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237 pages, ebook
First published November 13, 2015
"Dina, I’m bored,” Caldenia announced.
Too bad. I guaranteed her safety, not entertainment. “What about your game?”
Her Grace gave me a shrug. “I’ve beaten it five times on the Deity setting. I’ve reduced
Paris to ashes because Napoleon annoyed me. I’ve eradicated Gandhi. I’ve crushed George Washington. Empress Wu had potential, so I eliminated her before we even cleared Bronze Age. The Egyptians are my pawns. I dominate the planet. Oddly, I find myself mildly fascinated by Genghis Khan. A shrewd and savage warrior, possessing a certain magnetism. I left him with a single city, and I periodically make ridiculous demands that I know he can’t meet so I can watch him squirm."
. . . hated each other so much their feud had become legendary. Half the jokes in the galaxy started with “a vampire and an otrokar walk into a bar....”
My future chef was an oversized, hysterical hedgehog with a martyr complex.
A Quillonian chef. My dear, you shouldn’t have. Well, you should have months ago, but one mustn’t be petty. Finally. I shall be dining in a style to which I am suited. Fantastic. Does he have moral scruples? I am reasonably sure that this summit will result in at least one murder, and I have never tasted an otrokar.Ilona Andrews’ INNKEEPER CHRONICLES series is a fantasy with a thin veneer of science fiction. As Dina commented in Clean Sweep, higher physics is indistinguishable from magic for those who don’t understand it, and this series takes that concept and runs with it. For practical purposes, Sweep in Peace is in the urban fantasy genre, with just a touch of romance in this installment. The engaging, imaginative plot and liberal doses of the Andrews’ trademark snarky humor made this a highly enjoyable read.
” Caldenia blinked. “Who are the attending parties?”
“The Holy Anocracy, represented by House Krahr; the Hope-Crushing Horde; and the Merchants of Baha-char. They are coming here for the arbitration, and they will probably try to murder each other the moment they walk through the door.”
Caldenia’s eyes widened. “Do you really think so? This is absolutely marvelous!”
You are not a gentle flower who spends its whole life in a greenhouse. You are a wildfire, Lark. A wildfire.” A sun burst on the images, its violent fury drowning the cosmos. “Dare to take that step and I will show you wonders beyond your imagination. I will give you a chance to make a difference. Come with me.” George offered his hand to her. “Live. Join me or not, but live, gods damn you, because I cannot stand the thought of you slowly aging here like some dusty fossil under glass.
“I asked him if he was leaving anyone behind. He said he’d met a girl with stardust on her robe, and when he looked into her eyes, he saw the universe looking back.”
“He said that?”
“He did. The blood of Auul flows through him. We were warriors and poets, often both. I asked him if he thought this girl would wait for him, and he said he wasn’t sure.”
“They coming here for Arbitration and they will probably try to murder each other the moment they walk through the door.”
Caldenia’s eyes widened. “Do you really think so? This is absolutely marvelous!”
She would think so, wouldn’t she?”
“Winter sun to you and your warriors. My water is your water. My fire is your fire. My beds are soft and my knives are sharp. Spit on my hospitality and I’ll slit your throat.”
“Do not speak of money to me. If I leave, you would ruin this kitchen. You would wallow in your prehistoric barbarism, producing inedible food and desecrating the ingredients.” He raised his chin. “I have spoken.”
“Oh thank the stars.” Caldenia exhaled. “No offense to your cooking, but the thought of going back to it was causing me actual anxiety.”
“Just a small demonstration for the public good,” he said. “I am so sorry.”
“You’re apologizing in advance.”
“Yes.”
Never a good sign”
Dear [Angela]’s Boss,
It has been conclusively proven that the wellbeing of employees is the main contributing factor to the superior performance at work. Please see the attached link to Harvard Business Review. It is imperative to [Angela]’s wellbeing that she be permitted to have a day off in an effort to review Sweep in Peace, a volume on importance of employee ethics, team building, and personal responsibility. We hope that you will recognize the value of the material and allow [Angela] the opportunity to continue her development as a skilled and exemplary employee of your company.
Sincerely, Ilona Andrews.
“They say the dead have no memories and know no pain.” George’s voice was barely above a whisper, but somehow it was louder than the pleas of the corpses. “It’s not that way for me.”
“What can I do for you, Arbitrator?” I asked.
“George, please. There is no hot water in my bathroom.”
“Oh really?” You don’t say.
“Yes. In fact, it’s ice-cold.” He raised a half-filled glass. Thin slivers of ice floated on its surface. “I drew this from the tap in my sink.”
“How unfortunate. When did this happen?”
“About two minutes ago.”
“While you were in the shower?”
“Yes.”
“My apologies. I’ll get right on that.”
George squinted at me, his face thoughtful, and waved the call off.
Sophie leaned back and laughed. “You really love those trees.”
“This is blasphemy!” Odalon declared in the same way Gerard Butler had once roared “This is Sparta.” Sadly, Odalon had nobody to kick into a bottomless hole for emphasis, so he settled for looking extremely put out.”
“Like a primitive savage, who sets out to tame the wilderness armed with nothing but a knife and his indomitable will, I will persevere. I will wrestle victory from the greedy jaws of defeat. I shall rise like a bird of prey upon the current of the wind, my talons raised for the kill, and I shall strike true.”
Oh wow. I hope the inn filmed that.
“Are you also a professional soldier?
He grinned. “I’m more of a gentleman of adventure.”
George laughed under his breath.
“I save these two from themselves,” Gaston continued. “Occasionally I do a bit of skullduggery.”
What? “Skullduggery?”
“Scale a ten-foot wall, jump out of the shadows, break a diplomat’s neck, plant false documents on his body, and prevent an international incident type of thing to keep the war from breaking out,” Gaston said helpfully. “Dreadful stuff, but quite necessary.”
“Attosecond?” Gaston asked.
“I’m guessing it’s a very, very small fraction of a second,” I said.
“One quintillionth of a second,” George said, without raising his head from his reader.
Jack pondered him. “Have you started memorizing random crap again to amuse yourself?”
“No, I’m connected to the wireless,” George said. “I googled it.”
Caldenia blinked. “Who are the attending parties?”
“The Holy Anocracy represented by House Krahr, the Hope-crushing Horde, and the Merchants of Baha-char. They coming here for Arbitration and they will probably try to murder each other the moment they walk through the door.”
Caldenia’s eyes widened. “Do you really think so? This is absolutely marvelous!”
She would think so, wouldn’t she
“I had one chance to impress the Arbiter and I had to improvise.”
Caldenia arched one eyebrow.
“I saw it in a movie once,” I explained. “It was easy to visualize.”
“Was it a movie for adults?”
“It had a talking candelabra who was friends with a grumpy clock.”
“I see.”
Caldenia blinked. “Who are the attending parties?”
“The Holy Anocracy represented by House Krahr, the Hope-crushing Horde, and the Merchants of Baha-char. They coming here for Arbitration and they will probably try to murder each other the moment they walk through the door.”
Caldenia’s eyes widened. “Do you really think so? This is absolutely marvelous!”
She would think so, wouldn’t she?
“She is in particular interested in the Ennui predator. She very much likes its demeanor and coloring in the images. She understand she may not get that particular one, but perhaps one that resembles it? A young one?”
The Ennui predator. “Where did she find these images?”
“On your planet’s holonet,” Nuan Ara said helpfully.
We didn’t have holonet. We had internet… Oh. “So, the esteemed grandmother would like a kitten that looks like Grumpy Cat?” I picked up my laptop, typed in the image search for Grumpy Cat, and showed him the picture.
“Yes!”
“I will see what I can do.”
My future chef was an oversized, hysterical hedgehog with a martyr complex.
“Dina, I’m bored,” Caldenia announced.
Too bad. I guaranteed her safety, not entertainment. “What about your game?”
Her Grace gave me a shrug. “I’ve beaten it five times on the Deity setting. I’ve reduced Paris to ashes because Napoleon annoyed me. I’ve eradicated Gandhi. I’ve crushed George Washington. Empress Wu had potential, so I eliminated her before we even cleared Bronze Age. The Egyptians are my pawns. I dominate the planet. Oddly, I find myself mildly fascinated by Genghis Khan. A shrewd and savage warrior, possessing a certain magnetism. I left him with a single city, and I periodically make ridiculous demands that I know he can’t meet so I can watch him squirm.”