Yanked

“I just didn’t see the point in telling you something that would cause you anguish. Something that you couldn’t do anything about.”
“So you’d have let her stay here even if I’d said I wasn’t comfortable with it?” I challenged.
“It is my apartment.” A note of defensiveness edged his words. A slight emphasis on my.
“She’s my friend. I didn’t think we had rules for each other that way, Mia. Rules about friends, I mean.”

“Look, she’s not a threat to you. And I’ve never believed that a couple needs to tell each other everything. Total transparency is not healthy in a relationship.”

“Say you forgive me.” His mischievous expression was gone, replaced by a genuine look of longing in his eyes, maybe even a little fear.
“Say it, Mia.” He lowered me all the way down, and I gasped at the sudden fullness, the shock of pleasure deep inside me.
“I can’t lose you. Say you still love me.”

“I’m saying what you said yesterday. I want more. I love you and I miss you every day. I lied when I said I was happy with the way things are—I’m not. I want more; I’m just scared.”

“I wouldn’t submit so easily to him tonight— I wanted him, but I wanted a fight too. I wanted it rough and angry, because that’s the way I felt. I wanted him to work for it. I wanted to hurt him in some way, retaliate for the pain he’d caused me.”

“There’s no perfect life without you. In fact, I no longer dream about a “perfect” life. I only dream about a life with you.”

"I think that's what makes taking the next step so hard for me - it's not that I don't love you enough to make a bigger commitment. It's that I'm afraid I won't measure up, you'll find someone who does, and I'll never find anyone as amazing as you."

"No, you're not what I had in mind. You're so much better. There's no perfect life without you. In fact, I no longer dream about a 'perfect' life. I only dream about a life with you."

"You made me like surprises."

"You made me like forever."

"You're not scared of it anymore?"

He shook his head. "You know what?
Lately I've been thinking that the only
scary thing about forever is
imagining one without you in it."

Breathless, I sat back on my heels again and took his hands. “You said you’re scared. What are you scared of?”

“Lots of things. For one, I’m scared of marriage. You know that. I saw what it did to my dad when my mom left. And words like forever, eternity, till death do us part…” He shook his head. “Are they realistic? I mean, maybe they are, I don’t know. Right now it feels like we’ll be in love forever, and I hope we are, but marriage scares the shit out of me. I’ve seen it ruin solid relationships. That’s why I’ve always been up front about my position. You say you’re OK with it, but what if you change your mind and leave me for someone who wants that piece of paper?”

I dropped his hands. “Don’t compare me to Jessica.”

“I’m not, Mia—I swear, I’m not.” He picked them up again, stroking my wrists with his thumbs. “Listen. You’re so different. You scare me way more than she ever did. When she left, I felt bad, but never once did I think I wouldn’t meet someone else, someone I’d love more. Someone who gets me the way you do, who loves me like you do. Someone who lets me love her the way I want to—all the ways I want to.”

“I think that’s what makes taking the next step so hard for me—it’s not that I don’t love you enough to make a bigger commitment. It’s that I’m afraid I won’t measure up, you’ll find someone who does, and I’ll never find anyone as amazing as you.”

“You’ve had this idea in your head of the perfect man for so long. I bet he didn’t look like me, sound like me, or act like me. I’ve been putting off admitting—even to myself—that I want to live together because I’m hiding this fear that once you’re with me all the time, you’ll realize that I’m not what you want. I guess, in the back of my mind, I felt like it was safer to keep you at a distance. But now I’m all messed up, because I love you too much to keep you at a distance any longer.” He exhaled, leaning back against the headboard. “Fuck, it feels good to say this stuff out loud.”

I scooted closer to him. “Lucas, I’m scared too. My life has taken this crazy turn in the last year and nothing looks like I thought it would. I’m not where I thought I’d be. And no, you are not who I pictured when I fantasized about my perfect husband. Or the perfect wedding, the perfect home, the perfect family.”

He blinked. “Is this supposed to make me feel better?”

“Yes. Let me finish.” I pulled back the sheet—holy crap, I’d almost forgotten we were naked—and straddled his hips. “What I’m trying to say is, there’s no perfect life without you. In fact, I no longer dream about a “perfect” life. I only dream about a life with you.”