Heralded by the New York Times and Time as the couples therapy with the highest rate of success, Emotionally Focused Therapy works because it views the love relationship as an attachment bond.
This idea, once controversial, is now supported by science, and has become widely popular among therapists around the world. In Hold Me Tight, Dr. Sue Johnson presents Emotionally Focused Therapy to the general public for the first time. Johnson teaches that the way to save and enrich a relationship is to reestablish safe emotional connection and preserve the attachment bond. With this in mind, she focuses on key moments in a relationship-from "Recognizing the Demon Dialogue" to "Revisiting a Rocky Moment" -- and uses them as touch points for seven healing conversations.
Through case studies from her practice, illuminating advice, and practical exercises, couples will learn how to nurture their relationships and ensure a lifetime of love.
Dr. Sue Johnson is a leading innovator in the fields of couple therapy and adult attachment; she is the primary developer of Emotionally Focused Couple and Family Therapy (EFT). Sue’s received numerous awards acknowledging her development of EFT, including the American Psychological Association’s “Family Psychologist of the Year'' and the Order of Canada, both in 2016.
Her best-selling book Hold Me Tight (2008) - with 1 million copies sold as of 2021 - has taught countless couples how to enhance and repair their relationships and has since been developed into a relationship enhancement program called Hold Me Tight Online.
As the founding director of the International Centre for Excellence in Emotionally Focused Therapy (ICEEFT), Sue trains counselors in EFT worldwide and provides guidance to 80 affiliated centers. You can find out more about Sue and her work at drsuejohnson.com.
I am going to start this review with two contradictory statements: this is an amazing book for laypeople and therapists alike, a total revolution in how we look at romantic partnerships, and very engaging and readable. And I did not finish it.
When I added this book to my "to read" shelf, it was primarily with the hope of being able to help counseling clients to understand their romantic attachments, but when I finally picked it up to read, it was in the hopes of improving my own rocky relationship. My partner was feeling smothered and unappreciated, and I was feeling abandoned and insecure.
As I read, I came to understand that adult human beings are interdependent and have the same attachment needs we did when we were children. But rather than seeking that primary attachment from our parents, we seek it from our romantic partners. This flies in the face of the common idea that as we become adults, we should grow to not need others, and to be able to attend to our emotions without the help of others. As Fanny Brice says in Funny Girl, "people who need people are the luckiest people in the world." And if we let ourselves admit it, aren't we all just people who need people?
She then goes on to talk about the types of "demon dialogues" people get stuck in, and how to put an end to them, as well as how to build intimacy (emotional as well as sexual) once the fighting is over. The process is accessible, and the book is intended for people to use in their own relationships, so it's an easy read.
So why didn't I finish it, you ask? Well I got about 4/5 of the way through, and my partner and I decided our life goals are quite different, and that after 8 years, we would be better off as friends. I tried to keep reading, because I actually found the content of the book to be as useful for my clients as for myself... But given the task of grieving a relationship, I just couldn't do it.
But it's good to know that at a less transitional point in time, this amazing book will be there to come back to, rife with wisdom and relatable information.
Dr. Johnson's book easily wins the "World's Worst Title Ever" award. "Hold Me Tight" qua self-help book title evokes, in this reader, all the wrong associations. Much as does the scent of patchouli oil and as does the sound of gauzy-eyed adults whispering for their inner child to come on out for a good old back rub, "Hold Me Tight" evokes (again, for this reader) scary New Agey associations. For example, "Hold Me Tight" made me recall against my will that Kenny Loggins dumped his first wife in order to marry his colonic therapist. In a nude wedding ceremony. Nude, as in, everybody in attendance, guests and minister (excepting, hopefully, his clerical collar) included, sans sartorial stitch one. Nothing wrong with the concept, I guess, but who wants to see Mr. Danger Zone, singing, nakedly, to his new wife "Cut foot-loo-zah! Cut foot-loo-zah!"
Nothing against the New Age, per se, but everything against Kenny Loggins. That man's music has done way too much harm for him to ever have hope of redemption.
The foregoing may indeed be a strange preamble for the review of a book I thoroughly enjoyed, but I kind of feel like I needed to say what I felt about the title. Because many people who feel like I do about touchy-feely New Age hand-holding might otherwise bypass a truly remarkable and helpful book.
"Hold Me Tight," contrary to whatever negative images or atavistic longings its title triggers, is a phenomenal book. Dr. Johnson is part of the EFT (Emotionally Focused Therapy; again, sorry for whatever horrible associations this phrase conjures) movement. EFT espouses spousal connection and intimacy over technical communication proscriptions and mars-venus feelings flowcharts. Unlike most traditional "get along with your spouse" theories, EFT actually works real wonders.
I could go on, but I won't. If you seek to communicate more meaningfully with your spouse, fight your feelings and look past the bad title and read "Hold Me Tight."
amazingly barfy language used to convey truly fascinating and revelatory concepts regarding interpersonal relationships and the dynamics you find within them. i was able to get past the awful self-help style and diction and get to the heart of what she's saying--basically applying bowles' attachment theory to adult partnerships, and putting forth the idea that it is not only normal to need other people (esp your partner), but it is actually healthy. the book actually helped me understand every relationship i've ever had. i'll read the last half of it if/when i find myself in another relationship.
the only thing it's missing, because of its intended audience i'm guessing, is how to figure out whether a relationship is worth saving. this book will help couples to communicate better, understand their and their partner's motivations and actions much better, but what if that only prolongs the inevitable? i suppose the honesty it would hopefully engender would preclude that, but i did find myself wondering.
in any case, very helpful. i wish i could take a crack at editing it, though. be prepared for terms such as "the protest polka" and the like to come atcha. *shudder.* such a shame, considering the worthiness of the ideas inside.
If I had to summarize the lessons I’ve learned from all these couples, they would look like this: • Our need for others to come close when we call — to offer us safe haven — is absolute. • Emotional starvation is a reality. Feeling emotionally deserted, rejected, or abandoned sparks physical and emotional pain and panic. • There are very few ways to cope with our pain when our primary needs for connection are not met. • Emotional balance, calm, and vibrant joy are the rewards of love. Sentimental infatuation is the booby prize. • There is no perfect performance in love or sex. Obsession with performance is a dead end. It is emotional presence that matters. • In relationships there is no simple cause and effect, no straight lines, only circles that partners create together. We pull each other into loops and spirals of connection and disconnection. • Emotion tells us exactly what we need, if we can listen to it and use it as a guide. • We all hit the panic button at times. We lose our balance and slip into anxious controlling or numbing and avoiding modes. The secret is to not stay in these positions. It’s too hard for your lover to meet you there. • Key moments of bonding, when one person reaches for another and the other responds, take courage but they are magical and transforming. • Forgiving injuries is essential and only happens when partners can make sense of their own hurt and know that their lover connects and feels that hurt with them. • Lasting passion is entirely possible in love. The erratic heat of infatuation is just the prelude; an attuned loving bond is the symphony. • Neglect will kill love. Love needs attention. Knowing your attachment needs and responding to those of your lover can make a bond last until “death us do part.”
• All the clichés about love — when people feel loved they are freer, more alive, and more powerful — are truer than we ever imagined. Knowing all this, I still have to relearn these lessons every time I lose connection with a loved one. I still have to face that nanosecond of choice: to blame, to try and grab control, to dismiss, to get revenge, to shut down and shut out, or to breathe deep and tune in to my own and my loved one’s emotions, to risk, to reach, to confide, to hold.
این کتاب برای افراد مجرد، متأهل، کسانی که رابطهشون خوب نیست، رابطهشون خوبه ولی تصمیم دارن بهترش کنن، میخوان آگاهیشونرو بالا ببرن ولی مجرد هستن به درد میخوره. علاوه بر این درمانگران میتونن از این کتاب بسیار استفاده کنن، به خصوص افرادی که علاقه به مبحث دلبستگی و یا رویکرد درمانی EFT دارن، خوندنش به همه پیشنهاد میشه، من لذت بردم از روان بودن و کاربردی بودن این کتاب.
My husband and I have a tradition in which we buy a book on relationships/marriage, read it together, and discuss the concepts. We don't necessarily agree with the approach in the book, but it's a good way to re-assess how things are going, and perhaps we'll gain something useful from the book.
This book was mainly a great eye-opener in how poorly some people apparently communicate, and that it can lead to really insidious relationship issues. We already prefer to sit down and talk when we feel a 'disconnect', rather than pull away and bury our feelings for years. But this book shows a lot of ways how you can talk with your partner on that level if you generally only talk about things no more complex than the weather and the plans for tomorrow.
For us, the main takeaway was an interesting perspective on how to see relationships from an attachment perspective - it goes a bit deeper than most books on relationships. Rather than sticking with communication tips, you are challenged to think about why - why do some things seem to 'hurt' more than others, why are some topics seemingly off-limits, why does your partner sometimes seem 'irrational'. It is interesting to reframe and just look at things from another angle. The conversation starters were interesting, but we really had to dig for 'raw spots' and 'demon dialogues', so in the end the conversations were revolving around the same (long solved) issues, so I guess this book doesn't work very well when things are going well :). (We were actually happy when we were in a hangry mood and a bit snappish xD).
The reason this book is getting only 3 stars is due to the huge amount of neuroscience bullshit in there. A feeling or a reaction is not more valid because 'oxytocin is released' (go read Alva Noe's work if this is new for you :)). Additionally, it is not very inclusive. A huge part of the book consists of conversations between couples and subsequent analysis. There are only a few descriptions of same sex couples and other LGTBQIA+ issues are not addressed at all (they did do a good job at not being too stereotypical, though of course the Asian person is always the more subdued person, but they tried to not make the men the only ones with high libido etc). Especially the lack of inclusive pronouns and lack of acknowledgement of asexual orientations were quite jarring.
Hands down the best relationship book I have ever read. A paradigm changer--it felt intuitively right from the first chapter, yet I also see the world in a different way. It took the core values I held about life, and showed me how to really live them better. Of course, starting with the relationships closest to me.
There are no complicated rules here, what you need to do doesn't feel like an overwhelming amount of work, and what Johnson says makes so much sense it's not hard to remember. By chapter four you'll have a good idea of some things you can do and STOP doing, without even having started the "seven conversations."
Johnson's methods are based on 25 years of clinical research, and have a 75% success rate. So at least ask yourself this: What have you got to lose? It's not a long book, the science is super interesting, and many of the stories are touching.
And don't be fooled by the frouffy title, it's not a frouffy book. ;-) Johnson's a scientist, not a writer, so the writing might veer into the self-helpy; or her retelling of the couple's conversations sound fake at times (people always "giggle" when I'm sure in real life they just laughed). But the science she talks about is serious stuff, and the ideas are deep, so I never felt I was being frouffed-over.
دلبستگی توی روابط زوجین، یه بخش اساسی و زیربناییه. توی این کتاب، سو جانسن با مبنا قرار دادن این مفهوم، به مهارتآموزی توی روابط زوجین میپردازه. به نظرم این کتاب میتونه برای زوجین مفید باشه و بهشون کمک کنه ارتباط عمیقتر و عاشقانهتری داشته باشن. نکات علمی رو به زبان ساده توضیح داده و مثالهای بهجا و خوبی داره. تنها نکته منفی کتاب برای من این بود که نظم و انسجامش جا داشت بهتر بشه تا مطالب حالت پراکنده پیدا نکنن. ------------------- یادگاری از کتاب: کاری به سادگی ِ گرفتن دست شریک زندگیمان میتواند به شدت روی ما تأثیر بگذارد و عملا نورونهای عصبی را در مغزمان آرام کند. ... بیشتر زوجها وقتی با هم دعوا میکنند، در واقع دارند با زبانی دیگر از یکدیگر میپرسند: آیا میتوانم به تو اعتماد کنم؟ آیا میتوانم به تو دل ببندم؟ آیا به من اهمیت میدهی؟ ... کسی که او را دوست داریم، در زندگی پناهگاه ماست. وقتی آن شخص از نظر عاطفی در کنار ما نباشد، حس میکنیم در این جهان بیدفاع و تنها رها شدهایم. ... سبک بیان نادرست یا مخرب سه نوع دارد: اینکه دنبال مقصر بگردیم، اینکه بدون توجه به مشکلات خودمان به طرف مقابل اعتراض کنیم، و اینکه به حرف یکدیگر گوش ندهیم و از موقعیت فرار کنیم. ... زوال ارتباط زناشویی زمانیست که پاسخهای صمیمی و محبتآمیز بین زن و شوهرها قطع میشود، نه وقتی که با هم دعوا میکنند. ... پاسخگویی عاطفی خود سه عنصر مهم دارد: ۱. در دسترس بودن: هر وقت نیاز داشته باشم میتوانم تو را پیدا کنم؟ ۲. پاسخگویی: میتوانم مطمئن باشم به احساسات من پاسخ میدهی؟ ۳. تعهد: مطمئن باشم که برای من ارزش قائلی و در کنار من میمانی؟ ... میل به برنده شدن و جنگیدن و ثابت کردن اینکه طرف مقابل آدم بده ست، خیلی جذابه. اما در واقع، تو این یکی هیچکی نمیبره. هر دو میبازن. ... ما به طور طبیعی به مواجه شدن با آسیبپذیریهایمان تمایلی نداریم. در جامعهای زندگی میکنیم که میگوید موظفیم قوی باشیم، موظفیم آسیبناپذیر باشیم. ما به نادیده گرفتن یا انکار کردن ضعف و شکنندگیمان گرایش داریم. ... آنچه اهمیت دارد، درست کردن اشتباهات است، حتی اگر فقط در حد تمایل به تلاش دوباره باشد. دبورا بلوم ... وقتی کسی شما را دوست دارد، اسمتان را به شکل متفاوتی صدا میزند؛ طوری که میدانید جای اسمتان در دهان او امن است. ... نورونهای آینهای به ما اجازه میدهند احساس ابراز شده توسط دیگری را دیده و آن را در بدنمان حس کنیم. این تأیید علمی مفهوم دلبستگی ست که میگوید رابطهی حقیقی دربارهی «حس کردن آنچه دیده میشود» است. ... «اگر نتوانی آسیبی را که به من زدی ببینی، پس چطور انتظار داری با تو احساس امنیت کنم؟» ... ما به جای ایجاد عشقی کامل، وقت خود را با جستوجوی معشوقی کامل، هدر میدهیم. تام رابینز ... باری و امیلی مک کارتی ، اساتید رابطه جنسی از دانشگاه آمریکا در ایالت واشنگتن، در این زمینه تحقیقاتی انجام دادهاند. آنها به این نتیجه رسیدهاند که زوجهای شاد فقط ۱۵ تا ۲۰ درصد از خوشحالی خود را به رابطه جنسی نسبت میدهند اما زوجهای ناراضی، علت ۵۰ تا ۷۰ درصد از استرس خود را مشکلات جنسی میدانند. ... جاناتان شی - روانکاو - در کتابش به اسم "ادیسه در آمریکا" که در مورد شوک ناشی از جنگ نوشته شده، به ما یادآوری میکند که «تنها دو امر مهم انسانی وجود دارد: این که همه ما درمانده و وابسته زاده میشویم، و این که همه فانی هستیم.» ... روشهای بروز احساسات، نه تنها به درمان یک رابطه کمک میکند، بلکه روابطی را ایجاد میکند که باعث سلام روان میشود.
بعد از مدت ها یه کتاب خوب در مورد روابط بین آدم ها به خصوص برای زوج ها. این کتاب با عمیق شدن در رفتار آدم ها ریشه ی ترس اون ها رو نشون میده و خیلی به من کمک کرد درک بهتری از آدم ها پیدا کنم. چیزی که شاید قبلا جوابش خشم یا کنار گذاشتن یه نفر بود الان تبدیل شده به فهم و درک احساسات اون آدم. توصیه میکنم حتما این کتاب رو بخونید.
Best book about human relationships EVER. In a relationship? Read it. Not in a relationship? Read it. It's written for everyone. And you don't need to be a psychology student to "get it." Dr. Sue Johnson will go down in history alongside Freud and Jung as a pioneer. Her approach, Emotionally Focused Therapy, has been proven to help 86 percent of couples become happier in their relationships. This is compared to most other forms of couple therapy that achieve a 35 percent success rate. Endorsed by the American Psychological Association with empirical proof. Read it.
I love EFT. But Johnson's over use of alliteration (e.g. Daemon Dialog, Solis Sex, Sealed Off Sex, Synchronized Sex and much more) nearly killed me! Im no literary critic. But geez! Enough already! I know it sounds like a petty gripe, or trivial thing to focus on given the uplifting nature of the subject matter, and perhaps it is. But like I said, this book is loaded with corn dork phrases and it really disrupted my engagement with this book.
There is literally 0% chance I would ever use that type of alliterative language in session with a client, in a classroom with my students, or in private with my wife. The EFT constructs represented by the alliterations are sound (nay spectacular) and I will definitely integrate them into my practice, in my work as an educator, and in my personal life. But I will definitely re-language (thank you Oprah, for popularizing that useful neologism) all of it, in order to be able to communicate it with a straight face.
I understand that these types of mnemonic devices are important, in fact I'm a big fan of them. For instance, Daniel Siegel's work is lousy with them, he loves anagrams (e.g. SNAG = stimulate neuronal activation and growth). Perhaps it's just a matter of taste, but when he does it it works for me (except his song in Mindsight about mirror neurons, sung to the tune of Goin To Carolina In My Mind, that shit was cringe eliciting corn).
I'm a huge fan of acceptance commitment therapy, and employ ACT metaphors and analogies. If you go with George Lakoff and Mark Johnson's work, (see Metaphors We Live By,1980) and I do, than you understand that even the most abstract language and thought processes are literally built on/ made out of metaphors. This is a roundabout way of saying that I love metaphor, and I use it all the time in psychotherapy interventions, classroom instruction, and every day meaning making and problem solving.
This is all an even rounder about way of saying that I am not allergic to creative language. Quite the opposite. I'm always shopping for effective ways to communicate and remember the (often times dismally abstract) constructs and findings that power good psychotherapy. That is, I suppose, the real reason I am a little fixated on, and disappointed by this particular aspect of this particular book.
I will say that Johnson's tango analogy for adult attachment style is quite lovely, and it hit home for me. But even there, the tango can elicit some horrible and cliché images. I like to think I know a thing or two about the real spirit of the tango, so I will use this metaphor privately. But probably not publicly, at least not without a little video clip of some authentic tango.
I call it C.B.N.Q (close but not quite) for Hold Me Tight. I will certainly shop for other popularizations of emotion focused therapy to recommend to friends, students and clients. I'm going to continue to read and practice in the EFT model, but I think the next book I pick will be from Less Greenberg. Perhaps he's a better writer for me.
This book was an interesting counterpoint to How to Improve Your Marriage Without Talking About It: Finding Love Beyond Words, which I read immediately before it. Both books seem to agree on the basic principle that both men and women want to feel connection, and the pain of lacking that is the heart of the problems in a relationship. However, this book offers the opposite solution: talking your way through it. It basically offers a model of seven conversations that can heal and transform your relationship:
1. Recognizing the demon dialog (where you both identify the pattern/vicious cycle of the fight you always have or whatever, and realize the pattern is the enemy, not your partner 2. Finding the raw spots (identifying each partner's sensitive topics/triggers, helping each other understand, soothing them) 3. Revisiting a rocky moment (going back to a really bad fight, revisiting what went wrong, redoing it to a happier resolution) 4. Hold me tight--engaging and connecting (exploring your deepest fears and needs together, to get that really strong emotional connection) 5. Forgiving Injuries (hurt person speaks his/her pain, injuring party stays emotionally present and acknowledges other person's pain, hurt person explains the "never again" that resulted, injuring party owns responsibility for his/her actions and apologizes (ideal elements: show you care in your manner, explicitly acknowledge that the other person's hurt and anger are legitimate, own up to what you did wrong, express shame, reassure that you'll be there/not let it happen again), do a "Hold me Tight" conversation around this, rewrite the story of this incident with your triumphant reconciliation) 6. Bonding through Sex and Touch (security and connection <=> more satisfying sex) 7. Keeping Your Love Alive (maintenance: creating rituals around leaving and reuniting each day, creating a resilient relationship story, envisioning your awesome future together)
I like the idea of this, and many of the case study conversations made me cry, but honestly, I don't think this would work for us without a facilitator. It comes with impressive stats, though: over 15 years, 70-75% of couples who did this process with a therapist recovered and got happy (p. 7). I don't think I've heard of success rates that high for any other kind of therapy anywhere.
The application of attachment theory to adult romantic relationships is genius. According to Johnson, the need for attachment underlies the conflict involved in the pursue-withdraw dance that couples often get locked into, a dance she aptly metaphorizes as the Polka. Her work provides tools for couples who want to stop dancing the Polka and start doing a Tango, her language for a relationship that allows for deep connection.
عشق همهچیز است و واقعاً ارزشش را دارد که برایش بجنگی، برایش شجاعت به خرج بدهی و همهچیز را به خطر بیندازی... و اگر چیزی را برایش به خطر نینداختی، بزرگترین خطر را کردهای.
از اهداف کتاب اینه که بهمون بفهمونه که باید الگوهای منفی روابطمون رو شناسایی کنیم و بتونیم قبل از اینکه به جای باریکی برسه مدیریتش کنیم. چطور در روابطمون احساس امنیت بکنیم و بتونیم خود خود واقعیمون باشیم.
This is the best book I’ve found that addresses struggles in romantic relationships by exploring attachment hurts and needs. I know I will reference Hold Me Tight over and over, and I highly recommend it to anyone struggling in romantic relationships.
در اینکه کتاب خوب و کارآمدیه هیچ شکی نیست، چون ک خیلی خوب مشکلات احتمالی ی رابطه رو بیان کرده و راه حلاشونو با کمک مثالای متعدد توضیح داده ک خواننده بتونه تو واقعیت پیادش کنه، ب شرط اینکه کتاب توسط دو طرف رابطه خونده بشه. این از این. ولی این وسط ی چیزی هست ک نمیشه کاملا هم اسمشو ایراد گذاشت، اونم اینه ک این کتاب فقط برای درمان خوبه و چندان کمکی ب پیشگیری نمیکنه. من انتظارم این بود ک ی سری اطلاعات و آموزشا برای شروع هر چ بهتر ی رابطه هم توی کتاب اومده باشه ولی خب چیز چندانی دسگیرم نشد. در کل اگر تو رابطتون مشکل دارید خوندن این کتابو ب دو طرف پیشنهاد میکنم ولی اگر میخاین رابطه خوبی رو شروع کنین فک میکنم سیر عشق آلن دوباتن مفیدتر باشه. نتونستم تا آخرش بخونم چون چیز مفیدی برای خودم پیدا نکردم توش✋ پن:وسطای کتاب ب چیز عجیبی برخوردم😐صفحههای 112 تا 129 (گفت و گوی3) کلا نبودن، نه ک پاره شده باشنا، نهههه، نبودن اصن😐
I read many books to see if they could be beneficial to my clients. I'm a big believer in attachment theory and Johnson's Emotionally Focused Couples Therapy incorporates this theory of thought within, so I thought this book might be good for the lay person looking for couples relationship help.
Too bad it's yet another book that should have been an article. Another way the publishing industry forces authors to write an extra 250 pages of word glut to get their ideas out there.
This book could be helpful if you memorized her nomenclature which was so constant Johnson had to provide a glossary, but sheesh, I'd just like it to be straight forward writing instead of SO MANY 'short cut' phrases to put to memory in order to follow her train of thought: Demon Dialogues, Protest Polka Demon Dialog, Hold Me Tight conversations, Forgiving Injuries Conversations, Resilient Relationship Story---you get the picture.
I cannot refer this book to my clients even though there were a few really good suggestions within it. I do feel that attachment theory is at play within adult romantic (and other) relationships but go to the sources, Mary Ainsworth and John Bowlby or maybe read an article such as this one to get the constructive information: https://internal.psychology.illinois....
واقعااا خوشحالم که این کتاب رو خوندم. روشِ درمانِ هیجان محورِ زوجها که تمامِ ۲۴۰ صفحه ی کتاب یا ارجاع به مقالات و مطالعات و آزمایشهای علمی بود یا ارجاع به جلساتِ روانشناسیِ خودِ نویسنده با آدمهای مختلف. هرچند این کتاب برای روابطِ زوجها نوشته شده اما برای من بسیار قابلِ تعمیم به روابطِ دوستانه ی نزدیک یا حتی روابطم با افرادِ خونواده بود. قطعاً این کتاب برای من میره تو دسته ی "یکبار خوندنش کافی نیست" و قطعاً از اون کتابهاست که بعدش چند درجه ذهنم روشن تر شده پس حتما پنج ستاره میگیره واسه من. و از پرهایلایت ترین کتابهایی بود که خوندم حتی :)) انقدر همه ی صفحات پر از نکته های جذاب بود. ترجمه میتونست یک مقدار بهتر باشه اما اذیت کننده نبود مجموعاً.
برای رابطه عاطفی اگه بخوام چند تا کتاب به یک نفر معرفی کنم بعد ��ز ازدواج بدون شکست ویلیام گلسر و 5 زبان عشق قطعا دوکتاب دکتر سوزان جانسون به نام های حس عاشقی و مرا محکم در آغوش بگیر(کتاب حاضر) را معرفی میکنم این کتاب با برسی نیاز های ریشه ای انسان در رابطه با رویکرد EFT (درمان هیجان مدار) به بررسی مکالمات و دعواهای زوجی پرداخته به این صورت که ابتدا مکالمات غلط را در 3 دسته 1 دنبال مقصر بگردیم 2 بدون توجه به مشکلات خودمان به طرف مقابل اعتراض کنیم 3 به حرف یکدیگر گوش ندهیم و از موقعیت فرار کنیم و به جای آن ها چندین گفتگو جایگزین مبتنی بر 3 عامل زیر ارائه میدهد 1.در دسترس بودن 2.پاسخگویی 3.تعهد که در صورت جایگزینی میتوانید به بسیاری از مشکلات رابطه عاطفی غلبه کنید از نطر جانسون زوال ارتباط زناشویی زمانی ست که پاسخ های صمیمی و محبت آمیز بین زن و شوهرها قطع می شود ، نه وقتی که با هم دعوا می کنند در این کتاب به اهمیت بالای رابطه جنسی سالم نیز اشاره شده که پیشنهاد میکنم این بخش ها رو از کتاب زبان اصلی مطالعه کنید جمله ای از کتاب که واقعا من اونو قبول داشتم و به دلم نشست رو برای شما میارم روش های بروز احساسات ، نه تنها به درمان یک رابطه کمک می کند ، بلکه روابطی را ایجاد می کنند که باعث سلامت روان خواهند شد .
This was much better than the kitschy title led me to believe. The premise is that a love relationship is an "attachment-based" relationship and has all the same hallmarks as that of a parent/child attachment relationship, with additional complexities. In the end, you need the security of knowing that no matter what happens, you can rely on your spouse for comfort and support. Most relationship issues arise because of miscommunications regarding how the need for that comfort is shown and responded to.
One of the points that I thought was the most relevant was the circular behavior pattern, the "Protest Polka"- one spouse is looking for attention/ reassurance that everything is ok, and when they feel ignored, they keep poking harder at their partner to get any kind of response, who keeps retreating defensively further and further into silence, or physical distance. In the end, the fight is never about anything substantial at all, just one spouse asking to be acknowledged and for the relationship to be back on an even keel.
بالاخره تقریبا! تمام شد. کتاب خوبی بود، کمی بعضی قسمت هاش کلی و گنگ بود و دوست داشتم با جزئیات بیشتر درباره شون بگه. از این کتاب واژه ی "شفافیت احساسات" رو به خاطر می سپرم. کمی هم حرص خوردم. اینکه با تعاریف و اصول این کتاب میشه به رابطه های پرکشمکش و در آستانه ی فروپاشی نور امیدی تابوند اما خیلی از ما آگاهی ای از اصول درست ترمیم رابطه و تعریف درستی از عشق نداریم. در کل تجربه خوبی بود و فکر می کنم روی کیفیت روابط دوستانه و خانوادگیم یکی دو اثر خوب گذاشت.
O carte practica/utila pentru a intelege mecanismul unei relatii, insa limbajul tip self help, care nu isi avea locul in ea, si traducerea proasta in limba romana, m-au calcat pe nervi. Recomand varianta in engleza (am citit din ambele, in functie de ce am avut la indemana).
This has replaced all the other books on relationships as the number one must-read book. It delves below the more superficial layers of content and process addressed by other authors (e.g., Gottman, Hendricks, Hendrix) and finally gets to the heart of the matter: attachment, safety, and emotional presence/engagement
I have read a few relationship books over the years and this is the first one I would recommend for all couples. Those just starting their relationship. Those who just got married. Those who are doing well. Those who are not doing well. And even those who are single. It has such a unique approach that really resounded with me and I think everyone can appreciate.
Most of therapy today is focused on the learnings of Jung/Freund and trying to understand you, the individual. But in couples therapy, and relationships in general, it’s not about you and your childhood and your relationship with your parents. Instead it’s about opening yourself up to someone else and admitting that you are dependent on them for their love, and them to do the same to you. When we were part of a tribe we received support and love from many people, but in today’s modern society your marriage has become the single and central emotional relationship.
At its core this form of therapy, “Emotional Focused Therapy”, is all about monitoring, maintaining and deepening this emotional connection with your partner. It’s about reaching out to them when we are upset and knowing they will be there for us. It’s about letting them know that you miss them, and them knowing that will be be there for them when they need us. It’s counter intuitive but it is true, the more we know we can lean on our spouse, the more free and independent we can be, knowing that they are there when we need them, and vice versa.
It comes down to three questions, defined as the “ARE” questions for accessibility, responsiveness, and engagement: “Are you there for me? Do I matter to you? Will you come when I need you, when I call?”
Once things are working well, the book has a lot of great advice, just a few: directly stating the attachment needs that right now only your partner can satisfy, tell our partners the specific small ways that they touch us with a spontaneous word or gesture and create a sense of belonging, and being open about unresolved difficult moments.
Note that this is not a book about how to have more or better sex. Instead working on the underlying issues of the relationship will likely result in deeper connection, sex included. “Contented spouses, they conclude, attribute only 15 to 20 percent of their happiness to a pleasing sex life, but unhappy mates ascribe 50 to 70 percent of their distress to sexual problems.
I loved one of the last lines in the book, “Emotion tells us exactly what we need, if we can listen to it and use it as a guide”