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Parenting Teenagers: Systematic Training for Effective Parenting of Teens
Parents know the challenges of raising teenagers. This popular STEP (Systematic Training for Effective Parenting) guide is filled with easy-to-understand-and-apply skills that helps parents connect with teens and deal with their "issues." From the STEP/teen program, with practical guidance on social pressure, dating, grades, career plans, and alcohol, tobacco, and drug abuse prevention. This handbook is an excellent choice for parents who want to improve their relationship with teens.
The authors believe that the rewards of parenting teenagers can far outweigh the challenges. With skills and understanding, you can guide your teen to be responsible, cooperative and independent. In doing this, you build a strong, positive relationship with your teenager. Even parents facing serious problems with teens can find more effective ways to get along with and help their teenager.
In this handbook, you will learn how
Even though many parents believe that because teens are practically adults, parents cannot influence them or improve family relationships. Taking the reasonable steps presented in Parenting Teenagers is the beginning of building a positive relationship with your teen.
The authors believe that the rewards of parenting teenagers can far outweigh the challenges. With skills and understanding, you can guide your teen to be responsible, cooperative and independent. In doing this, you build a strong, positive relationship with your teenager. Even parents facing serious problems with teens can find more effective ways to get along with and help their teenager.
In this handbook, you will learn how
Even though many parents believe that because teens are practically adults, parents cannot influence them or improve family relationships. Taking the reasonable steps presented in Parenting Teenagers is the beginning of building a positive relationship with your teen.
- GenresNonfictionParenting
154 pages, Paperback
First published July 12, 1984
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Displaying 1 - 2 of 2 reviews
November 29, 2025
Book Review: Parenting Teenagers by Don Dinkmeyer
I recently picked up Don Dinkmeyer’s Parenting Teenagers for a reread as I navigate the choppy waters of raising my second daughter, and its enduring value is more apparent than ever. This is not just theoretical psychology; it’s a refreshingly insightful and practical guide offering clear, actionable strategies to transform the parent-teen relationship from one of constant friction to one of mutual respect and understanding.
🎯 Clarity on Problem Ownership
One of the single most valuable frameworks offered is the concept of Problem Ownership. This boundary setting is crucial for supporting a teen's growing independence while still providing necessary guidance. It encourages parents to step back and allow their teens to take responsibility, intervening only when truly necessary.
Dinkmeyer provides a concise set of questions to immediately determine who "owns" the problem:
Are my rights being disrespected?
Could anyone get hurt?
Is someone's property threatened?
Is my teen unable to take this responsibility?
A "yes" to any of these questions clarifies that the parent owns the problem, providing much-needed clarity in moments of uncertainty and removing significant friction from daily interactions.
💡 Decoding Teen Motivation: The Four Goals of Misbehavior
Dinkmeyer offers a powerful lens through which to view teen behavior: the central motivation is the deep, fundamental desire to belong. This understanding immediately shifts the parenting perspective from managing conflict to fostering connection.
Building on this, the author articulates the Four Goals of Misbehavior, providing a clear roadmap for decoding challenging actions. For each goal, the book identifies the core need driving the behavior and offers a corresponding redirection strategy:
Attention: The teen's core need is Recognition. The redirection strategy is to Shift to Involvement.
Power: The teen seeks Control. The strategy is to Shift to Independence.
Revenge: The teen is driven by the feeling of being Hurt. The strategy is to Shift to Fairness/Forgiveness.
Displaying Inadequacy: The underlying motivation is the Fear of Failure. The solution is to Shift to Being Competent.
🗣️ Mastering Communication: The "I-Message"
A key takeaway that I have successfully utilized in communicating with both my daughters is the effective use of I-Messages. This technique provides a structured, non-confrontational way for parents to express their feelings and needs without triggering defensiveness.
The three essential parts of an I-Message are:
Tell what’s happening: (A neutral description of the behavior).
State how you feel: (Expressing your emotion).
Explain why you feel that way: (The specific impact on you).
🌟 The Power of Encouragement (vs. Praise)
The book makes a critical distinction between praise and encouragement that fundamentally changed my perspective:
Praise is a reward: Teens earn it based on performance.
Encouragement is a gift: It is unconditional support and belief in our teens, which is far more impactful than conditional approval.
Final Verdict
While I found the consistent practice of the author’s recommended Family Meetings challenging, the core philosophy is what truly matters: to build a lasting, fun, supportive, and encouraging relationship with your children.
Parenting Teenagers is an essential, highly recommended resource that equips parents with the tools to deeply understand their teens’ motivations, communicate effectively, and foster true independence. It’s a must-read for any parent preparing for, or currently in the midst of, the challenging and immensely rewarding teenage years.
I recently picked up Don Dinkmeyer’s Parenting Teenagers for a reread as I navigate the choppy waters of raising my second daughter, and its enduring value is more apparent than ever. This is not just theoretical psychology; it’s a refreshingly insightful and practical guide offering clear, actionable strategies to transform the parent-teen relationship from one of constant friction to one of mutual respect and understanding.
🎯 Clarity on Problem Ownership
One of the single most valuable frameworks offered is the concept of Problem Ownership. This boundary setting is crucial for supporting a teen's growing independence while still providing necessary guidance. It encourages parents to step back and allow their teens to take responsibility, intervening only when truly necessary.
Dinkmeyer provides a concise set of questions to immediately determine who "owns" the problem:
Are my rights being disrespected?
Could anyone get hurt?
Is someone's property threatened?
Is my teen unable to take this responsibility?
A "yes" to any of these questions clarifies that the parent owns the problem, providing much-needed clarity in moments of uncertainty and removing significant friction from daily interactions.
💡 Decoding Teen Motivation: The Four Goals of Misbehavior
Dinkmeyer offers a powerful lens through which to view teen behavior: the central motivation is the deep, fundamental desire to belong. This understanding immediately shifts the parenting perspective from managing conflict to fostering connection.
Building on this, the author articulates the Four Goals of Misbehavior, providing a clear roadmap for decoding challenging actions. For each goal, the book identifies the core need driving the behavior and offers a corresponding redirection strategy:
Attention: The teen's core need is Recognition. The redirection strategy is to Shift to Involvement.
Power: The teen seeks Control. The strategy is to Shift to Independence.
Revenge: The teen is driven by the feeling of being Hurt. The strategy is to Shift to Fairness/Forgiveness.
Displaying Inadequacy: The underlying motivation is the Fear of Failure. The solution is to Shift to Being Competent.
🗣️ Mastering Communication: The "I-Message"
A key takeaway that I have successfully utilized in communicating with both my daughters is the effective use of I-Messages. This technique provides a structured, non-confrontational way for parents to express their feelings and needs without triggering defensiveness.
The three essential parts of an I-Message are:
Tell what’s happening: (A neutral description of the behavior).
State how you feel: (Expressing your emotion).
Explain why you feel that way: (The specific impact on you).
🌟 The Power of Encouragement (vs. Praise)
The book makes a critical distinction between praise and encouragement that fundamentally changed my perspective:
Praise is a reward: Teens earn it based on performance.
Encouragement is a gift: It is unconditional support and belief in our teens, which is far more impactful than conditional approval.
Final Verdict
While I found the consistent practice of the author’s recommended Family Meetings challenging, the core philosophy is what truly matters: to build a lasting, fun, supportive, and encouraging relationship with your children.
Parenting Teenagers is an essential, highly recommended resource that equips parents with the tools to deeply understand their teens’ motivations, communicate effectively, and foster true independence. It’s a must-read for any parent preparing for, or currently in the midst of, the challenging and immensely rewarding teenage years.
November 4, 2015
I had to read this for grad school. It has not been updated since the mid 90's and is quite outdated with examples. It is also very basic, in terms of content. This is useful if you are wanting something like parenting for dummies. But if you know what it means to use "I" statements I would look for something else.
Displaying 1 - 2 of 2 reviews