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The Holy Bible, English Standard Version
The English Standard Version (ESV) Bible is an essentially literal Bible translation that combines word-for-word precision and accuracy with literary excellence, beauty, and depth of meaning.
1954 pages, Kindle Edition
First published January 1, 1982
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* They are officially published under that name
* They are traditional stories not attributed to a specific author
* They are religious texts not generally attributed to a specific author
Books whose authorship is merely uncertain should be attributed to Unknown.
See also: Anonymous
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Displaying 1 - 30 of 2,820 reviews
December 30, 2013
Unbelivabe characters, poor writing skills. This fantasy book can't even keep the internal logic of it's world going. And the god character is just such a unrelenting villian that it's a real downer.
November 23, 2018
Not gay enough
July 7, 2020
I liked it. It was great fiction. I enjoyed the parts with Jesus and his twelve boyfriends and the drama between them. I do think that Jesus was a little bit overpowered. Otherwise it was great.
May 1, 2020
too long
May 28, 2011
Since this is actually 66 books in one, perhaps I should review them as I go. This is my second go-round with the Bible, reading it cover to cover, but I'm trying to do it in one year this time rather than the nearly four years it took me last time. [EDIT NOTE: Okay, so it's taking me more than a year. We'll go for a year and a half.] I refuse to review this as a theological text, even though it is for me and that's why I'm re-reading it, as this is a book review website and not a church forum. Therefore, I will review these on entertainment and literary bases only.
Genesis: Five stars. And God said let there be stories, and there were, and it was good. It seems like half of what people know about the Old Testament comes from this one book, from Creation to Joseph. Some awesome stuff in here, with lots of crazy people, establishing everything that it takes to get the Jews to Egypt wishing for an
Exodus: Four stars. The actual going out of Egypt and the wandering around in the desert are really neat, and of course there are miracles friggin' everywhere, but the back half of the book gets a little slow going as we enter Tabernacle law.
Leviticus: Three stars. The book of laws given to the Hebrew people by God, with some interesting stories thrown in to see if you're paying attention.
Numbers: Three stars. It's slow going at first as we count everyone who is still onstage, but then it picks up as everybody starts bickering about being in a desert for forty years. I mean, I'd complain. I hate sand. So Moses has some more moments of "oh no you di'nt" to the Israelites who obviously have short-term memory loss as a people because the miracle yesterday will never save them today, you know, and God facepalms a lot. Also, Miriam and Aaron get bitchy and Miriam gets leprosy and I'm not really sure why Aaron doesn't.
Deuteronomy: Three stars. Moses is doing a "hey remember what's going on" type narrative, which feels a little draggy after having read the books in which that actually went on. Also, a whole lot of "YHWH is the one true God and we should leave all others alone", and we all know how well that went.
Joshua: Four stars. It's actually pretty dry, but we have the Battle of Jericho and the death of Moses and the prostitute Rahab and people get dead, yo.
Judges: Five stars. Awesome stories of the judges of the nation of Israel, with people like Samson and Deborah and there are some crazy moments of awesome like people's heads getting tent-staked to the ground. No really. It's an action film in writing.
Ruth: Five stars. Very short book about Ruth, whose life is the suck until she follows her mother-in-law Naomi back to the land of the Lord and meets a hunka burnin' love named Boaz. A good story about love and faith and why your mother-in-law is not as cool as Naomi.
1 and 2 Samuel: Since they're telling a story together, they get reviewed together. Four stars. Setting up the story of David and Saul and why Israel should never listen to itself when it whines, "But all the OTHER kids are doing iiiiiit!"
1 and 2 Kings: Three stars. There are a lot of things about these books that are cool, but there's so much packed into them that it gets a little dead after a while.
1 and 2 Chronicles: Three stars. Like the bad sequel to the books of Kings. The difference is in the writing of them, that I think Kings was written when the Israelites still had the temple and these were written after its destruction, or the other way 'round. Either or, the measurements for the temple get dry really quickly, and having the four books refer to each other all the time is kind of like reading a whole chunk of "The Cat Who" series; you're pretty sure you've already read each one. Some gems buried within, though, like Joash in 2 Chronicles 22-ish; you just have to dig for them.
Ezra: Two stars. King Cyrus decides that enslaving the Jews is getting old, so he allows some of them to head back home and rebuild the temple that got Hulk-smashed some 700 years earlier. It would be exciting, perhaps, if it was not a carpenter's list of materials and a priest's list of names--added because we all need to know what schmucks married outside the bloodline, bad Hebrews! Also, Ezra himself doesn't come in until ch. 7 (of 10) and then he can't choose between 1st and 3rd person narratives. Also, no one likes Nebuchadnezzar, even though his name rocks. Really, just read 6:11, which is a pretty epic threat.
Nehemiah: Three stars. Ezra gets more screen time in this than his own friggin' book, which is silly. Also, WHY DID NO ONE EVER TEACH BIBLE AUTHORS THE DIFFERENCES OF PERSON NARRATIVE?!?! Not cool to switch all the time, guys. So, continuing to re-build Jerusalem/the Temple, but with more bad-assness than Ezra who can't write a good narrative, and a listing to put baby name books to shame.
Esther: Five stars. Whoever thinks the Bible is filled with women-hating chauvinists is so very wrong. (It only has some women-hating chauvinists.) Esther is beautiful, tricksy, and Jewish, which can happen. She saves her people and a guy named Haman gets hanged on his own scaffold and it's just generally an awesome book. Also, love the name Mordecai.
Job: Five stars. My favorite book of the Bible when I was a kid, which says something about what kind of kid I was. This is kind of an introduction into How Not To Be In Friendship, because Job's friends are the suck and his life is the suck and it's never really clear what God is up to, anyway, because all-powerful but gambling with people because Satan challenged...? Love trying to figure out how this all works, and the last three or so chapters are ROCKING.
Psalms: Four stars. I like the psalms, because once you get past the fact that they talk about things I don't so much have to worry about, like enemies slicing off my head or setting fire to me tower or something (well, at least I don't have to worry about that exactly), it's a whole book of someone complaining, rejoicing, and being very human. I can totally relate to it, and that's always good in a book. Not great to just waltz through, though; take your time with this one.
Proverbs: Three stars. Filled with great wisdom and wonderful one-liners, but it's a bit like reading a giant batch of fortune cookies with no coherent connections. Sorry, Solly, your dad was a better writer. Even if you are much smarter.
Ecclesiastes: Three stars. Sure, there's a ton of good wisdom in the scant 12 chapters, but it's depressing as hell. Or Sheol. Because all is vanity, it keeps saying. And wisdom is wonderful. Unless it's vain. Then, it's vanity. And all is vanity.
Song of Solomon: Five stars. Are you kidding? This is the bowchickabowwow of the Bible, and it's really sad it doesn't get more press these days. I mean, really? So many verses about Solomon's girlfriend's breasts. Betcha didn't think THAT was in God's holy Word, right? Right. Because Christianity is, in fact, full of sexy sexy foxes. Also, this is just really good love poetry, aside from the innuendos. Here we have the "my beloved is mine, and I am his" bit. You're much better at love poetry than proverbs, Solomon; way to go.
Isaiah: Four stars. Isaiah is sometimes called the mini-Bible, because it has NT and OT themes and it's 66 books and I suppose theologians just like comparisons. It is long, and at times (many times) I had no freaking idea what was going on, but there are some really great passages in here. The beginning puts Isaiah at the top of the list for Best Doomsday Preachers Evar, and I'm pretty sure he was part of the invention of fire and brimstone sermons. The rest I have a bit of trouble with because, you see, I've sung some stuff by this one dude named Handel, which has forever destroyed my ability to read a good chunk of this book without humming along. Very foundational and lovely, but I'm glad to get toward the minor prophets.
Jeremiah: Two stars. Death! Mayhem! Destruction! Really freaking long chapters! I like the premise of this book, how God finally says, "For serious? I've been TALKING TO YOU ABOUT THIS for an entire testament. That's it. I'm so over you guys being crap. Fine. Babylon can have you. I'll knock them over later, but for right now, they can own your asses and burn your temple." But this gets a little old after 30 chapters; 52 was just cruel.
Lamentations: Three stars. I bet this is beautiful poetry in Hebrew, because it's pretty beautiful and heart-breaking poetry in English. A city has fallen, been broken, become utterly desolate; there's a lot of resonance with some of the Psalms here, actually, about loss and pain. Sadly, though, I'm enough of a jerk that I read the five chapters thinking, I am immune to your bitching because I just read 52 CHAPTERS about how you were warned this would happen. Get over yourself. Hence why I am not a counselor.
Ezekiel: Three stars. I don't really understand this book; it starts out like Jeremiah, with the gloom and doom on Israel for being arrogant fools. But then there are beautiful extended metaphors for the love of God, an episode with zombies (dem bones dem bones...), and the last ten chapters or so read like Numbers. What? Minus a few stars for lack of narrative connection, but some really beautiful writing in here. Also, it would seriously suck to be Ezekiel.
Daniel: Four stars. This is such a strange little book; the first half is the stories that always get hashed up for kids, like the lions' den and the gold statue and the writing on the wall (I don't understand how people choose Bible stories for kids). The second half, though, is like Revelation: The Prequel starring Gabriel, the Chatty One. A very good book, but not a cursory read.
CONT. BELOW
Matthew: Five stars. The first of the four Gospels telling the life of Jesus; very concerned with showing how Jesus fulfilled all kinds of prophecies. A lot of the children's Bible stories we bandy about come from this one.
Mark: Five stars. Sort of the Jesus as action figure Gospel, with a lot of emphasis on the miracles and last week of the Christ.
Luke: Five stars. This is the historical, matter-of-fact Gospel. Feels very close to Matthew, although it is written on the same timeline as Mark. We get a lot of our popular parables, like the Prodigal Son, from this one.
John: Five stars. John, I feel, was the Zen pothead of the disciples. He's very interesed in the universal themes of Jesus's time on Earth, and not so much with what was going on day-to-day. The most theologically based of the four Gospels with a whole lot of effort in showing you the importance of Christ being who he was.
Acts: Five stars. Ta-Dah! Paul is introduced and the rest of the New Testament can get under way. We also have the beginning of the church as a body with the speaking in tongues and all (much cooler here than in the modern Pentecostal church, I'd think). Dear Paul--STOP GETTING ARRESTED. Though it's interesting, it becomes a predictable plot device.
Romans: Five stars. This is Paul's letter of everything he thinks the Romans need to know before he heads that way. Result? SO THEOLOGICALLY DENSE. Plenty of things to put on your coffee cup, but you'll have to drink the coffee before you really understand what they mean.
1 Corinthians: Five stars plus a disclaimer: whenever I come anywhere near the letters of Paul, I usually have the Eddie Izzard sketch in the back of my mind which makes things much more...something. But yes, this is a lot of foundational stuff and Paul definitely isn't boring. I wouldn't have minded being his pen pal.
2 Corinthians: Four stars. This was one of the letters that's totally a letter; Paul is explaining himself to his friends that he's corresponding with, and it's pretty cool to remember that Paul was a person with frustrations and joys and all that sort of thing, rather than just a Church Father Important Dude.
Galatians: Four stars. Yay for short letters! Only six chapters, and it's another Paul-as-a-person letter. Like it, but it's not my favorite.
Ephesians: Four stars. Ah, Ephesians. This is where a lot of people get verses they like to quote out of context, like the wives to husbands bit and children to parents and bearing with one another in love. It's nice to read where all of that comes from and how it actually was intended to work.
Phillipians: Four stars. Very short, very much a glimpse of Paul as pastor, just trying to tell people he loves to stop being morons.
Colossians: Five stars. Also very short, with great thoughts on what being remade means. Very good to read as a "stay the course" pep talk, in a way.
1 Thessalonians: Three stars. Apparently this wasn't that earth-shattering, as I didn't remember finishing it until I flipped to the NT and saw that my bookmark was at the end. Surprise! It does house one of the first verses I ever memorized, though--1 Thess.5:17, second shortest verse in the Bible. I'm a bit of an underachiever sometimes.
2 Thessalonians: Four stars. It would have gotten three stars, but chapter 3 is pretty awesome. Here's a summary for you: Ch. 1: Hi! Ch. 2: Revelation Light! All the Antichrist, half the dazed aftereffect! Ch. 3: Get off your lazy ass and work, guys, this ain't no Cluniac monastery, you know. (Ah, your brevity is inspiring, Paul.)
1 Timothy: Three stars. I have a kind of intense love/hate relationship with this letter, because it's a microcosm of how conflicted I can feel about Paul in general. Here, writing to his BFF Timothy, Paul lays out some seriously useful rules about what church elders should be, and says some great things about what it means to stay in the faith and deal with the faithful around you when the going gets tough. However, it is also Misogyny Ahoy, dealing with how women should be seen and not heard in the church and how we're all evil because Eve f*ed up so bad, yo, and we can be saved through childbearing and faithfulness (no, really, 2:15). NOT COOL. Adam was just as much of an idiot, thank you very much, because Woman may have taken the fig, but Adam was dumb enough to say, "Hey, that's wrong," and then TAKE IT ANYWAY. We both fail. Deal with it, Paul.
2 Timothy: Three stars. This is one of the few letters that I really feel slightly voyeuristic in reading; it's a guy talking to his protégé about the brass tacks of being a preacher. Also, there are reminders to bring the cloak he forgot in BFE when he visits, and to say hi to Aunt Janie for him, and to tell Jeffrey to STFU when he's talking about what preaching is--I mean, there are some good things in the scanty four chapters, but it's really quite personal correspondence, even if Paul did intend it for some sort of publication.
Titus: Four stars. Dear Titus, Because I love you as a son, I left you in Crete, even though we both know Cretans are worthless idiots--so much so that their name will become an insult that only the overeducated will ever use properly. Also, I've given you the task of telling everyone how they should act, which should make you incredibly popular. Love and hugs, Paul.
Philemon: Three stars. I think this is the shortest book in the Bible (being only half a page long) and I have no real idea why it's in there, because it's mainly about how cool Philemon is and how he should take care of this Onesimus guy that Paul has picked up along the way. I mean, perhaps it's a lesson in friendship, or maybe guardianship, or something, but it's kind of...weird.
Hebrews: Four stars. A slow start, but then, I'm not the intended audience. This is the letter in which all is explained to the Jews why this one Jewish Dude is cooler than all other Jewish dudes, and here are the fundamental bits of practice you need to know now. Not being Jewish and already knowing most of the fundamental bits, it was a tad tedious at first, but it's good to see a lot of the "rules" in one place, clearly explained.
James: Four stars. This letter can feel a little restricting sometimes, but that's probably an indication that it's doing its job. There are some great passages on what faith is, what to do when the world sucks, and why one should be mindful of one's speech in this one.
1 Peter: Three stars. Oh Peter, I want you to be cooler than Paul, and then this! A passage on submission to authority AND a passage on marital power structures? I don't think we can be friends.
2 Peter: Four stars. You have redeemed yourself, Peter! Some interesting things about election, but beautiful prose about the Day of the Lord and the wide gap between the realm of the fallen and of the saved. Good descriptions. You can stay.
1 John: Four stars. There are a lot of good things in here, and SO MUCH LOVE. God is love, God loves us , we should love people, we accept God's love. A good book, but man, the love fest is a bit overwhelming for a crotchety sot like me.
2 John: Three stars. All of the 13 verses in this letter; I have no idea why it's in the NT canon. It's more love, because John the Zen pothead was really excited about not having to deal with spiteful Jehovah from the OT anymore, but there's not much here that wasn't said in his first letter. Repetitive sequel, won't really do well at the box office.
3 John: Three stars. Made it all the way to 15 verses in this one! Not that I'm complaining, after the ridiculously long nature of book like Proverbs or Isaiah (I say it with love, long-dead Jewish icons). However, I feel like this, more than a lot of the other letters, has NO CONTEXT to make this important. Yes, it has a few good things to say, and I do like it, but it's very much a placeholder from one guy to his spiritual pals, not a Letter of Divine and Enduring Wisdom.
Jude: Four stars. Yes, I did have the Beatles' song in my head the whole time I was reading this, so it's perhaps fortunate that it's only 25 verses. Very much a letter of "don't be an idiot, y'all", which is fine, and a good reminder, because it's true, idiocy is usually not the best choice.
Revelation: Five stars. This is trippy shit, man. John the Zen pothead has a revelation about the end of all things, and it's not going away into the West, it's TOTAL WORLD DESTRUCTION and angels with horns and plagues and scary scary endtimes, yo. Even though they're super cheesy, the Left Behind books did kind of get the craziness of this vision by taking it literally, but their cheesiness gets in the way of how truly unsettling this is. I mean, really, whole chunks of the world DIE. It's kind of A Big Deal. Really good descriptive writing, and fascinating images, but not really something to curl up under the covers with. Amen and amen, I hope the prophecy doesn't come true in my lifetime.
Genesis: Five stars. And God said let there be stories, and there were, and it was good. It seems like half of what people know about the Old Testament comes from this one book, from Creation to Joseph. Some awesome stuff in here, with lots of crazy people, establishing everything that it takes to get the Jews to Egypt wishing for an
Exodus: Four stars. The actual going out of Egypt and the wandering around in the desert are really neat, and of course there are miracles friggin' everywhere, but the back half of the book gets a little slow going as we enter Tabernacle law.
Leviticus: Three stars. The book of laws given to the Hebrew people by God, with some interesting stories thrown in to see if you're paying attention.
Numbers: Three stars. It's slow going at first as we count everyone who is still onstage, but then it picks up as everybody starts bickering about being in a desert for forty years. I mean, I'd complain. I hate sand. So Moses has some more moments of "oh no you di'nt" to the Israelites who obviously have short-term memory loss as a people because the miracle yesterday will never save them today, you know, and God facepalms a lot. Also, Miriam and Aaron get bitchy and Miriam gets leprosy and I'm not really sure why Aaron doesn't.
Deuteronomy: Three stars. Moses is doing a "hey remember what's going on" type narrative, which feels a little draggy after having read the books in which that actually went on. Also, a whole lot of "YHWH is the one true God and we should leave all others alone", and we all know how well that went.
Joshua: Four stars. It's actually pretty dry, but we have the Battle of Jericho and the death of Moses and the prostitute Rahab and people get dead, yo.
Judges: Five stars. Awesome stories of the judges of the nation of Israel, with people like Samson and Deborah and there are some crazy moments of awesome like people's heads getting tent-staked to the ground. No really. It's an action film in writing.
Ruth: Five stars. Very short book about Ruth, whose life is the suck until she follows her mother-in-law Naomi back to the land of the Lord and meets a hunka burnin' love named Boaz. A good story about love and faith and why your mother-in-law is not as cool as Naomi.
1 and 2 Samuel: Since they're telling a story together, they get reviewed together. Four stars. Setting up the story of David and Saul and why Israel should never listen to itself when it whines, "But all the OTHER kids are doing iiiiiit!"
1 and 2 Kings: Three stars. There are a lot of things about these books that are cool, but there's so much packed into them that it gets a little dead after a while.
1 and 2 Chronicles: Three stars. Like the bad sequel to the books of Kings. The difference is in the writing of them, that I think Kings was written when the Israelites still had the temple and these were written after its destruction, or the other way 'round. Either or, the measurements for the temple get dry really quickly, and having the four books refer to each other all the time is kind of like reading a whole chunk of "The Cat Who" series; you're pretty sure you've already read each one. Some gems buried within, though, like Joash in 2 Chronicles 22-ish; you just have to dig for them.
Ezra: Two stars. King Cyrus decides that enslaving the Jews is getting old, so he allows some of them to head back home and rebuild the temple that got Hulk-smashed some 700 years earlier. It would be exciting, perhaps, if it was not a carpenter's list of materials and a priest's list of names--added because we all need to know what schmucks married outside the bloodline, bad Hebrews! Also, Ezra himself doesn't come in until ch. 7 (of 10) and then he can't choose between 1st and 3rd person narratives. Also, no one likes Nebuchadnezzar, even though his name rocks. Really, just read 6:11, which is a pretty epic threat.
Nehemiah: Three stars. Ezra gets more screen time in this than his own friggin' book, which is silly. Also, WHY DID NO ONE EVER TEACH BIBLE AUTHORS THE DIFFERENCES OF PERSON NARRATIVE?!?! Not cool to switch all the time, guys. So, continuing to re-build Jerusalem/the Temple, but with more bad-assness than Ezra who can't write a good narrative, and a listing to put baby name books to shame.
Esther: Five stars. Whoever thinks the Bible is filled with women-hating chauvinists is so very wrong. (It only has some women-hating chauvinists.) Esther is beautiful, tricksy, and Jewish, which can happen. She saves her people and a guy named Haman gets hanged on his own scaffold and it's just generally an awesome book. Also, love the name Mordecai.
Job: Five stars. My favorite book of the Bible when I was a kid, which says something about what kind of kid I was. This is kind of an introduction into How Not To Be In Friendship, because Job's friends are the suck and his life is the suck and it's never really clear what God is up to, anyway, because all-powerful but gambling with people because Satan challenged...? Love trying to figure out how this all works, and the last three or so chapters are ROCKING.
Psalms: Four stars. I like the psalms, because once you get past the fact that they talk about things I don't so much have to worry about, like enemies slicing off my head or setting fire to me tower or something (well, at least I don't have to worry about that exactly), it's a whole book of someone complaining, rejoicing, and being very human. I can totally relate to it, and that's always good in a book. Not great to just waltz through, though; take your time with this one.
Proverbs: Three stars. Filled with great wisdom and wonderful one-liners, but it's a bit like reading a giant batch of fortune cookies with no coherent connections. Sorry, Solly, your dad was a better writer. Even if you are much smarter.
Ecclesiastes: Three stars. Sure, there's a ton of good wisdom in the scant 12 chapters, but it's depressing as hell. Or Sheol. Because all is vanity, it keeps saying. And wisdom is wonderful. Unless it's vain. Then, it's vanity. And all is vanity.
Song of Solomon: Five stars. Are you kidding? This is the bowchickabowwow of the Bible, and it's really sad it doesn't get more press these days. I mean, really? So many verses about Solomon's girlfriend's breasts. Betcha didn't think THAT was in God's holy Word, right? Right. Because Christianity is, in fact, full of sexy sexy foxes. Also, this is just really good love poetry, aside from the innuendos. Here we have the "my beloved is mine, and I am his" bit. You're much better at love poetry than proverbs, Solomon; way to go.
Isaiah: Four stars. Isaiah is sometimes called the mini-Bible, because it has NT and OT themes and it's 66 books and I suppose theologians just like comparisons. It is long, and at times (many times) I had no freaking idea what was going on, but there are some really great passages in here. The beginning puts Isaiah at the top of the list for Best Doomsday Preachers Evar, and I'm pretty sure he was part of the invention of fire and brimstone sermons. The rest I have a bit of trouble with because, you see, I've sung some stuff by this one dude named Handel, which has forever destroyed my ability to read a good chunk of this book without humming along. Very foundational and lovely, but I'm glad to get toward the minor prophets.
Jeremiah: Two stars. Death! Mayhem! Destruction! Really freaking long chapters! I like the premise of this book, how God finally says, "For serious? I've been TALKING TO YOU ABOUT THIS for an entire testament. That's it. I'm so over you guys being crap. Fine. Babylon can have you. I'll knock them over later, but for right now, they can own your asses and burn your temple." But this gets a little old after 30 chapters; 52 was just cruel.
Lamentations: Three stars. I bet this is beautiful poetry in Hebrew, because it's pretty beautiful and heart-breaking poetry in English. A city has fallen, been broken, become utterly desolate; there's a lot of resonance with some of the Psalms here, actually, about loss and pain. Sadly, though, I'm enough of a jerk that I read the five chapters thinking, I am immune to your bitching because I just read 52 CHAPTERS about how you were warned this would happen. Get over yourself. Hence why I am not a counselor.
Ezekiel: Three stars. I don't really understand this book; it starts out like Jeremiah, with the gloom and doom on Israel for being arrogant fools. But then there are beautiful extended metaphors for the love of God, an episode with zombies (dem bones dem bones...), and the last ten chapters or so read like Numbers. What? Minus a few stars for lack of narrative connection, but some really beautiful writing in here. Also, it would seriously suck to be Ezekiel.
Daniel: Four stars. This is such a strange little book; the first half is the stories that always get hashed up for kids, like the lions' den and the gold statue and the writing on the wall (I don't understand how people choose Bible stories for kids). The second half, though, is like Revelation: The Prequel starring Gabriel, the Chatty One. A very good book, but not a cursory read.
CONT. BELOW
Matthew: Five stars. The first of the four Gospels telling the life of Jesus; very concerned with showing how Jesus fulfilled all kinds of prophecies. A lot of the children's Bible stories we bandy about come from this one.
Mark: Five stars. Sort of the Jesus as action figure Gospel, with a lot of emphasis on the miracles and last week of the Christ.
Luke: Five stars. This is the historical, matter-of-fact Gospel. Feels very close to Matthew, although it is written on the same timeline as Mark. We get a lot of our popular parables, like the Prodigal Son, from this one.
John: Five stars. John, I feel, was the Zen pothead of the disciples. He's very interesed in the universal themes of Jesus's time on Earth, and not so much with what was going on day-to-day. The most theologically based of the four Gospels with a whole lot of effort in showing you the importance of Christ being who he was.
Acts: Five stars. Ta-Dah! Paul is introduced and the rest of the New Testament can get under way. We also have the beginning of the church as a body with the speaking in tongues and all (much cooler here than in the modern Pentecostal church, I'd think). Dear Paul--STOP GETTING ARRESTED. Though it's interesting, it becomes a predictable plot device.
Romans: Five stars. This is Paul's letter of everything he thinks the Romans need to know before he heads that way. Result? SO THEOLOGICALLY DENSE. Plenty of things to put on your coffee cup, but you'll have to drink the coffee before you really understand what they mean.
1 Corinthians: Five stars plus a disclaimer: whenever I come anywhere near the letters of Paul, I usually have the Eddie Izzard sketch in the back of my mind which makes things much more...something. But yes, this is a lot of foundational stuff and Paul definitely isn't boring. I wouldn't have minded being his pen pal.
2 Corinthians: Four stars. This was one of the letters that's totally a letter; Paul is explaining himself to his friends that he's corresponding with, and it's pretty cool to remember that Paul was a person with frustrations and joys and all that sort of thing, rather than just a Church Father Important Dude.
Galatians: Four stars. Yay for short letters! Only six chapters, and it's another Paul-as-a-person letter. Like it, but it's not my favorite.
Ephesians: Four stars. Ah, Ephesians. This is where a lot of people get verses they like to quote out of context, like the wives to husbands bit and children to parents and bearing with one another in love. It's nice to read where all of that comes from and how it actually was intended to work.
Phillipians: Four stars. Very short, very much a glimpse of Paul as pastor, just trying to tell people he loves to stop being morons.
Colossians: Five stars. Also very short, with great thoughts on what being remade means. Very good to read as a "stay the course" pep talk, in a way.
1 Thessalonians: Three stars. Apparently this wasn't that earth-shattering, as I didn't remember finishing it until I flipped to the NT and saw that my bookmark was at the end. Surprise! It does house one of the first verses I ever memorized, though--1 Thess.5:17, second shortest verse in the Bible. I'm a bit of an underachiever sometimes.
2 Thessalonians: Four stars. It would have gotten three stars, but chapter 3 is pretty awesome. Here's a summary for you: Ch. 1: Hi! Ch. 2: Revelation Light! All the Antichrist, half the dazed aftereffect! Ch. 3: Get off your lazy ass and work, guys, this ain't no Cluniac monastery, you know. (Ah, your brevity is inspiring, Paul.)
1 Timothy: Three stars. I have a kind of intense love/hate relationship with this letter, because it's a microcosm of how conflicted I can feel about Paul in general. Here, writing to his BFF Timothy, Paul lays out some seriously useful rules about what church elders should be, and says some great things about what it means to stay in the faith and deal with the faithful around you when the going gets tough. However, it is also Misogyny Ahoy, dealing with how women should be seen and not heard in the church and how we're all evil because Eve f*ed up so bad, yo, and we can be saved through childbearing and faithfulness (no, really, 2:15). NOT COOL. Adam was just as much of an idiot, thank you very much, because Woman may have taken the fig, but Adam was dumb enough to say, "Hey, that's wrong," and then TAKE IT ANYWAY. We both fail. Deal with it, Paul.
2 Timothy: Three stars. This is one of the few letters that I really feel slightly voyeuristic in reading; it's a guy talking to his protégé about the brass tacks of being a preacher. Also, there are reminders to bring the cloak he forgot in BFE when he visits, and to say hi to Aunt Janie for him, and to tell Jeffrey to STFU when he's talking about what preaching is--I mean, there are some good things in the scanty four chapters, but it's really quite personal correspondence, even if Paul did intend it for some sort of publication.
Titus: Four stars. Dear Titus, Because I love you as a son, I left you in Crete, even though we both know Cretans are worthless idiots--so much so that their name will become an insult that only the overeducated will ever use properly. Also, I've given you the task of telling everyone how they should act, which should make you incredibly popular. Love and hugs, Paul.
Philemon: Three stars. I think this is the shortest book in the Bible (being only half a page long) and I have no real idea why it's in there, because it's mainly about how cool Philemon is and how he should take care of this Onesimus guy that Paul has picked up along the way. I mean, perhaps it's a lesson in friendship, or maybe guardianship, or something, but it's kind of...weird.
Hebrews: Four stars. A slow start, but then, I'm not the intended audience. This is the letter in which all is explained to the Jews why this one Jewish Dude is cooler than all other Jewish dudes, and here are the fundamental bits of practice you need to know now. Not being Jewish and already knowing most of the fundamental bits, it was a tad tedious at first, but it's good to see a lot of the "rules" in one place, clearly explained.
James: Four stars. This letter can feel a little restricting sometimes, but that's probably an indication that it's doing its job. There are some great passages on what faith is, what to do when the world sucks, and why one should be mindful of one's speech in this one.
1 Peter: Three stars. Oh Peter, I want you to be cooler than Paul, and then this! A passage on submission to authority AND a passage on marital power structures? I don't think we can be friends.
2 Peter: Four stars. You have redeemed yourself, Peter! Some interesting things about election, but beautiful prose about the Day of the Lord and the wide gap between the realm of the fallen and of the saved. Good descriptions. You can stay.
1 John: Four stars. There are a lot of good things in here, and SO MUCH LOVE. God is love, God loves us , we should love people, we accept God's love. A good book, but man, the love fest is a bit overwhelming for a crotchety sot like me.
2 John: Three stars. All of the 13 verses in this letter; I have no idea why it's in the NT canon. It's more love, because John the Zen pothead was really excited about not having to deal with spiteful Jehovah from the OT anymore, but there's not much here that wasn't said in his first letter. Repetitive sequel, won't really do well at the box office.
3 John: Three stars. Made it all the way to 15 verses in this one! Not that I'm complaining, after the ridiculously long nature of book like Proverbs or Isaiah (I say it with love, long-dead Jewish icons). However, I feel like this, more than a lot of the other letters, has NO CONTEXT to make this important. Yes, it has a few good things to say, and I do like it, but it's very much a placeholder from one guy to his spiritual pals, not a Letter of Divine and Enduring Wisdom.
Jude: Four stars. Yes, I did have the Beatles' song in my head the whole time I was reading this, so it's perhaps fortunate that it's only 25 verses. Very much a letter of "don't be an idiot, y'all", which is fine, and a good reminder, because it's true, idiocy is usually not the best choice.
Revelation: Five stars. This is trippy shit, man. John the Zen pothead has a revelation about the end of all things, and it's not going away into the West, it's TOTAL WORLD DESTRUCTION and angels with horns and plagues and scary scary endtimes, yo. Even though they're super cheesy, the Left Behind books did kind of get the craziness of this vision by taking it literally, but their cheesiness gets in the way of how truly unsettling this is. I mean, really, whole chunks of the world DIE. It's kind of A Big Deal. Really good descriptive writing, and fascinating images, but not really something to curl up under the covers with. Amen and amen, I hope the prophecy doesn't come true in my lifetime.
June 23, 2017
A terrible book. Badly written with awful pacing. Trivial details are explained in mind-numbing detail, while actual important questions about what is God and the afterlife are ignored. The morals are inconsistent, incoherent and often abhorrent. It advocates genocide, sexism, bigotry, murder, massacre and hatred of everyone who disagrees. This book has no relevance for modern days and should be confined to the dustbin of history.
January 23, 2017
Poorly written fiction.
January 19, 2026
I feel like Jesus might question me if I gave this book less than 5 stars so I did, but I will say that there are portions which are so boring (particularly the Old Testament). Who cares if X is the son of X who is the son of X who is the son of X? Not I.
Also, this book was written long before YouTube so the readers were more tolerant of the slow pacing and redundant nature.
2025 Reading Schedule
Jan A Town Like Alice
Feb Birdsong
Mar Captain Corelli's Mandolin - Louis De Berniere
Apr War and Peace
May The Woman in White
Jun Atonement
Jul The Shadow of the Wind
Aug Jude the Obscure
Sep Ulysses
Oct Vanity Fair
Nov A Fine Balance
Dec Germinal
Connect With Me!
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Also, this book was written long before YouTube so the readers were more tolerant of the slow pacing and redundant nature.
2025 Reading Schedule
Jan A Town Like Alice
Feb Birdsong
Mar Captain Corelli's Mandolin - Louis De Berniere
Apr War and Peace
May The Woman in White
Jun Atonement
Jul The Shadow of the Wind
Aug Jude the Obscure
Sep Ulysses
Oct Vanity Fair
Nov A Fine Balance
Dec Germinal
Connect With Me!
Blog Twitter BookTube Facebook Insta My Bookstore at Pango
July 8, 2020
the manga was better
also, if anyone has a link to Jesus x Judas BDSM fanfiction, I'd like to see it
also, if anyone has a link to Jesus x Judas BDSM fanfiction, I'd like to see it
April 21, 2021
First of all, what the f*ck? Why did they kill me off? I am such a good character. I know they brought me back and all that but my death seemed a little unnecessary. Second of all, why did they make out like my relationship with Moses is platonic?? He’s literally my husband— the homophobia is immense.
While I do love that this book was about me and all, I didn’t particularly enjoy it. When I ask for a slow burn I don’t mean snail-pace. On the topic, this book wasn’t even that scary... it’s supposed to be a horror right? I mean that ‘Santa’ guy... Satan? I don’t know i can’t remember his name. Anyway, him, he had potential to be quite the antagonist... Just wasn’t all that well written I suppose.
Then again, my dad didn’t study creative writing at university so I can’t exactly blame him.
Overall, this book had the potential to be great, but instead went the entire opposite direction. I love you, Dad, but you really aren’t a good author.
Jesus
While I do love that this book was about me and all, I didn’t particularly enjoy it. When I ask for a slow burn I don’t mean snail-pace. On the topic, this book wasn’t even that scary... it’s supposed to be a horror right? I mean that ‘Santa’ guy... Satan? I don’t know i can’t remember his name. Anyway, him, he had potential to be quite the antagonist... Just wasn’t all that well written I suppose.
Then again, my dad didn’t study creative writing at university so I can’t exactly blame him.
Overall, this book had the potential to be great, but instead went the entire opposite direction. I love you, Dad, but you really aren’t a good author.
Jesus
This entire review has been hidden because of spoilers.
September 4, 2009
It's strange that one of the most important, most dangerous, and most misused books in the world could be so mind-numbingly boring.
Also, anyone who claims they live their life by the bible should actually read it and see exactly what it is they claim to do. I'm guessing most people ignore 90% of what it says to do. Really, you could just collect everything Jesus says into one slender manual and cut the rest, since Jesus's sermons are the only parts anyone should really be proud of. The rest of it is a chronicle of genocide, rape, war, destruction, and hatred, interspersed with a really boring catalog of everyone born to a single patriarch.
Since everyone should be familiar with the bible in order to be a well-educated member of Western society, I would recommend just reading the Wikipedia articles about the major biblical stories. No need to waste your time reading the stilted prose and insanely detailed descriptions of people's lineage and no need to wade through a slew of arcane, confusing, and disturbing rules dispensed from a cruel and jealous god to a gullible and fearful populace.
Also, anyone who claims they live their life by the bible should actually read it and see exactly what it is they claim to do. I'm guessing most people ignore 90% of what it says to do. Really, you could just collect everything Jesus says into one slender manual and cut the rest, since Jesus's sermons are the only parts anyone should really be proud of. The rest of it is a chronicle of genocide, rape, war, destruction, and hatred, interspersed with a really boring catalog of everyone born to a single patriarch.
Since everyone should be familiar with the bible in order to be a well-educated member of Western society, I would recommend just reading the Wikipedia articles about the major biblical stories. No need to waste your time reading the stilted prose and insanely detailed descriptions of people's lineage and no need to wade through a slew of arcane, confusing, and disturbing rules dispensed from a cruel and jealous god to a gullible and fearful populace.
March 7, 2021
not gay enough, i can't ship in peace.
and the fiction over here? no, ma'am, i need something like 2012 movie.
and the fiction over here? no, ma'am, i need something like 2012 movie.
March 21, 2021
idk just feel like it lost the plot. maybe the movie will be better?
January 9, 2017
fuck this science fiction propoganda
April 30, 2021
+1 star for gay protagonist (jesus washing his homies’ feet ??? sounds pretty gay to me)
lack of sapphic representation put me off tho :/
lack of sapphic representation put me off tho :/
November 18, 2009
My review: Life.
What I am learning from this book: Salvation. Life. Joy. Truth. Hope. Courage.
What I am learning from this book: Salvation. Life. Joy. Truth. Hope. Courage.
October 24, 2018
Boring!
May 26, 2022
SPOILER: Jesus di3d 😟
January 4, 2020
Disappointing. I wish this book was about Shaq.
April 12, 2021
Not enough gay but then.....
"Peter turned and saw the disciple whom Jesus loved following them, the one who also had leaned back against him during the supper and had said, “Lord, who is it that is going to betray you?” 21 When Peter saw him, he said to Jesus, “Lord, what about this man?”
Jesus said to him, “If it is my will that he remain until I come, what is that to you? You follow me!”
So the saying spread abroad among the brothers[b] that this disciple was not to die; yet Jesus did not say to him that he was not to die, but, “If it is my will that he remain until I come, what is that to you?”
Hmmm definitely some chemistry here:
After saying these things, Jesus was troubled in his spirit, and testified, “Truly, truly, I say to you, one of you will betray me.”
The disciples looked at one another, uncertain of whom he spoke.
One of his disciples, whom Jesus loved, was reclining at table at Jesus' side,
🔥🔥🔥🔥🔥🔥🔥
so Simon Peter motioned to him to ask Jesus of whom he was speaking.
So that disciple, leaning back against Jesus, said to him, “Lord, who is it?”
In summary, Jesus x John is my OTP ship.
"Peter turned and saw the disciple whom Jesus loved following them, the one who also had leaned back against him during the supper and had said, “Lord, who is it that is going to betray you?” 21 When Peter saw him, he said to Jesus, “Lord, what about this man?”
Jesus said to him, “If it is my will that he remain until I come, what is that to you? You follow me!”
So the saying spread abroad among the brothers[b] that this disciple was not to die; yet Jesus did not say to him that he was not to die, but, “If it is my will that he remain until I come, what is that to you?”
Hmmm definitely some chemistry here:
After saying these things, Jesus was troubled in his spirit, and testified, “Truly, truly, I say to you, one of you will betray me.”
The disciples looked at one another, uncertain of whom he spoke.
One of his disciples, whom Jesus loved, was reclining at table at Jesus' side,
🔥🔥🔥🔥🔥🔥🔥
so Simon Peter motioned to him to ask Jesus of whom he was speaking.
So that disciple, leaning back against Jesus, said to him, “Lord, who is it?”
In summary, Jesus x John is my OTP ship.
July 8, 2020
jesus and moses had some serious sexual tension. sucks they didn't end up together
January 22, 2023
the whole thing with the washing of the feet?? suuuuper gay.
July 25, 2020
instructions not clear, I set the house on fire, killed my family, and broke my phone screen
January 28, 2021
has to be some of the worst fan fiction i’ve ever read
April 27, 2016
Very boring. Wouldn't read it again. Kind of dragged on. I was really waiting for the Jesus to die part but it was kind of anti-climatic. A lot of family history that I can't keep up with. Lots of plot holes. This book is a mess. 5/5 if it was a murder novel but it's religious fiction.
May 10, 2017
Worst fantasy/speculative fiction novel of all time.
Although, I guess it is GDAF; there's a veritable shit ton of murder.
I mean, seriously, what kind of microuniverse was the Ark?
Sure, turning water into wine would be a badass party trick, but physics!
Don't even get me started on how a population formed from two people (both with belly buttons even though they were "created"...) that had 3 sons.
Meh.
Although, I guess it is GDAF; there's a veritable shit ton of murder.
I mean, seriously, what kind of microuniverse was the Ark?
Sure, turning water into wine would be a badass party trick, but physics!
Don't even get me started on how a population formed from two people (both with belly buttons even though they were "created"...) that had 3 sons.
Meh.
February 12, 2021
The stans gave me trauma
February 1, 2014
If I had taken notes while reading I would have a lot more to say. I was actually reluctant to reading the bible when I was younger as I was actually worried I would be beliver. However, this book can make an atheist out of anybody. It's pretty obvious to me that these books were written at different times by different people, not inspired by one God (unless he's got many, many personalities), who have at least one thing in common, namely controlling other people using fear, although maybe for different reasons. Some wants to just threaten the 'wicked' into living more peacefully in order to have a more stable society. While others wants to make sure people don't rebel against authorities, don't eat or mix foods that are likely to make you sick (way back when there were now refrigerators and people were generally more unsanitary), women are lower than men, slaves listen to your owners. Masturbate, and God will strike you dead, at least he did once, and it made it to the bible. God can harden peoples hearts, just so that they behave badly, so that later he can punish them for it. There were of course some good advice here and there, but nothing other religions also doesn't provide. I think it was interesting that Jesus didn't know that stars are a little too big to fall down to the earth in "Revelation". When I see the preachers on tv that are scamming people for money, I realized that it's the same kind of preachers who wrote these books, just thousands of years ago. One thing I realized while reading this book is that: All prophets are false prophets. I could go on and on about the controversies throughout the bible, (which by the way also is super boring to read at times and just boring other times.) but I've got to read the book of mormon now. For anyone interested, google absurdity in the bible and several fun pages pops up as I just discovered.
December 14, 2020
Why this book sucks:
-Encourages homophobia and misogyny because a bunch of idiots who call themselves Christans don't bother to look at the context of the verses
-Not gay enough
-Ridiculously long and convoluted and extremely tedious to read
-Unnecessarily kills Jesus off even though there was some serious chemistry between him and Peter
-Caused a few wars in Europe that led to millions of deaths
-Extremely inconsistent, God changes his mind like 20 times throughout the books (The Flood, decides to punish people and then takes it back every 10 pages in Leviticus to Judges), God intervenes in what the people do all the time at the start then becomes very vague and cryptic in the New Testament. This is clearly because the books were written in different times where people's perspective of God was completely different.
-A bunch of Christians cherry-pick verses on what they think should still be followed in the modern day and what shouldn't. Leviticus says homosexuality is an 'abomination' (which is a mistranslated verse, btw) and Christians nod their heads like ??? But they don't follow rules like don't eat shellfish, don't wear certain types of clothes, etc
-Some disgusting verses like:
"If a man is caught in the act of raping a young woman who is not engaged, he must pay fifty pieces of silver to her father. Then he must marry the young woman because he violated her, and he will never be allowed to divorce her." -Deuteronomy 22:28-29
HAHAHAHA
Wait wait wait, so if a man rapes a woman, he gets to marry her? What the hell is this?
I realize the decision is up to the woman's father, not an automatic sentence, but it's still fucking blatant misogyny and fucking gross lmao
"If a man takes a wife and, after sleeping with her, dislikes her and slanders her and gives her a bad name, saying, “I married this woman, but when I approached her, I did not find proof of her virginity,"... If, however, the charge is true and no proof of the young woman's virginity can ... of her father's house and there the men of her town shall stone her to death." -Deuteronomy 22:13-21
If a man falsely accuses the woman, all he has to do is pay some money and problem solved!
But if the woman is accused, she gets killed? wtf???
Overall, a terrible fictional novel, with terrible messages even though it does have some important messages. Wouldn't suggest it to anyone whatsoever and no one should force their kids to read it lol
Also if it wasn't for this book I wouldn't have gotten molested by a Church member and groomed, so...
-Encourages homophobia and misogyny because a bunch of idiots who call themselves Christans don't bother to look at the context of the verses
-Not gay enough
-Ridiculously long and convoluted and extremely tedious to read
-Unnecessarily kills Jesus off even though there was some serious chemistry between him and Peter
-Caused a few wars in Europe that led to millions of deaths
-Extremely inconsistent, God changes his mind like 20 times throughout the books (The Flood, decides to punish people and then takes it back every 10 pages in Leviticus to Judges), God intervenes in what the people do all the time at the start then becomes very vague and cryptic in the New Testament. This is clearly because the books were written in different times where people's perspective of God was completely different.
-A bunch of Christians cherry-pick verses on what they think should still be followed in the modern day and what shouldn't. Leviticus says homosexuality is an 'abomination' (which is a mistranslated verse, btw) and Christians nod their heads like ??? But they don't follow rules like don't eat shellfish, don't wear certain types of clothes, etc
-Some disgusting verses like:
"If a man is caught in the act of raping a young woman who is not engaged, he must pay fifty pieces of silver to her father. Then he must marry the young woman because he violated her, and he will never be allowed to divorce her." -Deuteronomy 22:28-29
HAHAHAHA
Wait wait wait, so if a man rapes a woman, he gets to marry her? What the hell is this?
I realize the decision is up to the woman's father, not an automatic sentence, but it's still fucking blatant misogyny and fucking gross lmao
"If a man takes a wife and, after sleeping with her, dislikes her and slanders her and gives her a bad name, saying, “I married this woman, but when I approached her, I did not find proof of her virginity,"... If, however, the charge is true and no proof of the young woman's virginity can ... of her father's house and there the men of her town shall stone her to death." -Deuteronomy 22:13-21
If a man falsely accuses the woman, all he has to do is pay some money and problem solved!
But if the woman is accused, she gets killed? wtf???
Overall, a terrible fictional novel, with terrible messages even though it does have some important messages. Wouldn't suggest it to anyone whatsoever and no one should force their kids to read it lol
Also if it wasn't for this book I wouldn't have gotten molested by a Church member and groomed, so...
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