Should I Stay Or Go? : How Controlled Separation (CS) Can Save Your Marriage

by Lee Raffel

Until now, couples facing the dilemma of deciding whether or not to stay in an unhappy marriage had three individual or couples therapy, separation, or divorce. Should I Stay or Go? provides these couples with a fourth option--the Controlled Separation (CS). Should I Stay or Go? explains CS and shows how it can be used as a tool to help couples make the best decision for both partners.

Genres: Relationships, Psychology, Self Help

304 pages, Paperback

First published September 1, 1999

Reviews

[Malbadeen]

Here's the short answer: You should go and your probably going to end up divorced in the long run.

[Joanne]

An entirely different take on what a separation is usually thought of, this book presents an option that most of us would never even consider: a controlled separation. In this case, what that means is being separated during a marriage but doing so in a way that forces both parties involved to really consider what they are doing and what they want in a way that few couples on the brink of dissolution rarely do. The end result differs for each couple of course, but my experience with it is that it's allowed us to remain amicable and relieved a lot of the animosity that usually goes hand in hand with the chaos of separation.
It's a bit tedious with the different cases but I suspect a lot of people benefit from finding a couple that seem to share their particular crisis. (Perhaps I found that tedious as none of the couples seemed to have anything in common with what I myself was experiencing and felt impatient reading about all of them.)
I would recommend it to any couple with marital difficulties that seem to have run aground in communication and/or have reached a point of stagnation and unhealthy patterns. Even if you don't plan to separate in actuality it may just shake some ideas loose that you may not have considered. And if you're planning to separate without hope of reuniting, the same ideas can show a way to do so smoothly and with far greater ease than most ever experience.

[Rachel]

My review from 2001 is below. I tried this with my ex. It was an interesting exercise, but I don't think it helped or hindered us with our eventual divorce.

The author developed her Controlled Separation as a structured method for people to gain perspective on their troubled marriages. It includes a written agreement that covers 12 guidelines, including time frame, finances, and whether/when to see each other during the separation. The book is easy reading, well-written with quite a few stories of couples she worked with. I was a bit scared seeing how many of her examples ended in divorce, but it is realistic, and apparently the CS guidelines helped these couples to go through that process better. And, she does give some marriage success stories. Her CS method appears to be very sensible, and I would think that it would be useful to any couple undergoing a separation.

[Melinda Abney Kaiser]

currently reading

[Kelly]

Many detailed and varied stories of relationships and how uniquely they saved their relationships. A new way of thinking for many but it's based on old and study principles.

[Durwin]

Provides an interesting option for couples who are struggling.