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The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work: A Practical Guide from the Country's Foremost Relationship Expert

John M. Gottman,

Nan Silver

4.21 · Rating details · 18,432 ratings · 1,424 reviews

Just as Masters and Johnson were pioneers in the study of human sexuality, so Dr. John Gottman has revolutionized the study of marriage. As a professor of psychology at the University of Washington and the founder and director of the Seattle Marital and Family Institute, he has studied the habits of married couples in unprecedented detail over the course of many years. His Just as Masters and Johnson were pioneers in the study of human sexuality, so Dr. John Gottman has revolutionized the study of marriage. As a professor of psychology at the University of Washington and the founder and director of the Seattle Marital and Family Institute, he has studied the habits of married couples in unprecedented detail over the course of many years. His findings, and his heavily attended workshops, have already turned around thousands of faltering marriages.

This book is the culmination of his life's work: the seven principles that guide couples on the path toward a harmonious and long-lasting relationship. Straightforward in their approach, yet profound in their effect, these principles teach partners new and startling strategies for making their marriage work. Gottman helps couples focus on each other, on paying attention to the small day-to-day moments that, strung together, make up the heart and soul of any relationship. Being thoughtful about ordinary matters provides spouses with a solid foundation for resolving conflict when it does occur and finding strategies for living with those issues that cannot be resolved.

Packed with questionnaires and exercises whose effectiveness has been proven in Dr. Gottman's workshops, The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work is the definitive guide for anyone who wants their relationship to attain its highest potential.

The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work is the result of Dr. John Gottman's many years of closely observing thousands of marriages. This kind of longitudinal research has never been done before. Based on his findings, he has culled seven principles essential to the success of any marriage.
Maintain a love map.
Foster fondness and admiration.
Turn toward instead of away.
Accept influence.
Solve solvable conflicts.
Cope with conflicts you can't resolve.
Create shared meaning.

Dr. Gottman's unique questionnaires and exercises will guide couples on the road to revitalizing their marriage, or making a strong one even better. ...more

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Paperback, Revised and Updated Edition, 320 pages

Published May 5th 2015 by Harmony (first published 1999)

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Mar 03, 2013 Billie Pritchett rated it it was amazing · review of another edition

Shelves: love-and-sexuality, psychology

John Gottman's Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work provides in detail the ways in which a person could have a healthy marriage and by extension the principles also generally apply to romantic relationships in general and perhaps even just friendships. I'll put this principles in my own words to make them more perspicuous; you can read the book if you want his words.

The first principle is to increase your knowledge about each other. You ought to be able to know, for example, who your signif John Gottman's Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work provides in detail the ways in which a person could have a healthy marriage and by extension the principles also generally apply to romantic relationships in general and perhaps even just friendships. I'll put this principles in my own words to make them more perspicuous; you can read the book if you want his words.

The first principle is to increase your knowledge about each other. You ought to be able to know, for example, who your significant other doesn't like at work. You should also know his or her life philosophy. And what her deepest dreams are. Etc.

The second principle is about nurturing your fondness and admiration for each other. This involves first looking at your partner worthy of dignity and respect. Too often in a relationship you can get hung up on how you don't like your partner's habits or you don't like some of these fundamental differences in attitude he or she has from you. By focusing again on your partner's positive characteristics, reminding yourself why you like or love this person in the first place, will help you re-center your relationship.

The third principle is turning to your partner to communicate about the mundane stuff of life. If you haven't begun to or forgotten how to enjoy talking to your partner about your everyday activities or his or her everyday activities, it would be good to re-light that fire, to just be able to talk about work, problems, what you have been thinking about lately, what you saw that day, etc. Gottman writes that everyday you cherish this time and you act encouraging toward your partner at this time, it is like putting money in the emotional bank, which really helps when time gets tough.

The fourth principle is letting your partner influence you. Since a relationship is give-and-take, and since it would be a mathematical impossibility for you to be right all the time, be willing to let your partner's decision influence what you think or your actions or whatever. Allowing for this give-and-take and not being obstinate goes a long way.

The fifth principle is solving your solvable problems. Some of the problems, say maybe 30%, of the problems you have are solvable problems. This is because they are mainly situational problems. If you begin to make changes in your schedule with respect to each other, or in little ways of doing things, you will be able to deal with each other a lot more easily.

The sixth principle is "overcoming gridlock." Probably about 70% of the problems that a couple has together is a matter of deep fundamental differences you two have. It is okay to have differences. For example, perhaps you are someone who is always interested in saving money and your partner is someone who is always interested in having a good time (which occasionally means that spending money won't be an important issue for him or her). You won't be able to change each other about these deep fundamental issues, so it calls for a compromise; this is "overcoming gridlock." You can begin to make compromises regarding this, say, by making a budget together and then allowing each other to freely spend within that budget. (Perhaps this isn't the best example, but it's the best I could do for the moment.) The important thing is is that you work to compromise and get through these differences.

The seventh principle is creating "shared meaning." This might not seem very specific, but what Gottman means is that you create a culture in which the two of you live, and if you have children within the three, four, five, nth number of you live. You create rituals for yourself, you celebrate special holidays, you honor certain rites of passage, you create duties and obligations and practices for yourself within your family unit. This is the real, deep stuff that one might call spiritual.

Gottman provides a lot of activities and exercises throughout the way, little games that you can play with your partner or with other couples to improve and increase the strength of your relationship. This is a wonderful wonderful book. ...more

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Aug 20, 2012 Adam rated it really liked it · review of another edition

If you can get past Gottman's ego in the first few chapters, you'll find some very sensible and useful advice from his extensive study of couples. Some of it seems obvious, some not, but all the content worthwhile to review at some level, probably every 5 years or so. There are even questionnaire/exercises in each chapter.

Some key points (from memory)
Be friends; invest time daily in knowing what/who's bothering or exciting the other; don't necessarily try to "fix" unresolvable conflicts (you don ...more

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Jun 21, 2009 Mike rated it it was amazing · review of another edition

I wanted to dislike this book. The title looks like a bald-faced rip-off of Stephen Covey and the author seems to think he's the only person who has ever had a profound thought about marriage. Gottman proclaims that his ideas are different, but there are many similarities between his prescriptions and those of the therapists he disdains. Still, my full head of righteous indignation was wasted, because Gottman won me over by the end.

First, some background. Early in my own marriage I took a serie I wanted to dislike this book. The title looks like a bald-faced rip-off of Stephen Covey and the author seems to think he's the only person who has ever had a profound thought about marriage. Gottman proclaims that his ideas are different, but there are many similarities between his prescriptions and those of the therapists he disdains. Still, my full head of righteous indignation was wasted, because Gottman won me over by the end.

First, some background. Early in my own marriage I took a series of parenting classes taught by our community's own black-belt of child raising, Linda Jessup. While the focus was parenting, the skills and concepts are the same for marriage (actually they also work at the office, hiring contractors for your house, and many other situations). In these classes I learned many of the skills mentioned in the book, and I can honestly say much of the happiness in my life derives from those early classes.

Anyone who has talked to me about relationships has heard me talk about what I call the "OTMC" ("One True Method of Communication"). I learned it from Linda, but I found it to be one of the few consistent threads in all the self-help books I’ve read. The OTMC goes as follows: "When you do _____, I feel ____". It takes some practice, and can easily be misused (things like, "When you act like an idiot, I feel like strangling you" are not the OTMC!), but it really does work. While Gottman initially distances himself from the OTMC, he comes around eventually and I did learn a lot from his treatment ("re-learned" is more accurate). Gottman does a good job explaining that there is more to the OTMC than the sentence structure. These include avoiding what he calls the "harsh startup", and avoiding the words "always" and "never".

Linda used to say, "It's easier to build a relationship on respect than on love." Gottman expands on this, and I think he's spot on. He says he can tell the state of a couple's marriage in three minutes of observation. At first I thought that statement was arrogant and far-fetched, but as I read, and remembered Linda's saying, plus the observations I've made of couples I know, I now think it's probably true. Another area of agreement between Linda and Gottman is the concept of the "emotional bank account". I particularly like his concept of "letting your partner influence you". I also liked the idea of "love maps" and the exercises which probe how much you know of the inner thoughts and history of your partner.

I think Linda would approve of this book. What I'm not so sure about is whether you can learn these skills effectively from a book. Gottman gives many examples of untrained partners in his book, but that’s not a complete substitute for a trained instructor who can find examples in your own life. Also, the exercises you need to perform to become "trained" are likely to make you feel awkward and uncomfortable, so book readers may skip them. In a class, everybody is embarrassed, but you get through it. ...more

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Aug 02, 2020 Krishna Chaitanya rated it it was amazing

Shelves: favorites, timeless, 2020, marriage, unforgettable, psychology, nonfiction, relationships, self-help

Most of the material and practical advice provided in this book made me very uncomfortable to follow and put it into practice, I guess the old saying is correct indeed, you need to be uncomfortable at times to make your lives better.

This book offers seven principles to cope with your marriage and improve it for betterment. Each principle has a questionnaire to evaluate where your relationship stand in terms of a positive aspect which is essential for a good marital relationship and it also inclu ...more

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May 06, 2015 Jacob rated it did not like it · review of another edition

I'm confused by John Gottman. His work is mentioned respectfully by sociologists and other therapists: he went into his Love Lab and figured out what makes relationships fall apart, it's kind of revolutionary. And then the big insight is that if people get really worked up about mundane disagreements to the point that they're making shitty personal attacks on their partner or shutting down and not engaging in the discussion, the marriage is probably not going to work. It's less a primer on how t I'm confused by John Gottman. His work is mentioned respectfully by sociologists and other therapists: he went into his Love Lab and figured out what makes relationships fall apart, it's kind of revolutionary. And then the big insight is that if people get really worked up about mundane disagreements to the point that they're making shitty personal attacks on their partner or shutting down and not engaging in the discussion, the marriage is probably not going to work. It's less a primer on how to make marriage work and more on how to have conversations like an adult.

Which I mean fine, I'm sure there's a market for guides on interpersonal relations for the emotionally stunted. I just hope that the advice in here is tailored to be comprehensible to that audience and Gottman doesn't actually believe a lot of this stuff. Otherwise this is more interesting as a meta-psychology text on the dysfunctional relationship ideas a respected researcher actually holds. I dunno, maybe I'm the crazy one: he's the professor and I'm just some guy. But he's also from a different generation, and I feel like a lot of the practical advice comes off as circa 1950s datedness.

Emotional labor belongs to the aggrieved spouse. The way it's pitched in Seven Principles is that when your husband doesn't do the laundry for the nth goddamn time even though you told him to, it's your responsibility to broach the subject amicably so that the conversation doesn't get emotionally charged. Not that it's his responsibility to hear the criticism like the adult he ostensibly is and handle it in a mature way. You've gotta do the laundry because he didn't, and you also have to work to be okay with that. I hope that this is canted the way it is deliberately, like that the husband keeps shutting down in conversations, so your self-help book has to extend him an olive branch so that he can interact with it productively.

Women enjoy emotional labor because of hunter-gatherer societies. I don't know why this is even in here. It's not supported by any kind of experimental results from his research because it's evo-psych handwaviness, which is never supported by any kind of experimental results. I hazard the guess that it's an attempt to allow the reader to intellectualize the differences in communication style between themselves and their spouse? How about just "some people respond differently to conflict, and that's fine" with no need for the tooth fairy.

You should clean your house so that your wife will fuck you. Really? We're doing the quid pro quo thing now? The argument is not that you should do your share of housework because you care about your partner's comfort and value your shared living space--no, you should know that research shows greater sexual frequency in partnerships where the man does more cleaning. It's just so tactless and dated, a leering drunken uncle mumbling about your sex life. I'm forced to conclude that either this is deliberately pandering to the heteronormative ownership paradigm, like these are the terms he feels he has to use with his target audience, or that John Gottman himself is an emotionally retarded weirdo.

Overall I get the feeling that this is intended for the sort of people who get into screaming matches with their partners in Wal-Mart parking lots because they bought the wrong brand of bottled water, and you only did it because you don't care about me, you're just like your drunk of a father and you're going to die alone, I hate you etc. If you're already an adult in non-chronological ways there isn't much here. Gottman frequently refers to "Four Horseman," the major signs that a relationship is going to end; I can't remember them other than contempt, but my partner and I have adopted the term sarcastically, e.g. "honey why didn't you like my Facebook post; not liking my Facebook posts is one of the Four Horseman." I didn't take anything away other than that. ...more

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Mar 07, 2008 Dana rated it it was amazing · review of another edition

Shelves: good-reads

An excellent book that I think married and single people who would like to one day marry should read! John Gottman and Nan Silver studied marriages for over twenty years, following the same couples. They observed how the couples talked to each other...the every day chit chat, the serious conversations and even the fights. What they curiously observed is that fighting is not what breaks marriages up. In fact, fighting can be good for marriages in some ways.

What they did find is that in the couple ...more

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Jan 11, 2011 John Brown rated it it was amazing · review of another edition

Back in April of this year, Dr. Liz Hale, a licensed clinical psychologist, started her remarks to a local audience of more than 100 mental health professionals by saying, “Dear fellow colleagues, you are in danger of having an affair.”

Her point was that every marriage, even those of the marriage gurus, is vulnerable to infidelity–be it sexual or emotional. Individuals have to actively curb all the subtle and often innocent beginnings that lead to unfaithfulness.

“We make the mistake of thinking Back in April of this year, Dr. Liz Hale, a licensed clinical psychologist, started her remarks to a local audience of more than 100 mental health professionals by saying, “Dear fellow colleagues, you are in danger of having an affair.”

Her point was that every marriage, even those of the marriage gurus, is vulnerable to infidelity–be it sexual or emotional. Individuals have to actively curb all the subtle and often innocent beginnings that lead to unfaithfulness.

“We make the mistake of thinking (marital) vows will keep us safe; and they don’t,” she said. She went on to say that couples cannot depend on love or similarities to keep their marriage intact. It’s not enough.

Emotional or sexual infidelity isn’t as rare as we might think. But even if we don’t stray into some type of unfaithfulness, that doesn’t mean a marriage will stay together. Like anything worth having, a good relationship takes work.

But what kind of work? What are the key principles for making a marriage last?

For many years the prescriptions of marriage gurus were based on anecdotal evidence and rules of thumb—on opinion. Because the opinions weren’t tested, they led to all sorts of errors. For example, many yet believe that the road to marital bliss is through communication, specifically through successful conflict resolution. According to this idea, happy couples are those that have learned to resolve all their conflicts in a nice manner. The problem is that when conflict resolution was put to the test, the studies showed it didn’t work. Marriage therapies based on conflict resolution share a very low success rate—over the long haul they only work about 20% of the time.

So what does work?

John Gottman is a marriage counselor who took a different approach and started to collect rigorous scientific evidence on over 650 couples, tracking the fate of their marriages for up to fourteen years. The results of his work are startling.

He uncovered a number of relationship myths, including the one about communication. He found that happy marriages were never perfect unions. These satisfied couples often had differences in temperament, interests, and family values. They argued over money, kids, and housekeeping, just like unhappy couples did. They had problems and faced issues. However, all these satisfied couples also practiced seven principles, even if they didn’t know it, which helped them navigate their way through all the difficulties and keep their marriages happy and stable.

And it’s not just opinion. The success rate for the type of marital therapy based on his research is 80%. He knows what makes marriages work and has written it up in a fabulous book called The Seven Principles For Making A Marriage Work.

Every marriage is vulnerable to failure. It takes work to enjoy a satisfying relationship with a spouse. But it’s so much easier to improve and maintain a relationship when you’re working on the things that actually make a difference. If you want to improve your marriage, give Gottman’s book a read.

...more

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Mar 13, 2009 Edward rated it it was ok · review of another edition

Why is it considered normal to consult a manual and put work into maintaining a car, but not a relationship?

This book can be pretty cheesey a lot of the time, but it contains lots of exercises, is easy to read, and is based on principles and evidence that is highly regarded in the field (which surprised me).

From his experimental "love lab", Gottman observed tons of couples that worked and didn't. His findings inform the book. Some nuggets:
- most arguments cannot be resolved
- biggest predictors o ...more

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Jun 04, 2008 Jared rated it liked it · review of another edition

My favorite quote in the whole book: “Working briefly on your marriage every day will do more for your health and longevity than working out at a health club” (p. 261).

Overall, one of the better books I've seen on fostering a happy marriage. A very useful read for any couple seeking to improve their conflict resolution skills or just strengthen their relationship. Gottman's principles are supported by some of the best research anywhere on marital relations, although he's obviously very proud of ...more

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Mar 12, 2010 Rachelle rated it it was ok · review of another edition

I probably should rank this book higher. I think the principles are sound and obviously well researched. I imagine that everything he says in here is true. It's just not the kind of marriage book that inspires me. It is too much of "do this and don't do this" rather than providing inspiration and perspective on marriage. For example one chapter talks about chores that he does/she does and contains a list of chores that you can go through with your spouse to determine what is fair. Stuff like tha ...more

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Oct 28, 2011 Lacey Louwagie rated it really liked it · review of another edition

Shelves: self-help, non-fiction, wedding

Although part of me thinks I shouldn't read so many books about marriage before I'm married (it can be depressing to sift through all the potential problems that are being addressed in these self-help books), I'm also drawn to them because it's so hard for me to wrap my head around the reality of marriage, and I've always been someone for whom research has provided much reassurance and comfort. So, although I might be putting the cart before the horse, I really like to get things right!

As far as ...more

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Jan 15, 2019 Mehrsa rated it it was amazing · review of another edition

Hands down the best most practical marriage advice book I've ever read. I will be reading it again and giving it away. I've read Gottman's work before, but this book is essential to anyone whose marriage isn't perfect. ...more

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Aug 25, 2016 Frank Calberg rated it it was amazing · review of another edition

Takeaways from reading the book:

Principle # 1: Find out who your partner is. 6 questions to ask:
1. What is your favorite app? Why?
2. What stresses you the most at the moment? Why?
3. What is the best way for you to relax? Why?
4. How are your feelings about your job? Why?
5. What would the design of your perfect home be? Why?
6. Who are your partner's 2 best friends? Why?

Principle # 2: Express admiration for your partner.
- Page 74 and 283: Say thank you for all that your partner does.
- Page 82: Expr ...more

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Sep 16, 2008 Lena rated it really liked it · review of another edition

Shelves: non-fiction

Dr. John Gottman became famous for his work in Seattle's "Love Lab," a research apartment wired with cameras he used to observe how volunteer couples communicated with one another. Through his observations, Gottman discovered patterns of communication that correlate with lasting relationships.

Among Gottman’s observations was that the frequency of a couple’s fights had less to do with relationship success than other factors including whether or not they had compatible styles of dealing with conf ...more

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Jun 14, 2010 Lindsay rated it really liked it · review of another edition

Shelves: social-science

I first read about Gottman's marriage research in Maclom Gladwell's Blink. Since I am interested in all things social science, I picked up this book at the library. The content is interesting and applicable, even if some/much of it feels common sense. The biggest downfall of the book is Gottman's egoistic prose. (He has been at the forefront of research in his field - and I would have believed him the first time he mentioned it.) ...more

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Jan 03, 2011 Lars rated it it was amazing · review of another edition

I haven't read a lot of marital counselling books, yet I feel good about claiming that this one is the best one out there. This has been one of the most enlightening and thought-provoking books I've ever read. The best part is: It's simple and practical. He doesn't dwell on complext theories of romantic love and its components--he focuses on what's been shown to make marriages work. ...more

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Dec 13, 2016 Shady Elyaski rated it it was amazing · review of another edition

Please read that book if you are in a relationship! If you really think you are really good at it, you are not! Your relationship might die if you don't work on it. So please make yourself a favor and learn how you can get better. ...more

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Jun 20, 2018 Amy rated it it was amazing · review of another edition

Shelves: non-fiction, psychology

This is not just a book for professionals, its for anyone who wants to make their marriage stronger. Its easy to use, and easy to buy into. John and Julie Gottman have spent over 40 years researching, writing about, and working with couples, and they are the hallmark of what they do - creating marriages that last and sustain. I am teaching the Gottman Method tomorrow, and I enjoyed this read and learned a lot. But this is one of those books a person grows with, just because.

This is also my June ...more

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Mar 23, 2019 Sally Boyer rated it it was amazing · review of another edition

Try reading this book single, and then reading it again with your partner once you're coupled and you'll likely get good results.

The book is an even balance of theory and practice exercises. For this review, I'm going to focus on the theory as I haven't had the opportunity to try the exercises out with a partner.

Here are some of my takeaways:

1. Having a baby is hard on a relationship: "about 67% of couples experience a large drop in marital satisfaction in the three years after the birth of the ...more

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Jul 22, 2020 Erika rated it liked it · review of another edition

This book reads like intro to therapy concepts for (perhaps ideally boomer) heterosexual couples. The activities seem to be the best and most useful aspect, while I found many of the rationalizations for why (cisgender, heterosexual) men and women behave the way they do to be reductionist, regressive and old-school (for example, claiming the reason girls play family-centered games and have pretend weddings as kids is due to biology... really?). I enjoyed listening to add perspective to relations ...more

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Jan 10, 2013 Jenny Garone rated it did not like it · review of another edition

Shelves: mom-stuff

I started out loving this, despite the fact that Gottman's ego is ginormous. When he suggests couples bond by gossiping about other people, it goes downhill fast. I only got about half way through CD 3 before calling it quits. (on his book, not my marriage) ...more

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Jan 16, 2015 Kate rated it really liked it · review of another edition

Shelves: non-fiction, help-yourself, ebook, to-buy

The author thinks rather highly of himself and his research, but as annoying as his attitude is, he does make some excellent points. I've been married for almost eleven years, and while I consider my marriage to be quite healthy, I definitely found this book to be helpful and informative. ...more

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Dec 04, 2013 Miki rated it did not like it · review of another edition

Shelves: non-fiction

No the most positive outlook on marriage. Made it seem like men are lazy and women are shrews. Did not get much out of this one. It is hard to apply stereotypes to my relationship.

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Aug 24, 2016 Jessica Knutson rated it liked it · review of another edition

I think the takeaway is that Austin and I are incredibly compatible!

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Jan 29, 2012 PhilorChelsy rated it really liked it · review of another edition

Shelves: chelsys-readings

This review has been hidden because it contains spoilers. To view it, click here. Liked a lot. This was one that made me feel, 'ah, now I see why that marriage is working for so-and-so...' or 'of course! of course I'l always felt that bit of advice wasn't quite right, and he's helped explain why!'
It helped me see why some marriages that don't seem very functional, are, in their own way. And have positive attributes going for them. Maybe any two people who work at it, CAN in fact maintain a healthy marriage.

"One of the saddest reasons a marriage dies is that neither spouse rec ...more

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Feb 01, 2021 Alex Memus rated it really liked it · review of another edition

Shelves: non-fiction, psychology

Let’s contextualize this book a little bit. There are two opposite popular approaches to marriage:
* Esther Perel’s one. In her book Mating in Captivity she argues that “our cultural penchant for equality, togetherness, and absolute candor is antithetical to erotic desire for both men and women.”
* John Gottman’s one. He argues that the closer and more open you are with your partner, the better you attune to them, the better is you marriage and sex.

Today we’re going to talk about Gottman’s approac ...more

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May 03, 2020 Elena rated it it was amazing · review of another edition

My husband and I read this together, on weekend mornings. We found it very practical, with lots of useful exercises and practices. Sound concepts too and a no-nonsense approach, that we appreciated.

The chapters were a bit long, so we split some in manageable chunks. Some exercizes are long too, but he recommends doing them over time, and perhaps discuss them on dates - which is what we did.

This will now be the book I will ALWAYS recommend to married couples, that want to nurture their relation ...more

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Sep 07, 2013 Hana Bilqisthi rated it really liked it · review of another edition

Shelves: humor, marriage

Principle 1: Enhance Your Love Maps
Principle 2: Nurture Your Fondness and Admiration
Principle 3: Turn toward Each Other Instead of Away
Principle 4: Let Your Partner Influence You
Principle 5: Solve Your Solvable Problems
Principle 6: Overcome Gridlock .
Principle 7: Create Shared Meaning

"When choosing a long-term partner…you will
inevitably be choosing a particular set of unsolvable problems that
you'll be grappling with for the next ten, twenty or fifty years."

Just because a problem is solvable ...more

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Mar 04, 2012 Hawley rated it it was amazing · review of another edition

Matt's reading this for class, and though it's a secular book, he says it's really pretty fantastic. He was right. It's based on years of in-depth scientific research and doesn't just theorize potential trendy ways to re-phrase things and thereby "improve communication" in a marriage. It's not gimmicky, but it does have different exercises you can do with your spouse to help you to figure out some of the roots of things... I mostly skipped those, but found the book affirming of my marriage (whic ...more

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Oct 25, 2009 Karen rated it it was amazing · review of another edition

This book is immensely practical as a guide to what matters about how couples treat each other, and why these things matter so much.

For me, it illuminated a repeated conflict in my marriage so that I finally understood what was wrong with what I'd been doing.

Also, we both loved the phrase, "thoughts of righteous indignation or innocent victimhood" (they're a no-no, btw) and now whenever one of us seems to be sulking or nursing a grudge, the other one will ask, "Are you having thoughts of.....?" ...more

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About John M. Gottman

John M. Gottman

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John Mordecai Gottman is an American psychological researcher and clinician who did extensive work over four decades on divorce prediction and marital stability. He is also an award-winning speaker, author, and a professor emeritus in psychology.

Books by John M. Gottman

Raising An Emotionally Intelligent Child

The Relationship Cure: A 5 Step Guide to Strengthening Your Marriage, Family, and Friendships

Eight Dates: Essential Conversations for a Lifetime of Love

Why Marriages Succeed or Fail: And How You Can Make Yours Last

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Adam Grant Wants You to Rethink What (You Think) You Know

Speaking with Adam Grant feels like having your brain sandblasted, in a pleasant sort of way. As an author, professor, and psychologist,...

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“Friendship fuels the flames of romance because it offers the best protection against feeling adversarial toward your spouse.” — 15 likes

“Once you understand this, you will be ready to accept one of the most surprising truths about marriage: Most marital arguments cannot be resolved. Couples spend year after year trying to change each other’s mind—but it can’t be done. This is because most of their disagreements are rooted in fundamental differences of lifestyle, personality, or values. By fighting over these differences, all they succeed in doing is wasting their time and harming their marriage.” — 15 likes

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The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work: A Practical Guide from the Country's Foremost Relationship Expert

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See a Problem?

Preview — The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work by John M. Gottman

The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work: A Practical Guide from the Country's Foremost Relationship Expert

Get A Copy

Friend Reviews

Reader Q&A

Lists with This Book

Community Reviews

new topicDiscuss This Book

Readers also enjoyed

Genres

About John M. Gottman

Books by John M. Gottman

Related Articles

Trivia About The Seven Princip...

Quotes from المبادئ السبعة ال...

new topic
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