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Not "Just Friends": Rebuilding Trust and Recovering Your Sanity After Infidelity
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Not "Just Friends": Rebuilding Trust and Recovering Your Sanity After Infidelity

4.17  ·  Rating details ·  597 ratings  ·  56 reviews
Author(s): Shirley Glass & Jean Coppock Staeheli ISBN: 9780743225502 Binding: Paperback Published: 2004-04-15 Accompanied by case stories, a thought-provoking and compassionate guide documents the entire cycle of an affair, offering a step-by-step approach to healing and protecting monogamy after betrayal, as well as providing a new model for preventing an affair, one ...more
Paperback, 425 pages
Published February 3rd 2004 by Atria Books (first published December 31st 2002)
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4.17  · 
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 ·  597 ratings  ·  56 reviews

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Linda Macdonald
Jan 13, 2008 rated it it was amazing
Recommends it for: Therapists or anyone struggling with an affair
Best book I have read on recovering from the trauma of infidelity. Shirley Glass was a clinical psychologist who was one of the top infidelity experts in the country (regretably she died of breast cancer in the fall of 2006). In her book she debunks common myths such as "Only people who are unhappily married have affairs," and "A relationship is only an affair when sexual intercourse is involved."

As a therapist, I have found this book invaluable and so have my clients. I have met Dr. Glass in p
Mar 27, 2009 rated it it was amazing
If you're dealing with an infidelity, no matter what side you're on, this is one of the best books out there. There are so many books out there on this topic; the market is literally flooded with them (speaks to the amount of cheating that must go on, doesn't it?). It's difficult to really know what will have concrete advice and explanations. This books is good for the "betrayed," because it doesn't blame the victim, it helps the person heal whether you're staying together or not, and it helps g ...more
Feb 09, 2012 rated it did not like it
This book is religious, heteronormative propaganda. I read it at the same time I read Redefining Our Relationships by Wendy O Matik, which was much better, even for people who don't want to be in an open relationship because it discusses ambiguity within relationships/friendships between men and women as being healthy and normal, not something to fear or repress. Monogamy might be a goal or an ideal to strive for, but within long term relationships it is usually not the reality. Jealousy and pos ...more
David Peters
Oct 02, 2009 rated it really liked it
Why I read It
On a blog I was reading someone highlighted some passages of the book and it sounded interesting. Now remember I originally went to school to become a therapist and thus my interesting probably varies quite a bit from yours. So I emailed the writer and he sent me the reference. Luckily my local library system had a copy.

The Good
A very experienced marriage therapist, whose specialty is infidelity, shares what she has learned over the years with numerous case studies and examples.

Michelle Ackland
Aug 27, 2013 rated it did not like it
This book is nowhere near the authority on emotional affairs that it sets out to be. While it has a few good points, they all seem to be borrowed from other affair authors---Subotnik, Abrahms-Spring, and more. This book also has a clear bias towards men being more likely to have affairs which is unfair and short sighted. The cliche of the boss having an affair with his secretary repeats several times throughout the book and is a tired and outdated example of what affairs look like. Don't waste y ...more
Dec 02, 2013 rated it liked it
I am not currently in a relationship, but if I were this book would be way too long to read before things blew up. It could be a lot shorter. Out of the several books I've read on affairs, this one by far is the most into keeping the married couple together. The focus is more on "regular" people who accidentally slipped into affairs instead of going into personality disorders or inherently dysfunctional relationships/people. So if you want a book from that angle, check this one out.
Feb 26, 2010 rated it it was amazing
Shelves: kindle, own
Another book that I hope none of you will ever need. This book showed me what could have been going through his head and how the whole thing grew from friends to "not just friends". It opened my eyes and suggested questions that I may or may not want answered so we can move past it.

The first couple of chapters really struck a little too close to home, but I'm glad that I read the whole book.
Meghan Daley
This book has some excellent point and take aways, but it feels one-sided. You can tell that Shirley Glass tried to examine every possible relationship scenario, but it is just not possible, so it was hard for me to identify with this book.
Feb 27, 2009 marked it as to-read
...what therapists read for fun...
Feb 23, 2019 rated it really liked it
Picked this up after someone recommended it in a reddit relationship thread. The book aims to be useful to many different audiences - the betrayed, the betrayer, the "other woman/man/person", the therapist, even couples who are fine so far. Of course, it assumes monogamy is your end goal, which isn't the case for everyone.

The beginning sections were the most interesting to me, since Dr. Glass goes over statistics and "prevention myths". I learned a lot about how to pre-emptively protect boundari
Heather Leblanc
Jul 22, 2017 rated it really liked it
A helpful, constructive approach to the many considerations in marriage after infidelity. There is very little judgment in this book. Glass includes research from her field as well as her own personal practice examples. There are questionnaires, activities, and exercises to do alone and as a couple; these help to get conversations started that may be long overdue. She gives practical advice and guidelines for communication and by no means does she promise outcomes or offer absolute judgment. In ...more
Jul 16, 2017 rated it it was amazing
This is a terrific book for couples recovering from infidelity together and for clinicians who work with these couples. The author writes sensitively about the experience of the betrayed partner, unfaithful partner, and affair partner and their unique tasks in the recovery process. The author's discussion of myths pertaining to the causes of infidelity as well as individual, relational, and sociocultural vulnerabilities to infidelity were particularly informative.
Sep 18, 2018 rated it it was amazing
Thorough, well researched and written. Despite being almost 400 pages its fairly easy reading, and Dr. Glass does a phenomenal job of using analogies to make the concepts clear. This was a good read for anybody in a relationship, not just those working through infidelities.
Was recommended to me and made sense to read.
Ashlyn Thibodeaux
Extremely helpful with understanding Boundaries

Life after infidelity can be devastating, with the help of this book, I can now see the light at the end of the tunnel!
Sep 12, 2018 rated it it was amazing
I have a whole blog about this book, I can't say enough about it. I would suggest everyone read this book before they get married.
Dec 07, 2018 rated it it was amazing
This book helped me on my recovery from infidelity and from myself.
Highly recommend.
Apr 05, 2018 rated it really liked it
The best book I’ve read on healing from infidelity.

I love that it encourages partners to be open and honest. When a betrayal has occurred, there can be a tendency to pull back, out of shame or hurt, but the way to heal and reconnect is to be more open. Even if saying or hearing the words hurt, sometimes the best way to get past a problem is to push straight through it.

Feb 20, 2015 rated it really liked it
I found this book very helpful, and I'm sure as I further digest the ideas from this book, it'll prove even more useful in the future. I've been married ten years and got married young, so my husband and I have faced many temptations and inappropriate friendships over the years. Finally, after many fights over this topic, I decided to stop obsessing over those friendships and instead obsess over finding a way to improve our relationship and work toward healing.

I bought it after reading a sectio
A great book! I don't have first hand knowledge (and hope never to!) about marital infidelity, but this book really shed light on the slippery slope to an affair. All too common these days are affairs that start at the workplace. First two people have an innocent opposite sex friendship which grows more intimate over times with emotional intimacy, secrecy and sexual attraction. And this friendship, can, if left unchecked, morph into a full-blown sexual affair. The late Shirley Glass shows the st ...more
Steven Cobb
Jun 25, 2009 rated it it was amazing
Have learned quite a lot in a very short time from this book. Her writing is concise and clear and dead on as far as I'm concerned about how all are affected. I like that she includes a lot of her own and others' research about relationships and infidelity as well as many, many stories taken from more than 2 decades of therapy work with patients. It's information that most people don't readily discuss. I particularly like the following...under the heading 'Old Flames Burn Hottest'

"People who rec
John Kennedy
May 21, 2009 rated it it was amazing
This is an invaluable reference book for our increasingly sexualized society. Glass, who sadly died of cancer the year the book was published, notes that most affairs involve co-workers. They are unplanned, yet the couple gradually moves from friends to lovers. As married men and women have more opportunities to spend time with members of the opposite sex, this trend will continue. Certainly people who work closely at church are vulnerable if proper boundaries aren't established.

But transparency
Feb 08, 2009 rated it it was amazing
The first few chapters are helpful for any committed relationship, regardless of whether an affair has occurred or not.

While I have often heard the idea that married couples should "never be alone with a member of the opposite sex" and in some cases going so far as to say you should not even be friends, Glass outlines a much more practical yet still safe way to work with and have relationships with those of the opposite sex (or same sex, depending on one's orientation):

1-Be completely open with
Nov 30, 2012 rated it really liked it
Shelves: 2012, non-fiction
Neither a betrayed or unfaithful spouse nor an affair partner, I read Not “just friends:” Rebuilding trust and recovering your sanity after infidelity as a pure spectator on the recommendation of someone rebuilding after marital infidelity. I found it offered a very systematic look at this phenomenon.

Dr. Shirley Glass, along with writing partner Jean Coppock Staeheli, takes the reader through how infidelity can occur even in good marriages, the feelings and thought processes once the affair is
Jan 27, 2009 rated it it was amazing
I knew the author personally after going through this situation myself. The late Dr Glass was an angel...she was truly a compassionate person who really cared about her patients and a true scientist. This book is based on years and years of research and clinical practice experience. Dr Glass saved my life and turned it around... and this book helped provide the foundation. It provides a really balanced view from both partners' views, as well as the affair partner. It helps you understand the big ...more
Mar 19, 2011 rated it really liked it
This was a well written, from all parties perspective into the the world of infidelity. Glass allows for deep introspection and understanding of the betrayed, the unfaithful spouse and the affair partner.

This book is not only a good resourse for those going through the pain of infidelity but for those who want to help themselves become more aware of where they might be vulnerable and to set themselves up to avoid the pitfalls that draw you in to situations where temptation may occur.

Glass does
Nov 29, 2016 rated it liked it
Shelves: relations
Tough book to read for someone who has been betrayed. Makes me sick to my stomach to here how things unfold in detail. I am hoping it can help me recover.

Good info but wish has more Christian influence as this is what I think is needed to give a person a view outside self and this world.
For example the section on forgiveness makes use of only human power which I think in my case will not be enough to make full forgiveness or recovery.

Last chapters are best info for me as they give practical inf
Linda Macdonald
Jan 13, 2008 rated it it was amazing  ·  review of another edition
Best book I have read on recovering from the trauma of infidelity. Shirley Glass was a clinical psychologist who was one of the top infidelity experts in the country (regretably she died of breast cancer in the fall of 2006). In her book she debunks common myths such as "Only people who are unhappily married have affairs," and "A relationship is only an affair when sexual intercourse is involved."

As a therapist, I have found this book invaluable and so have my clients. I have met Dr. Glass in p
May 06, 2013 rated it it was amazing
This book was critical in helping me gain insight and understanding into how and why an emotional and physical affair occurs. Dr. Glass explains how and why a friendship crosses the boundary into an emotional affair which then often becomes physical with empathic yet direct language. She explores the affair from all viewpoints: the betrayed partner, the involved partner, and the affair partner. Dr. Glass is very pro-making-the-marriage work, but she offers practical guidance and hope for when th ...more
Suzanne Kunz Williams
How many affairs progress from friendship to emotional infidelity to physical infidelity? Too many! My marriage is worth protecting. Your marriage is worth protecting too. This book shows different reasons that emotional and physical infidelity happen. Knowing those reasons, we can all better set the rules and the boundaries that can help safeguard our marriage.

This book also gives principles and tips on how to build trust and how to build compassion - two traits needed to help save a relations
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“Unfaithful persons often say they are protecting their partners from pain, but they are really protecting themselves from exposure so they can continue to live the double life.” 2 likes
“Therefore, no matter how hard you may have worked to save the marriage, if your partner was unwilling to end an affair in which there was a deep emotional involvement, you were fighting an uphill battle.” 1 likes
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