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Gay Men's Guide to Love and Relationships
Gay men are entitled to have good, healthy friendships and good, healthy relationships. This book addresses the struggle that gay men have to just find safety in home, employment and relationships. It also focuses on the different needs gay men have, as individuals and as a group. Gay men have often been perceived as "damaged goods" and therefore often act out in self-abusive ways by choosing inappropriate or unavailable men to date or befriend. This book helps identify personality characteristics or behaviors that get in the way of successful relationships. We all need to take responsibility for what we bring to the relationship, and be totally conscious of what the other man also brings to the relationship. So this book is about working at being conscious; conscious of our own behavior and needs, and conscious of other's behavior and needs. There are also poignant thoughts and quotes of other gay men in successful relationships to those who might benefit by their wisdom and experience. Many suggestions are quoted in this book too, from other gay men as to how to seek out a healthy date or potential partner. This book will help guide you to look at you and others, to help lead you to the kind of friends and relationships that will enrich your life, and make you thrive and grow.
168 pages, Paperback
First published October 26, 2012
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couldnt-finish
April 19, 2016You may be thinking, "Erica, you're not a gay man. Why did you read this?"
I would respond, "I actually read a lot of stuff that has very little to do with my personal interests because it is my job to do so. As in, LIT-ERALLY, my job."
It is incredibly rare for me to say anything on Goodreads about the indie-published items I catalog but once in a great while, I feel I have to give an opinion.
This is one of those cases because I worry this book may be more problematic than useful. I could be quite wrong about that and this might be that one book that one guy needs to help him with life so here's the caveat: this is all my opinion. I am not a gay man nor a health professional nor a relationship expert and I have no facts or even direct anecdotes to back up what I'm about to say.
I do, however, have the ability to quote from the book as well as the use of my own reading comprehension to help me along through this territory in which I probably do not belong.
Dr. Travis begins with these four chapters: What is a relationship? -- So what is a gay man? -- How are gay men similar? -- How are gay men different?
This sets the parameters of “gay” and “relationship” for the reader.
Next, he describes "Some types of gay relationships." The penultimate paragraph of this short chapter tells us that gay men often have impaired social skills, as they didn't get the chance in high school to define themselves as most teenagers do. This delays social skills development and emotional development for many gay men. [no citation available]
Dear some of you gay men: You are socially retarded. I'm sorry to be the bearer of this bad news, but it's true. It's in a book. Also, it's mostly just you. No other group of people is as jacked-up as you guys, soooo...you're already a step behind the rest of us. Better start jogging if you hope to catch up. This book can be your running shoes.
Now that we're all on the same page, let's move on to gay friendships.
Friendship is important to everyone because it's common for people to be more emotionally close to their friends than to anyone else they know.
Women are, apparently, especially good at this because they have a greater need or desire for emotional expression with another person (it's probably because, you know, that whole being from Venus thing) so are naturally better at making and developing and nurturing friendships than most men are [no citation available] because welcome back to the last century in which women have mad skillz at compassion and love while men do sports and sex and stuff.
There's some generic information that applies to people, in general, but, in this case, is made specific to gay men so that the following can occur:
You know.
Like this.
So festive!
Ummmmm,
But wait! There's more! That was just page 18.
We then move on to gay non-friendship relationships and begin planning how to think about thinking about the guy you may want to date or make into your BFF, if he’s not dating material. But, first, think about you. Are you good enough, are you smart enough for people to like you? No? Fix that and then we'll move on.
Fixed? Excellent. Now we're ready for the author’s Rule of Eight.
" If you are dating a man who is a serious contender for a potential relationship, then date him, and have no genital contact for eight dates! "
Dear gay men, I am so sorry it's come to this. If it helps, I can give you some really great platitudes, like the one about rotten apples on the ground and boys who climb trees to get to the highest fruit. If you'd rather, you could have your dad give you a purity ring, maybe? Also, don't wear patent leather shoes with your dresses or skirts because boys will try to look at your underwear. Remember, we all know that there's no reason to buy the cow that gives out free milkshakes in the yard. Look. You just can’t find someone’s inner beauty if you’re only thinking about poking around their inner orifices, ok? So keep your pokers to yourself for awhile, horndogs.
The good news is that after you've held off for eight dates, you can become a couple and then you can experience one of the gay relationship models, the first of which is a four-way or "fouple" which is totally not a word. A fouple is a romantic relationship comprised of two couples who do everything together in a polyamorous fashion only it's not called a polyamorous relationship because I don't know why. It just isn't. It’s a fouple, ok?
If that doesn't work for you, which is usually the case, according to the good doctor, then maybe you'd be interested in a three-way? Only that's not what it's really called because a three-way means three people having sex and it's not a three-way if it's a relationship because it's about more than sex, it's about three people as a romantic unit and it's called a "throuple" because made-up words are fun, especially when they start to become common words, as is the case here. Please note that throuples are complex. Had you not been a gay man, you'd have figured that out yourself, long ago, but since you may be socially retarded, and all, this will be news to you so look at you learning things! Hooray!
So if fouples and throuples seem too troublesome or you just can't make them work, you could try the old-fashioned two-way, or couple, idea. Couple is a real word, by the way. That's where you find a guy, you don't have genital contact for eight dates, and then you're together! I believe there's the swapping of letter jackets at this time. It's cute. But it’s also still complex because it’s a relationship and those are hard.
And if you can't pull that off, then try a one-way. You'll be called a "single," "hunter," "isolator," "loner," or "independent" if you go this route because not all gay men want to be in a relationship. I'm not sure why those gay men are reading this book. Probably they are looking for gay friends so thank goodness for the chapter on friendship.
There are also the No-Ways who are single forever and I don't know how these differ from the One-Ways because I didn't bother reading these particular chapters any further. I mean, how important is it, really, to know these types of relationship models? It’s not like you have to register your model with the state. Wait, do you? Is that what happens if gay marriage isn’t allowed where you live? You have to register your relationship model? No? Not the case? Well, then.
So those are some of your relationship options.
But what if you're having problems getting into one of those relationships in the first place?
Well, there are four reasons that could be happening.
You were sexually abused as a child, you have a mood disorder, you're an addict, or you have abandonment issues.
Oh, also HIV.
Fix that and move on so you can date, already! Because there are places you can go to meet people!
And just so you don't trip yourself up, included is a list of mistakes not to make when relationshipping. For instance, if you always say you love his choices and you always do what he wants to do, your relationship will end. If you gain weight or lose weight, your relationship will end. If you quit your job to let him support you while you do homemaker work, your relationship will end because everyone knows that's the woman's job and neither of you are women so neither of you can have that job.
Seriously, those can't be right. I need to read this more in-depth. Hold on a sec...
Ok, it says These are mistakes which may sabotage, weaken, or destroy a relationship: ...
6. Gain weight/lose weight...
8. Quit your job, or lose your job and let him support you, while you stay home and take care of the house and the dogs…
Obviously, this list could go on and on. I hope you got some laughs from it.
Ok, so maybe it doesn't say your relationship will end but did I read that correctly, otherwise? Your relationship could be damaged if your weight changes or if you stay home and take care of the house while he works, loljk, but no, really…
I can't do this anymore.
I've taken you through enough of this relationship help guide.
Don't get me wrong. There is some actual relationship advice in here. I don't know how useful it is but if you’ve learned something helpful in this review, then you should probably buy this book and learn more things. However, you should be aware that this is all about partner selection, not about sex. There is no sex. You're not even supposed to be touching genitals for eight dates so you’ll need to look elsewhere if you’re new to this whole sex thing and need advice in that arena. Also, if you’re under the age of 50 and want relationship advice not based in stereotypes and tired, outdated social norms, you may want to give this a pass.
I would respond, "I actually read a lot of stuff that has very little to do with my personal interests because it is my job to do so. As in, LIT-ERALLY, my job."
It is incredibly rare for me to say anything on Goodreads about the indie-published items I catalog but once in a great while, I feel I have to give an opinion.
This is one of those cases because I worry this book may be more problematic than useful. I could be quite wrong about that and this might be that one book that one guy needs to help him with life so here's the caveat: this is all my opinion. I am not a gay man nor a health professional nor a relationship expert and I have no facts or even direct anecdotes to back up what I'm about to say.
I do, however, have the ability to quote from the book as well as the use of my own reading comprehension to help me along through this territory in which I probably do not belong.
Dr. Travis begins with these four chapters: What is a relationship? -- So what is a gay man? -- How are gay men similar? -- How are gay men different?
This sets the parameters of “gay” and “relationship” for the reader.
Next, he describes "Some types of gay relationships." The penultimate paragraph of this short chapter tells us that gay men often have impaired social skills, as they didn't get the chance in high school to define themselves as most teenagers do. This delays social skills development and emotional development for many gay men. [no citation available]
Dear some of you gay men: You are socially retarded. I'm sorry to be the bearer of this bad news, but it's true. It's in a book. Also, it's mostly just you. No other group of people is as jacked-up as you guys, soooo...you're already a step behind the rest of us. Better start jogging if you hope to catch up. This book can be your running shoes.
Now that we're all on the same page, let's move on to gay friendships.
Friendship is important to everyone because it's common for people to be more emotionally close to their friends than to anyone else they know.
Women are, apparently, especially good at this because they have a greater need or desire for emotional expression with another person (it's probably because, you know, that whole being from Venus thing) so are naturally better at making and developing and nurturing friendships than most men are [no citation available] because welcome back to the last century in which women have mad skillz at compassion and love while men do sports and sex and stuff.
There's some generic information that applies to people, in general, but, in this case, is made specific to gay men so that the following can occur:
The holidays are usually quite festive for most gay men and their friends. Dinners are usually quite lavish and complex, and decorations come out for every different holiday. On Halloween, friends help each other get dressed and "frolic" through whatever venue they can attend during this favorite holiday.[no citation available]
You know.
Like this.
So festive!
Ummmmm,
But wait! There's more! That was just page 18.
We then move on to gay non-friendship relationships and begin planning how to think about thinking about the guy you may want to date or make into your BFF, if he’s not dating material. But, first, think about you. Are you good enough, are you smart enough for people to like you? No? Fix that and then we'll move on.
Fixed? Excellent. Now we're ready for the author’s Rule of Eight.
" If you are dating a man who is a serious contender for a potential relationship, then date him, and have no genital contact for eight dates! "
Dear gay men, I am so sorry it's come to this. If it helps, I can give you some really great platitudes, like the one about rotten apples on the ground and boys who climb trees to get to the highest fruit. If you'd rather, you could have your dad give you a purity ring, maybe? Also, don't wear patent leather shoes with your dresses or skirts because boys will try to look at your underwear. Remember, we all know that there's no reason to buy the cow that gives out free milkshakes in the yard. Look. You just can’t find someone’s inner beauty if you’re only thinking about poking around their inner orifices, ok? So keep your pokers to yourself for awhile, horndogs.
The good news is that after you've held off for eight dates, you can become a couple and then you can experience one of the gay relationship models, the first of which is a four-way or "fouple" which is totally not a word. A fouple is a romantic relationship comprised of two couples who do everything together in a polyamorous fashion only it's not called a polyamorous relationship because I don't know why. It just isn't. It’s a fouple, ok?
If that doesn't work for you, which is usually the case, according to the good doctor, then maybe you'd be interested in a three-way? Only that's not what it's really called because a three-way means three people having sex and it's not a three-way if it's a relationship because it's about more than sex, it's about three people as a romantic unit and it's called a "throuple" because made-up words are fun, especially when they start to become common words, as is the case here. Please note that throuples are complex. Had you not been a gay man, you'd have figured that out yourself, long ago, but since you may be socially retarded, and all, this will be news to you so look at you learning things! Hooray!
So if fouples and throuples seem too troublesome or you just can't make them work, you could try the old-fashioned two-way, or couple, idea. Couple is a real word, by the way. That's where you find a guy, you don't have genital contact for eight dates, and then you're together! I believe there's the swapping of letter jackets at this time. It's cute. But it’s also still complex because it’s a relationship and those are hard.
And if you can't pull that off, then try a one-way. You'll be called a "single," "hunter," "isolator," "loner," or "independent" if you go this route because not all gay men want to be in a relationship. I'm not sure why those gay men are reading this book. Probably they are looking for gay friends so thank goodness for the chapter on friendship.
There are also the No-Ways who are single forever and I don't know how these differ from the One-Ways because I didn't bother reading these particular chapters any further. I mean, how important is it, really, to know these types of relationship models? It’s not like you have to register your model with the state. Wait, do you? Is that what happens if gay marriage isn’t allowed where you live? You have to register your relationship model? No? Not the case? Well, then.
So those are some of your relationship options.
But what if you're having problems getting into one of those relationships in the first place?
Well, there are four reasons that could be happening.
You were sexually abused as a child, you have a mood disorder, you're an addict, or you have abandonment issues.
Oh, also HIV.
Fix that and move on so you can date, already! Because there are places you can go to meet people!
And just so you don't trip yourself up, included is a list of mistakes not to make when relationshipping. For instance, if you always say you love his choices and you always do what he wants to do, your relationship will end. If you gain weight or lose weight, your relationship will end. If you quit your job to let him support you while you do homemaker work, your relationship will end because everyone knows that's the woman's job and neither of you are women so neither of you can have that job.
Seriously, those can't be right. I need to read this more in-depth. Hold on a sec...
Ok, it says These are mistakes which may sabotage, weaken, or destroy a relationship: ...
6. Gain weight/lose weight...
8. Quit your job, or lose your job and let him support you, while you stay home and take care of the house and the dogs…
Obviously, this list could go on and on. I hope you got some laughs from it.
Ok, so maybe it doesn't say your relationship will end but did I read that correctly, otherwise? Your relationship could be damaged if your weight changes or if you stay home and take care of the house while he works, loljk, but no, really…
I can't do this anymore.
I've taken you through enough of this relationship help guide.
Don't get me wrong. There is some actual relationship advice in here. I don't know how useful it is but if you’ve learned something helpful in this review, then you should probably buy this book and learn more things. However, you should be aware that this is all about partner selection, not about sex. There is no sex. You're not even supposed to be touching genitals for eight dates so you’ll need to look elsewhere if you’re new to this whole sex thing and need advice in that arena. Also, if you’re under the age of 50 and want relationship advice not based in stereotypes and tired, outdated social norms, you may want to give this a pass.
December 23, 2016
If you're a gay man, this will be nothing new
While this book may be a useful introduction to gay male relationships for an individual who is not a gay male (or not LGBTQ), you may just want to talk to gay men about their experiences. For gay men, this information will not be new. Most useful parts of the book were quotes from gay men and couples themselves, as well as some resources for mental health and HIV services. Only took me about an hour to skim through - not many parts I lingered on.
While this book may be a useful introduction to gay male relationships for an individual who is not a gay male (or not LGBTQ), you may just want to talk to gay men about their experiences. For gay men, this information will not be new. Most useful parts of the book were quotes from gay men and couples themselves, as well as some resources for mental health and HIV services. Only took me about an hour to skim through - not many parts I lingered on.
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