the world, we constantly weigh our conscience against what David Dark calls "deferential fear"—going along just to get along, especially in relation to our cultural, political, and religious conversations. Dark reveals our compromised the host of hidden structures and tacit social arrangements that draw us away from ourselves and threaten to turn us slowly into what we decry in others.

We Become What We Normalize counsels a creative, slow, and artful response to the economy of reaction, hurry, shaming, and fearmongering. Dark offers a deep analysis of the ways our conceptions of ourselves and our use of technology often lead us away from what we believe, reinforcing the false narrative that we must humiliate others in order to survive. "I suspect we become what we sit still for, what we play along with, and what we abide in our attempts to access more perceived power and more alleged influence," Dark writes. We Become What We Normalize calls for a new kind of struggle, ethic, witness, and spirit that helps us step away from the infinite loop of normalizing harm into effecting true change for ourselves and the worlds we inhabit.

Genres: Theology, Politics, Nonfiction, Religion, Audiobook

Audible Audio

Published November 14, 2023

About the author

David Dark is the critically acclaimed author of "The Sacredness of Questioning Everything," "Everyday Apocalypse: The Sacred Revealed in Radiohead, The Simpsons, and Other Pop Culture Icons" and "The Gospel According To America: A Meditation on a God-blessed, Christ-haunted Idea." An educator, Dark is currently pursuing his PhD in Religious Studies at Vanderbilt University. He has had articles published in Paste, Oxford American, Books and Culture, Christian Century, among others. A frequent speaker, Dark has also appeared on C-SPAN’s Book-TV and in an award-winning documentary, "Marketing the Message." He lives with his singer-songwriter wife, Sarah Masen, and their three children in Nashville.

Reviews

[L.E. Heron]

"Recounting trauma is powerful but emotionally taxing. It is perhaps more so when the person you are recounting it to won’t look you in the eye, refuses to shake your hand, or walks into a bathroom to ignore you."

A fascinating book that felt like a change of pace. As far as I can tell, this is a conservative Christian takedown of the alt-right and MAGA crowd, leaning into concepts such as reactivity vs responsiveness; anti-racism; and how one should hold themselves with dignity in the modern world. Those particularly on trial include Donald Trump and those around him who deemed his behaviour and actions permissible in return for a Republican seat of power. The impression I got was that the author was quietly building a case reminiscent of St Mark: "For what shall it profit a man, if he shall gain the whole world, and lose his own soul?"

I received an ARC of this book via Edelweiss+ in return for an honest review.

[Austin Spence]

How do we pay attention to our lives and our witness to others? Radiohead inspired themes of robotic reactions to relationships all the way to public, prophetic exorcisms: this book touches the deeply insecure yet social humanoid in me.

[Kristen Freiburger]

“Is this thing on?” “Is this thing on?” “Is this thing on?” What?!?! Such a cluster. The author could benefit from Ritalin.

[Zachary]

I love the way that David Dark thinks. He's always got a side approach to the seemingly obvious ways that we interact with the world, and thereby calls our attention to the subtle but oh-so-important ways that this world does not need to be. This book in particular acts as a moral challenge, pushing Christians and everyone who sees themselves as a decent person to put their ostensible beliefs into action in big and small ways--since even the small ways we fight injustice are big ways in their own right. Through a wonderful array of examples, prophetic voices, and truth- and storytelling (if those are at all different), Dark challenges us all to speak into the chaos of our world and make human contact. It's a difficult call, but one that we all need to heed. And Dark's writing is captivatingly poetic and stylistic, beautiful to read and aching for us all to engage it in action. My one minor critique is actually that I want more detail and specificity here. Dark does a decent job most of the time giving the full narrative of people that he's writing about, anecdotes about Sarah Huckabee Sanders and Lebron James stand out here. But other times, it felt like he was rather cursory in his elaboration on other important people, like Reality Winner, whose case he mentions multiple times but never (to my feeling) gives sufficient detail about. A similar critique can be leveled towards the conceptual tools that he's building and defining for us throughout the book. They have wonderful, evocative, curiosity-raising names and mostly we're told what enacting these theoretical constructs look like, but I was always searching for/hoping for just a bit more specificity, a clear-cut definition that could be advanced not just in argument with others (for that would be ungraceful) but in loving conversation. Dark sometimes dances around landing on a concrete way of defining these concepts, relying more on illustrations than anything else to get the point across, when really I wanted those illustrations plus just a bit more. But that's all fairly minor when there are other, such important ideas to talk about, and moral demands to be met. And making those demands clear is absolutely something that this book excels at.

[Jon Anderson]

The author's central tenet that we become what we give our attention to (the Bible would say we become like what we worship) is an important one. However, the transformation (which he admits his own need for) that he sets forth from embracing this tenet only ever travels in one direction, to a very particular vision and understanding.

[Jacob Betts]

Absolutely fantastic as always. David Dark presents introspective, thoughtful, and nuanced thoughts that are increasingly relevant with each new day.

[Mandeera]

Jfc.. is this thing on? Haven't been this frustrated with a book in a while.
Interesting premise ends up a clusterfuck of a white liberal rant.

[Josh Olds]

We Become What We Normalize. That sentence—the title of David Dark’s latest think piece—is poignant and demands self-reflection. Not “we become what we do” or “we come what we think” but “we become what we allow to be seen as normal.” And when we look at the normalcy of economic disparity, ecological catastrophe, racial inequity, and so many other things, we find that what we’ve normalized is leading to our destruction rather than our flourishing. We Become What We Normalize is a stream-of-consciousness social critique that calls readers to resist conformation and instead call out and speak against the things that ought not be.

Dark challenges the reader to resist the false idols of power and influence, advocating for a return to true connection and community. He offers a creative and artful response to what he sees as the prevailing culture of reaction, hurry, shaming, and fearmongering. We Become What We Normalize showcases Dark’s depth and breadth of cultural knowledge as he emphasizes the need for a new kind of struggle, ethic, witness, and spirit, encouraging individuals to step away from the cycle of normalizing harm and effecting real change in their lives and the broader world.

That said, this is a book that lives for the vibes. Dark purposefully creates a compelling pathos to the book, but the structure and cohesiveness of the content is a bit lacking. Dark assumes his audience knows all the cultural touchstones that he references, weaving in and out of anecdotes and references, often choosing obscure and complex stories when I could easily think of more well-known and applicable examples. The result is a book that feels a little discombobulating. Dark jumps around from here to there, never landing on anything long enough to really gaze on it with any substance. He touches on some very relevant themes, but how it all ties together felt a bit lacking in some areas.

Despite that, We Become What We Normalize’s thesis is sound. Dark's message is a summons for individuals to critically evaluate what they accept and participate in, suggesting that our actions and the things we normalize can profoundly shape our character and society. Dark also offers hope to those who feel that do not have the power to change the prevailing zeitgeist by saying it is enough to simply stand against it. We may not have the power to change it, but we can refuse to normalize it. It is difficult to navigate the complexities of modern society without losing sight of our core values and beliefs. Dark offers us light, illuminating the path forward.

[Matt C]

Ask yourself this question when pondering your understanding of your identity: is this thing on? Is your deepest and most creatively responsive self, your moral center, online and available? Don’t be conflict-avoidant! Sit with your conflicted feelings. Tension is essential to full transformation. Little inaccuracies deployed to relieve tension, add up to inauthentic environments and unsafe spaces. Risk averseness can cost us our capacity to be moved, which is our capacity to love. Don’t relieve tension, but dwell within it! If you’re not agitated, you’re not listening.

Beware the suppression of conscience. We should respond, not repress. Our lives should be marked by creative noncompliance to the sinful norms of this world. Surround yourself with “playful people who make beautiful decisions!” Decisions create culture. Ask not if you’re in a cult, ask this: which ones? We become what we sit still for, what we play along with. We become what we cave to. We become what we let slide. The middle ground is not holy ground; actively reject all manifestations of the bystander effect.

We become what we behold, voice, amplify. We’re not just responsible for our own ideas, we are also responsible for the ideas we allow others to lift up unchallenged in our presence. If you don’t name what’s happening, everyone can pretend it’s not happening. We are cultures, sitting in and saturated by cultures. Fight the system, love the people, name what’s happening,

There’s no avoiding it: deferential fear is a human phenomenon! Ideas can be thought of as robots (automatic dispositions). We demonize when we don’t know what to do with our despair, so let’s make a point to remind ourselves constantly to exorcise our harmful robots! The voice that comes to trouble you is most often your own!

We can’t address what we won’t see. In a community of thoughtfulness, our job is to be as real as we can with the language we have. Honest indignation is situational awareness. Be a prophet, one that dwells on thresholds. Recognize that the more illusion and falsehood needed to maintain any given state of affairs, the more tyranny is needed to maintain the illusion and falsehood.

[Glenda]

DNF @ 50%
I really thought the central thesis of this book as important for all of us to self reflect upon and evaluate ourselves, especially in our society today. The first couple chapters expanded and explained this idea, which I thought very insightful.
However the subsequent chapters brought in several modern examples that the author believed to illustrate his point, but I did thought them very weak and believed them to have different impact or motivations than what he explained. For example, he praised the tweeting and subsequent public position LeBron James did with regard to a tragic shooting as someone who risked career and public censure for taking action to unnormalize systemic racism. Firstly, the fact that he constantly referred to LeBron James as King James IMO shows an unreasonable elevation of this celebrity human. Second, though his actions could be commendable they did not go against the current of mainstream opinion, therefore the actions were not as risky as he argues. The premise of this example requires one to agree that our society is racist and that someone taking a stand against racism is the one that is attempting to un-normalize this toxic societal trait. I disagree and believe the opposite to be true, that the majority of our American society tries to be color-blind, has laws to ensure these protections, but still fails in some regards to be completely. I believe LeBron was right to bring to light this tragedy in an attempt to correct a failing. But again, this is a very weak example because racism isn't a prevalent, normalized society trait.
I try not to let a difference of opinion prevent me from hearing someone out, but unfortunately because of what I felt to be weak or even contrary examples for his argument I quickly lost interest and let this library loan return without completing.

[Maileen Hamto]

In the age of divisive and explosive cultural, religious, and political rhetoric that often plays out on social media, silence and complicity are common responses. When ideas borne out of reactivity – like demonizing women, migrants, and critical race theory – are shouted from the highest platforms and go unchallenged, we perpetuate and contribute to harm. Author David Dark challenges readers to exercise discernment, examine power, practice critical thinking, and avoid the reactionary impulse to join a bellowing crowd for survival’s sake. In "We Become What We Normalize," the acclaimed public intellectual wields a sharp critique of Whiteness, privilege, and authority that ensures the continuation of dysfunctional systems and institutions.

This book is an essential read, especially as Americans approach yet another tenuous political election cycle. There are voices of dissent from all sides of various issues, and most people who do not feel strongly about a concern are often voiceless and unheard. Whether fueled by indifference or anxiety, the decision to refrain from engaging in difficult but necessary conversations allows harm and violence to prevail. When individuals recognize their agency to interrupt deleterious power-over gatekeeping and gaslighting, we can change fear- and shame-based discourse to focus on our collective thriving. There is hope that by pondering Dark’s words, some of us may harness the courage and “authentic humanness” necessary to overcome systemic evils.

[Alex Sager]

An especially good read for those with any background in or experience with white evangelicalism, and perhaps more specifically for those familiar with the phrase “third-wayer.” Dark encourages readers to consider context and meaning and unexamined opinions, question whiteness (White Supremacist Antichrist Poltergeist, anyone?), and shares examples of those who’ve acted with moral seriousness- what Rep. John Lewis described as good trouble. Modern day prophets.

With an ongoing sneaky humor and serious compassion he presents "Robot Soft Exorcism" as a means by which to take on the military-industrial-entertainment-incarceration complex. If there is any hold up, it is perhaps a sometimes-barrage of one liners and self-snark, but even so I find these moments helpful (and many times deeply funny) in “making it stick.” David’s wisdom and voice as an educator is apparent in these moments of self-reflection and confession.

To sum it up I think I’ll say for now: this is a book about courage, and a lesson in thoughtfulness.

[Ember Tharpe]

This book was really insightful! I like finding books that help me identify what my reading taste is, and I felt like this was a great example. It was a good combination of philosophy and social science, written in a sort of conversational tone. My only critique would be that I think he should have been more specific about who carries the brunt of these responsibilities and values (ie, the differences in responsibility for speaking up against racism between a white woman and a Black woman, etc.) but other than that it hit a contemporary chord that isn't always easy to describe!

[Hudson Rowland]

Dark has the uncanny ability to make very basic concepts unintelligible. Shrouded in unending stories and verbosity, each chapter turns into a giant question mark as I read it. And this is also part of the appeal when reading him - he can turn something dull into an enjoyable tale with cultural critique and humor intertwined. But by the end of the book, when I summarize for my wife, I realize that with all of the words written, not much was really said.

[Nancy]

So challenging. Seeing ways to operate within our political world (which we all are, even if. Or professionally) in a human and genuine way. Learning how to respond, rather than react. How to speak up in a way that might actually be heard by someone with a different view of society. Even, dare I hope, to make a difference in my corner of the world. Great read!

[Tommy Stickel]

This was my first time reading anything by David Dark, and I quickly connected. Definitely had some moments in this book that spoke to my core. Some deep realizations of why I made some of the choices in my life I have. As a big fan of the band Thrice, I was shocked to find them linked here. Wild! Important messages are in this book. Important challenges.

[Tessa {bleeds glitter}]

Not my kind of writing, there is too much repetition to drive a point home that I didn't even find that compelling. It's also very... preachy, if I remember correctly. I felt talked at instead of talked with. While I agree with most points Dark makes, I found the audiobook exhausting and not very impactful.

[Jodi]

I was familiar with the premise from Dr. Dark's tweets & his previous books (and therefore didn't feel the frustration from "Is this thing on?" that negative reviews seemed to struggle with). I appreciate his call to moral seriousness and considering what our choices turn us into.

[Robin Hunt]

4 words: White Supremacist AntiChrist Poltergeist.

His reframing of modern worldly divides as intentional spiritual warfare and deception is one of the most profound things I’ve read since Kendi’s Anti-Racist books.

[Tamara]

incredible and challenging as always.

[Sean]

Essential reading if we are ever going to climb out from within the eye sockets of the robots we occupy and challenge others to do the same.

[Stephen Lamb]

David’s words have been an essential help and provocation in shaping my thinking for at least 16 years now. Glad for another entry into his oeuvre.

[Justin Lonas]

A gem of moral seriousness in the vein of Havel and Baldwin and Thurman.

[Benjamin Shurance]

There's a lot worth thinking about here. Decisions create culture.

[Marianna]

So much to wrestle with here. I do wish Dark would stick to clear language vs. made up “concepts”.

[Braden Drake]

Incredibly relevant for todays political climate, and provides you with new unique lenses to address common occurrences through

[Conagher]

Talks in circles, doesn't present (m)any challenges to their own thoughts, slow read, lot of filler

[Julie Foss]

https://www.goodreads.com/review/edit...#

[TJ Vaught]

This book was an awesome way to start the year.
I had this idea of what it could talk about given the name, and it exceeded my expectations. It is extremely relevant to history right now.

[Scott]

This writer is very good at writing. He weaves together different tapestries of words. I think what this writer is all about is thinking things a lot of people i know think and also putting it very well. Many people feel the way he does, and you may have heard it, but he writes beautifully.

it also is important because it can give us a glimpse into Christians who support Trump and that mindset.